I know some are pissed at Geet and some understand her,
but I think its time she understands what she really wants.
and yes, for the quick updates, do shower your love.
this writers needs lots and loads of love.
68.She Was A Cold Fire And He, Hot Ice...
"Said the Sun to the Moon-'When you are but a lonely white crone, And I, a dead King in my golden armour somewhere in a dark wood, Remember only this of our hopeless love That never till Time is done Will the fire of the heart and the fire of the mind be one'"
It is but in the nature of the humans to love what they see going away than to love what coming their way. And she was nothing if not a human in all the glory that defines the beings. She had seen him angry and going away from her. She hadn't been able to take it then and she knew she couldn't see him walking away today either. And so, she ran, screaming out his name, defying every reason she had made up as to why not to go back to him.
The battle between the heart and the mind is always strange and devastating.
When she was losing to her heart on one side, he felt defeated on both ends.
As he slowly pulled away from that place, knowing he'd come back yet again, he ran his fingers through his hair and banged his fist on the steering.
To hell with everything...
She was going away forever and she had her reason. He didn't care about any of those. His basic instincts compelled him to turn back, barge into her apartment and demand answers. To hold her hand and bring her back... to crush those lips in his that said no to him but damn that heart...that said- let her be... Let her be happy if it is without you... let your love remain so... simmer it down.
She ran down the stairs...one last time... just one last time and she couldn't let go.
"Maan..." she rushed out in the open and screamed, not knowing why she was doing or what she was doing.
The car was going away farther from her and it suddenly hit her, this growing distance between them and it was going to span forever. It twisted her heart so much that it bled, hurting her more then she had ever imagined.
She screamed his name, standing out in the open, gaining attention of people around who thought her a lunatic now.
She lost him perhaps...
Taking a deep breath in, ready to go away from this place that now haunted him even in his dreams, he took one last glance at her apartment and found her standing outside, disheveled and screaming.
He blinked a couple of times and pressed the brake hard, coming to a halt.
Was she really there or he was dreaming with his eyes open?
He watched her stand still and straight, seeing his car stop and then he knew this was the moment. She was here and she was here for him. That was it. He wasn't dreaming. She was here in flesh and blood. Getting off the car, he strode towards her, knowing now what she felt for him.
She froze when she saw his car stop.
What in the world was she doing?
And then she saw him, getting out of that car and striding towards her, his eyes firmly holding her captive. Suddenly, she felt like a spider caught in her own webs. The very person she had wanted to run away from was walking right towards her and she caused it. She hit herself mentally.
What the hell are you doing?
She wanted to turn back and go away from there. He'd make her weak... he had always done so. She'd have no control over her reaction. He was like a fast flowing river down the mountains that'd sweep off everything on his way. She'd be swept off too. she shook her head mumbling, "No...No..."
Don't come any closer Maan... no...
Biting her trembling lips, when he reached closer, she channeled all her energy towards her legs and turned back.
"I am not letting you go now..."
She heard his voice and then she knew she was trapped when he held her hand and pulled her close to him.
She stumbled and fell and then he grabbed her firm, not letting her fall.
"Ahhh..." she gasped and looked up, only to find him peering down into her eyes.
Brown glassy eyes looked into the darker ones, so troubled and so mesmerized at the same time that even the sun felt shy to witness such a predicament and hid itself behind the veil of dusk. Time stilled as they laid their eyes on each other...after eons they knew not. Was it a month or two... that didn't matter but this moment was a moment meant to be.
Their breaths mingled in the proximity as the touch now generated a heat that warmed both their bodies. Everything was so still that the wind had to intervene to let the two shooting stars come out of the stupor and walk on the path they desired.
Her hair fell on her eyes and he gently pried it off with one hand, still holding her other hand in his firm grip.
"You came..." he whispered on her lips and she trembled, "and you were running away?"
She trembled...whether it was his words or his proximity she didn't know. But she did raise her lashes to look at him and it was a feeling she had never felt in those months.
Relief...peace... or whatever you call it.
His face looked tired and dark circle marred his skin. The clean shaven cheeks now had a hint of stubble as a result of lack of care and yet he looked just so amazing...just so handsome... just so him'. She felt so overwhelmed that she never realized when she had raised her hand and placed it on his cheek, slowly grazing that rough skin, capturing this moment in her heart that she'd contemplate on later.
He let her feel him as much as she wanted. The woman in his arms was everything to him now.
His beginning and his end.
His sunshine and his darkness.
His nothing and his everything.
"Come back to me..." he whispered.
She stumbled out of the stupor that she was in and realized what she was doing. She quickly pulled away her hand and tried to push him away.
Oh No...what in the world was she doing?
She looked around and then at him and then at the predicament they were in and pushed him away.
"Geet..." he called out, holding her firm.
"No...let me go..."
She couldn't believe she could do something like this. What in the world was she thinking? She was making it more difficult that it already was.
"No. Listen to me first..." he didn't let go of her.
"No Maan...just let me go."
"I won't..." he spoke sternly, "not until you tell me why do you want to run away."
Her eyes filled up as she pushed at his chest, "that is nothing of your concern..."
Enraged at her denial and her struggled, he held her by her shoulder and shook her to sanity, "hell it concerns me... and it concerns you. And I am not letting you go...You can't go away like this"
She looked up at him, stunned, "how dare you? How dare you tell me what to do and what not to?"
"how dare me? Then tell me why is that you came out? Is it not to see me? Why did you run out calling out my name? Why are you still in my arms then...?"
She looked down and found her holding his hand tightly and she quickly gulped down that knot in her throat. she quickly pulled away her hand from his and took a step back, suddenly feeling so defeated.
His questions were legit.
What was she doing out here in his arms?
Why did she feel such peace in his embrace?
She felt her resolutions breaking and he saw that hard exterior of her cracking too.
He took a step closer and cupped her cheeks, "I love you Geet..."
A drop of tear rolled down, "Maan please don't do this..."
"...I don't want you to go yet I cannot force you to stay back with me..." he gave in to the helplessness.
"let me go..." she begged.
She realized now that she wasn't strong enough to withhold this feeling. She'd make her choices but she wasn't brave enough like him to stick to it. She had, in all, been a loser all this time.
"Tell me what do I do?" his fingers slowly ran into her hair and held her firm.
She was a cold fire...and he, hot ice.
Burning and melting and freezing and precipitating all at the same time.
She was fire...always been so, losing her warmth and turning colder each time she fell. he had was ice... always been so, losing his coldness and warming up a little every time he came in touch with her.
She closed her eyes in defeat, "Don't make this harder than it already is for me..."
"then tell me what to do and I will go away..." he proposed.
She took a deep breath in.
"Tell me to go away and I will. Tell me to forget you and I will. Tell me to vanish and that I will little storm but don't be so cold on me..."
She sobbed unable to talk anything but somehow she gathered her semblance.
How can she ask him to go away? How can she ask him to vanish? For the love of kanha, she wouldn't be able to bear it herself.
"Don't love me then..." she spoke after a pregnant pause.
He gasped and looked at her incredulously, breaking apart.
"That is what I ask of you..." she cried.
"And that is what I cannot do." He confessed, "Does that bother you Geet?"
She hid her face in her palms and wiped her tears.
"tell me honestly... does that bother you?"
She looked at him and into his eyes that beckoned her to speak and she nodded.
"yes..." She mumbled.
And in one long stride, he was back again, close to her, smiling a little, holding her caged in his arms that confused her so much.
"You feel it too, don't you?"
"huh?" she looked up at his face, "let me go Maan...leave me." She pushed at his chest.
"You can't deny this Geet. You feel something here..." he held her hand placed it on her heart.
She stood aghast, realizing the beat of her heart against her palm.
"Wh...what are you saying?"
"you are trying to run away from your own self... your heart is racing Geet, telling what you feel is all so right..."
She shook her head in denial but deep down she knew he was right. Her heart was thudding... running a mile a minute with his proximity, making her believe something she had been denying all this while. And the truth hit her so hard that she remained shocked beyond wits. And the intensity of her own feelings scared her.
"NO it is not..." she tried finding her voice but she couldn't.
"then why does my feelings for you bother you so much? Why can't you just ask me to get lost? Just say it Geet... say it."
"leave me alone..." she screamed.
She pushed at him as hard as she could and took a step back, "coming here was a mistake. A big mistake..."
She turned around and ran away without giving a backward glance!
1 month later
She cursed the treacherous British weather as she struggled with the umbrella amidst the wild wind that brought the cold rains with her. There were hardly any cabs around and she knew she'd have to walk towards the bus stop to catch the earliest bus home. Pulling her jacket closer and tying her hair into a bun, she rushed towards the bus stop, waving to her colleagues.
There was a loud thunder as she walked across a school boundary and then a bolt of lightning spanned the sky, making everything bright in the dark evening. And in that flash of light, she saw the weeping willow, weeping rains from its drooping leaves, outgrowing the school fence. She stopped and froze and stared at it. the tree cried in the rain and she time travelled yet again.
Why are they called weeping willows?
This gives a sad connotation to it..."
A loud honk from the other side didn't let her delve deeper into her thoughts and she saw her bus approaching. Thanking her Kanha, she rushed towards the bus and got on it. as the bus moved, she passed the crying tree yet again...her heart suddenly crying with it too.
This night was going to be a sleepless one...yet again!
She rested her head over the window bar and let the droplets of rain wet her face. Its been a troublesome month since she had been back.
One month since she had last seen or heard from Maan.
She had gone and said her goodbyes to Ana and Kabir and she was done with the formalities as quickly as she could but nothing and no one haunted her so like Maan and his words.
Why did it bother her so much? His feelings... his being and his not being...
She had spent days and nights awake until her brain had come up with an answer.
You are in love with him Geet... Accept it.
Knowing and accepting are two different aspects altogether. You know and you accept...that part is easy. You don't know and you don't have to accept. That is easy too. but knowing and not accepting is a tough call. And she had found herself in such a situation all over again.
But how can she...
She had remained so disturbed and so restless until she had cried and screamed and fought with her Kanha and the blocked her head from everything. Now, she worked endlessly during the day, kept herself busy with Pooja and the family till dinner but who could soothe her at nights when she was left all alone with her thoughts?
She sat with her Kanha and complained about it. she wasn't supposed to feel this way... she wasn't supposed to fly like this knowing her wings could be clipped off at any given time without warning... how could she accept something that she was scared would remain forever?
"Nothing remains forever kanha... not anymore!"
She wiped her tears as she got down at her stop and walked in.
In the fourth month of her pregnancy, Pooja looked adorable. She had dinner with her family who made her laugh and told her stories and then she checked her phone. Ana's texts made her smile. In some ways or the other, she felt guilty to have left Ana all alone. But that woman never left her side. She kept texting her about her day, her new job, her new friends, asked her about her day and what Kabir said or what Aarush did...every single thing and every single day; whether she replied or not.
"and Maan Bhai is traveling to Miami this weekend.."
And at the end of it, she'd always drop a word about Maan. That was one relief.
She quickly replied to a few texts and went to sleep. But how could she sleep when all her brain cropped up was him and only him.
Miami... her mind wandered...how beautiful the beach had been and the weather and that interview.
"I was being so rude in the office... I was just angry.."
"I know.." he cut in between, "and it's not only me Geet.."
She watched him look ahead again, breaking their eyes contact.
He didn't look at her and they kept walking. The waves kept crashing and the wind remained.
"People are going to let you down Geet... that is why I asked you not to expect so much from anyone."
He looked back at her, now his eyes conveying so much more than he spoke.
She curled into a fetal position and tried everything in her hands to stop her mind from wandering towards him but she failed miserably.
She had tried her best to not fall for the charms of love but she had failed in that too.
She was a loser after all...
She tried listening to songs; reading a book; taking a walk; working on something stupid but nothing helped. And all that she ended up thinking was that one person who she was running away from.
Will I ever get some peace?
She mumbled to herself and finally caught some of her sleep in the wee hours of the morning.
"Okay Aarush is going back to India... I don't feel so good."
"...and he is gone. I hate him. Grrr..."
"had a bad bad bad fight with Kabir... that duffer I tell you, always tries to boss on me."
"Come to visit us Geet...else I am going to visit you..."
"Had a bad day at work... I don't want to go back to that place again. How is everything with you?"
"Okay I tried cooking something for the first time today...all thanks to mom. And I ruined it. yay. She isn't going to ask me to cook ever again. **dances**"
She always knew what happened back in NYC, all thanks to endless texts from Ana. Not that she didn't reply; they had fun chatting and video calling but she missed everything about NYC. The winter mornings, the evening drizzles, the spring sunshine, the walk in the central park, the hustle and bustle of the Times Square, dinners at Ellen's...
Dinners At Ellens...
Her heart warmed up tenderly at the memory of their being... oh how beautiful were they and how reckless she had been.
His laughter echoed in her head as she waded back in time.
A phone call from work distracted her and she snapped back to reality. Every little thing reminded her of Maan now and she knew what that meant. But then, she stopped her mind right there; pulling reins on her mind to stop going to that 'forbidden territory' of her life.
Days will turn into weeks and weeks into months... Months will turn into years and then she'd get used to this... She'd get over this feeling.
She mumbled to herself; more like repeating this over and over again until her mind believed what her heart couldn't.
This feeling of lov...
She shook her head, stopping herself from thinking further and quickly answered the call. Her life was in a mess. his thoughts and those feelings never seemed to leave her even for a minute.
"hey Geet...guess what, Maan Bhai is traveling to London...Come back with him woman!"
Ana's text rattled her. She didn't even read what she had to say further but the thought of him coming to London was itself such a disturbing news. She had not been in contact with him ever since and somehow she had made peace with her situation. But his arrival was a ripple in the monotony of her life. She grew restless and prayed to her Kanha under her breath.
Kanha please...let us not see each other.
It was the third time that she dropped the spatula while stirring the curry and Pooja sighed. She walked to her and snatched it away, "Where are you lost Geet?"
Geet shook her head, "No...Nothing Pooja. This just slipped...sorry."
"Are you done?" she peeked over to look at the curry she was preparing and tasted a spoonful of it and hissed.
"Ohh dear...this is so spicy..."
"really?" Geet couldn't believe this.
She quickly brought a glass of water and handed it over to her friend, "I am so sorry Pooja...I just didn't realize..."
Pooja gulped down the water and held Geet's hand, "tell me what is bothering you?"
"I am observing you for the past two days Geet...you are disturbed about something. Tell me. Is everything okay?"
Geet took a deep breath in and slowly let it out, realizing how spaced out she had been.
"I am sorry to worry you like this. I am okay... "
Pooja narrowed her eyes, "are you sure?"
"yeah...its just work and nothing else."
"Hmmm..." Pooja nodded and thought for a while, "how about we go out today?"
"yeah...it's a weekend. You are stressed out about work. Am bored of staying home all the day. Why not go out, shop a little and have dinner and come back?"
Distraction sounded legit in the part of the life she was living in now.
What has she been surviving on but distractions all these days!
And hence, she agreed to yet again divert her mind and heart from something so obvious and so prominent.
They finished the dinner and strolled around, making small talk. The weather was cool and breezy and the pale moon shone over them like a beautiful little disco light.
"Ohh No! Geet...we forgot to bring the pastries we had packed..." Pooja hit her head in panic.
"Ohh...okay. Stay here. I will just run and grab it. be here ok."
She jogged back to the restaurant they had just left behind and Pooja followed for she didn't want to be left alone.
She went to the counter and asked her packet, huffing in the run.
"Ohh thank you..." she smiled and grabbed her packet and turned back, only to hit something right on her face.
She stumbled backwards, "Owww..."
She rubbed her nose and looked up, only to find those dark eyes peering down at her, with so many emotions she couldn't fathom.
"hey.." he smiled softly.
Her breath stuck in her throat as she let out a little squeak, "Maan!"
>>Dun! Dun! Dun! Did I stop at the wrong point again?? Ooops my Bad!
But I enjoy this you know.
>>I don't know what will happen next! Uff so much confusion.