OS - Lakshman: a tale of guilt and remorse

No...no no no.

This could not be happening. Dear God, please let this be a trick. Please let this be a prank.

But that was impossible. His Sita bhabhi, his mother, would never play such a cruel prank on them, not even in her dreams.

"Bhabhi!" Lakshman cried out desperately, running around the ashram aimlessly, shock gripping his mind and stealing his senses.

He felt helpless, utterly helpless, and it was not a feeling he was used to. He hated it, feeling this way. It made him feel powerless, as if other forces were at play, preventing him from easing the sorrow of his beloved brother.

"Bhaiyya," Lakshman choked out despairingly, "Bhabhi is not here. I looked everywhere."

His Ram bhaiyya looked as if the ground beneath him had collapsed. Swaying on his feet, he leaned against the limb of a tree, crying, "My beloved Sita, where have you gone?"

"We will find her, bhaiyya," Lakshman placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. "Keep courage, we will find her."

Ram looked at his brother and quickly nodded, hope filling his heart. "Yes, yes of course. We will find her, Lakshman. We will, won't we?"

Lakshman glanced at his brother with tears in his eyes. His Ram bhaiyya was in pain. He was suffering, and all because of him.

He hung his head in guilt and turned away from his brother. He did not want his brother to see him like this. He could not add to his suffering. He had already done enough.

His heart clenched painfully as he recollected the harsh words spoken by his brother less than an hour ago. He had gone to check on his brother at the behest of his bhabhi, who was frantic with worry for his safety. He knew his brother would be alright. He was always alright. Nothing in the world could harm him, but his hand had been forced by the anger of his normally loving mother. However, it was nothing compared to the disapproval that had flashed in his brother's eyes, eyes that had always crinkled in adoration whenever they looked at him.

"What are you doing here, Lakshman?" Ram bhaiyya had asked him, eyes widening in shock at the sight of his younger brother in the dense jungle.

"We heard shouts of help at the ashram, bhaiyya." Lakshman explained himself, "Bhabhi feared you were in danger and compelled me to search for you."

"Lakshman, how could you ever think I was in danger?" Ram asked his brother in disbelief, realization slowly dawning on him. "Even had I been in peril, would I shout so helplessly just to have you abandon Sita and come to me?"

"I know, bhaiyya, forgive me," Lakshman bowed his head low in guilt. "I did not believe you were in danger, but bhabhi in her anxiety was very harsh and compelled me to leave her. I had no choice. She accused me of having inappropriate intentions towards her. How could I stay behind after hearing that?"

"You did not do right, Lakshman," Ram's eyes clouded in disappointment, not knowing this single expression pierced his brother's heart more than any of his words. "I trusted you with Sita's safety. I went after the golden deer, comforted by the thought that you, my devoted brother, would never leave Vaidehi alone. It is not the fact that you disobeyed me that gives me unhappiness, but that you let the words of a restless woman cause you to forget your duty."

"Forgive me, bhaiyya." Lakshman's eyes brimmed with tears but he forced them aside.

"I am not angry at you, Lakshman." Ram sighed, his heart clenching with anxiety. "I am angry at myself for falling into the demons' trap. The golden deer was none other than Mareech, who disguised his voice as my own as he lay dying. Some nefarious force is at work, and I fear we will not find Sita in the ashram."

"Keep heart, bhaiyya. Bhabhi will be waiting for us when he return, you will see."

'She has to be, or I will never forgive myself,' thought Lakshman, his heart racing as he and his brother ran through the jungle.

"Yes, we will, bhaiyya," Lakshman now said to his brother, forcing courage where he felt none. "We will find bhabhi, and we will punish the wicked one who dared to lay hands on her."

Ram's eyes flashed with anger, and he replied, "Of that you can be certain."

~*~

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Ram and Lakshman lost count of the days as they trudged through the dense jungles of Dandakaranya, which became thicker and darker as they wandered deeper every day. Demons inhabiting the jungles had taken one look at the drooping, solemn humans and made the mistake of thinking them weak, but a single arrow from their quivers ended their miserable lives and gave salvation to the cursed souls.

Lakshman took care of his brother at every turn, becoming rapidly alarmed as Ram retreated into himself and hardly spoke a word each day. The food he brought to him was left untouched, and deep sighs were heard from his lips during the night.

It killed Lakshman, this silent agony of Ram. The more pain he saw on his brother's countenance, the more he hated himself.

This had all happened because of him. He had failed, in the worst way possible.

'I am a failure,' thought Lakshman, grieving to himself one night as he and his brother lay on the bare jungle floor, pretending sleep although neither had felt the embrace of Nidra devi for a long time.

'How can I ever look Ram bhaiyya in the face again? How can I answer Jyesht Mata Kaushalya, who entrusted her beloved daughter Sita to me with unconditional trust? How can I answer my own mother, who ordered me to serve bhaiyya and bhabhi as if they were my parents? They are my parents, have always been my parents, and I failed them as a son.'

Tears smudged his cheeks, and he stifled the agonized cry which threatened to break forth from his chest. He could not let Ram bhaiyya see him like this. He could not add to his suffering.

'What a worthless creature I am! I could not properly carry out my duties, when bhaiyya and bhabhi depended on me the most. I could not fulfill my responsibilities. How can I ever face Urmila, after betraying her sister in the most terrible way? Urmi will see me with disgust, for she loves bhabhi as much as I love bhaiyya. She would never forgive me, not that I deserve her forgiveness.'

What he'd done was unforgivable. Even if by a stroke of luck, everyone else forgave him, he could never forgive himself.

Unworthy of forgiveness.

Unworthy of mercy.

Unworthy of love.

That's what he was...unworthy.

Suddenly a gentle hand brushed his cheek, and Lakshman sat up with a start, surprised to see his brother crouched next to him.

"Tears?" Ram asked his brother in shock. "Lakshman, what is this?"

Lakshman shut his eyes, feeling guilty that he had disrupted his brother's sleep.

'Yet another mistake to prove how much of a failure I am,' he thought bitterly.

"Stop it, right now!" Ram commanded sternly.

Lakshman looked at him in shock. Had his brother just raised his voice at him?

'Not that I do not deserve it.'

"I know what you are thinking, and you must stop it right now, Lakshman," Ram spoke in a softer voice. "It does not do to dwell on such miserable thoughts and let them take such a dark turn. Trust me, my dear brother, I understand."

Ram bhaiyya had always been able to read his thoughts, just as he'd been able to read his. Joined by the hip, they were, and always had been.

And he had betrayed such a loving brother.

"Forgive me, bhaiyya, but you do not understand," Lakshman spoke harshly, the anger he expressed aimed at himself. "I am to blame for your misery, for bhabhi's misery. I have disappointed you in the worst way possible. I do not know how you can bear to see my face every day."

"Well, it is quite a good-looking face," Ram joked weakly, but decided humor was inappropriate at the moment. "Lalshman, what in the world are you saying? Is this really my brave, courageous brother talking? You sound so weak, so vulnerable. This is not like you, my dear."

"I am a disappointment," Lakshman spoke in a cracked voice, his heart heavy with grief. "I do not deserve your love, bhaiyya. Please do not make this harder for me!"

"Oh Lakshman." Ram's eyes swam with tears as he realized the full extent of his brother's all-consuming guilt. "Forgive me, my dear brother. I have neglected you terribly the past few months, and clearly it has resulted in such dark, negative thoughts."

Ram leaned forward and gathered his younger brother into his arms, holding him like a father holds his beloved son. Lakshman felt his brother's healing love wash over him like the warmth of the sun's rays, and no longer able to control himself, he wept bitter tears onto his brother's shoulder.

Ram caressed his back lovingly and let his brother cry, not saying anything for a long time. Finally, Lakshman exhausted his tears and let his brother place his head on his lap, as he'd done during their childhood, and he felt the merciful embrace of Nidra devi wash over him after so long. How wonderful it felt to sleep again, to feel caressed by the loving touch of a parent. For the first time in so long, Lakshman felt his guilt wash away, and he slept peacefully while Ram leaned against a tree with a sad smile. It was his turn to take care of his brother, and he would not fail a father's duty, as he'd already failed a husband's.

Ram had his own guilt to deal with, but for now, his brother's condition took precedence.

The next morning, both brothers had a heartfelt talk, and Lakshman finally revealed all his dark, inner thoughts to his brother. Ram was shocked hearing how much Lakshman blamed himself for Sita's abduction, and he quickly set about removing Lakshman's guilt. His brother was immovable, so convinced was he that he was at fault! Finally, after many a stern, uplifting talk, Lakshman agreed that he was not all at fault. After all, it was that evil Ravan who had done the ill deed, but a lingering sense of guilt remained, which would not be removed until they rescued Sita and avenged her humiliation.

Ram sighed. He had done his best, but even he knew Lakshman could be stubborn when it came to self-reproach. Even as a child, he had always set high standards for himself, always expected the best of himself, and whenever he felt he failed, he was harder on himself than he deserved to be.

Both brothers resumed their journey with renewed vigor. Where they had lagged before with despair, they now quickened their pace with determination. Ravan would be punished for his ill deed, and Sita would be rescued from her confinement. No force could stop them now.

~*~

"Please relay to Lakshman my heartfelt apology. Knowing my dear son's nature, I know he blames himself for my abduction, but he must not. If anyone is to blame, it is myself, for not heeding his advice and straying from the protective boundary he so lovingly drew for me. Forgive me, dear Saumitra, for putting you and my Lord through such grief, and for speaking such harsh words to you. They were unwarranted and unjust, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive this bhabhi of yours, who loves you dearly like her very own son."

Lakshman's eyes welled with tears as he heard the message his Sita bhabhi had sent through Mahaveer Hanuman. How well she knew him! And yet how mistaken she was to blame herself. How could his bhabhi ever think she was at fault for any of this? As a mother, it was her right to speak harshly to her son and scold him when she felt he was doing wrong.

Ravan was cruel, selfish and manipulative. No doubt he had threatened his bhabhi in some way to compel her to cross the line. She was not at fault for the lecherous intentions of an unrighteous man.

The thought of his bhabhi even remotely blaming herself saddened Lakshman greatly.

"Bajrangbali, what was bhabhi's condition when you met her?" Lakshman asked Lord Hanuman, who stood before him and Ram with folded hands. "Is she okay? She is unharmed, right?"

His blood boiled at the thought of Ravan harming his sweet, innocent mother. Should Ravan have laid even one hand on her, he would suffer a terrible and painful blow at his hands before being killed by his brother, for as much as Lakshman yearned to bring an end to the demon, it was his Ram bhaiyya's right to kill him.

"Sita Maiyya is in good physical health, Lakshman bhaiyya," Hanuman replied, his voice wavering with emotion as he recollected the condition of their pure, gentle mother. "And yet, what can I say about her mental condition? She sits day and night in the ashok vatika of that dusht, paapi Ravan, under the shade of a large ashoka tree. She is surrounded by demonesses who emotionally abuse her every moment of the day. They threaten her with dire consequences should she not submit to Ravan, and yet maiyya fears not a word of theirs. Her immense strength and patience frighten her captors, though they descend on her like vultures time and again. She never shows weakness to those who pose a threat to her, but in the silence of night she weeps for Prabhu Shri Ram, and even for you Lakshman bhaiyya. Sometimes her confidence wavers, but she never loses faith in either of you, knowing you will rescue her from captivity soon."

"That we will, Hanumanji," Lakshman declared staunchly, his heart burning with fury for the rakshasas who tormented his bhabhi. He would avenge her suffering, and he would put an end to her trauma. He would atone for the great sin he'd done in leaving her without protection.

No matter what anyone said, he was at fault. His heart knew it. He knew it.

Ram placed a hand on his brother's shoulder, shaking his head as if in reprimand. This was not a time for guilty thoughts. There was war ahead, and they all had to derive strength from each other to defeat the unrighteous demons and rescue Sita from their clutches.

Lakshman nodded his head at his brother and tightened his grip on his bow.

The demons would not know what hit them, for they had never faced the wrath of the Raghuvanshi princes. Drunk with power and thinking themselves indefeatable, they had made the fatal mistake of abducting Mahalakshmi herself, and that single act of theirs would bring Maha Vishnu and Adi Sesha to their doorstep, not as friends but as enemies.

What a fool one must be, to make an enemy out of a loving, merciful God!

~*~

Lakshman felt his heart clench painfully as he caught his comatose brother, who had begun swaying dangerously before losing consciousness altogether.

Cradling his brother's body in his arms, Lakshman took him inside the tent, refusing the assistance of the vaanars. He was Adi Sesha, who bore the weight of the entire world upon his hoods, and became a resting place for Vishnu and Lakshmi. Could he not carry the full weight of his brother, who had himself carried him after Meghnad had rendered him unconscious with the shakti?

"It cannot be true, Hanumanji," Lakshman spoke to the great devotee of Ram, who sat next to him with tears in his eyes. "Sita maiyya cannot be - dead. It is not possible."

His heart clenched at the thought.

"I saw it with my own eyes, Lakshman bhaiyya," Lord Hanuman spoke sorrowfully. "That dush Indrajit killed our mother without any second thought!"

"No!" Lakshman closed his eyes.

Sita bhabhi could not die. She just couldn't. They hadn't come this far just to lose her like this. His Ram bhaiyya wouldn't be able to bear it. He wouldn't be able to bear it.

Dear God, please let this be a cruel joke the demons are playing.

~*~

The relief and jubilation that Lakshman felt upon Ravan's death and the homecoming of Sita were quickly gone by the chilling words spoken by his brother, words Lakshman had never heard from him.

Everyone had expected Ram to have an emotional, loving reunion with his wife, hugging her close after having been separated for 10 months, but no one had expected a cold and unfeeling Ram, least of all Lakshman.

Lakshman had seen how much his brother had suffered over the past ten months, yearning and weeping for Sita when he thought himself alone. Why then did his brother act as if he cared nothing for his beloved wife, who stood in front of him with shock and confusion.

"Princess, I have done my duty by releasing you from that demon's captivity," Ram spoke in a cold, formal tone, his eyes appearing devoid of emotion. "You are now free to go where you please. You may have your choice of husband from those present here, whether it be Maharaj Vibhishan, Maharaj Sugriva, or even Lakshman."

Lakshman gaped at his brother and clenched his eyes shut so that he would not be able to see the hurt in his bhabhi's eyes.

'Lord Shiva! Bhaiyya knows I consider bhabhi my mother. How could he insinuate such a thing about her? How could he even think I would see her in any other light?'

Suddenly, Lakshman felt anger fill his heart. This was not right, and he could never stand silently while injustice was being done. Sita was his mother, and it was the duty of a son to fight the world for her self-respect and happiness. Even if he had to fight against his own dear brother, he would do so. His bhabhi had suffered enough. She would suffer no more.

He opened his mouth to argue with his brother, but Sita stilled him with a silent shake of her head. Her eyes flared with anger, but there was also emotion behind them, as if she alone understood her Lord's actions.

"If my Lord wishes to abandon me, then there is no reason for me to remain on this Earth," she spoke in just as cold and formal of a tone.

Husband and wife stood facing each other stiffly, their eyes flared in determination, and their gazes piercing each other's souls.

"Lakshman, build a pyre for me. I wish to seek the protection of Lord Agni, who alone can give testimony of my faith and purity."

Lakshman gasped and immediately shook his head, tears streaming his cheeks. "Bhabhi, please do not give me such an order! I cannot -"

"Lakshman, follow my orders," Sita told him sternly. Her tone brooked no argument, and Lakshman knew he was powerless in the face of her determination.

Bowing his head in submission, he glanced at his brother for his reaction, and was surprised to see a flicker of emotion in his eyes, but he gave Lakshman a small nod, as if in approval of Sita's orders.

Lakshman was confused. To the outsider, it appeared as if Lord Ram and Devi Sita were faced in antagonism, angry at each other for unknown reasons, but Lakshman knew his bhaiya and bhabhi. Their eyes spoke of a divine plan, a secret they kept from the world.

Lakshman invoked a divine fire with the flick of his hand, astounding onlookers with his power. He gazed mournfully at his bhabhi, but she did not meet his eyes. She merely glanced at her Lord with determination, sheer power emanating from her glowing body.

~*~

Lakshman finally felt all the turmoil of the past several months ease away as he glanced at the beautific image of Ram and Sita seated together on the throne of Ayodhya, coronated King and Queen amidst joyous celebrations from the citizens of the Kingdom.

Exchanging a grin with his Bharat bhaiya and younger twin Shatrughna, Lakshman thanked the Gods that everything had turned out well. His bhaiya and bhabhi were finally the King and Queen of Ayodhya, and they would have the happy life they deserved. The guilt he had been holding in his heart for almost a year was finally gone. His bhabhi had made sure of that, showering him with her motherly warmth all the way back to Ayodhya.

Turning his head to the audience present in the royal court, Lakshman caught a glimpse of his feisty wife, Urmila, who had set about removing any remaining guilt through quite a passionate reunion the night of their arrival. Needless to say, neither of them had gotten much sleep and sported dark eyes the next morning, earning good-natured teasing from their siblings.

Urmila caught her husband's glance and blew him a discreet kiss, making Lakshman blush furiously.

He hoped no one had seen that, but alas, his Sita bhabhi raised her brows and gave him a mischievous look. She nodded towards Urmila, as if saying to him, 'What are you doing hanging out here? The coronation is done. Go be with your wife, who's been separated from you long enough.'

Only a woman could understand another woman's pain, particularly that of a sister's.

Lakshman hesitated, but Ram gave him a stern look that said, 'Listen to your mother's orders.'

Grinning, Lakshman almost leapt with joy and whisked a shocked Urmila away, not even trying to be discreet.

His heart was finally at ease. He felt worthy of love again. All was right in the world.