Posted:
Bani's Hotel
Welcome to "Bani The Great" Hotel, a great secluded tourist destination for all sulky loners, socially inept self-victims of this cruel world !!
Our hotel staff speaks fluent hipster-English and is equipped with high quality Google translator app to understand Hindi speaking lowly scums. The future release of the app will decode Priyanka/Manu English as well.
Some Wren Martin customers may find it difficult to understand our Hotel staff's immaculate English. A complimentary copy of "Fuctionary" is available in each room which explains in detail every English expletive,cuss words used by staff to respectfully address our customers. The appendix contains a catalog of various facial twitches,their meanings. Please study them carefully as it is your duty to keep our staff happy and content.
You will be quizzed on the Fuctionary and will be awarded grades such as Kutte,mo*er-f**er, moron and most coveted di*k-head. Kuttes will be required to take exam again.
A beautiful,grand marble statue of Gauhar adorns the foyer and it is customary for all staff and visitors to kneel before her and take her blessings. The hotel proudly announces exclusive deals for regular customers to benefit from her advice on anything ranging from how to get rid of self-focussed,overly clinging friends to where to shop best ball-bearings for nuclear reactors.
For a nominal fee, our technicians will gladly do Siri voice makeover with Gauhar's sweet, faminine voice.
Special discount on the most exclusive suits for highly successful, self-made people where they are required to do their own cooking, laundry and cleaning.
For people on shoe-string budget, we have Lopa suites where you will be attended by staff specially trained by Omji and will keep you entertained with constant high-decible chatter and rock-on dance. On arrival, you will be welcomed with a steaming cup of coffee in special Baba mugs and world famous Jalebis by our chef Rahul.
We use special Baba antibacterial turmeric detergent for laundry and you will be thrilled to know that your clothes will get permanent, asthetically pleasant yellow spots at no extra cost.
Visit our unique Spa designed to promote sudden mood-swings, frustrations and unpredictable behaviour. At the end of session, vent out your inner pent-up feelings by gnawing, hitting at high-impact resistant wooden door or throwing darts at Manu, Lopa's picture.
Bani, our founder knows how important it is to keep metabolism revved up 24/7. All furniture, bed, iron board in your room are made from high quality edible soy protein. Please munch away at your heart's desire.
All our Pepsi, Coke, Fontas sodas are made from 100% Soy milk and eggnog.
We proudly present our impassive chef Gaurav, who learnt his early culinary skills from his master-chef dad went on to be a protege of Sanjeev Kapoor. Please allow 4-5 hours after placing order with him as he is always in constant struggle to decide whether to cook as a son or as a student of Sanjeev.
A limited time Gym offer with Bani. Personal training, harsh insults, and patented cuss words all 3 for a price of one!!! Hurry, the seats are limited. Please note that Jason is no longer available as a personal trainer for young females on Bani's directives. Also strictly no selfies with Jason in short pants.
Please note that staff uses F**k words solely to express happiness, frustration, excitement and non-excitement. Please do not take them literally and certainly not as invitation. Inquiries regarding rates of female staff will not be entertained.
Our staff is very sensitive and accustomed to abrupt walks out due to dislike to certain names, height, age, eye colour or shape of nose of customers. Please call in advance to learn our approval specs and adhere to them to avoid any future walkout. For your convenience, plastic surgeon is available on premises.
Finally let us remind you our catchy slogan.. "Come and Enjoy the sh*t"
Other Posts
I propose to Bani
Priyanka Son's Letter
comment:
p_commentcount