Memories - TWINJ FF new part Page 52! - Page 38

 The moment you reach home... tired and lost.. waiting for the comfort u day dreamed off all day... and you let go... you take a sigh of relief and the candle of happiness lights in you unconsciously...

At that very moment...

In her arms... thats exactly what i felt...

even if I did love her.. the emotions I experienced at that moment was something more ... her touch felt home... as if the piece I had lost on that dreadful farewell night... was given back to me... though the piece was old... cracked...and needed fixing ... but it was the main part ...as if it was the one that could set everything into motion...

Yes the line blurred for me ... but just for a second...

my emotions of friendship overcame my love... and I just didnt want to let go... even if it meant caging...my heart...

This was home...will always be.

I wanted to preserve this moment forever... old memories of hurt and pain...felt a bit lesser... as if this moment... acted as a medicine on those wounds.

...

Only after hugging I realised what I had done... but the moment felt so pure so true.. so real... that I want to savor it forever...

His touch did ignite other feelings...but the overwhelming relief of getting my best friend was much bigger than that..

the other feelings took a back seat and as i let him go .. I knew... I found that missing piece of myself... that piece that completed the puzzle and brought the picture live...

...

Day 3 ( 1 day to go )

I was still re reading the text she sent me last night...

" Maybe.. it was better to get lost to find our friendship again... in its real form..."

The word real bothered me for some reason...

our real friendship also included my arrogance.. my ignorance and my inability to appreciate..

the guilt would never leave me ...I realised...

But her message also reminded me of the memories of everytime we thought we got our friendship back and how it got destroyed further...

and it scared me more...

Maybe I was being paranoid.. maybe I was so used to losing.. that I had gotten used to it..

But I was also getting used to her morning and night messages...

It had been only two days ... but I felt like I was going to the old cycle.. where this was an essential part...

I was so confused..so lost and so scared.. that I didn't realize that someone was tapping on my shoulder...

...

I saw him staring at the wall...so lost...it was impossible to read his thoughts owing to his blank face...

I walked towards him...

He was as still as a statue...

I tapped on his shoulder and he was taken aback

"Hey ..you don't have any work ? where are you lost?

He was still speechless

I waved my hand and said "Hello!!

He finally spoke " whats up? How come you are here ?

"I came to know an hour back that I have a meeting with you ... I thought you would know so didn't message

"Oh really? I have not looked at my calendar today

"Busy with your girlfriends?

He laughed...

"You wish...

"Oh I would not wish that...

His face turned serious and I burst out laughing

"Oh my god stop taking me so seriously... !

He smiled...

"Let us start the meeting then ?

He said "yes but coffee first...work can be delayed

He gave a grin

"How you have managed to work in such a reputed company I will never know

"Hey hey... I do work ok but not without coffee

"Yeah I know how much u love coffee.. or should I say the barista who serves it

He started grinning " oh I miss our college one though..she used to flirt with me quite a lot you know

" yeah yeah in your head

"Hey no..she really flirted ...

"Yeah right I said rolling my eyes...

And we both started laughing.. as we headed towards the caf..

"So how is work ?

He asked...

" Umm I am almost sure my boss wants to kill me by making me work so much.. I was glad I had this meeting...I am not getting a chance to take a breath even... it's like he is punishing me cuz I am taking half day on Friday...gosh

"trust me all bosses are like that..but it is ok...we will enjoy at the wedding it will be worth it

I smiled..

And that moment I realized.. this was one of our first normal conversations where the awkward silences had a taken a back seat and friendship was blooming.. and I couldn't feel more at peace..

Life was bringing him and I in contact again and again.. and I was taking these signs positively...

For the next one hour it was all work talk and yet I felt relaxed...I felt like life was normal finally...

Or was it ?

...

As she walked away after our meeting...I opened my drawer and pulled out the crumpled poem of hers...

"A friendship so pure

A friendship so selfless

I read the first two lines...

And wondered...if we could reach there again... or I could? The guilt would stay .. I was sure of that..

...

I went home and I remembered something which I still had not bothered about...

DRESS! What was I going to wear... I had been so absorbed with work and his thoughts, I had not packed... and we were due to leave next day.

I looked at the time and realized it was  7 pm..Selecting dresses that too for occasions were not my thing really. I had always dragged my friends to help me choose. The truth is in the last few years, I had attended very few functions and mostly mom picked the dress and I would wear it without a fuss... weird right ? well that was me...

I realized I needed to pack two good dresses..one for the wedding ..one for the reception ...

I stared at my cupboard...with my mind slowly drifting to old days... I had a couple of good girlfriends who I almost always relied on... but post moving to another city, such relationships were missing in my life. Maybe I never made an effort to...it is weird how a single event in your life can had a ripple effect...

The drive to be isolated... the drive to feel numb..and not feel anything..had driven me away from many things... it would be wrong to blame everything on him...

The person who gives you grief is responsible only for the grief and not of how you handle that grief...

A lot of how handled it was due to my personality .. I was an all or none type of person..

I couldn't be selective in my actions and that was my weakness...

From being one of the most social people in my college.. I had gradually become a loner.. and I liked it that way... I and my thoughts had been my company over the last few years...and I couldn't blame that on him...maybe that's what growing up is all about...

I continued to stare at my cupboard..completely unmotivated to select any dress... I thought I would video call mom...but realised  that I had not informed her about the wedding.. and I didn't want to play 101 questions with her.. her brother was useless in this matter...she used to pick his outfits ...

I scrolled through my phone...when suddenly my phone rang...

"Hi ... what's up ?

His voice felt home to me.. and immediately I was drawn out of the sea of thoughts

"nothing much.. trying to pack.. are u done?

"naah..will do in a bit.. I wanted to ask whose car should we take..yours or mine?

"umm how about yours, I have never driven mine for such long distances...

"Sure... so whom did you force to select your clothes

he laughed softly...

his question didn't actually shock me...his memory did... he knew...how I would drag my friends home to select outfits if mom wasn't available.. hell I had dragged him for my farewell dress...

I took a deep breath remembering the farewell ...move on my heart whispered

"well no one really...

...

She said in a very low voice...and even if I didn't want to I did...feel guilty.. was I the reason of so many changes in her life ?

She was always awful in selecting dresses.. she would fret about it for days... because she hated to dress for occasions and she paid attention only when she was reminded how important it was..

Well yeah she wasn't the usual type...

But her not asking anyone.. was another issue...

I wanted to offer to come to her place but was not sure how appropriate that was..

...

I wondered if I could still ask him to come...would that be appropriate.. would that be too much?

And suddenly my bell rang..

My heart skipped... I thought it was him

"hey is that you ?

"no ..i am home...

"Oh .. wait..I will call you back......

...

I kept the phone smiling.. ...and I stared at my phone...

And she called back..

"Oh my god !!! what?? Why?? Why did you send me this dress? Come on!!

" just read the note alright and finish packing...this was long due

...

I was still in shock..my neighbor had taken the parcel for me... and now I understand why he had called..

He had sent me a beautiful light pink and grey dress...

And of the right size? How did he manage that I would never know.. but why ?

My heart was racing after I kept the phone and opened a small note..

" this is for the friend who always gifted me what I needed most ... this is for that thoughtful friend whose b'day gift has been long overdue...thank you for this second chance...

Tears dropped on the note.. as I read it for the millionth time.. is this true? Can someone change so much? And he knew ? he knew about the gifts?.. all I wanted to was shake myself... was this real? Was this true? So I really had him back the way I wanted? The caring friend he once was... that friend...

I picked the phone... and wiped my tears and called

"thank you... I couldn't say anything more ... but my tears rolled... down ...

He didn't say anything... but he remained on the call and as my silent tears found their way..

I knew I was healing... I knew...I was where exactly I needed to be...

...

As I heard her silent tears.. my heart ached with guilt ...but somewhere I felt relieved as..if I had take a step towards better days...in spite of the pain I had put her through... as she continued to be on the call.. I silently stood listening...to the silence between us ..which was so beautiful.. which spoke so much.. not needing words... bcuz words might fail to describe what this was...

She said a soft bye ... and I asked if she was fine...

" never better.. should get back to packing...

" by the way the other dress can be in blue color if u have one since this is pink

" oh yes... Thank u ...

I smiled and kept the phone

...

I sat down and took a deep breath...i went and dug out an old box below my bed...

I opened...the box and there lied 5 boxes...gift wrapped boxes...and even though she didn't have any idea what he needed.. she had yet bought one every year..with a letter attached to each.. and every year..she couldn't build the guts to send...the will to send was discouraged even more with the past but today...that shield of discouragement had lifted...she picked one of the boxes with the letter and put it in her bag...

She was truly at loss of words.. at loss of thoughts... usually it took a long train of thoughts to tire her out before she could sleep...but that day as she lied down...she almost immediately fell asleep with the gift note tightly clutched in her hand...

...

As I put my bags in the car.. I wondered if this was the best step for us a 7 hour long road trip to Goa...

There was almost a constant battle in his heart between him wanting to stay with her every minute and one part asking to stay away in fear of hurting her again.. the common thing between them was their dire wish to keep her happy...

As I waited below her apartment ...she came down with two bags...one purse and one bagpack...

I stared at her and rushed to help... " we are going for two days!

"Hey!...the dresses took a entire bag.. then the rest stuff in the other bag.. and then my laptop...

"oh god...ok ok!

" u better not use the line.. you girls...bla bla

I stared at her "how did you ?

"well because girls know better... always huh!

I started laughing seeing her annoyed face and her confidence

She smiled too seeing me laugh... " ok know it all.. can I put your bags in the car?

" no I will do it myself she started walking towards the car and stumbled and I caught her hand and pulled her back...

I was about to start laughing... but her touch ...made me feel the things I had been preventing myself to feel and I let her go...she remained utterly quiet for that moment...

...

As he caught me...his touch...made the locked part of my heart flutter...and I completely zoned out and you know what hit me more?.. here we were having a fun moment. .. laughing... teasing...but..there will always a part of me wanting more..and that scared me... to the level that I wanted to run back to my room...

I fell silent unable to find my voice... he slowly let me go.. I could feel his eyes on me as I put my bags in the car...

" Umm listen.. did you have lunch?

"yes yes...oh I forgot...

I pulled out food from my bag ... I had kept some for him as I knew he wouldn't have food so early...

"You eat , I will drive for now

" Oh you got food! Thank you...

And just like that the silence took a back seat and so did the feelings or did they?

I started driving.. as he ate...

" so you don't have the no eat rule anymore?

"oh that no no.. that was just for you and he gave an evil grin

"What? I looked angrily at him... "well you would eat pau bhaji and my car would smell for days hence the rule

He started laughing "by the way this pasta is tasty... You finally can cook!

"well I dedicate weekends to cooking

"nice...well don't flatter yourself though...the day you cook good biriyani..I would know you can cook properly!

He said in a teasing tone...I rolled my eyes as I continued to drive.. but somewhere a small butterfly escaped my heart...and I knew this wasn't good...

...

The war in my head continued...and as I ate...I felt this trip was not such a good idea..how can I be a good friend and hide my feelings successfully...

What worried me were not the fact I had feelings ...for her...but the fear that it could blur the lines between us...and I couldn't afford that... more than those feelings I needed that friend much much more in my life...and as I looked at her ...I knew ...how hard this was going to be...

" music?

"sure...

and I put on my recent playlist...

and a song played which I wished had not...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIUp4CzOrpQ

Sun mere humsafar

Kya tujhe itni si bhi khabar

Sun mere humsafar

Kya tujhe itni si bhi khabar

Ki teri saanse chalti jidhar

Rahunga bas wahi umrr bhar

Rahunga bas wahi umrr bhar haaye

"I stared at her...and all hell broke..lose...

She was concentrating at driving and I was glad because I am sure I was giving a very dumb expression..

How do you draw a line when it keeps getting blurred?

Yes...I loved her..Yes I wanted her...

Jitni haseen ye mulakatein hai

Unse bhi pyari teri baatein hai

Baaton mein teri jo kho jaate hai

And as much as I wanted to be her friend...and heal her..the more I was drawn to those feelings which I wanted to kill...

Aaun na hosh mein main kabhi

Baahon mein hai teri zindagi haaye

Sun mere humsafar

Kya tujhe itni si bhi khabar

Zaalima tere ishq ch main

Ho gayi aan kamli haye

Main toh yoon khada kis

Soch mein pada tha

Kaise jee raha tha main deewana

All these years...I had wondered why my life felt so empty and here she was the reason...ever since we stopped being friends.. there was a constant emptiness and with her back ...it had disappeared...but I wanted more...much more...

...

Chupke se aake tune

Dil mein sama ke tune

Chhed diya kaisa ye fasana

I tried my best to keep driving...I could feel his eyes on me and this song was making things worse... more butterflies had escaped...the dress...the lunches.. the apologies... the last few weeks swirled around my head...and I didn't know what was worse..not having him around..or having him and yet wanting more...

Oh muskurana bhi tujhi se sikha hai

Dil lagane ka tu hi tareeka hai

Aitbaar bhi tujhi se hota hai

Aaun na hosh mein main kabhi

Bahon mein hai teri zindagi haaye

I remembered our awkward hugs...our awkward chats...and my constant aches...and how his presence put those aches to rest...put those worries to rest...

Sun mere humsafar

Kya tujhe itni si bhi khabar

Ki teri saanse chalti jidhar

Rahunga bas wahi umrr bhar

Rahunga bas wahi umrr bhar haaye

...

As the song ended...I stopped the play list and put some English songs and started work talk.. I am sure that could last us for few hours and it did...

"I can drive now...if you want you can sleep at the back"

"No no...I am fine...

"No seriously...sleep for an hour.. we are till halfway...

I stopped the car and let her sleep on the back side...She was an expert in sleeping in cars... as she had number of times before...for the next few hours it was just me ...my thoughts and her face in my mirror...I realized I was forgetting the purpose of all this.. the purpose of all this was to heal her...was to bring back the bubbly super active excited friend back and not about me..and my feelings..I had done enough damage...and she slept...on...I did feel a bit content...content that we were finally on the road to old friendship... We had gone on number of road trips...campings ... but never alone...it was always a couple of friends...and one such memory floated to  my mind...and my guilt burned deeper.

...

" I came to this road trip only bcuz of you...I know.. how much you wanted this

I said annoyed after reading my girlfriends text...

Her face fell... "you didn't want to come on your own???..these days will always be remembered...I only wanted u to have good time

"Hey I am not saying I didn't want to but you know na...my girlfriend..created a big fuss... and because of her parents...

My voice drained as she got up and walked away...sending a text later...

"well...u are free to leave...I don't want to be creating any problems in your relationship..."

And I left because I had already received a very annoying message...from my girlf friend...

One of my friends stopped me saying she will feel bad...but I left...

...

As this memory revived...I looked at her sleeping face... how much could you forgive and forget...I remember saying to myself how she will understand... and honestly not caring and here I was caring every bit...but was that enough?

...

I woke up after almost 2 hours... we had stopped at a petrol station.. I started getting out of the car when he stopped me... "listen it is late.. if you need something tell me...

I said I needed to go to the washroom...

"oh okay I will accompany you till there

It was evening already and I followed his order...

As I got out of the car... he held my hand...I looked around...there were mostly men and as we walked...his grip was tighter.. "relax...

"yeah yeah...just taking precautions..

I went inside as he let go off me...

As I came outside...without delay he held my hand again...he had never done this before...even though we had gone to so many trips...another change...another attempt...another flutter...

As we walked...towards the car...

He almost whispered to my ears.. "I am sorry for ditching you when we went to our last camping trip

I was shocked...how did he remember...

I looked at him as he let go off me...was this guilt making him do all these good sweet things or did he need me genuinely as a friend?

The butterflies...fluttered...but so did the ache...I didn't know and yet my heart wanted to believe he wanted me...like always believing the best of him...

That day when he had ditched me...I justified it by convincing myself that our friendship was so mature that these things didn't matter much..and yet here I was glad..to hear the sorry...

...

She deserved the sorry...she deserved the protective treatment...I wasn't doing this out of guilt even though the guilt burned deep in my soul.. but what I felt deeper was the care ... the love.. I had all this while been too afraid to show...and even when I had not shown ..she had stood like a rock with me...she deserved the friend she always thought I was..

...

Please like if you want to be Pmed

next part up this week.

Love u all

please do comment! means a lot

griffy

PART 22