MIRAGE...thread 23...II's thoughts about her job and babies...very introspective, honest II ...Ranjan asks her for grandchild suspecting the marriage is not for real.
For unwilling to marry a US based groom, for not taking her music career seriously,
for not applying to other jobs within KMPG, for not applying to jobs outside of KMPG
She had used her career for everything, relevant to mundane... her career and its demands were a good crutch
Her hopes for climbing the ladder wasmore tempting than anything she had ever known
Nothing was static in an organization, change is the biggest constant, she knew that yet was jolted by Bally's departure from her inner circle
Gurtej's move... it was not the same any more
She was entrusted with the task of selling a product nobody backed.
Yet she hoped it was going to be her ticket to professional growth
Amma went in as a teacher and was going to retire a teacher, she wasnt going to be a Principal
Appa, despite working 80 hour weeks some weeks will never retire a Secretary or get any fancy honorary assignments after retirement "Member Economic Research Council"
"Advisor-FICCI" "Consultant-Export Advisory Board"... mmm... mm
They all in a round about sort of way expected her to fulfil their unrealized dreams...
Slowing down right now and choosing to have a baby in the middle of the worst product launches in KMPG history would effectively nail any hopes she had.
She knew of 26 year old females in IT that were Directors, 28 year old females in Banking that were VPs... with three professional degrees she languished in a job where the waters ran above her headCry
Amma would always say "Getting the right job is like finding the right spouse" "a miracle" "Iraivan varan" (God's gift)
Some get it...most dont...
She felt a lump form in her throat
She loved Ranjan as much as she loved Appa
He loved her unconditionally
He didnt judge her
He didnt look down on her status or her lack of wealth
There were times when she hated Rakshasan but there wasnt a time when she hated Ranjan
He suspected her marriage was not real? And in order to
prove it was real she was going to have a baby. Her professional dreams were never within her reach, she deluded herself
into believing that they were and hence postponed shot down, nuked every baby idea.
When Akka had Shravu, she was too grossed out by the baby making process to ever be tempted by it. Shravu 6 month plus was a rockstar!!!
From that moment on she loved everything about the kid
She still didnt care for a breast milk smelling, loopy, crying Akka... she thought the whole process was weird, she didnt love anybody to undergo the torture of bringing a tyke into the world
She would play for 4-6 8 hours and send Akka and the tyke packing
Now she just sent Akka packing, and kept the tyke
He was her best friend, in crime and liesure.
When she was with Shravu she didnt worry about her career or promotions r imagined herself bossing 100 people around, travelling first class to the US, buying an apartment in Hiranandani
It didnt matter when she was with Shravu
Watching Akka go through her second pregnancy raised her fears, now that she knew about the birds and bees... she worried for Akka and the wonderment of HOW MUCH she must love another life to risk HER OWN?Clap
And then Subbu's comment "What if our child happens to be like Periappa?Cry"
"Does Akka fear that?" she had never asked
Hmm...
She teared up when she thought of Periappa being feared "How sad!!" "To think of him as a person that needs to be feared"Cry
In his being different he had taught her how to love unconditionally
If her own child was like Periappa would she hate her? or him?
"NOOO" she said aloudEmbarrassedClap
A helpless creature spending his/her entire life unable to express themselves
I cant possibly hate that childCry
Why was life so goddamn complicated?Cry
It was all Rakshasan's fault!!!ROFL
He entered and completely ruined it allClap
And of course the adorable Lasya... the lil blob of fat... those four grainy teeth and that flat nosed smile... those drooly chubby armsEmbarrassed
Watching Sam and Akka being pregnant... how much cared for Sam was.
Pregnancy seemed sexy and feminineBlushing... Sam would tease her, so would Akka
Her husband continue to torment her... not letting her get off the bedClap
Athimber adamant about not letting Akka quit her job came to mind
"ayyo" she whispered in agony... grieving for AkkaCry
Akka certainly deserved someone like R&B... not her
How would I return to the workforce?
'Choosing to work fewer hours for the first year and then gently soaking her feet again??... re learning??
Women executives did it world over... she was nowhere near in comparison... she only had dreams, they achieved it all.
She gently wiped her tears... she didnt have anything really. She guarded the fantasy like it were real, she could touch feel and live it in her vision. It didnt exist for real.Cry
She didnt have a real career... it was stuck on a spot the last three years. She was fearing giving up something she really didnt have in the first place.
The thought that it may only exist in her imagination or the fact that it may be unattainable... not sure which... or both... brought more tears.
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