'Maybe it's not always about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better'
'Sajna aa bhi ja sajna aa bhi ja. Nai lagda tere bina dil mera'
One problem after the other and there seemed no end to it - Ragini was left in turmoil. And her marriage with Nachiket just added up to her issues in life. Her break up with him had to be hardest and saddest phase of her life. When he had left her, she was a broken woman shattered by the man she had loved more than anything and anyone in the whole wide world. Not knowing how and where to start her life all over again, she was just a soulless body. It hadn't been easy for her at all, to get back on track. Being a divorcee, she had the responsibility of four other people and there was no way she could let them suffer because of her own grief. She fought against all odds to give her family a respectable name in society, because she had seen the dirty side of it. Throughout the years, she had fought to give her family the happiness they deserved, especially for her children. It was a tough journey but she never gave up. She had managed quite well and was satisfied. However, it seemed like happiness was never meant to be a long term feeling for her. Ragini was not much in favor of Nishi's marriage but only for the sake of her daughter's happiness she gave it the green light. Right from day one, she had been praying that Nishi's marriage would be successful. The last thing a mother wants is to see her kids in pain. Little did she know that her daughter was destined to go through unhappiness but Ragini had never ever thought that she would be blamed for it. She had always thought Nishi was her little princess, but her daughter proved her wrong by accusing her of taking away her happiness. Ragini was not shattered then nor broken; she was just nothing. In her own eyes she had become a big failure; a good for nothing mother. And how could she even be one when Nishi was always his little princess and not hers. After all the struggles of those years, for the very first time that night she had missed him. She missed his eyes which always conveyed a silent message; she missed his voice whispering that it will be fine. She missed his lips which would sooth her entire body. She missed his strong arms which would hold her in his embrace and wherein her worries would go. Nothing of that was left and it was during moments like this that she missed him the most...
She had been through a lot of hurdles, but her marriage with Nachiket had to be the most shocking till now. She wasn't able to understand what kind of game fate was playing with her. One part of her had wanted this; how many times had she tried to contact him. Just to hear his voice, to make sure he is doing fine...without her. But the moment she would pick up the phone, her anger would overtake. He was the one that had hurt her even though after vowing not ever to do so. He was the reason for her tears and he had let her go without fighting a second for her. But was it really entirely his fault? If yes, then why had she this guilt feeling ever since they had separated? Had she judged him too easily? Was she not able to see the bigger picture? Many times she had asked herself these questions and every time there would be no answers. It was as if she was hanging in the middle; there was no way to go left or right. But somehow she would end up blaming them both; him for not giving her that one explanation and herself for...she didn't even know that, but still would blame herself for it too.
'Bindiya mehndi kangna, Chudi jhumar gehna,
Pyase pyase naina, Sune pade tere bina'
Ragini was standing on the balcony, staring at the sky and the moon. She looked down at her hands; her mehendi shining bright by the moonlight. She brought her hands close and looked at the design; she still remembered those four years of togetherness. Nachiket had changed so much from the image she used to have of him. His flirty nature was now only meant for her. Yes, even as a married man he could still flirt with her in a way which would make her go all red of shyness. He had this different kind of love in him which would overwhelm her every single time. He made her feel alive, he made her feel worthy for someone. And she did her best to give that love back to him; she loved to dress up with nice matching bangles to go with her saree, her payal (he just loved the sound of it) and her hair open. He didn't like her to see with a bun, it made her look old he had said once. Only if he knew that in the years after she would carry that old look' every single day. Reminiscing those gold memories made her still blush but not for long though, a tear fell down from her left eye right in the palm of her hand. The touch of the cold drop brought her back to reality. She looked at her hands where the tear had dropped; it was right on the spot where the N' was designed.
Dressing up was merely a memory now. It wasn't because she didn't know how to but for who? The feeling she would get from his one gaze was enough for her to go weak in the knees. And now, only the mere look at those bangles would bring tears in her eyes and nobody to wipe it away. Yes, she was a strong independent woman now, but at the end of the day, even she is just a human. Just because she didn't emote, doesn't mean she has no feelings. Just because she doesn't show her tears, doesn't mean her eyes don't get wet. Just because she tries to smile all the time, doesn't mean there is no sadness.
She let out a deep sigh. She was married to the same man, again. Her system was still not able to accept this fact. This was not a dream nor was it a nightmare. Then what was it exactly? Ragini was unable to understand what this marriage meant for them. The way she had woken up and had found herself cuddling him had shocked her. At first she thought that maybe he had pulled her over, but something inside her said that Nachiket wouldn't do something like that. Not without her consent though. Then...was it her? Was she still able to cross that distance and bring herself close to him? She never knew she still had that urge to do, but it seemed like her true feelings for him were coming alive all over again...
'Palko pe khwab sajna. Aankhiyo se neend churana,
Roothe piya ko haske mana na'
Often she would think how she had actually managed to come this far without him. At first it seemed as if life had stopped for her but soon she realized that she had no choice but to move on. Yes she was angry at him but more disappointed in them; they couldn't let their relationship stand for too long and that had shocked her. All the years they had built collapsed in just one night. At that point it really looked like as if like had taken away all the colors from her life. Time would fly easily during the day, but the nights were the toughest. Many times she tried to divert her mind by reading a book, doing some work at night, watching a movie even though she wasn't much of a movie watcher but she tried every possible thing to keep herself away from him but the moment she would close the door of her bedroom, she would became a different woman. She wouldn't be Ragini the mother or the daughter, but his Ragini. This was the only time she would allow herself to cry it all out. No fake smiles, no fear of hurting people, just she and his memories. She couldn't exactly remember when she had slept peacefully. Often her sleep would get disturbed by the feel of his presence. She had dreamed about him a lot; how he would kiss her forehead after she had dozed off before he could even lie in bed, how he used to take care of her when she would fall sick, and of course, how they would cuddle the night away after making love.
She needed him to be at home waiting for her after a long day of work, she wanted him next to her in bed on a lazy Sunday morning, she wanted him to make the kids understand whenever they wouldn't listen to her, she wanted to see him spending time with Nani, she wanted to take away his stress after a surgery, she wanted him for her own selfish reason. He was the only one she had given permission to touch her, and he could do that in such a way and on such spots which were even unknown to her...
'Ye haqiqat hai ya ke fasana,
Sajna Aa Bhi Jaa Sajna Aa Bhi Jaa'
After some time, Ragini started to feel cold and decided to return to her bedroom. Even though this bedroom had been hers only in all those years, she carefully opened it trying not to make a sound, in case he would wake up as if he had been here for years. She tip toed but stood still when she saw him sleeping; how amazingly handsome he looked in the white kurta. He was sleeping so peacefully and she loved to see her Nachiket like that. Did she just call him her Nachiket? Ragini was taken aback by her own thoughts. It had only been one week of their marriage and she already called him hers yet it did not sound strange In fact, it gave her a familiar feeling with she had buried deep down in her heart. Automatically, her hand reached out to run her fingers through his hair. He loved it back then but would he still like it? Not wanting to take the risk, she pulled back her hand and walked quietly to her side of the bed. She saw him moving his hand a bit, touching the empty spot next to him; he frowned and groaned a little bit. Ragini understood from his expressions and body language that he had sensed she wasn't in his arms anymore. She slid herself back into the same position as she had left; his arm around her waist and her hand on his chest. She was not sure if this was right but why didn't it feel wrong either? Was there still a chance to work on that future together they both had promised years ago? She wanted to give her thoughts the benefit of a doubt but she feared for him. What if he doesn't see his future with her anymore? What if he shatters her again? She wouldn't be able to take it this time. Ragini's biggest worries and fears were running through her mind when she felt his hand around her waist pulling her even closer to him. He let out a sigh in his sleep and she could feel his heart beating in a peaceful rhythm. Ragini tilted her head and looked at him; without any hesitation she caressed his cheek and put her head back on his chest. As if Nachiket knew what she was doing, he planted a light kiss on her forehead. She got her answer. It won't be easy for her, but she was ready to walk with him on this fragile path. Fate has brought them back together and she was ready to give it one more chance. For many years she was thinking with her head, but it was time now to live with her heart; she was still too much in love with this man and his kiss told her, this time, it will be worth it...
The end
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