'Dor' - widow emancipation

I just finished watching the movie 'dor' and frankly, I was blown away.

But discussing the film is not my intention. That belongs to the Films and reviews sec. Though I would like to say it's a MUST MUST watch film. In this movie, in a rural village of Rajasthan, a young girl bride Meera is widowed and she starts living a vegetable existance. In comes Zeenat with her convictions to stand apart and live life on her own terms, and fight for her love and do things even men might not have the courage to do ( kind of reminds you of Roza in that early 90s Mani Ratnam hit),without actually breaking any traditions. It's a tale of a young widow emancipation to life........

My concern is, we see so many of us bound in customs and traditions that even our grandmothers do not know how they originated. In this film, there is a startling dialougue by the grandmother in law of this young widow, who used to be very mean to her when her grandchild was alive and yet turned soft when he died. When asked by Meera why she was so mean, the old woman candidly and sadly replied that she was jealous. She could not stand their intimacy because she did not get it.

Often these blind customs and traditions which are especially binding on woman in all races are enforced by the woman rather than the men, though initially the laws did get laid by them. So what are the reasons that it's the woman themselves who force these lopsided and cruel cultures on other women.

Your views please.

Note: Please keep specific religions out of the topic. It's a cultural debate, and though religion plays a dominant part, please do keep in mind that discussing these is not a means to bash another religion nor it is wise to take offense at every little thing. Thanks.

Great topic Minnie. I believe that women often are harsher on women for 3 reasons

a) as in the movie they are jealous and bitter. They themselves have suffered through this and dont understand why this johnny come lately cant put up with it as they have I like it to ragging in college or the resident culture for doctors.

b) They dont know any better. This is how they have been brought up and this all they know and they feel that one must live with it. You know what they say an known devil is better than an unknown angel

c) They were once young themselves and they knoew how tough it is to break they mould and they might themselves have tried and failed therefore they want quote unquote knock some snese into this young navie girl.

I hope I have made sense of what I was trying to say.

Good question Minnie... Hmmm have been trying to figure it out myself all my life. My mum worships my brother more then us 3 sisters.. Even when he has wronged ( I sound like a whining teenager but I am not)she cannot say anything bad about him. Why , I have no idea.. May be some one will shed light onto this disparity that exists in our culture.

My take on this :

Some of the traditions have stemmed from very real feelings and emotions...

the animosity between a MIL and daughter in law for example...it is natural to some extent...

we can have a civil relationship in such cases when we dont let these emotions take over and learn to control them and live with them...and a lot of that control comes from education and awareness of the realtionships around you..

Women education is a must and can see the end of some very reduntant traditions in our society...it can also save some of the valuable traditions which are so precious !

Originally posted by: shikara

Great topic Minnie. I believe that women often are harsher on women for 3 reasons

a) as in the movie they are jealous and bitter. They themselves have suffered through this and dont understand why this johnny come lately cant put up with it as they have I like it to ragging in college or the resident culture for doctors.

b) They dont know any better. This is how they have been brought up and this all they know and they feel that one must live with it. You know what they say an known devil is better than an unknown angel

c) They were once young themselves and they knoew how tough it is to break they mould and they might themselves have tried and failed therefore they want quote unquote knock some snese into this young navie girl.

I hope I have made sense of what I was trying to say.

I agree with you Shikara.

Great topic Minnie. I think lack of education in small towns and villages is the major reason that young widows are still treated so badly in some countries. All Mother In laws are not the same. I was really young when my husband passed away but my mother in law and my sister in laws never put me down and never let public put me down for this single reason that I am a widow. I finished my education after my husband passed away. My family helped me a lot to raise three little kids. Loosing a partner is out of woman's contol and woman should not be blamed for anything.
Amitabh Bachchan's up coming movie BABUL is also based on a young widow whose father in law help her to find another partner for her. I think we all should change our elders' different opinion on this issue and help single woman or single mothers' to move ahead in their lives. We must get out of our LIMITED OLD TRADITION, : "Woman should only wear white clothes etc." I think single woman herself should decide what she wants to wear and what she wants to do with rest of her life. If she want to re marry, its her decision, if she wants to stay on her own, its still should be her own decision and parents and in laws should support her in her decisions.

Good topic, Minnie. I watched the movie in the weekend. Ayesha Takia did excellent job.

Yes you are very right, it's woman who tries to pull back other woman. Men have the authority to set rules, women make sure that the rules are being followed. Like I said in another thread, what a mother-in-law never enjoyed how can she whole-heartedly let her daughter-in-law enjoy. Whereas in every home if a woman stands for another woman's right things can change, influencing the male. Thus the picture can start to change in the society.

This practice is very much predominant in the rural areas. In cities things are changing for good. I have seen widows dress in colourful sarees and get re-married.

Originally posted by: shikara

Great topic Minnie. I believe that women often are harsher on women for 3 reasons

a) as in the movie they are jealous and bitter. They themselves have suffered through this and dont understand why this johnny come lately cant put up with it as they have I like it to ragging in college or the resident culture for doctors.

b) They dont know any better. This is how they have been brought up and this all they know and they feel that one must live with it. You know what they say an known devil is better than an unknown angel

c) They were once young themselves and they knoew how tough it is to break they mould and they might themselves have tried and failed therefore they want quote unquote knock some snese into this young navie girl.

I hope I have made sense of what I was trying to say.

Excellent points 👏

Originally posted by: NKSUDHIR

Great topic Minnie. I think lack of education in small towns and villages is the major reason that young widows are still treated so badly in some countries. All Mother In laws are not the same. I was really young when my husband passed away but my mother in law and my sister in laws never put me down and never let public put me down for this single reason that I am a widow. I finished my education after my husband passed away. My family helped me a lot to raise three little kids. Loosing a partner is out of woman's contol and woman should not be blamed for anything.
Amitabh Bachchan's up coming movie BABUL is also based on a young widow whose father in law help her to find another partner for her. I think we all should change our elders' different opinion on this issue and help single woman or single mothers' to move ahead in their lives. We must get out of our LIMITED OLD TRADITION, : "Woman should only wear white clothes etc." I think single woman herself should decide what she wants to wear and what she wants to do with rest of her life. If she want to re marry, its her decision, if she wants to stay on her own, its still should be her own decision and parents and in laws should support her in her decisions.

That is such a heartwarming thing to know. This I think is the greatest example of how women can actually help women to come out of the bonds. Even in the movie, its two women who together help liberate the young child woman.

Originally posted by: Pradarshak

Good topic, Minnie. I watched the movie in the weekend. Ayesha Takia did excellent job.

Yes you are very right, it's woman who tries to pull back other woman. Men have the authority to set rules, women make sure that the rules are being followed. Like I said in another thread, what a mother-in-law never enjoyed how can she whole-heartedly let her daughter-in-law enjoy. Whereas in every home if a woman stands for another woman's right things can change, influencing the male. Thus the picture can start to change in the society.

This practice is very much predominant in the rural areas. In cities things are changing for good. I have seen widows dress in colourful sarees and get re-married.

Very true. But it's not only the widowhood that I was talking about.

It's all pervasive in many aspects of a close knit society. Let me give you some examples:

a) The daughter coming home late from something as innocent as a tution class or a dance class. It's the neighbourly Mrs Sharma who is forever standing at the window clocking the time of departure and the arrival of the poor girl who is unknown to herself is going to be the fodder for gossip and speculation in the neighbourhood.

b) The daughter in law trying to settle down in her new home and the resident female of the house commenting ' tumhare maa baap ne tumhe kya yahi siksha di hai' because she got up a little late for making the morning tea courtesy her new husband.

c) At a function the women commenting on a young bride of the house how she lazes around whole day only because the poor girl has a habit of taking an afternoon nap....

d) The daughter can wear whatever she wishes, but the DIL will not wear salwar/sari/ghaghra depending upon which part of the country you are from.

e) The mother indulging her 16 year old and her friends commenting on how she is spoiling her life by not teaching her housework. (I don't have anything against kids learning housework btw, I am already training my kids to do chores and both are boys 😆).

f) The son of the house gets petted and forgiven for the very things the girl child gets severely punished, and that too in homes where both parents might be highly educated ( I actually know a scientist and his CA wife do that.....😕).

I can go on and on. And here we are not even talking about terrible customs which forces women to wear white or hide themselves behind layers of clothes or always be at the mercy of the male member of the house.......and I find it's women who are doing this more than the men themselves. In fact most of the men do it only when it's a public issue or some kind of political or religious gain is involved.

Great examples Minnie. Totally agree.

Nice discussion, Minnie. Yes, woman is being picked on little things where men or boys are totally being ignored. There is still a GAP but it can never be ended but it can be narrowed with good sanskaars from parents and grand parents. I do stop my biys to go out late night but it so natural that I am more protective for my daughter because somewhere down the road if anything goes wrong in BoyFriend/Girlfriend relationship, its a woman who suffers more than a man. At young age, if kids make any innocent mistake and later on it cannot be corrected, its girl who suffers more than a guy because its girl who gets pragnant and suffer physical and emotional torture.
I strongly recommend that we should eliminate the gap between boy/girl or son/daughter and try to make them good citizens.