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Dedicated to Moony (her wacky post made this possible)
and Rae (this is a gift for her to help her survive her exams)
Enjoy.
The bold parts are lyrics to a song that inspired me while writing this, that's where the title comes from.
A VIDARTH OS : Never Surrender.
Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Sitting on his bed, clutching his head. "Kyun? Mein Randhir ko bol rahan hun ki don't force your help on Sanyukta aur mein khud...Par mein toh sirf..." he gritted his teeth as he punched his fist into the dry wall for the...Well he had lost count.
He had also lost count of how long he had been awake, looking blankly at the darkness, thinking only of one and one thing alone...Vidushi.
He'd sworn he'd never let her take over his mind and soul.
Funny how his words had come to bite him in the ass later.
And right now, he couldn't close his eyes.
Not without seeing her behind his lids like a ghost that was haunting his very existence.
She had snaked her way, slowly and steadily into his...
"No way" he shook his head and banished the word he had been thinking of.
He couldn't...He couldn't really?
Frustrated, he pulled the blanket over his head. The air was cold.
Yet an uncannily warm feeling had nothing to do with the blanket.
A feeling that had everything to do with her.
Her name had engraved it self on his lips like her image was behind his eyelids.
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
But Parth Kashyup wasn't the only one who was sleepless in FITE.
There was one more person ,who was curled up in her bed in a fetal position, her hair wild and uncombed, lying on the pillow, resembling the mess she had become. Her head was pounding like someone had hit her with a hammer and her eyes had become a tap of running tears.
Sleep, the thing she loved the most because it made everything vanish...Sleep had tossed her to her cruel fate too, and there was no escape.
Varun's call, the very sound of his once honeyed, now poison voice was assaulting her ears and her mind repeatedly, over and over, the finest kind of torture.
Who didn't need your help to get by?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?
Parth sighed.
Why didn't she get it?
She was not a genius but she was not a fool either was she?
He was starting to doubt it.
She kept bottling up her feelings, never baring her mind, never telling anyone what she really felt. That made her a freaking ticking time bomb, lethal and explosive. Rub her the wrong way and she would blow up in your face.
Just like he did when his own Chi was out of alignment.
He vividly remembered the things that had happened not so long ago
Punching Randhir till they were bloody, Randhir's face and his fist.
Pushing Sanyukta away harshly, making her almost crash to the ground.
Grabbing Vidushi's jaw tightly and throwing her into a wall.
Suppressed emotions had made him perpetually violent.
And she was the same.
He used Physical force to get the upper hand.
She used words.
Vicious, vile acid coated words that burnt holes in the receiver's gut.
He knew how she felt, having to hold it all in within herself like a deadly thing, a monster brewing inside her ribcage, clawing at her to get out and wreck havoc on her world. He could feel her pain and that was why he was offering his help.
Or so he was trying, trying so hard to convince himself.
Yes, he knew what she was feeling like, locked in an unbreakable cage, waiting to be rescued. He was just trying to help because he knew how she felt.
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
She sat up, softly panting, arms around her knees, protecting herself from the monsters in the dark and the voices in her head.
Her Parents voices, telling her she was no daughter of theirs.
Her ex-in laws voices, telling her she was a waste of space.
But most of all, Varun's.
And Parth's.
Fighting for dominance.
Past and what she wanted to be her future.
She gasped softly as the tears ran down her cheeks, one managing to slide into her half open mouth. Salt seemed to fill her mouth.
Salt and Sorrow went well together.
She shook her head at her own thoughts and took a breath and looked around.
Darkness covering her like a comfortable blanket.
Comfort, help all lies.
Men lie. Men cheat. Men break promises and men break hearts.
She wished she had never known him.
Which him?
That was the question and the worst Part was that she wasn't sure which man she wanted wiped from her memories.
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Parth Parth Parth
The.boy.with.a.smile. sweeter.than.chocolate.
the.boy.who. used. to.light .up. her .world.
He used to enable her to get her mind off everything.
And now, not even looking at the sneakily clicked pictures of him distracted her.
She had ogled his handsome face, his kindness for hours together.
Now that kindness was in her face,offering help.
She didn't the pity, the charity.
She didn't want him to go "Poor Vidushi"
She just wanted him to love her.
But love.
Love was a fickle, fickle thing.
Slipped right out of her desperate fingers.
She fell back to her pillow with a dull thud and closed her eyes.
Darkness, her dear friend , greeted her and she drifted into a world better than her own bitter reality.
Dreams.
Stay with me here now
And never surrender
Parth entered the lab for PKC's practical and his eyes immediately caught her.
Standing, alone near a table piled with machines.
He looked around and saw everyone was working in pairs.
He walked upto her.
"Hey, everyone is already paired up. Can I?"
She looked up at him, her face half covered with her bangs and nodded.
A brisk, easily miss able nod.
"Thanks." he dumped his bag on the table.
She jumped at the thud sound.
"Vidushi..." he had opened his mouth.
"None of your concern" she hissed under her breath.
Parth sighed.
She was succumbing to the anger again.
Do you now what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Vidushi kept her eyes on the machines.
At least the machines couldn't break her fractured heart.
The man next to her could.
His concern only made her heart break even more.
Because he was probably doing it out of his humane nature.
Nothing else.
She sighed and wiped her greasy hands on her handkerchief.
She had told him she'd never change, but the truth was she wished she could be that girl.
She hated the part of her that wanted to be Parth's girl.
A girl he could love.
Instead, she was the pity project with a mysterious tragic past.
Some silly soap opera character.
Not her ideal self.
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?
They worked in silence for the next half hour.
Parth watched her from the corner of his eye.
She looked so broken.
He didn't like it.
He had to fix it.
He wanted her smirk, her flirting, her shameless smile.
Not his shadow she had become.
And that was where he realized it.
He wanted her.
He wanted her to face her past as held her hand.
He wanted her happy.
And you want her as yours' the smug voice in his head added
He shook his head.
Admit it, you can't her off your mind. She fits in there like a missing jigsaw piece' the voice sniggered Get over your charity ass Parth. You had Arpita. Vidushi had Varun too. But face it, they are just memories holding you back. If you want her to move on you need to do the same yourself'
He hated the voice.
Because it was right.
He was a hypocrite and he had to fix it before he tried to fix anyone else.
Lest of all Vidushi.
Do you know what it's like to wanna surrender?
As usual, Sanyukta and Randhir were the first to finish and the first to leave. And the others followed, leaving only Vidushi and her...partner alone in the lab. They had just 10 more minutes to finish this practical or else they would have a red mark in their records. And Sanyukta would have a flawless life as usual, being the fastest to solve the practical.
Vidushi sighed.
Lucky witch.
She has a boyfriend who loves her.
All Vidushi had was Parth dangling his sugarcoated moral support in front of her.
A horrible feeling gripped her insides.
She pushed it away just like she had all this time.
I.want.I.want.I.want
With another pang she realized she wanted nothing more than to sob her heart out and have him hold her.
Give in to him and have him care.
She wanted impossible things.
"Vidushi..." his voice was determined.
She looked into anger filled, stone cold eyes.
"What do you want huh?" she spat, pressing down the urge to throw herself into his arms and let it go.
His eyes darkened a shade.
His hands, clean of grease grabbed her by her shoulders and pulled her into him.Hard.
A whimper escaped her mouth and she glared at him, hiding her shock and the butterflies assaulting insides.
Make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
Put me back together.
She composed herself into the bitch role.
"What the hell are you doing Parth? Let me go at once"
Parth only pulled her closer, his arms wrapping around her waist.
"Shh...Let me hold you." Parth whispered in her ear.
"What the..." her words drowned in her throat as Parth kissed her ear.
"Fix me." he whispered, his hot breath fanning her neck.
"What..." Vidushi stumbled over her words "is wrong with you?"
"Everything. I'm a stupid boy, a stupid silly broken boy who thinks he can fix everything with advice." Parth confessed, his hands now gently cupping her face as he looked into her confused doe eyes.
"So?" she raised an eyebrow.
"I know I was offering you my help...well truth is I need your help." Parth ran his fingers through her hair.
He liked it.
He did it again
And again.
"Stop playing with my hair." Vidushi snapped.
"Stop playing with my head" Parth growled.
"What the hell do you mean?" Vidushi's eyes narrowed at the accusation.
"What do you think Vidu?" Parth smirked.
"Don't call me Vidu. Don't speak in riddles." Vidushi tried to push him away.
"Don't. Don't push me away." Parth's arrogance melted away and there he was, the sweet sweet boy she had fallen for.
"Just let go of me." Vidushi's voice was chocked.
"No. You won't let go. You have taken over me. You are all I can think of" Parth pulled her closer.
"It's just talk. You are saying this because you want me to talk" Vidushi rolled her eyes.
"Fine. Don't talk. Don't tell me anything." Parth said softly. "Don't talk till you yourself want to.Maybe you don't want to talk ever. Fine with me. But I can't see you look like a broken doll. It is like a kick to the gut. A hard kick to my f**king gut."
Vidushi scoffed "You want me to fake a happy all izz well smile?" she demanded.
"No." Parth ran his hand through her hair again. "I want to make you smile. A real genuine smile."
Put me back together,
Vidushi blinked at him in confusion.
"Trying to fix you is not the answer. I know. But can we try to fix this mess of a relationship we have?" Parth smiled
Never surrender,
"What relationship? You hate me" Vidushi whispered, looking into his eyes.
"No...maybe...I do hate you..you know why? Because you make me crazy. You haunt my mind. More than Arpita. It's you who I think of. I hate you because I want you. But I want you more than I hate you." Parth hissed.
"So? How is that supposed to make me feel?" Vidushi raised an eyebrow
Make me feel better.
You make me feel better,
"Kind" Parth replied.
"Kind?" Vidushi's face showcased her full blown confusion.
"Kind enough to trust me not to hurt you. Kind enough" Parth paused and bent on a knee "To give us a chance"
Vidushi's eyes went wide open. Her mouth feel open too.
"Whh..." she was incapable of words.
"I know you can't hold on to your past. I tried. It hurt me. It made me hurt you too." Parth sighed, remembering their disastrous date.
He cleared his throat which was chocking up
"Anyways, our pasts don't define us. So I will not nag you about it. But yes, if you are feeling down you can tell me. And I will be there. Yours. No conditions attached. Except one." Parth smirked. "I want to be your boyfriend. And this time, without an expiry date"
Stay with me here now,
And never surrender.
Vidushi's eyes narrowed "I am still not going to say a word about my past. If you want me without that..."
"I want you. I want you. All of you. Sarcastic, cute, taunting, stupid, adorable idiot. I love the fact that you make me feel alive." Parth nodded.
"No questions?" Vidushi bit her lip nervously
"No. But if you feel horrible you tell me Parth I'm feeling horrible' so I can
make you feel better. So we can take a breath. And not yell at each other or at other people. Fair?" Parth had a determined look on his face.
Vidushi stood silent, considering everything he had said.
He wanted her. Not because he pitied her. But because she made him feel alive.
Like he made her feel
"Vidushi...please...knees hurt" Parth's pained voice made her snap out of her thoughts.
"What if I say no?' She narrowed her eyes.
"I'd respect that." Parth looked into her eyes "Screw it. I'd follow you around and try to win you over just like you won me over."
Vidushi felt the corners of her mouth tilt upward.
"Woo me then." she winked at him.
"Please Vidushi, my knees really hurt." Parth gave her a puppy face.
"Aww, aren't you adorable?Should I say yes?" Vidushi teased him.
"Stop teasing, I'm serious. Knees hurt!" Parth gritted his teeth.
"You said you wanted the taunting idiot" Vidushi pouted.
"Listen woman..." Parth began only to find a hand over his mouth.
"I have a condition too. No more lectures. We have enough boring lectures in this college. Fair enough?" Vidushi whispered.
Completely taken aback, all Parth could manage was a nod.
"Good." Vidushi smirked as Parth got up from his position.
He towered over her by a good few inches and he smirked.
"Since I can't lecture, I might as well do something else with my mouth." Parth wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her to him.
She looked up, knowing what was to come.
"Kiss three of many to come darling" Parth winked.
He lowered his lips onto her willing ones.
Her arms went around his neck and her leg popped up like a perfect princess diaries kiss.
His lips, so gentle and loving, his tongue teasing her own.
Vidushi gave into the man she loved.
Parth gave himself another chance to love.
And he was glad he did.
He kissed her with all the passion he felt.
To his delight, she responded with equal fervour.
It was not perfect, it was perhaps never going to be.
But heck, he had her, she had him.
And that was all they wanted.
Epilogue.
So, did she finally tell him about her past or am I too lazy to write it down?
She would never tell him her past. (Never Surrender, remember?)
He would never ask her.
He would however, ensure Varun never called her with a simple conversation with the bas***d, telling the freak that Vidushi was taken.
He told Varun he was a possessive man who didn't want his girlfriend to keep contact with him.
Varun had backed off.
And he was never spoken of again.
What about Vidushi and Parth?
They learnt that tommorow cannot hold on to yesterday.
Parth stopped comparing Vidushi to Arpita, his present to his past and gave up trying to help every damsel/ dude in distress. He helped out yes, but he politely asked if the distressed person wanted it.
Vidushi stopped being jealous of Sanyukta. They are friends. No, they don't worship each other. Vidushi uses kinder words, often ignoring shit that bothers her. She still has a sense of humor that makes people laugh. She's headstrong and impatient but she's learning to be nicer.
But not a doormat. She cannot be that girl.
Parth is in love with this burdenless Vidushi. His Vidu.
He has said the three words to her so many times he has lost count. And he means it. Every single time.
Vidushi loves him, but she doesn't hesitate to point out his mistakes or stand up to him.
She loves hearing him say the words. She loves it even more because he means them.
They have little differences in opinion once a while.
But they talk about it. They try to learn from their mistakes.
How long has it been since they are together?
4 years.
And you know what?
They are visiting FITE for a small reunion.
Meeting old friends and hanging out at old addas.
But that's not all.
He is going to put a ring on it.
Her finger.
And she has no idea.
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