There will be no sleep tonight. I know that. As I part the curtains of my window and glance outside, I can see crowds of people shouting and celebrating the end of this year and the start of another. Another year has gone by and yet, Roshni's memories still haunt me like it were yesterday. New Year's does not mean anything to me. I have long forgotten the joys of counting down the last few seconds until the New Year and then shouting out Happy New Year to one and all, a wide grin pasted on my face. I thought I could move on when I finally hunted down Sikandar. I thought I could live again, guilt-free. I was wrong, as always. The pain still remained, somewhere inside me.
But then, I met her. She was like a breath of fresh air, strong, vibrant and full of life. Everything that I wasn't.
My friend and colleague, Sakshi.
I found myself getting carried away every time she was around me. I felt myself changing every time she looked at me. From being just another colleague, she began to carve out her own little space in my heart. And I don't know why but I started to confide in her. I know she understands me, like no one else does. I know she will listen to me when I need someone to speak to.
I pace around my room, restless. I want to talk to her. I want to blurt out to her how much I miss Roshni on this particular day, even though she knows already. I don't want to be alone tonight.
I hear a knock upon my door, and my eyes immediately fall upon the clock on my bedside table. Its hands show 11.45. Who is calling on me at this hour?
I open the door and stare into her beaming face outside. She is dressed like her usual self, clad in a white kurti and jeans, her usual mauve scarf wrapped around her neck.
"Hey!" she said in her jovial voice, smiling up at me.
"What are you doing here at this time?" I said.
"You seriously don't think you will spend the last few minutes of this year alone, do you?"
I shrugged and said, "It does not matter to me anymore, Sakshi."
She grabbed my hand from outside the door and started pulling me towards the lift.
"Sakshi!" I snapped at her, trying my best to shrug off her hand from mine.
She was always like this - unpredictable.
"ACP Arjun Rawte." She let go of my hand and stared back at me.
"Please, Sakshi. I want to be alone." I said, even though I badly wanted her company. I didn't think I could be the happy and cheerful company she would wish for at this moment. I didn't want her to spoil her New Year's because of me. I didn't want to rub that smile off her face. Because I have seen her face turning solemn every time I express my pain, my hurt to her. I know it hurts her within too, even if she doesn't show it. And I cannot see her getting hurt.
"I don't want anything from you, Arjun. No expectations, no obligations. I just want your company for a few minutes. I am your friend aren't I? Can you not do this for a friend?"
I wonder how she can answer my doubts when I don't ever voice them out aloud.
I find myself locking the door behind me and following her outside.
The entire world changes as I step outside. The cheerful sounds have grown louder and I want to shut them out. I want to shut out everything, even the memories I have. She beckons me towards my SUV and I raise my eyebrows at her, questioning, why my car?
"Unless you want to get an auto?" she says, suppressing a laugh.
She knows very well I will never get into an auto rickshaw. I open the doors for her and she steps in, a satisfied smile on her face. I wonder what she is up to.
"Stop! Stop!" She says, her face is gleaming with excitement.
I stare outside to see the beach which looks almost deserted at this hour. I stay put in the car as she hops out of the car and skips over to my side.
"Now since we are here, you might as well get out?" She grins back at me, her arms rested on the open window of my car.
She steps back as I open the car door and step out onto the beach.
I can hear the waves crashing against the shore, a sound which I had loved once upon a time. It all seems so alien to me. All those memories come flooding back - the moments with Roshni, our walks along the beach, her incessant laughter, her twinkling eyes.
I startle as Sakshi suddenly takes hold of my hand and starts to drag me towards the waves. I feel myself resisting her touch and yet, some part of me wants to hold on to the comforting feeling her fingers leave on my arm.
She probably senses my discomfort and releases my hand. Her voice is soft when she speaks, "Just for a few minutes, Arjun. Trust me."
When I don't answer, she continues, "Remove your shoes."
I blink back at her, not quite grasping what she said.
She laughs and repeats, "Yes. Take off your shoes. And socks."
I feel myself following her baseless orders and in a few seconds, I am standing barefoot on the dry sand. I see her removing her sandals as well and walking towards the waves.
The sea looks calm. The waves crash gently on to the beach, their white crests gleaming in the faint moonlight. And then, they retreat, taking everything back into the sea with them.
"What are you doing, Sakshi?" I shout at her. The sound of the waves almost drown out my voice.
She doesn't say anything but beckons me to come towards her.
And I walk. I stumble at times as I walk through the dry sand, my feet sinking in now and then. Broken bits of shell prick my bare feet, which I ignore.
She now starts walking towards me again, the waves crashing at her feet, drenching her jeans up to her knees. The wind plays with her hair and she tucks the loose strands away, repeatedly. Somehow the little form of her wading through the waves makes me want to smile. She looks like a little girl, jumping now and then, through the little waves which break at her feet.
When she reaches me, she takes hold of my arm again and this time I don't let go. This time, I let her walk me to the waves. My feet gradually step into the firm, wet sand, sending through a sudden burst of cool through me.
I look at her and find her gazing intently at me, as if my eyes tell her everything she ever wants to hear. Her hand reaches out slowly, touching my face, her soft fingers sliding over my eyes, closing them gently.
I hear her voice through the waves as she says, "Close your eyes Arjun. Feel the waves. Feel the moment. Forget everything. It is just you, and the sea."
Her fingers linger on my face for a moment, and it feels comforting, warm. I want to hold on to the moment, to the sudden surge of happiness I feel when her fingers rest against my face.
As the first wave breaks at my feet, the long lost calming sensation of the waves comes rushing back to me. I almost smile from the sudden coolness enveloping my feet.
When the wave retreats back into the sea, I feel the sand being sucked out from under my feet, throwing us both off balance. I open my eyes as she holds on to my arm to keep herself from falling down.
All other sounds have drowned out around me, just what I was wishing for, a moment ago. The only sound that reaches my ears is the sound of the waves crashing around us. Somehow, the waves have managed to wash away the painful memories, if only for that brief moment. My mind suddenly feels like a blank canvas and I am left staring into her smile. Her beautiful smile, which makes me want to forget everything else.
She glances at her wristwatch, which strikes midnight at the exact same moment.
And then she says, "Happy New Year, Arjun."
As the first fireworks burst into the sky, splattering it with a palette of colours, I find myself looking into her eyes again, which now reflects the changing colours of the sky - red, blue, green, silver. Suddenly everything feels right. The sea, the waves, the fireworks and ... her smile. I slowly take hold of her hand, sliding my fingers through hers and gripping them tight.
As the warmth of her soft fingers spreads through mine, I find myself saying, "Happy New Year, Sakshi."
And for the first time since I met Sakshi Anand, I smile.
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