GibberishNonsense| KiSha FF | Epilogue, Page29 - Page 18

19^th January

Oh finally. I'm finally able to write in my journal. Like I've been accustomed to; I think part of me was hyperventilating yesterday because I HAD no journal to freak out on and I had to make do with a piece of paper. No offence to the paper; it's just that writing in this journal gives me a sense of security.

Yes, you can say it again. I'm officially off my rocker. So, why am I so calm, you ask? No it's not because I've found inner peace. Actually, it's pretty close. I've come to realize that nothing can be planned. There are some instances where one must really go with their gut. I mean, gut feeling, because otherwise, it'd just be wrong. Anyway, I'm digressing.

I guess that habit's not going anywhere eh?

Anyway, I must really explain from the beginning. Otherwise, you're never going to know AGAIN what happened, and I know how I would feel if someone had left me out of the loop after having confided in me for each and every damn thing.

So well, here goes. After last night's panic mode, I had started coming up with various scenarios in my head. Like what would happen in what case. I had one scenario where KD would come up to me, in public, and sweep me off my feet and declare his undying love and devotion for me.

And then, I'd snorted. It wasn't attractive. The worst case scenario that I'd come up with was that he'd slam the journal in my hand and walk away like nothing had ever happened between us. Yeah, caused a terrible storm within me. What if that happens, what am I going to do? Would I still have to go with the kicking him where it hurts or man up and accept it ' WHAT!?

After finally having decided that whatever was going to happen, will. I mean, it could go down the Murphy law way or it could go down perfectly. I don't know and I wouldn't know until tomorrow.

I was finally happy with my epiphany and one thought strook me. Yes, strook is a word just like 'struck' is. It's the past tense of 'strike'. I think the word 'strook' is much better than 'struck ' and therefore, I always go with 'strook' and for those who don't get what it means or berate me for not knowing my grammar, I just impart upon them this enlightenment that I just imparted here. But that's like imparting it on my own self and that's stupid because I already know what it is all about.

I am SO silly.

Anyyyway. The thought that had strook me was that KD might me reading my journal RIGHT at this very minute.

Oh. My. God.

Would he think I'm a freak? YES. Definitely. Would he think I'm not good enough for him? Most probably. Those were the thoughts that had plagued me for about half an hour before I decided that I'm not a mind-reader; because that would be so creepy right? Anyway, I'm not a mind-reader and I wouldn't know what he would be thinking until tomorrow. When he would come up to me and tell me. But wait, what if he doesn't?

OHMYGOD. Another thought had strook me. What if, he scans the pages of the journal and puts them up online for everyone to read? That's it. I'll officially quit high school, because obviously, news like this doesn't take long to travel around everywhere in the world. Soon, I'll be a name that every household will know. And laugh at.

I think, I'll go and visit the Dalai Lama. Maybe he'll know something about inner peace. I'm obsessed, aren't I? Well, I don't care. It's something I may have to do anyway. I mean, after he posts everything online. I won't have any choice.

I'd most definitely decided that it was going to be some sort of a cheesed up plan for vengeance? Because really, it was a little pathetic. Oh dammit. It was perfect. I'd fallen into the whole trap thing, and I'd given him my blasted journal of all things.

I'd given up thinking after that. I know, who'd have thunk it? Yes, I realize the correct word is 'thought' but I like 'thunk' better and therefore, that's what I'm going to use. So there. Anyhow, after much exasperation, I'd fallen asleep.

Morning came, birds chirped, cars honked and I woke up. Seeing that I was still extremely miffed with my theories from last night, except the first one, I wasn't feeling like a ray of sunshine. But, I dressed up well. I mean, it's a school uniform, how can you dress well with that!? It's the same clothes as everyone else. Right? WROOONG. I dressed up as in, did my hair, a little make-up, you know? The works.

As I put on my bracelet, I fondly smiled at a memory. It'd been my favourite bracelet and that jerk of a Stoneface had broken it. I hated him so much! Yes, hated. Past tense. Life's such a funny thing, no? I mean, you hate someone, then you don't, then you do, then you don't'you get my drift.

Anyway, I didn't style my hair in curls like I normally do. I just dried them, and that's it. My hair's naturally wavy and I always thought it looked better this way, but thanks to having a pop star as a singer, I had to follow her lead. Well, guess what? Not anymore because I'd come to realize that people can really like me for what I am. I didn't have to live under a shadow anymore.

As soon as I was able to see the placard in front of the school that read 'Royal Academy' in bold letters, fear set in and I began to have a panic attack. Well, luckily for me, I'd always kept a spare paper bag in the car. I began to breathe into it furiously. So much that even my driver-uncle had to turn around and make sure that I was okay.

I really need that inner peace lecture RIGHT about now. Gradually, I made my way inside the school building and the first thing I did, was to make a beeline towards our classroom. No, not the normal classroom. 'Our' classroom; meaning, the one that KD and I seem to be so attached with.

Having peeped inside not having found anybody, I went inside and shut the door. All I could do now was waiting, and that was a bad idea. Why? Because waiting meant thinking and thinking could lead to all sorts of questions that I probably didn't want the answers to. I'd done enough of that last night and look at where those lead me. I sat myself down onto a tiny little bench and just as I'd done so, I felt the door opening. My first instinct was to hide out under the bench until whoever it was left but then it strook me that it might be KD! I started a mental prayer of: 'Please let it be KD', chanting it almost like a mantra. What the hell was wrong with me!?

And ta-da! Who says mantras don't work, huh? I walked up to him and could finally make something of his expression. No, actually, I could SEE his expression. It was blank. No signs of anything. He had my journal in his hands and it almost felt like no time had passed since I'd thrust the book in his hands. He was still staring at me with an identical 'clueless' kind of expression.

'Hey KD! What's up?'

Yes, that's what I said. I was so proud of myself. NOT.

I mean, who the hell says that!? Apparently, those were his thoughts exactly, since his blank expression changed into a look that said 'you're bonkers. How are you able to live so freely into civilized society?'

Oh believe me KD, you're not the only one who thinks that way; exhibit 'A', I'd have said and pointed at myself but since he wasn't asking, why would I do that? I'm a retard, but not that big of a retard. I know! It seems highly unlikely that I'm sane.

Anyway, after I was done talking to myself in my head, and staring at how good his arms looked, I finally regained some sense, took a deep breath and began talking again.

'KD, I know that by now, you've read my journal, and I want to tell you my side of things first. I mean, the things that you read were also my side, but that was the written word and I had thought that it would be better but I'm not sure and I know how much I suck at saying stuff out loud but I'm going to try anyway. So yes, I hated you and you hated me too, but then somehow, like you said before, I'd grown to like you along the way. This has been a definite realization because you're the only one who tolerates my incessant blabbering and ranting and I really want to be able to do that because it gives me a liberating sort of feeling and despite the fact that it may be a huge pain in the arse for some people like my ex-boyfriend, you never seem to tire from it. I mean, you patiently listen, well most of the time anyway' I added after recalling the incident from yesterday. He seemed to have done that too and he just chuckled.

'So KD, even before I knew what being with you will feel like, I was definitely not oblivious to your charms. I mean, give me some credit, I'm only a teenage girl with hormones'

At that point, his booming laugh rang out and I couldn't believe I'd said that. I decided to continue.

'Anyway, the point was that despite the fact that I was attracted to you, I didn't do anything about it because of your sunshine like personality. And that was sarcastic. You were nothing but an absolute jerk to me and I didn't like you at all for that. Obviously. We argued so much that I wondered when we'll ever stop and ever since you've started being all nice to me, I kind of miss our arguments. Yes, I know, I'm crazy, but I know you miss them too because they're the things that define us. You know? Make us who we are with respect to each other. You know, I knew you were capable of being nice. I saw you talking to that 3^rd grader the other day when he'd not done so well in his classes. You'd told him that it didn't matter and he would be defined by how he chose to get out of that funk. And I decided to go with that piece of advice. You were right. I don't want popularity and the hype. I'm my own person and I don't have to live under my sister's shadow all the time. But despite all this, I fought with you because you challenged me, because you made me feel like I don't have to think twice before voicing my opinion out; because you made me feel like I mattered.'

I had to stop for a breath there. There was only so much I could say before I needed the oxygen to keep me going. All this time, KD had just stood there, without saying a word. He'd just listened, like he always did. I kept thinking that I shouldn't have said too much but my mouth and my brain aren't the best of friends and obviously therefore I didn't shut up.

I finally heard him saying something and this is what he asked me: 'Do you remember what happened at the night of that party? The night when we first kissed?'

I had to shake my head and I hated the fact that a small blush had crept up to my cheeks. He smiled sadly and muttered a small 'thought so' before telling me that I'd ranted in a similar fashion that night. Drunkenly, might I add. Oh and according to him, I also said something about him being much more amazing that my boyfriend. Well, 'ex' boyfriend now. And I'd also told him that I'd fallen for him. And then he had kissed me for the first time ever, telling me that he knew that I was drunk that I probably wouldn't even remember any of this but whatever I'd ranted meant the world to him. And then what had happened? I'd denied all my feelings, tried to go back to Karan, avoided the 'L' word, and what did KD do? He made me realize how wonderful the kiss had felt and how we were so right together.

Well, I'll be damned.

Then suddenly, he started grinning and chuckling. Why, you may ask? Well, he'd remembered something. And when I asked him what that was, do you wanna know what he told me?

'You really like my kisses don't you?'

And then do you know what I did? I covered the distance between us and placed my lips on his; effectively shutting him up. And you know what else? Kissing him finally felt like I'd found my 'inner peace'.

-Kiya Gujral, the girl who's floating in la-la land.

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...to be continued (?)