Dear Kunj, oops sorry
Dear Rocky,
I regret to inform you that I will not be able to complete your contract. I am sorry.
But please, before you visit Mr. Yuvraj Luthra with the intent of lecturing him about the violation of the contract, I want to inform you that though I personally won't be able to finish your wedding event, my team will competently handle all the pending functions. So you have nothing to worry about.
I guess, I owe you an explanation, right? And even if I didn't, you would relentlessly pester me and my team about it. So I'll save you the trouble and state my excuse with in this letter. Are you ready for it? Because it's really long...
Well it's sensible to start at the very beginning, I suppose. I lost my husband, Kunj, five years ago in a battle of revenge waged by Mrs. Anita Luthra. It was a tough time for me. It was just a month and a half ago that we had confessed our love to each other. And then to have him snatched away from me so mercilessly was a big blow that I honestly haven't recovered from yet. I believed for the longest time that Kunj was alive and that he is just lost. He would return to me one day. I just had to wait for him until he does.
I was so lost in grief that I unintentionally risked losing my life on several occasions. Both our families, The Sarna's and the Taneja's were devastated. They had just lost their dear son and were on the verge of losing their daughter in law to her inconsolable grief. I must admit, the idea of following Kunj and giving up my life sounded really tempting.
But fate had other plans, and I found out I was soon to be a mother. A flicker of hope was lit in the dark corners of my heart. The baby-Kunj's baby-a permanent reminder of our unyielding love. Suddenly, I had a purpose to live. I wanted to live. I wanted to be a mother, a mother to Kunj's baby. I was happy.
My happiness however was the subject of other's worry. Society feared about my ability of raising a child as a single parent. I was relentlessly told to re-marry, so that the life of our unborn child wouldn't be as miserable. But how could I? I was, have and would always be faithful to Kunj. So I shunned their worry under the dusty carpet. I tried living in ignorance that I could and would raise our child alone, just like my mother, Leela Taneja had. But the society really can't mind their own business, can they? So when they couldn't convince me, they went to the higher authority-Bebe, mummyji and Ma. They had successfully sowed their seeds of doubt in our mother's mind. They had successfully reminded them that I was young, nave, and incapable of raising my own child without the help of a male counterpart.
So I was made to sit down and be convinced that I needed to re-marry, for the sake of the child. I felt violated, almost like a toy being handed down from one person to the next. For the first time I wished that I wasn't pregnant. And I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry and scream and yell at them for being this absurd. But I didn't-I couldn't. Kunj would want me to be strong. I had to be strong for the family, because their happiness was heavily relying on me.
Do you know how it feels? Sacrificing your body, and happiness and faith like that for the happiness of others? When all you want to do is cry but you can't and you are forced to paint a smile on your face when you are already dead inside, do you know how it feels? Do you know how it feels like, knowing that you have just sacrificed your whole life because you wanted his family to be happy? Do you know how it feels, smiling in front of everyone and knowing that not a soul could decipher the sorrow in your eyes?
It feels like having cotton balls being stuffed in the back of your throat. Suffocating. It feels like your stomach has fallen in this bottomless pit. Never ending. It feels like your chest is caving in. Heart breaking. It feels like your brains is pushing itself against your skull. Pressurizing. I feels like wanting to die but being denied even that little peace.
I was told to marry Yuvraj Luthra, the son of my Husband's murderer, once my enemy. And I said yes with my heart in my throat desperate to jump out of my mouth and just kill me. I wouldn't really see our wedding. I could barely see anything with those tears in my eyes. I wished Kunj would miraculously come and save me from this misery. He didn't. I cried. No one wiped my tears. They were too busy smiling.
I, soon become an expert in faking a smile. In fact I was so good at it that no one, not even my mother noticed. I wished they had. I wished someone had, so that I would release at least an ounce of the anguish that I was drowning in. I wished my screams didn't fall on deaf ears.
Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, it did. I lost our baby. Miscarried. Funny word, miscarriage, like I accidently dropped the baby. But there was nothing funny about the pain I then felt. There was nothing funny about watching blood seep down your legs while your abdomen knots itself. There was nothing funny about being told that I am losing the baby but not to worry, that they will try to save me. Not to worry, wow!
It was back to me being hollow-inside and out. I locked myself in our room. It was their turn to scream and my turn to disregard their shouts of pleas. I thought it would make me feel better to treat them how they treated me. But it didn't. I still felt miserable and lonely. But I didn't open the door, didn't want to see the pity in their eyes. Instead I dropped myself in front of Kunj's photo and cried and begged to him to return.
But he didn't.
He was too busy becoming Rocky Singh, plotting against the very wife he vowed to forever protect, love and cherish.
Yes, I know you are Kunj. I found out sooner than you would have liked and too late for my liking. How could I not? When you have the same scar on the hand as Kunj and when you foolishly wore the bracelet I have gifted him.
Vengeance has consumed you. And I am done scorching in your fire.
Before I leave, I want to clarify that Yuvraj and I had nothing between us. We were playing pretend in front of the family, for the sake of their happiness. All he has been to me is a good friend.
I observed every Karwachauth on your name, every year. I celebrated May 20, your birthday every year. I celebrated 18th August, our anniversary every year. I was living with your memory and would live with your memory every day for the rest of my life.
I wish you were as faithful to me as I had been to you. I wish you hadn't let your misunderstanding blow up to exponential proportions. I wish we could yet have our happy ending.
But we can't. Because you aren't Kunj. You are Rocky Singh. Had you been Kunj, my Kunj, you would have trusted me better, you would have come home to me sooner, and you would have been there to wipe my bitter tears. But you didn't.
I think we both can agree that I got my closure. I have now, because of you, accepted that Kunj Sarna is dead. I finally get to move on. Thank you.
Don't come banging on the doors of Taneja Mansion, saying that you are Kunj and that you now want to make everything alright again. You don't get to be Kunj again. Kunj Sarna died for me the day I found out how he has burned himself in misunderstandings and vengeance and become Rocky Singh. And even if you stubbornly do come home, you won't find me there.
I can't and won't stop you from visiting The Sarna's. They are yet your family in some twisted way, even though you aren't the Kunj that they had lost. I pray that you can make amends with them and can finally live your life in harmony and happiness. You deserve it.
As for me, I am done with all of you. I now have this sudden urge to live MY LIFE. My life the way I want it. No strings attached. So I am leaving home, to be honest this place doesn't even feel like home any more. I am going to settle somewhere far away from all of you and start living life again. Tabula Rasa.
Start living life again. Sounds something I am way overdue on.
Don't worry about me. The worse that can happen to me now is that I'll mend and that I'll decide it's time to live and learn again. I will heal myself slowly and build myself up one brick at a time. I'll be happy.
You won't see me ever again, Mr. Rocky Singh.
And when the rage in your heart finally dies down and you cool down to become Kunj again, you yet won't see me. And that's a promise. I selfishly want you to regret. Because while you had a purpose in those five years, a plan to destroy me, I was just a smiling corpse. I hope you get to feel the same pain I had lived with for the past years.
Let it be known that I am not leaving because I am angry at you or anyone else. No, I couldn't ever be angry at you all. Sacrificing my happiness, body and self was a decision I made and I stand by it. I am leaving because I deserve better. I know that if I stay back, your family and mine will convince me to forgive you. And I would even though you don't deserve it.
I deserve better.
Don't bother calling the police. Leaving Amritsar is my choice and there is nothing the police can do about it. Ma will yet file a case and when she does, I'll already have a person informing the police that this isn't a missing person's case or a kidnapping case. The police will soon know that Twinkle voluntarily chose to leave.
Here's to moving on!
Sincerely,
Twinkle.
PS: I really loved you a lot. I wish you had recognized it.
Bade Achhe Lagte Hain
CID
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