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Ram stumbled into his chamber, still drunk on the emotions he'd been forced to face today, emotions he'd suppressed after so many years of their separation. He couldn't even see straight, or rather believe that what had happened today was reality or just a figment of his imagination.
He needed something to ground him, snap him back to reality, but he'd lost that person ages ago, all due to his duties as a king. So he chose the next best thing he could find, the golden statue of Sita he'd had made when the pressure for a queen to be present in the Ashwamedha Yagna had been too high, and he would die before ever break his ek-patni-vrat. Just because the King in him had chosen to abandon his queen over the Praja's accusations, didn't mean that the husband had abandoned his wife or ever would.
He caressed the statue of his beloved, aching in despair wanting it to turn into his wife so desperately, for he could not bear this separation from her, and there was nothing he could do anymore. Not after her return to the earth. He felt like a criminal, even asking her to prove her chastity when he knew that there couldn't be anything more chaste than her in this world. He'd failed her horribly. He'd failed in protecting her from Ravan, he'd failed in protecting her stature and character from the Praja's harsh accusations, he'd failed in keeping with the vows he gave her. He'd run away from his responsibilities of protecting her, the vow he'd given so proudly to her parents when he married her. He'd driven her to seek refuge in her mother, leaving him with their two sons that he hadn't even met before today.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. When he'd married her, he'd been so happy and so proud that he'd been chosen to have someone that loved him as she did him, to know what it felt like to love someone, and be loved in return, all unconditionally, and free of all expectations. She'd never expected anything from anybody. She just gave and gave, just like Mother Earth. She was truly Bhoomija in every sense. She'd always been his rock, whether it was his father's death, or his exile and he couldn't imagine what he'd have been reduced to, had he missed the opportunity and ignored destiny that called him to Mithila, called him to his soul mate, for he knew, even if they'd never married each other, and somebody else, they'd have loved them, no doubt, but they wouldn't have been complete, not in the way they were together.
He hadn't even realised that tears streaming were down his face, not until they landed right in the eye of the statue. "Oh Sitae!" he held on to the statue, and sobbed hysterically, for he'd lost the only person whose company he'd ever wanted, and he wasn't even strong enough to admit to everyone that it was his fault. His ties with his family had totally shook, for her sisters probably loathed him now, and his mothers merely ignored him. And their sons, they'd lost the only parent they'd known since their birth, and even when she left, Sita left him with their responsibility, fully knowing that they would be the only ones who'd be able to help him. Their children were a completely perfect combination of the both of them, and he hadn't even been around since their birth.
He was shaking so badly, and looked around their chamber, which had been empty and cold ever since there weren't her anklets to compose music, her eyes to light up the room, and her mere presence that gave the warmth and homely feel. His palace had been his home since childhood, but it now felt like a prison, for he knew he'd lost his home when he lost Sita.
"Oh Sita, you cannot fathom how sorry I am for putting you through so much. But I knew that you'd never see yourself as a victim, just like I didn't when Mata Kaikeyi put me through exile. But what I don't know is why everyone is so adamant on making you into this victim of my mistrust and chauvinism, when all I did was only for my Dharma," he spoke to the statue.
"I wish so badly that I'd have been able to protect you from Raavan, then we'd never have to face all this. We could have happily returned to Ayodhya after those 14 years, and we could have had such a wonderful life together. I'm thankful for all the time we had together, but it wasn't enough Sitae, it wasn't enough," he hiccuped.
"We were supposed to raise our beautiful children together, but I can see you've done a wonderful job all on your own without any help. Without me, when I was supposed to be by your side throughout, attending to your needs through the pregnancy, fighting with the midwife and my mothers so that I could be by your side when you gave birth, holding your hand and wiping your brow. Yet I left you in the darkness of the forest with nobody to even encourage you to go on. We would see our little babies amaze us with something new everyday, look after court, and retire to our chamber every night to be just us, not King and Queen, not brother and sister, not son and daughter in law, not mother and father, not even husband and wife, because we both knew that those tags come with their own set of conditions and expectations, merely as lovers, and enjoy the other's company all night staring at the moon, and sleep to wake up and fulfill our duties the next day again. What did I do Sitae? Why did I deprive us the chance to have a normal life?" he closed his eyes and collapsed onto the floor.
"Raghunandan," a voice came, and he sobered up, having heard her name for him, that he'd longed to hear from her mouth since eternity, for every second without her felt like an eternity. He stood up and paced the room, to find the source of the voice, even when a part of his brain kept screaming at him that he was hallucinating, that she wasn't real, not anymore. But his heart knew that she'd promised him that she was always there in his heart, and she never broke any of her promises, unlike he did. He found her seated on the loveseat in the balcony, their favourite place, and there was still a voice in his head saying that she wasn't here, right in front his eyes, but he ignored that voice again. "Sitae!" he ran to her and collapsed against her when he felt her arms come around him, rubbing his back, "Oh Sitae! What did I do? How did we get here?" He cried. "Raghunandan, calm down," she said.
"You don't have to put yourself through the ringer like this, Raghunandan. I thought you knew me better than this. You do know that I don't blame you for not any of your actions, then why would you do this to yourself? Did you think I'd be happy knowing you're here suffering here like this? You should know I never blamed you, nor did I ever feel sorry for myself, I was free, and in the place where our love blossomed, with our children to take care of, I never had any reason to feel sad, except I missed you being there with us. But I understood you had bigger responsibilities than being just a husband and father, and so there wasn't one moment I ever resented you. You told me that I'm the one who understand you best right? So why did you fail to understand me here?" she asked him, cupping his face with her hands.
"I don't know Sitae! Nothing makes sense to me anymore, not without you here with me, you're the only thing that brought me clarity," He said as he grabbed one hand and entwined their fingers and let the other land in his hair. Her soothing touches worked better than any massage could.
"But Raghunandan, I'm always here with you, right in your heart, regardless of my physical presence. My heart, my soul belong to you. Every moment when you miss me actually being there, just lay your hand on your chest, and I will always be right by your side. I never left you, just as you never left me. The King in you abandoned his Queen, but my husband in there could never abandon his wife."
"How do you still have so much faith in me Sitae? How? After everything I put you through, forcing you into a life of hardships, forcing a delicate princess into the unknown harsh forest, and this time all by yourself! And you didn't even acknowledge my cowardice, that I didn't even notify you before, just sent you along with Lakshman, and you still had the time to make sure I'd be fine here without you by giving instructions to the staff, how Sitae? How can you be so forgiving?" he asked brokenly.
He could see the tears brimming her eyes, accompanied by an air of confidence he hadn't seen before. He knew what her answer would be. He closed his eyes and let the tears spill through, for he knew now, that for ages to come, he'd be known only due to her sacrifices, and there would always be the fact that he'd never ever measure up to her. For she was greater than him, in every way, and yet, all she wanted was his prosperity first. Her independence was what made him dependable. What do you even say about such unconditional love?
"I'm not being forgiving in any way, because there's nothing for me to forgive. You didn't choose to take me into exile when you went first. It was my choice through and through. And I don't regret anything about it. You didn't impose any hardships on me. And about Ravan kidnapping me, we both now know that he was the only reason why we chose to separate, for you are here to establish Dharma, and as your ardhangini it is my foremost duty to help you in every way I can. You never asked me to give the trial by fire, I chose to. And about you abandoning me into forest, you were forced to, for you were completing your Raj Dharma, which for a king always comes first and if you hadn't, you wouldn't have been the man I married, no, you'd just be a man with wife, but you are a king too, people look up to you, so you did what was expected of you," she spoke firmly, leaving no room for him to argue with a single statement even.
He closed his eyes, shaking away with sobs, and felt her lips kissing away his tears with feather light pecks. He'd been in agony for so long, missing her every second, her absence had tore at his heart for so long, yet even now he couldn't relieve his thirst for her. He felt her kiss his forehead, his nose, and eventually his lips. He opened his eyes to bore into her sparkling ones, and found her to look the way that she did when he first married her, her eyes hazel and bright, her face full of innocence and just knew, this was her way of her saying goodbye forever. He'd wake up tomorrow to find himself alone yet again, forever. But for now, just now, he'd enjoy her presence, in his room, in his arms.
She gave him the strength he'd require to pass the rest of his days, with his family, with their sons, and he'd always have her in his heart. He had faith in that, faith in her words, for she'd been the only one who'd never lost her faith in him, he could give her that much at least. They'd meet again, soon enough.
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