Posted:
September 9th 2010 – Recorded Diary of Gopi Modi
Yesterday I went to answer the phone and Ahamji reached for the phone at the same time. It felt like I had been struck by lightening...it was like electricity went from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. I wanted to leave my hand in his. I should have checked before going into the hallway if Ahamji was around, it was my mistake getting in his way. But I so wanted him to hold my hand and tell me everything will be all right. Kanaji why do I feel this way? I know I have to keep away from him because seeing that look of nafrat in his eyes breaks my heart into more pieces.
Kanaji, when I saw him later calling from the bathroom I couldn't walk away. I had to help him. Again his hand touched mine. Kanaji, I don't know what happens to me when he touches me! After that I couldn't stop thinking about him.
Performing the Janamashtmi rituals with him was so wonderful. Even though we no longer live like true husband and wife, being near Ahamji and holding the thali for him, celebrating the day of your birth with Ahamji is my highest honour. I know that being near me was very painful for him but I received so much happiness out of the few minutes we spent together in your presence.
Is this wrong? What should I do? How do I make things better for Ahamji?
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September 9, 2010 - Personal Journal of Aham Parag Modi
Last night and this morning were very odd for me. First when I reached to answer the phone, there was Gopi, in the way again… I grabbed her hand by accident. When I looked at her she was beautiful in a purple sari…she looked like an innocent Pari put on this earth just for me. When I know she is not that innocent then why do I get startled by her innocence and beauty? Every time!!! I so wanted to turn my hand and hold hers in mine.. tightly. After I yelled at her, her face crumpled again. I wanted to pull her in my arms and tell her everything will be all right. When she walked away why did I want to call her back? What was I going to do? Apologize? Aham Parag Modi Apologize? Not in this life time not to that Gopi when all she does is make my life hell!
Then this morning during the Janamashtmi puja Mom said Gopi and I couldn't perform the puja together. That is what I wanted, right? Then why did I feel anger build inside of me? When Gopi stood next to me why did I want to lean closer to her? And want to pull that pallu off her beautiful face? I had to step away otherwise I would have embarrassed myself in front of everyone. I wish my family left me alone to just work. Why do we have to celebrate every custom and festival? I just want to be left alone and run the Modi empire!!!!
GOD!!! I have no time for this nonsense!!!!! *closes the journal angrily*
Yesterday I went to answer the phone and Ahamji reached for the phone at the same time. It felt like I had been struck by lightening...it was like electricity went from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. I wanted to leave my hand in his. I should have checked before going into the hallway if Ahamji was around, it was my mistake getting in his way. But I so wanted him to hold my hand and tell me everything will be all right. Kanaji why do I feel this way? I know I have to keep away from him because seeing that look of nafrat in his eyes breaks my heart into more pieces.
Kanaji, when I saw him later calling from the bathroom I couldn't walk away. I had to help him. Again his hand touched mine. Kanaji, I don't know what happens to me when he touches me! After that I couldn't stop thinking about him.
Performing the Janamashtmi rituals with him was so wonderful. Even though we no longer live like true husband and wife, being near Ahamji and holding the thali for him, celebrating the day of your birth with Ahamji is my highest honour. I know that being near me was very painful for him but I received so much happiness out of the few minutes we spent together in your presence.
Is this wrong? What should I do? How do I make things better for Ahamji?
__________________________________________________________________________
September 9, 2010 - Personal Journal of Aham Parag Modi
Last night and this morning were very odd for me. First when I reached to answer the phone, there was Gopi, in the way again… I grabbed her hand by accident. When I looked at her she was beautiful in a purple sari…she looked like an innocent Pari put on this earth just for me. When I know she is not that innocent then why do I get startled by her innocence and beauty? Every time!!! I so wanted to turn my hand and hold hers in mine.. tightly. After I yelled at her, her face crumpled again. I wanted to pull her in my arms and tell her everything will be all right. When she walked away why did I want to call her back? What was I going to do? Apologize? Aham Parag Modi Apologize? Not in this life time not to that Gopi when all she does is make my life hell!
Then this morning during the Janamashtmi puja Mom said Gopi and I couldn't perform the puja together. That is what I wanted, right? Then why did I feel anger build inside of me? When Gopi stood next to me why did I want to lean closer to her? And want to pull that pallu off her beautiful face? I had to step away otherwise I would have embarrassed myself in front of everyone. I wish my family left me alone to just work. Why do we have to celebrate every custom and festival? I just want to be left alone and run the Modi empire!!!!
GOD!!! I have no time for this nonsense!!!!! *closes the journal angrily*
Mannat Har Khushi Paane Ki
