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(Hint: This interview is a parody of Narendra Modi's interview with Arnab Goswami on Times Now. It is only for a good laugh and not intended to hurt anyone, its a light hearted read about our show's characterizations)
Super Journalist Lady ArSnobita CumSwami, in crisp FabIndia Salwar Kameez, is in a garish studio, recently vacated by Arnab Goswami and his team of now jobless psephologists. The screen is covered with random statistics, which we will discuss in a moment. But for now, lets go to Entertainment hour
SuperJourno (SJ): Hello Viewers, in this edition of entertainment hour, we have the honor of interviewing one of the youngest, most dashing and most decorated BSD officers India has seen in a while. Please welcome Major Rudra Pratap Ranawat.
RPR: Thank you, ArSnobita ji.
SJ: Lets cut to the chase and ask you the most burning question on our viewers' minds. Are you ready Major?
RPR: Yes
SJ: Ok, the question is, with one hand as inactive as the drubbed UPA Congress, how do you zip your pants without pinching vital organs?
RPR: Well, As Modi ji has amply proved that one doesn't need a coalition of hands to govern one's pants. I have single majority strength in one arm and have learned so many maneuvers in the BSD, I can single-handedly zip my pants.
SJ: Don't you think a coalition with Paro's hands would have given the poor viewers of Rangrasiya a proper pant zipping scene after a sponge bath scene?
RPR: We did that. Remember Paro bathes me after I fall in blue coloring.
SJ: Yes, yes, the coloring of Shiva, the very symbolic blue color of misapplied mythology. You can hardly qualify that as a bath. It was a fully clothed bath scene. Needless to add, the kurtha wasn't even transparent and didn't even reveal the outline of a single nipple. Heck, Major Saab, Ram Theri Ganga Maili bath scene was more progressive than yours and that too from a Gaon ki Innocent Chori! Don't you see the hypocrisy?
RPR: ArSnobita, let me explain. Give me 10 seconds to...
SJ: How can you explain this? Don't you think it was unfair to the paagal women who have diligently followed you and may even vote for you during your mid-term elections in JhalakDikhlaJa?
RPR: Arsnobita...
SJ: Answer my question, Major saab.
RPR: I am..
SJ: No, no, no. the nation wants know!
RPR: If you let me answer ArSnobita. I can tell you simply, without using your Oxford dictionary words. You have to remember that the viewers got to see 100 chest hair in that scene, not to mention a full grope by Paro. That's more than what our predecessors have delivered.
SJ: I disagree. Your predecessor, Arnav Singh Raizada, husband to Paro in her previous birth as Khushi, went completely shirtless in a public bath, in the middle of Laxmi Nagar's social hubbub - the water pump. The least you could have delivered was taking off your blue tinted shirt, and worn a toweliya in lieu of pajamas, and given the viewers what they demanded.
RPR: Leave the machinations of consumashunnary details to our Party workers - the Creatives. They know what they are doing and your criticism hardly matters to them.
SJ: Fair enough, but why do you guys get surprised when you get backlash on Twitter? When time after time, a well muscled, good looking dude is never shown shirtless, never shown fumbling with his zipper, never shown fumbling with his bath, never seeks coalition of beautiful Paro, why do you expect praise?
RPR: Let me put it this way. The demography of our show is not ready to handle the truth. If we were to show shirtless scenes, do you think it will lead to economic growth of the entire nation.
SJ: So lets talk about growth. How do you plan to sustain growth, will there be use of external means to sustain growth? Will growth be as fast as the nation wants it? Will the growth be better than Laila years of measly 7%? Thakursa claims 9 inches growth when in reality it was only 2.8 inches. How do you, esteemed Major Saab, plan to GROW?
RPR: Our philosophy is a structured approach to growth. We have to create four sectors of growth. First we grow the eastern front, thats why I've exposed left side of my body. We then focus on Gujurat, the western front and as you can see that hand is working and doing all the wonderful things the other hand should be doing. After that, we focus on Northern front, a development that will lead to shirtless scene
SJ: What about the Southern Front?
RPR: Those non-hindi speaking Madrasis will need to literally pull my pajamas off before we get a southern development
SJ: But that is sectarianism and very divisive politics, Major Saab. You've been accused of stridency and nationalist tendencies, how then do you justify this action?
RPR: Dekhiye, Our nation cannot handle No Pajamas. Prime Time TRPs are not built to handle the explosion this will cause. I don't believe in Tokenism. So what would it mean, if like UPA I simply undo my Pajama strings, with both hands and nothing happens. Is it better to set the expectations right and be upfront that No Pajamas are coming off until we resolve our diplomatic issues with our neighbors in Sarhad Paar?
SJ: How about pants? Can't Paro help change your image and help with that? I mean you do exercise in your shorts and instead of completely denying your involvement in it, why not come clean and tell the nation that you will show your muscles
RPR: When the time is right, all the correct muscles will be shown. Its not upto the media or stupid fans to decide or trend #BinaShirtMoonchiya. That does not work with us. SorrowRub Teaworry will make sure we win Jhagda Khand and UttarKaand Fronts. Trust him to do his job
SJ: SorrowRub Teaworry did a good thing and brought Tejawat back. You know even though Sumer is a strong contender to Haveli throne and his Mother Mohini twitched her conspiratorial eyebrows, while Kakusa is as ineffective as MaunMooh Singh, the current UPA elitism of Ma-Betay ki Politics and dynastic rule is absolutely not acceptable to people. What do you say to that.
RPR: This is the end of dynastic rule. Ma-Betay ki Gaddi aur Raaj will be over soon. We have already won Samrat by having Dilsher tighten his Pajama Nada. Mythili finds more sexcitement in my love story with Paro than in her own love story. Sunehri can be won over with a promise of lifetime supply of romance novels. Kakusa is not getting any, so he is not aligned with Mohini anyway. This time, we will prove that Achay din Aane waley hain is not a mere slogan
SJ: Before we move further, lets discuss these random statistics on screen. It says your chest measurement is 50 inches, your waist is 33 inches and your inseam is 40 inches. Is this true?
RPR: I haven't measured myself in a long time. JDJ practices may have made my measurements more desirable. I will let my Big Data team handle it.
SJ: But come on Major Saab. You must know your own measurements. Its definitely competitive and Thakur sa has been boasting about his measurements since the day the show began. Can you not dispel his fake claims?
RPR: You know Tejawat said same bullshit to my mother? You can see my distaste for these irrelevant statistics. Whats important is that I am good where it counts.
SJ: Finally, about Paro. Why do you love her?
RPR: Besides dreaming about the possibility of her giving sponge bath, I am super impressed with her Salsa dancing skills, which she mastered in 10 seconds. She is a super negotiator and loves Golas. What man can resist a woman who loves Golas and squeals about their flavors.
SJ: But isn't Laila more savvy than Paro. She has been running her life on her own terms for so long. Why would you refuse her existence leave alone grant her a cabinet seat?
RPR: Laila is not a virgin
SJ: That disqualifies her from wife material I can understand that. So here is another big burning question the nation wants to know - When can we expect consumashuns?
RPR: First, let me get my right hand working. Only then can I do full justice to Paro's virginal dreams and Gola obsession.
SJ: Wait, let me stop you right there. You say, you need to get your right hand working before you can effectively consumashuns. But Major saab, one does not need the right hand for it! Don't you see? Can you answer that, I repeat, can't we expect consumashuns in near future?
RPR: Listen. My experience with Laila has taught me valuable lessons. For 8 years, every night, I've worked hard, giving her very good full body governance. Even though I stayed quiet when she created a riot over Paro, I know that I am not guilty of loving her,even Paro declared me not-guilty. I only love Paro and Paro deserves my best. I have many things to accomplish, like get a Visa for Sarhad Paar, get Tejawat and shave off his moonch. After my Dad figures out what went wrong with his consumashuns, then I can focus on mine
SJ: We, the Paagal Fans Associations, would have preferred a speedy consumashuns. Its not like it will end all avenues for more in future. You know married couples do do it more than once and what is to stop SorrowRub Teaworry from showing it many times.
RPR: Listen, let me get it right the first time. Paro is new at this, she needs to get used to it. Then we will worry about frequency, location and logistics. Aur Agar Jantha ka saath ho humare saath, tho bohoth se consumashuns denge!
SJ: Fair enough! A difficult path ahead of you Major Saab. We wish you the very best.
RPR: Thank you. Don't forget to read my unauthorized Biography coming out next month. Its called Velcro Zipper - How a Major revolutionized Efficiency in BSD
(The original interview for the uninitiated)
[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIjMGNwStt0[/YOUTUBE]
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