I have no idea, what am I doing here in the middle of my boards. And instead of updating my FF, I am writing this thing. LOL, for these following my work, Sorry 😳 And this one's dedicated to all of you. Will update ADMHG as soon as my boards get over. And trust me, my brain would have damaged, had I not done this. Seriously, who brought up the system of examinations. Ughh!
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I wanted to tell her, " You're still beautiful"
It was a match made by my brother. He wanted me to meet a girl from a small town in my home-country. According to him, the girls from here possess more cultural and traditional qualities unlike those in western world. Well, in my perspective, it never is that way. I always thought its' heart, that possesses good and bad. And even though I had no idea of what was in store for me, I had to agree with my family's decision.
My friends in the West wondered why I was so paralyzed, why I was not making my own decisions, marrying who I wanted to marry. I wish they knew how difficult it has been throughout. Though my friends and I live in the same world; our lives run parallel- Far on the Eastern horizon the sun sets differently. The East is still the East, trying to unchain itself from moral issues and traditional values, struggling through a transitional phase in every aspect of life. I did not know whether I liked the process of transition or not, it was going to engulf my life soon-I had decided to marry the girl my family had chosen for me.
After several months of virtual meet-up on the phone and internet, we were in a restaurant meeting for the first time in person. I have come to like many things about her through our virtual meet-up itself. She is good-looking. It would be a lie, if I said, I didn't spend hours on facebook going through her profile, literally raping the "Next" button on her photos album. Also, she is understanding, honest, caring and sweet. Well, the latter parts, I was told by my family.
We were both quiet; I was rather conscious because she looked a bit younger than me. After drifting from one random topic to another, we were starting to get on track. Suddenly she asked,
"Asad, I wanted to..uhh..ask you something."
"Why are you hesitating, Zoya? We are here for question and answer session. Remember?" She chuckled at that. Ah! She's got dimples as well. Just like mine. But hers' are even more beautiful.
"Have you had any girlfriends? Previously?"
I was shocked. Well, not at the question. But it was then I realized, we never had conversation on this topic. And technically, this should have come way before. Almost at the beginning. Considering that she belonged to this place, a place rich in their so called "culture and traditions", I should have said her all these things earlier. I'm stupid. And I admit this.
"Yes, I had a couple", I let it out. There was no way I was going to lie her. I would never start a relation on the base of a lie. And she deserves to know my past. "Did you have a boyfriend?" I asked. I wanted to know about her as well.
Looking at a distant object, she replied "Just for a month. He broke up with me after knowing that..." She hesitated and I realized. I asked her to let it be.
"How many girls did you have in your life?"...
"Six or seven..." I replied hesitantly.
"Do I look like a player?", I wanted to break the ice. I wanted to know her opinion.
But the air started to feel thick. She merely glanced at me and nodded her head.
"I want to be honest, I am not a player, but at the same time I am not a virgin", I added to justify myself. She should know this and there was no point lying.
"Obviously", she muttered.
"So, do you only blame the guy if couples have sex?" I argued. I was amazed to a point. I had never expected our first meeting to go this way.
"No, not unless it is a rape", she responded.
Long silence!
"I hate sex..." she said suddenly.
Confused, I looked into her eyes. The situation got really intense. I was not really expecting such a strong expression.
"It's a personal choice, and I respect each individual's decision", I said feeling guilty for having been misunderstood.
My thought was to clear things up before conveying my commitment to her. It was her right to know that even if I am from the East, I have lived in the West and I might not be able to meet her expectations of Eastern values.
With eyes full of tears, she continued, "...I am not sure if I should be sharing it with you, I hate it for a different reason".
"You can count on me as a friend" I reassured.
"I hate my body..." after a long pause she said, "I was sexually abused - I was raped" these words pierced my heart.
"Really!! What happened?" my voice rose.
"That old man disappeared." Trying to maintain her composure, she carried on, "I was just nine, it was so painful and I bled for two days. That time I didn't even know what was going on"
"We kept it as a secret in our family due to social stigma". "We could do nothing because the old man was one of our own trusted people". Finally the tears in her eyes found their course and started to flow.
"I was made impure, so I hate my body, I feel disgusted at myself ...but will you still accept me for what I am?" her voice shivered.
I sat there speechless, trying to find the right words.
"Can you please give me a moment for myself?" I heard her saying.
I lit a cigarette and walked towards verandah. I stood there staring at the setting sun beyond the horizon. Torrents of thoughts were exploding in my mind simultaneously. I couldn't make sense of anything that had just happened.
When I returned, she was gone...she was simply gone? How could she?
I finally realized what I wanted to say to her.
I wanted to hold her hand and tell her "you are still beautiful to me."
I wanted to tell her that it was not her fault and she doesn't have to feel disgusted for others (his) guilt.
I could imagine what she must have gone through. And how did she think that I will say no? Zoya! I myself had spent nights with girls, and there she assumed that I would say no to her. When, she should be the one saying no to me. I wanted to tell her, she is innocent. And I have come to really like her.
A huge grin made its way on my face. I still can. She is just a phone call away.
Pushpa Impossible
CID
127