13. Change Did you spike my heart when I wasn't looking? Maybe that's why am punch-drunk on a surreal fantasy worthy of a fairy-tale ending. Something impossible, I mean.*****
On a one fine monsoon afternoon, Lavanya moves in. This isn't like before when she arrived Raizada mansion with a large suitcase and a laptop bag following her like a wolf and a puppy. There are traces of her life splattered around the house. It takes Khushi more than a week to realize that the vase she is holding in her hand is completely foreign and doesn't recognize its texture or the origin.
"ASR, we should hang a Rembrant copy by the staircase. His "Anna and the blind Tobit" is inspiring, you know?" She says twirling a spoon in a mug of instant coffee. The strong smell of coffee makes her toe curl but looks away with the speed worthy of a whiplash when Arnav plucks the mug from Lavanya's hand, takes a long sip and moans in contentment. Khushi hides in shadows but doesn't find it in her to move away from the scene. A small part of her wishes to remove Lavanya from there and plant herself in the other woman's spot. She shakes her head to rid of the fantasies and venturing on "what might have been and could be".
When did her head stopped being the safest place for her live in? When did her head argue with heart and one betrayed the other on a regular basis?
"You can do whatever you want to Lavanya," Arnav replies to her graciously.
"I also think we should move to a larger room once we are married. Yours is small for the both of us, don't you think so?" Lavanya is being practical, she knows it. Arnav's hand still and the lip of the mug is only an inch away from his mouth.
His smile is delayed. Lavanya is too absorbed in her thoughts to notice that. "If that's what you want," he replies, voice rasp. Lavanya is busy being happy and squealing at his consent to take a moment to analyze the delay in his response or the way his voice didn't betray his happiness.
"You are the best ASR!" Lavanya gushes. "You never refuse what I want," she adds when she skips out of kitchen with a spring in her step.
Khushi's throat closes up at the happiness the older woman exuberates. She believed she was above being jealous and petty but she never was in this state of limbic attraction before.
"You can come out of shadows now," Arnav's voice is soft and jarred. Khushi feels thoroughly chastisised by that even thought Arnav's intention was far from that.
"You are being a good son, a great brother and an amazing boyfriend,"
Khushi says walking out into the light. She shuts her eyes for a moment,
the brightness of kitchen suddenly blinding her. When she opens her eyes,
Arnav is standing in front of her, shielding her from the harsheness of
the light bulb, his shadow providing the greyness she suddenly seemed to
crave.
"But...?" He asks and takes an elaborate sip of coffee. The way he drinks coffee is exactly the way Khushi hates. That's an interesting juxtaposed art Lavanya, he idly thinks.
"You've stopped saying what you want." She finishes softly. Arnav's hand stills for the second time in five minutes span. He raises an eyebrow in mock curiosity as if he doesn't realize what he is doing. She lets out an exasperated breath. "You are letting people do what they want to do with
you, your time, your stuff...and you aren't even bothered about it. Its as if...as if..."
"As if, what Khushi?" He asks taking a step back and watching her closely.
"As if...you don't care about them anymore." She looks at him intently.
"As if you dont't care about anything anymore."
"Is that right?" He asks carelessly. Khushi nods her head once, twice and then several times when she became more and more convinced of her thought process.
"You purposefully left the wall next to staircase blank because one day you want to hang a blown up photograph of your parents there." She swallows when his expression turns murderous. He looks betrayed when Khushi voices out the words in his mind aloud. "Your room is your world, your inner sanctum. You invited a woman in your life but you aren't inviting to your world."
"So?" Arnav is still flippant but the burn behind his eyes is enough for any sane person to take a step back and run like hell.
But Khushi isn't most people.
"I don't know why you are being like this Arnav. I don't know why you aren't being pruposefully obtuse about your own life. I can't begin to understand why you are being so passe about your own life." Khushi takes a shaky breath to rein her thoughts in but she is far too gone in this...admission and confrontation to put a break to the word-river. "You stopped being yourself."
Arnav exhales noisily. He bares his teeth in a smile that quite doesn't reach his eyes. "Being myself stopped being enough a long time ago Khushi. Haven't you said that many, many times in the past?"
She should have known. She should have known Arnav was smart enough to turn this whole thing on her. But she finds herself accepting that she totally deserved it. She started this nudging-the-universe-till-it-broke-apart thing in the first place. She offers him a tiny smile. "Being ourselves is never enough Arnav." She walks past him and wonders if she should tell him the closing note for this rhyme she has been singing.
"But for me, it has been always more than enough because I have always felt you in my veins."
"There you are. Are you ready to go?" NK appears from somewhere, out of breath, bright eyes and inviting smile. The words on Arnav's tongue go into hiding but his heart refuses to stay put and follows her, like it always has.
He smiles, what feels like first time in several days which crinkles the edges of his eyes and dips the dimple of his cheek. He watches Khushi bicker with NK about something inane and walks in opposite direction.
He stops himself from humming a song. It would be rude considering what he was about to tell his sister.
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