Part 35: Balancing the Scale
**Happy Belated Birthday Dumas!! Consider this update my delayed gift to you! Love ya!**
She could see he was mulling over her words. His expression was serious, his eyes distant as he thought about what she had said. A small frown appeared on his face at one point. A long minute passed before he took a deep breath in, let it out and then spoke.
"I'm sorry...I can't promise that."
Before she could reprimand him, a knock on the door interrupted them. Arnav, however, was glad for the interruption.
"Come in." Arnav said loud and clear.
Khushi glowered at Arnav. The door opened, and a smiling Kripa stepped in and rushed to Arnav's side. She greeted him with a hug and then smiled at Khushi.
"Congratulations. I hear everything has been sorted." Kripa said excitedly.
"Yeah...the girl just gave her statement. I just need to take care of some formalities." Khushi stood up and glared at Arnav once again.
Kripa raised her eyebrows at Arnav questioningly as soon as Khushi left. Arnav just shrugged in response sheepishly.
*
An hour and a half later, Arnav stepped out of the car and looked at Khushi's house with a smile on his face. Even though he was unsure of whether or not he'd done the right thing by promising her this, he was glad he did. He would see his kids in a couple of minutes. He would be surrounded by his loved ones. He was home.
Kripa opened the door, closely followed by Khushi and Arnav. Anjali, Kripa, Angad, Sur, Prateek, Aman who was holding on to Ishan, Amber, and Aditya stood in front of him. Khushi joined them as they cheered and applauded for him. Arnav froze in his place at the entrance and took in the small crowd that had practically become his family in the last few months he'd spent in India. They all stood under a handmade poster that read Welcome Home'.
Amber and Aditya ran to him and hugged his legs. Sur and Prateek also followed suit. Kripa and Angad patted his shoulder encouragingly as he walked into the living room accompanied by the quartet of kids. Aman gave his boss cum friend a brotherly sideways hug. A somewhat tearful Anjali gave him a hug and whispered Thank you' before she pulled away. Still holding onto his arms, she looked at him squarely in the face. "You're someone's hero!" Anjali chirped, chuckling.
As Anjali stepped away, Arnav looked at Khushi and found her grinning proudly. Her eyes expressed nothing but happiness. He couldn't help the smile that appeared on his own face. He held her gaze until she walked up to him and gave him a hug. Automatically, his arms wound around her and his chin found a resting place on her shoulder, the earlier clouds of gloom momentarily clearing out of his mind. She didn't have to say anything to him. She had already opened up and told him her thoughts in the last couple of days. The hug they shared now was enough to pass her thoughts to him once again.
Kripa and Anjali cooed a long Aww' and a chuckling Khushi pulled away from the hug. She looked at him with twinkling eyes and squeezed his uninjured arm gently. She uttered her next words in a quiet voice as if they were meant just for his ears. "I'm proud of you."
As soon as Khushi moved aside, Aditya and Amber ran up to him again. He kneeled in time to gather them in a big hug. Kids were such innocent beings, expressing whatever they felt openly, without filtering anything. So honest. So pure. Why did we grow up and learn the ability to hide things? Why couldn't we just be as honest as when we were kids? Arnav definitely envied them this. How he wished he could just go ahead and say what was on his mind all the time.
"Does it hurt?" Amber gingerly touched the bandage on his head and brought him out of his thoughts.
"Nope...because I got my healing kisses this time." Arnav threw a glance at Khushi, who looked at him with widened eyes, a hint of red appearing on her cheeks. Angad, Kripa, Anjali, and Aman suppressed their giggles.
"I knew it wouldn't hurt you. You're so strong and tough!" Aditya chirped, patting Arnav's biceps. "And you're always fighting bad guys!"
"We thought of a new name for you." Amber said excitedly as the two kids pulled him towards the couch.
"Did you, now?" Arnav asked with raised eyebrows.
Amber nodded vigorously, reminding him of an excited Khushi. Amber exchanged a glance with Aditya.
"Super Buddy!" The two chimed in together.
"Super buddy?" Arnav asked, chuckling.
"Yeah...just like superman...you fight bad guys all the time...so you're super Buddy!" Aditya grinned proudly.
The four kids gave out three loud chants of "Super Buddy" while the adults just chuckled at their innocence.
"Good job! I think that's a perfect name..." Angad patted Aditya's back and ruffled Amber's hair.
"Angad uncle! You ruined my hair!" Amber whined cutely. Sur simply looked scandalized. The two young girls stalked off into amber's room while Aditya and Prateek laughed boyishly before running out into the yard.
Angad sat on the couch opposite of Arnav's, pulling Kripa next to him and wrapping an arm intimately around her waist. Aman and Anjali also took seats next to each other, leaving the last seat for Khushi which was inevitably next to Arnav.
Khushi took a seat next to him and immediately she felt him slightly shift uncomfortably. The gloom clouds had returned back into that mind of his. This didn't go unnoticed by the couple sitting in front of them who exchanged a look. Not wanting to make him more uncomfortable, she stood up right away and announced that she would bring refreshments. Anjali also stood up and followed offering to help.
As the two women got busy in the kitchen, Khushi noticed that Anjali was lost in thoughts and barely paying attention to the task at hand. The cup she was filling with coffee was already overflowing.
"Anjali..?" Khushi called out to her.
Anjali jumped and the kettle nearly dropped out of her hand. She placed it on the counter and turned to look at Khushi.
"Something wrong?" Khushi raised her eyebrows.
Anjali seemed to contemplate whether or not to say anything. Khushi was about to tell her that she didn't have to if she didn't want to when Anjali took a deep breath, readying herself.
"Aman asked me out on a date." Anjali said as if the whole sentence was one single word.
Khushi took a second to process and then couldn't help but grin at her. "And...?"
"And what?" Anjali frowned.
Khushi rolled her eyes. "And what did you say?"
"I...I said...I need to think about it."
"That's fair enough...do you like him, though?" Khushi asked, almost laughing at her own question. She already knew the answer to that one. The sparks between the two were so obvious.
"I shouldn't." Anjali answered, lowering her eyes.
"That's not my question...I asked do you...not should you." Khushi said smugly.
"But Khushi...my past...and Sh-Shyam...Ishan...I'm a single mother...I'm not suitable for him..." Anjali said sadly, suddenly too overwhelmed to try and form complete sentences.
Khushi held Anjali's shoulders and turned her to face her. "He thinks you are suitable enough. That's why he asked you out on a date. He knows you're a single mother. He obviously has figured out that you have a past. H has fallen for the woman you are right now. He has-" Khushi spoke calmly, but Anjali cut her off.
"I have a dark past, Khushi...I...Who wants to marry a girl who was raped?" Anjali said bitterly.
"It was not your fault!" Khushi said a little louder than she wanted to. Khushi wasn't about to stand there and watch all these people get sucked into this dark hole called the past. Any time they seemed to move forward and move on, the past reached out with the clawed hands and pulled them back into the dark abyss. First Arnav, now Anjali. Khushi refused to let them go through this.
"Still...he doesn't know...I'm sure if he finds out, he'll walk away." Anjali smiled sadly.
"Stop trying to avoid my question. Answer me clearly...do you like him or not?" Khushi spoke sternly.
Anjali looked up at her and nodded. Khushi smiled. That was all she needed to know.
"Then give him a chance. Don't judge him based on how you think he'll react...you're just assuming things. If you want to give this a chance, and I honestly suggest that you do, and if you feel more comfortable with him knowing your past...then tell him. Tell him the truth and then deal with what happens. If he walks away then he wasn't worth a shot in the first place, and if he decides that it doesn't matter to him...then you might just discover the one who's meant for you." Khushi advised.
"How do I trust another man after everything that I've seen?" Anjali countered.
Khushi raised her eyebrows. "You were all for me giving Arnav a chance. I'm not asking you to trust the one who put you through hell...I would never ask you to give Shyam another chance...but as much as I know Aman...He's nothing like Shyam...or Arnav for that matter."
"What do you mean?" Anjali asked confusedly.
"See...you don't know that Arnav is known for his colossal temper." Khushi smirked.
Anjali gasped. "No way! Arnav? Angry? But...he's so...quiet...and...collected."
Khushi chuckled. "Quiet, yes. Collected, yes. But he used to have a bad temper...that temper earned him the title of a Lad Governor from me."
Anjali grinned knowingly, remembering that she had called him that. She had even shortened the Lad Governor' to LG'.
"But that's not the point...Aman is not horrible like Shyam and he doesn't have a temper like Arnav used to...Aman is calm, understanding, and very very patient. Trust me. He wouldn't have put up with Arnav all these years if he wasn't an epitome of patience." Khushi giggled.
"Hey!" Arnav said defensively from the entrance.
Anjali giggled seeing the look on his face while Khushi turned a beetroot red out of embarrassment at being caught talking about him behind his back. She composed herself quickly. How much of the conversation did he hear? Khushi ignored the question in her mind and focused on the last bit.
"What? Are you denying that you were a mountain of anger walking around your company, making all your employees cower and run for cover with a single glare?" Khushi arched an eyebrow.
Arnav smiled sheepishly as he walked up to them. "Everyone except you...and Aman." Arnav looked at Anjali and smiled. "I still don't understand how he puts up with me."
Khushi gave Anjali and I-told-you-so look. Anjali looked between the two and excused herself to give them privacy. Arnav stood in front of Khushi, the counter separating the two. Suddenly, the light-hearted feel lifted and Arnav frowned seriously.
"You would never let her give Shyam another chance...then why did you give me one?" Arnav asked as soon as Anjali had walked out of the kitchen.
Khushi's head snapped up to look at him and her eyes flashed. Arnav swallowed, suddenly regretting asking the question.
"Don't you ever...ever compare yourself to Shyam!" Khushi spoke through clenched teeth, making her last word sound like a swear word. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. A couple seconds later, she looked at him again, her face strangely composed. He had heard quite a bit of the conversation and Khushi knew she would have to choose her words very carefully.
"I've already given you my reasons for why I decided to give us another opportunity...and trust me...had Shyam and Anjali's situation been anything like ours...I would have supported her decision if she wanted to give him another chance...but it's not like that." She looked at him meaningfully.
"What happened with them?" Arnav couldn't help but ask.
Khushi smiled sadly. "Unfortunately, that's not my story to tell..."
Arnav nodded once. "I understand."
Things became silent then. Arnav seemed to be lost in his own thoughts while Khushi contemplated over something. A few minutes later, she decided it was best to ask.
"Why did you say you can't make the second promise?" She looked at him bravely.
Instantly, she saw the storm of pain, guilt, and regret stir in his eyes. She wanted to look away but she couldn't. He tried to form an answer to her question but he couldn't come up with anything that Khushi will find satisfactory. Nothing that she will believe right away and the truth wasn't an answer she would like to hear. But she knew him better than that. He should have known that she would know whether or not he put it in words for her.
"Seeing Priya reminded you of the past, didn't it?" Khushi asked.
He looked away and stared at the wall for a few seconds before nodding. No one spoke for the next couple of minutes.
"Let's get you settled in your room." Khushi said in a casual tone.
Arnav was surprised at the sudden change in the topic but soon he realized where this was headed. Helplessly, he turned and started following Khushi to the guest room.
The memories had resurfaced today in the hospital and he hadn't been able to shove them away. With everyone else's presence, it was easier to avoid looking at Khushi or being too close to her but now in the confines of the guest room, he wasn't sure how he would manage it without hurting her feelings.
"I need to talk to you. Sit." Khushi said calmly and pointed to the bed as she closed the door behind her.
She took a seat next to him as soon as he sat down and before he could move away, she placed a hand on his shoulder and enclosed his hands in her free hand.
"I know what's on your mind Arnav. I know what you're trying to do." She spoke in a quiet voice. "And I understand...I really do. You can take your time...whatever time you need to clear your head. There's just one thing I want to tell you. You may not be able to undo the past but you have neutralized your actions.
"Arnav...whatever happened five years ago was out of my hands and to some extent; it was out of your hands too...but that's done. What you did yesterday...by saving Priya...is prevent her from going through that...you prevented her from turning into another Khushi or another Anjali...anyone would risk their life to save a loved one but not many would do that for a stranger. You did. You risked your life to save her without a second thought...that girl will be forever grateful to you and I can't tell you how grateful I am to you as another woman."
He looked up at her at last with a heartbroken expression. "Don't." He whispered brokenly and looked away, staring at their entwined hands on his lap. He couldn't stand her being grateful to him for anything. He didn't deserve it. Not after what he had done to her.
Khushi shook her head, adamant about her decision. "You need to understand what you have done by stepping out of that car last night. It may not seem so significant to you but you have no idea what it meant for Priya. Whatever you did five years ago...your act last night is the closest you can get to undoing the past. A positive and a negative balance each other out Arnav. You made a mistake, yes...but when you saved Priya...in some way...you have balanced it out. If you've accepted your mistake and are repenting it...be sure to give yourself credit for saving her...give yourself credit where it's due. Don't overlook that."
She gave him time to let all her words sink in meanwhile trying to gather her own thoughts. A few long minutes later, she spoke again.
"Remember what I told you on the beach that day...about forgiving yourself first?" She waited for Arnav to respond. When he nodded in affirmative, she squeezed his hands and went on. "I think it's the perfect time to forgive yourself. Not because you have been punished enough...but because last night you truly earned yourself that forgiveness."
His head snapped around to look at her. Shock was written all over his face and his eyes showed the slightest tinge of uncertainty. But she was a mountain of calm and kindness.
"It makes sense, Arnav. Like I said, you've balanced out the scale as much as possible and I think it's the perfect time for that new beginning for yourself. Just think about it...you can take your time making a decision." Khushi smiled warmly at him before leaning in a planting a small kiss in the middle of his forehead.
She gave his hands one last squeeze and walked to the door. With one hand still on the doorknob, she turned to look at him.
"Arnav?" She waited until he looked up at her. "Do you trust me?" She asked seriously.
"Of course I do. With my life." Arnav responded right away.
"Then trust my trust in you. I've given us one more chance...I think it's high time you give yourself another chance." Khushi gave him another warm smile and then disappeared out the door.
*
[Purple Text = Arnav recalling Khushi's words, Blue Text = Arnav's inner voice]
"Not because you have been punished enough...but because last night you truly earned yourself that forgiveness." Khushi's words echoed in his mind over and over again.
Arnav sighed and looked up at the ceiling. He had spent the rest of the afternoon and a better part of the evening in the guest room, thinking about Khushi's words. He knew what she was trying to say. He understood what she was trying to say, too. But something kept stopping him.
"If you're seeking for forgiveness, you have to start with yourself. How can you expect someone to forgive you when you can't forgive yourself? But it's true, I just might forgive you the day you forgive yourself."
It didn't feel right...to forgive what he'd done. Even if he had to forgive himself. Forgiving others was easy. Blaming others is easy, too. Forgiving yourself for something when the guilt refuses to leave is twice as hard.
"When you forgive, you in no way change the past, but you can sure change the future. Change the future is what we're trying to do, isn't it?"
"The point is that I am still Mrs. Khushi Singh Raizada. The point is that I am finally giving myself a shot at happiness...that's why I'm here."
He knew, however, that she was right. They couldn't possibly aim for a happy future if they couldn't let go of the horrid past. Khushi, he knew, was way ahead of him when it came to that. How had she managed to give him a chance despite all he'd done, how she'd managed to lock away the horrid memories, how she seemed to be so comfortable around him, and how she tried to help him move on was beyond him. Shouldn't it be her who had a harder time letting go?
"Arnav...you can't hold on to every single emotion for ever...you need to learn to let go"
"You can't give up after convincing me to give this a chance. Wasn't it you who said that you would do anything to make this opportunity count?"
Yes, he had said that. He had promised that he wouldn't give up. Yet, it was him who couldn't keep the past out of his mind. He couldn't help the guilt that crept its way in whenever he was around Khushi. A part of him really wanted to let go of the guilt so that he could dive into this opportunity with Khushi. But another part of him, a significantly larger part, always taunted him and haunted him with the memories.
"The only person who can help you get out of this ASR mode...this purgatory...is me. And the only person who can help me through this is you."
"No matter how much you try, sometimes things just fall apart and there is nothing you can do to prevent that. Sometimes things get ruined and there's nothing you can do to change that. But persistence and honest efforts will get you where you want to be."
Hell, he wanted to be able to look at her without feeling guilty. He wanted her to be able to look into his eyes and not see guilt or regret...he wanted her to see nothing but endless love there. Love for her. He didn't want to shut her out yet he ended up doing just that every time past knocked on the door. He wanted to keep the memories at bay so that she wouldn't have to remember. He wanted to be able to let her in and not have her see how much pain was hiding within him.
For all that, he would have to let it all go. All of it. The guilt, the pain, the regret.
But how do you let go of something that has become a part of you?
Khushi is a part of you too. So are Amber and Aditya. Is your guilt and regret more important than them? Khushi wants you to let go, too. She has made it clear, hasn't she? Over and over again. You promised her you weren't going to give up. Your life depends on it, Arnav. Don't screw this up. You've done it once...don't do it again. She said she can't forgive you until you forgive yourself. Today, she asked you to forgive yourself. Do you realize that that means she's ready to finally forgive you? You just have to be willing to let her. And you do that by doing what she said...forgive yourself.
Arnav ran his hand through his head frustrated with his state of mind. There were too many conflicting emotions. But his conscious, which agreed with Khushi wasn't going to let the pessimistic Arnav take over today. Even if that meant putting the great ASR on a guilt trip again.
She stood by you during this case. Even you know it would have made more sense for her to doubt you. She had every right to. Her mind even told her to. But she chose to believe you anyway. She's giving everything she's got to this new opportunity and you're insulting her efforts by constantly remembering the past. By continuing to succumbing to the guilt, you're insulting the trust that she has placed in you again. There is more at stake for her than you, giving you a chance must have been difficult for her given the circumstances and yet, she's the one putting in more effort when it really should be you.
Arnav stopped pacing for a minute and thought over the words that seemed to echo in some distant part of his mind. He could feel the start of a headache and the tiny lump forming in his throat.
You have gotten your share of punishment from others. You have punished yourself enough and she doesn't even know about that. She doesn't know what shenanigans you've been up to in the past five years as a means of punishment. But now, if you don't let go, you're dragging her into the nightmare that you live. Every time you remember, she'll remember. Every time she sees the guilt in your eyes, on your face, and in your actions, she'll remember why it's there in the first place. Every time she sees you wake up from that nightmare, she'll remember. If you want her to stop remembering the past, you have to stop. You have to let go.
Arnav paced back and forth in front of the foot of the bed, trying to shut his mind up but his mind wasn't going to listen to him today. It went on a rant, constantly repeating the same sentences. Soon, Khushi's voice had joined in and it suddenly felt like someone had turned up the volume on his imaginary headphones. All he could hear was a mixture of his inner voice, mingled with Khushi's voice.
You have to let go. Let go. You're insulting her efforts. You've earned it. Forgive yourself. You have to let go. You have to let go. Let go. You're insulting her efforts. You've earned it. Forgive yourself. You have to let go.
"You can't lag behind. It has to be equal give and take." Kripa had told him once.
Arnav's head spun with the whirlpool of thoughts. A sharp knock on the door brought the whirlpool to an eerie halt abruptly. He stopped pacing and looked at the door.
"Come in." He called out when the person knocked again and even to himself, he sounded like a completely different person.
A second later, Khushi poked her head in and smiled widely at him.
"Dinner time! And you better get there before Angad and I clear off everything." Khushi teased and with another smile, turned to walk away.
"Khushi?" He called out to her. She turned to look at him questioningly. They stood in silence for a few seconds and then Khushi raised her eyebrows when he didn't say anything. The truth was, he didn't know why he had called out to her in the first place.
So feeling like a fool, he walked to her and shook his head in negative.
"Oh...kay then." Khushi frowned in slight confusion.
Arnav gave her a sheepish smile. Khushi chuckled and shook her head. Amber and Aditya ran in at the moment and whisked him away to the kitchen, leaving Khushi to follow the trio.
The next hour or so her kitchen was filled with chatter and laughter and sometimes Ishan's annoyed cries. The small dining table was occupied by the four children, Arnav, Aman, and Anjali. Khushi and Kripa sat on the kitchen's countertop while Angad leaned next to them and ate from Kripa's plate. As usual, Arnav and Khushi stole several glances and smiles at each other.
Khushi's heart did a weird flip every time she saw him feeding a morsel to either Aditya or Amber. She loved watching the father-twins trio. She could sit and watch their interactions all day. It gave her a sense of peace and completeness.
She sighed inwardly. She had done her part. She had given Arnav another chance...she had given their relationship another chance. She had even begun trusting him. All she could do now was hope. Hope that he takes her advice, hope that he tries to let go of the past, hope that he forgives himself so that she can forgive him. So that they can, finally, move on.
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