~My Premeer Takes~ Note Pg:16, 19/11/13 - Page 11

STARRY CONFESSIONS - HER STORY

"So, Heer you planning to unveil a tattoo this time too like you did before release of your last film with Prem or maybe you can just show us a glimpse of your old one as you obviously had not removed it despite you have broken up with him for a long time now?"

And my worst imagined situation just turned into reality. I had feared this since I started shooting for this movie, which is mine and my ex-boyfriend's first venture together after our breakup. I just knew that working in the kind of industry we are and being one of the most talked about stars around, I have to answer coolly every piece of s*** those leeches pose as questions.

God damn me, I cursed myself for the umpteenth time for being so reckless in signing this project with Prem. I thought I was mature and professional enough to separate my professional and personal life and two years are enough to get over somebody, and I was right to some extent as the shooting went without a single incident of me embarrassing myself in front of anybody including Prem, but despite of anticipating a situation like this in my head several times and also formulating appropriate answers, I admit now, I was over-confident while determining my abilities to handle the reporters being the a**** they really are.

And here I was sitting all dumbfounded; not having a clue how to tackle that question. Just then, Prem posing to be the ever charming gentleman (which I thought in past he was, but he is not and never will be), stepped in to rescue the damsel in distress.

"Well, I don't know why you media people think that whatever we actors do is for some film promotion. We too have a personal life in which we do things not taking into account their business value. We do certain things for a film but when we go home we leave all those behind us in studios, and you people better respect that. We can have tattoos or piercings or whatever we want to and keep them as long as we want too." Prem replied in a tone way harsh than it should have been.

If I had been angry at reporters' question, his answer left me fuming as I thought it somehow painted me as some love-sick fool still not able to cope up with the fact his and mine relationship is over for a long long time. But being the actress I was, I covered that up and once again snapped into action giving my co-star a fake smile and agreeing with him to ward off the reporters.

"Heer, you think this film might start things afresh for you and Prem, I mean the film could have been a trigger for you both to remember old times and live them again?" the stupid reporters were not yet ready to spare me as they obviously had sensed my discomfort but this time I was prepared. Prem was about to answer that too for me, I stopped him by putting my hand on his arm.

"Well I cannot agree more with Prem on anything when he said you people should respect our personal lives but as you people have nothing as a touch of tiny bit of respect for us, I must answer you. We checked our mutual attraction and chemistry and everything before working together again, and to disappoint you people, we have not found anything rekindling. Besides, we two have people in our lives and respective relationships, which once again is a personal matter." I delivered an apt response in a composed manner and gave myself a mental pat on the shoulder for apparently nailing it as the douche who asked the question was now settling back in his seat with his leer gone.

"Prem, do you agree with her?" the guns were finally turned towards him and I leaned back in my chair with relief.

"I think you people have nothing more related to our film to ask, which by the way is the main topic of this press meet, so Heer and I will take a leave and rest of our cast will join you people. Grill them now." Prem replied as he got up from his seat and started to leave. I followed him after throwing a smile towards media and press.

"Didn't go too well, did it?" Prem asked as soon as we were out of media's shot, backstage where there were just few spots and makeup artists running around never paying any attention.

The smile I had plastered for the benefit of media was now gone and the bitterness I felt towards him on his rescue of me in front of media was back with its full force.

"Well, what you expected from the leeches?" I spat trying hard to control myself. The whole shoot had gone without a hitch and I was able to remain collected around him and now it was coming to an end. I cannot let him see beyond my calm faade certainly not that he still evokes emotions in me, I chided myself.

Not once I had given him even inkling that I still garnered feelings for him, hatred it might be. I still have not been able overcome the pain his unfaithfulness had inflicted upon me. I still was mad as hell at him for doing that to me and I dare to admit beneath all that anger and resentment somewhere deep inside in my heart maybe I still loved him.

"You are somehow mad at me Heer, are you?" he asked with a wry smile.

"Why would I be? You just have an over imaginative thinking."

"Yeah you should not be, after all I saved your face in front of leeches..." said the ever righteous son of b**** and my control just snapped. I felt the anger burning fire in me and I just clenched and unclenched my fists several time before speaking up.

"Saved my face? Like hell you did that... and even if you did, you were the one responsible for all that s*** starting off in first place." I almost shouted.

"Have you lost it Heer? How the hell I am responsible, when it's your own god-damned choice to keep that god-forsaken tattoo still intact when it was a silly idea to get that in the first place." He retorted.

"Yeah, it was a silly idea to get that. But know what, Prem? At that time I had no idea I was in love with a guy like you, who jumped into bed with first co-star he got chance. Even though he still was in a much publicized relationship with me."

"I have apologized many a times for that Heer, and I will not do that again ever." This time he had his voice lowered because he also knew he was at fault for the end of our relationship.

"And no matter how many times I have told you it was alright, I forgive you. The truth is it was not OK and I never forgave you Prem. You don't deserve it. Because to be frank, you say sorry but never mean that."

"Even if you have not Heer I think you have taken enough of revenge from me. Several months after our break-up you kept on spilling venom about me. Forgot Koffee with Karan? You and Sonia did all to ruin my image, you embarrassed my whole family. Still I was cool about it coz I knew I was wrong to you." He reminded me of that infamous talk show episode I did with his co-star from his first film, Sonia Kapoor.

When I look back to that, I do feel I went much overboard and it did seem immature for someone in our profession but at that time I was wronged by him and I somehow felt that it would be right to say whatever he did to me; after all I had been quite a newcomer with just two movies in my hand. But that show definitely did not hurt his reputation. He is apple of this industry's eye. He belongs to an influential film family that everybody respected. Girls go gaga over him, if that show did bad to anybody's image, it was mine and Sonia's. We were taken in as desperate wannabes suffering from case of grapes are sour' as his parents made sure we looked like ones.

"Whatever Prem, I don't want to get into all that now. I accept it wasn't a wise decision on my part to work with you again, but I'm glad it's over now. I won't be promoting this film alongside you anymore; I am talking to Armaan to just put us separately. It would be better." I said calmly this time and then walked away towards my van without even waiting for his answer.

I shoed my assistant out as soon as I got in my van and took out a bottle of cold water from the fridge. I finished all of it in single breathe and then feel down on the couch. S***, s***, s*** damn me, what have I just done? I have successfully made a fool of myself in front Prem, for almost two years I had managed to keep serene pretense about my breakup with him.

After initial couple of months, I realized that my insistent ranting about the factors which led to our fall apart was doing more harm to me than him. My publicist pushed some brains into my head that whatever I was doing isn't doing any bad to him as he belongs to family which is almost royalty of Bollywood, and no one would pay me a heed against them.

And I corrected my ways by spinning a web of lies all around myself; I never talked in a bad manner about him, insisted we are good friends as the breakup was a mutual understanding, I have no issues with Katrice and his relationship and it never started behind my back, he is the nicest person I ever met but we somehow weren't right together; so on and so forth, the kind of stuff we actors say after end of a relationship. I was successful in fooling everybody including him.

Things started getting better, I got brilliant offers, numerous awards and dare I say I am almost as popular as him today. He was something way before he debuted in the industry by I totally am self-made, if we judge by that equation I am way ahead than him. And obviously I am as his mother, a veteran actress, who once considered me some gold digger and never spared a chance to speak ill of me even publically now actually pays me respect if we come across in some function. She also praised me in front of media several times. Well finally she realized I never intended to use them as ladder for my success.

Three months have passed since release of our film; it was a blockbuster earning both him and me many accolades. We came across in award functions and parties but I once again was in the best of my pretentious acts, I just acknowledged him with courteous detachment. And things were going fine for me, I had not found that much peace in last two years that I had in these months. I think my breakdown in front of Prem that day had provided me kind of closure I badly needed, I should have done that sooner.

He had tried to get in touch with me many times since that day but I never entertained him and I felt quite alright about it. It amazes me because after our breakup I always lived in a hope of him contacting me and that kept me restless but now things were so serene. Now any news about him and his precious little Katrice also did not bother me as much as it used to.

I tell you how badly I and my assistant Sandy who is also my BFF laughed at the leaked photos of Prem and Katrice's holiday in Hawaii. She had worn a mismatched bikini and maybe this was the reason she was so pissed at press, they got her not so attractive side. I even dared to throw a subtle comment on her during one of my interviews and it was taken in good spirits by the media.

Another thing that changed about me was I had no guy in my life for these three months. Soon after my breakup I had jumped into one meaningless relationship after another but I never found my peace but I last three months I felt I did not need to do that anymore. I personally called and apologized from the five guys that had been ditched by me, one of them even wanted to patch up, rest were just happy I cared.

I never knew men came in different versions, not everybody is Prem Juneja. Today if you ask me if I wanted to do anything with him I'd confidently say no but if you ask me do I still love him, I might not answer that. Well human heart has one crazy way of operating; it can confuse you beyond limits at times. I wish I had an answer to that question but I do not, not now at least.

My break was almost over I had a new film schedule lined up from next week. Well I was looking forward to start working now because although I believed I have found a closure, a peace with mine and Prem's relationship I still wasn't able to shake him off my mind ever. He crept into my thoughts in some way or another. And most importantly I still wasn't able to convince myself to get my tattoo removed.

I stood in front of mirror and got rid of my t-shirt. His name was peeking from beneath my bra right on the spot where my heart was. It wasn't something small; it was bold in ancient scrawl and proved to be a pain when makeup artists had to cover that up. I caressed it as I thought about our times together; they still made me smile like fools. He is my first love and people are right about it; you never ever get over your first love.

I was brought out of my reverie by sudden bang at my room's door followed by a flustered Sandy who was carrying several magazines and newspapers. I quickly pulled my t-shirt on. She dumped the heap of papers on my bed. And then took the newspaper lying on the top and tore into pieces.

"He is marrying that b****." she almost shouted.

For a second I did not get her but then the understanding dawned. I missed a couple of heartbeats; hell it felt like somebody squished my heart in a tight fist. I slowly went over to the magazines and newspapers and read the headlines one of them.

"Prem Juneja finally pops the question to Katrice Kaifi."

"Katrice is reportedly sporting a big solitaire in her ring finger, who other then Prem Juneja might have put that?"

"B-town's hottest wedding soon to happen."

"Prem and Karice both remained unavailable for comments."

"Mommy Nita Juneja spotted along with Bahu-to-be at famous bridal wear designer's studio"

I felt as if my heart sank and mind went into abyss; I could not process anything but then I collected my senses as my eyes fell on another headline.

"Prem proposed Kat with Heer's ring?"

I quickly grabbed the newspaper to read the whole report.

Our correspondent reported that the ring that has been spotted on Ms. Kaifi's finger is same as the one Mr. Junior Juneja got from a famous jeweler three years back when he was dating Heer Maan. When we consulted the salesperson that helped Prem back then he confirmed the news and added that Prem recently visited the store again to get that ring polished and adjusted into new size.

Prem and Heer - the longtime sweethearts - parted ways in 2011 (after their much publicized affair of two years that started during shoots of their first film together) when the later allegedly found out her beau cheating on her with Kat Kaifi. Prem who was seriously considering marrying Heer at that time neither accepted nor denied the reports. On the other hand Heer vehemently insisted them being all true for sometime before she retracted all her statements and declared the breakup as mutual understanding' ,which we later confirmed in our exclusive report, was result of Prem's parents apparent disapproval for Heer as their Bahu.

The duo was once again seen in their latest blockbuster where they seemed quite at ease with eachother and some people even went on saying that they would be back together. But our today's report put an end to long lost tale of Prem and Heer, confirming Kat and Prem's upcoming marriage. But the question remains, if Prem is over Heer and starting a life with Kat, why he could not get her a new ring? '

I smashed the paper on the wall and turned towards Sandy who was now looking at me with all the sympathy in her eyes. It disgusted me beyond limits and I cursed myself yet another time for not being able to get over that guy.

"Heer, you alright?" she finally spoke as she made me sit on the bed and knelt down in front of me caressing my hands.

"Yeah. Shouldn't I be?" I countered her with a wry smile on my lips.

"But I thought..."

"Hey Sandy, I still feel for him that I know and you know but the fact is we can never ever be together, I can never forgive him and he really seems to like Katrice. So it really is over." I cut her in said.

Well I had somehow satisfied Sandy about myself but obviously I cannot fool myself and my stupid heart, it was crying but I had to put up a brave face and never let anybody see what's happening inside me. I was thinking all that when I reached studios for the first day of shoot of my new movie. The launch party and mahurat pooja had been held the day before and I had met my co-star Ranvijay Singh.

I knew him superficially before through common parties and award nights but never knew he really was an interesting guy, he never let me get bored yesterday. Well he was by my side for the benefit of press obviously but I don't know why all his actions and gestures did not seem to be a pretense to me. He looked like a genuine person, as genuine as they can get staying in this industry.

My initial assessment about RV (as everybody called Ranvijay) was spot on; he was a very nice guy and had a heart of gold. He used to make everybody on the set feel happy and important. And as far as I was concerned, I had made a friend for a life time by signing this movie with him. During our endlessly tiring schedules in the scorching heat of Rajasthan, our pack up time had started bringing a smile on my face as just a couple of hours with RV left me relaxed and rejuvinated.

He had became my personal stress-reliever, all the gloominess that had taken residence in my heart since I read dreadful news about Prem's wedding somehow vanished when he was around. After that initial bombardment on the topic, media had nothing to say more. Prem being the smart a** he was, as neither accepted nor denied the reports, same was Kat's stance. But Nita and Rishabh Juneja had something to say every other week about how happy they were with Prem's choice and how eager they are to welcome her into the family. But I somewhere knew that this time around Prem is not letting them interfere too much in his life. They also seemed clueless to me.

Those occasional news pieces did spoil my mood but RV always remained there to support me through and cheer me up. I had told him all about mine and Prem's relation and how I still had some kind of feelings for him. RV never for once tried to betray my secret even on media's intense grilling at our wrap up party. Media had now assumed that I and he were in relationship and both of us never denied it.

Media would obviously assume that as long after release and success of our movie, we still attended parties and functions together. We also had several lunches and dinners as and when time permitted and never tried to make a secret of our friendship. We both used to regularly visit each other's sets. And when he had spleen injury while shooting some action sequence I was the one who stayed back in the hospital. He had slowly become my oxygen, when I was with him I breathed and talked and smiled but whenever we could not meet, I went into depression.

Sandy was sure he was in love with me but did not say anything as he respected my feelings which were still intact for Prem and he knew he would never ever be able to win my heart. I also felt the same and sometimes I felt revulsion against myself for not being able to reciprocate his feelings. I had secretly made up my mind I would say yes to him if he ever asked.

Days were going like that when the bomb finally exploded on my head and I received an invitation from Juneja's. Prem was getting engaged officially. I was once again back to square one. The stupid, silly, romantic girl who was till now in some kind of foolish notion that her HERO will be back to claim her, but well it never happened and my illusion had shattered; the invitation card with his name with another girl was staring back at me, making fun of that girl.

"What are you going to do, Heer?" Sandy asked me.

"I am going to marry the first person who proposes me." I replied coolly.

"That is so gonna be RV, but don't you think it would be wrong to him?"

"Well he knows I am not over Prem, and if he does decide to marry to me he would be giving it much thought." I said as I threw the invitation in the dustbin and went in my room.

Prem's engagement was next month and whole industry including the media was going mad reporting each and everything and the Juneja's were too very open about it. Somehow Prem never said anything although Kat was on cloud nine, happily chatting way whenever she got a chance to do that. RV being the darling he was, still supported me and tried to help me out through the bad times and I did pulled on a brave face for the sake of leeches who had been grilling me to get any snide remark on Prem and Kat's union but thanks to RV I had been all sane while dealing with them.

Just the night before Prem's engagement I called Sandy and she went mad with happiness on hearing my voice. I had been missing for last fifteen days with no contact; even she had no idea where I was. And the person who must have had a clue about me, RV was also not available and I knew, I just knew that my dear old friend Sandy had been worried sick about me.

"Where the hell you are Heer", her shrill voice almost pierced my eardrums.

"Chill Sandy, relax... I am alright."

"Where the f*** are you? You how difficult it has been for me to ward off media as Prem's engagement is approaching, they have nothing to say but the s*** that you have taken some kind of joog' or something that is why you are missing... and RV even he isn't returning my calls. I would have gone to him but he is out of country for a shoot."

"Sandy all the gossip will die soon. And I am all fit and fine, even enjoying myself on this amazing trip."

"Heer, stop being so smug and tell me where are you?"

"Well, I am on my honeymoon in Hawaii and I daresay even if some pictures got leaked which I am sure would not, I am making sure I always wear matching bikini..." I finally threw the bomb.

"What are you mad, what is this non-sense Heer? You and RV got married that too in secrecy?"

"I told you I'm going to marry the first person who asked me and I did, now my hubby dear is calling me; I have to rush... Bye Sandy, I love you." I quickly dropped the line.

I knew she would be flustered and angry but I deserved this after the hell I have been through. I deserved few moments of tranquility to properly enjoy my new relationship, I had earned that. I thought as I smilingly went into arms of my husband who I know loves me like crazies.