"I will miss you", sobbed Khushi against his chest, with both hands clutching his shirt front tightly.
Folding his arms tightly around her, Arnav's eyes filled with trepidation. Seeing her thus distressed felt almost unbearable to him.
"It's only for a few days, Khushi", said Arnav in a gentle comforting tone as Khushi wept uncontrollably on his shirt.
As his words slowly sunk in, she raised her tear-stained face and gazed up at him.
"Only a few days", she repeated with her eyes beginning to light up with hope. "Then you'll come back?
"No, I'll never come back here but I'll come to take you with me once I'll pass my examination and find a job somewhere".
With her face losing all traces of despondency, expeditiously, she was unable to believe her ears. Arnab had made it clear to her so many times in the past that he did not approve of her coming to his room that she found it hard to believe that he was actually wanting to keep her close to him, with him. Ignorant of the real reason behind his adamance to keep a distance between them, she had always nursed a hurt deep within her for being what she considered, rejected.
"You will come to take me?, she repeated dazedly.
After Arnab assured her with an amused twinkle that it was indeed his intention to take her with him, Khushi's childish heart encountered fresh reservations.
"But I am scared of sleeping alone. Can Thammi come too?
At this point, Arnab had started feeling uncomfortable himself and very prudently decided to change the subject..
"Uh..maybe. Now let's got upstairs, I need you to help me pack my books..".
Today is my lucky day, Khushi thought incredulously. This was the first time, Arnab was actually asking her to help him with something.
Smiling, Khushi relaxed her fingers and suddenly realized that she was still clutching his shirt and that his arms were still snugly around her. Assailed by a sudden excruciating awareness of his proximity, she caught her breath in her throat even as her heart began to painfully pound against her ribcage.
Observing the brushstrokes of rapidly changing emotions coloring her face, Arnab thought how absolutely endearing she looked in all her innocence and made no attempt to loosen his hold on her delicate form.
"WWe have to go upstairs to unpack the books..". Stammering slightly, she addressed his top button in a funny, unnaturally high pitched voice.
With his eyes filled with mirth, he tightened his hold in a delibrate fashion and said somberly, "Yes we have to. You're absolutely right".
With her heart continuing it's uncomfortable, crazy rhythm, she stared confusedly at the top button for sometime, while a pair of Koel indulged in a melodious singing duel in the background.
"But you're still holding me..", she said after a while in a breathless, innocent voice that made him want to laugh out loud.
Chuckling, he removed his arms wishing someone could fast-forward the passage of time.
Later that evening, Khushi sat in his armchair in the library with a book resting unopened in her lap and unshed tears sparkling in her eyes..
Arnab had not lingered after packing all his book and having them sent to the small rented room that he was sharing with his friend for the time being. After that he had sat in his mother's room for a while trying his best to console her and Thammi, while Khushi had quietly stood next to Thammi's chair..
"Why can't you just apologize to your father, he will forgive you. Why do you want to leave?, Aparna had said while sitting on the bed, with her eyes red and puffy with crying.
Getting up to sit next to her, Arnab had put his arm around her comfortingly and said softly,"Ma, he was the one who asked me to leave".
"So what? People say a lot of things they don't mean a word of in anger. You do too, but that doesn't mean that you cut off all ties with your loved one..", Thammi who was sitting in a chair had interrupted sternly.
Feeling a fresh wave of frustration wash over him, he said irritatedly, "Who said I'm cutting off all ties with anyone? I was asked to leave so I left. And right now I need to concentrate on my studies and really don't have any time to think about anything else".
An argument which both of them had to concede was a valid one and one that they couldn't counter with words at-least. After seeing Aparna shed some more tears, Thammi had finally spoken authoritatively and with a touch of impatience in her voice.
"Oh...just let him go, Aparna. He needs to study. After his examinations are over, will be a better time to talk to him".
After he was told of a plan to have home made food sent to him everyday and a servant checking on him morning and night, he was finally allowed to take his leave, albeit reluctantly. Arnab knew that his father and Pranab who were out on a tour of their villages would be arriving anytime now and he just did not trust himself to face him right now.
"And if you love your mother, you won't keep the company of these revolutionaries.", Aparna had called after her, with her voice tinged with fear.
Khushi had followed him downstairs feeling very close to tears herself and glancing at him, Arnab had said, "Now you don't start crying too..".
"I am not", said Khushi as they entered the library where Arnab had suddenly remembered he was leaving behind some of his notes.
As he took the notes down from a shelf with a grim expression on his face, Khushi watched him silently with a distressed face.
Aparna's words were reverberating in her brain and filling it with a lot of misgivings.
"If you love your mother, you won't keep the company of those revolutionaries...".
Arnab's own words came to her with painful clarity causing her heart to quicken with unknown fears.
"Can you really blame them, Khushi ? Especially after the noncooperation movement failed to achieve anything other than helping us realize that the British government is adept at prevarication and that it is highly unlikely that it is ever going to consider our demand for self rule, when it is not even willing to share power or let us have any say in governance. Not willing to give what is rightfully ours. Can you blame them for getting insanely frustrated? For getting desperate to a point where exploring impossible options seems to be the only option available to them..".Her uncharacteristic silence made his pause his arm in mid air and turn his head to look at her. If the distress on her face was clear to see, the turmoil in her heart was quite palpable to him too.
"What's wrong Khushi?, he asked.
Khushi remained quiet and bit her lower lip to stop the barrage of tears that were straining at the reins and seemed almost imminent now.
"I said, I will come to take you with me in a month or so..".
"It's not that..", she managed to say through her constricted throat.
"I don't want you to...to attend all those meetings..", was all she could manage to say. A simple sentence that was grossly inadequate to express the storm of raw fear raging in her heart.
Arnab's features became inscrutable, almost masked as he looked down at her. Then averting his gaze, he went back to sorting his notes on the table.
"Why?, he said in an almost casual tone.
"Because violence is wrong..", she blurted feelingly.
Arnav looked at her again and smiled a little.
"You're still a child, Khushi..".
"I mean not a child but very young still", he hurriedly corrected himself observing the sudden outrage on her face. After all her sacrifices, Khushi did not appreciate being addressed as a child at all, least of all by her husband.
"At your age, everything is either black or white...", he began dismissively, to be unceremoniously interrupted by his wife.
"What is wrong is wrong, age has nothing to do with it...".
Impressed by his rejoinder, Arnab decided to test her intellect some more.
"Don't you think that in some cases violence is necessary, like in self defense".
"Burning those policemen alive in Chauri Chaura wasn't self defense..", said Khushi quietly with her heart sinking lower and lower.
Arnab's eyes suddenly flashed with a fire that had simmered in their depths for almost all of his growing years. Taking a step to cover the distance between them, he cupped her face and gazed deep down in her eyes..
"If a stranger invades your home, forcibly takes all ownership rights away from you and treats you and your family with contempt and disrespect, wouldn't you as a self respecting person do something about it?, he said. The softness in his voice was a stark contrast to the intensity in his face, as he uttered them with spine-tingling clarity.
"Do you have any answer to that?, he asked .
Almost immediately afterwards, he was struck with remorse seeing the woebegone, vulnerable expression on her face..
With her eyes spilling over with tears, she said , "No I don't have an answer to that, I don't have an answer to a lot of things but all I know is that I can't lose you."
"I can't bear the thought of losing you", she sobbed throwing her arms around him..
"Khushi...", Arnab stroked her back comfortingly,..
"Khushi, I don't attend those meetings anymore...All I was trying to say was that you can't really blame them for doing what they are doing".
Feeling her trembling body racked with sobs, Arnab felt immense tenderness for her and wondered just how and when had his happiness become inextricably linked with that of this person in his arms.
"I won't attend these meeting, Khushu", he said affectionately, feeling her long tresses with his fingers.
"Promise?, she said looking up at him.
"Promise..", he said somberly, with the corner of his mouth curving in a smile.
Hari entered the library and announced with a sad face that the carriage had been readied for Choto Babu. Choto Babu was greatly loved and respected by the servants and a feeling of gloom had settled among them after they had got to know about the unfortunate turn of events.
As Khushi walked with him until the front door, she strained her mind to come with an answer to his question. Anything to make the other path seem less appealing, less acceptable to him.
"I want to say something before you leave..", she said timidly just inside the front double doors. The door was ajar and they could hear the horse neigh and impatiently strain at his reins.
Pausing, Arnab looked at her questioningly even as the golden twilight streamed in through the door and the hall resonated with the footsteps of the servants going around the haveli lighting the innumerable lamps one by one..
Answering his question with a question, she asked haltingly in very simple words, "What if you were trying to protect someone you love and you find that in order to do that you will have to possibly hurt an innocent person, would you still do that?
Staring at her with an undecipherable expression in his eyes, he seemed at a loss of words even as a mental image of a certain moonlit room and a pair of kohl rimmed eyes flashed in front of him with stunning clarity..
"No..", he said finally.
Silhouetted against the falling evening, they gazed at each other while beautiful smiles slowly began in their eyes before covering the distance to their lips...
An image that remained imprinted in Khushi's mind and heart for eons and with heartrending, soul searing clarity.
Because this was their last meeting...
August, 1926
There was a storm raging outside, with trees dashing against each other with primeval passion, brought on by the fury of the wailing wind. Another noise of an open window closing and shutting forcefully due to the wind came from afar.
"What's that noise?, Thammi, who was now blind in both eyes shouted out in her weak, quivering voice..
"Khushi!!", she shouted again, getting worked up.
"Coming Thammi...", said Khushi rushing inside the room.
"Are you alright?, she asked anxiously, her heart thudding in fear.
"Yes...I'm alright. There is a window open somewhere...Go close it, I can't stand that noise..".
Listening carefully, she walked down the corridor with a candle in hand. It didn't take her long to figure out where the noise was coming from.
Arnab's room.
With all color draining from her face, she stared at the bolted room, that hadn't been opened in two years. An avalanche of strong feelings, familiar feelings that were never too far from the surface, swept over her mind, body and soul.
With shaking fingers, she unbolted the door and pushed it open.
The once beautifully decorated and maintained room was in shambles. The mosquito nets were being whipped wildly by the fierce wind rushing through the wildly opening and shutting window. Like a ghost, Khushi slowly walked across it with a candle in her hand. Protecting the flame with her palm, she didn't even wince when her barefoot accidentally stepped on a shard of glass. This physical pain didn't even exist for her, when compared to the hot, searing pain that was cutting her heart in two right now.
Looking down almost mechanically, she stared at the broken lamp with the glass of it's shade scattered all around. Then something else on the floor caught her gaze. It was Arnab's journal, tattered and almost out of it's leather cover.
Kneeling down slowly, she picked it up with trembling fingers and opened it at a random page.
July the 22nd, 1922.
Why did the sight of those hands unsettle me so much? Those wrists, adorned with red and white bangles and those pale, taut knuckles, as she tightly gripped that doll...
Why does the thought that she is actually the person, I will be spending the rest of my life with fill me with such complex emotions? Even though I pity her, feel sorry for her, the uppermost thought in my mind seems to be that of revulsion. Revulsion at this custom, where a child is robbed of her childhood, of her innocence so early in life. Revulsion at the thought that men can actually delude themselves into believing that they see a woman in a child.
All I see is a scared child and my heart feels heavy at the thought that inadvertently, I have become a party to this abhorrent custom of our society, that inspires such deep rooted resentment and loathing in my heart...
These fine words written in royal blue ink by a vanished hand were now being showered with tears that threatened to completely erase them..
Hi Friends,
Sorry for this delay, AD has been really painful these last few days.
Please press like if you did like. This would really encourage me to keep writing..:)
And do leave a feedback / comment, if you can. Would really appreciate it :)
Love you all,
Jenny :)
PS: Khushi is 17 now..:
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