Disturbed Family Background!

Ok guys, I have story of my two friend/neighbor I just came to know. I thought I knew this people since long, however, they just told me some things about their life very very "casually". And they didn't make big deal out of it. I live in US since last 10ish years. I have seen lot of cultural positive/negative difference between two cultures and this is something to compare with our culture.

One of my friend is PhD and is very educated and successful person. However, he shared with me that he was "product of a rape". He just said me very lightly in our conversation and told me whole story and no big deal about it. However, I was pretty dazed with that. I could not forget it since couple days. He now is a successful person has a great wife and great living.

Now other friend is my co-worker. We were just talking about families and he said he is different from his family 'coz probably he is not one of them. They found him in a "ditch" (probably he meant they are not their biological parents and they adopted him from somewhere…). He is an engineer and manager at my work. He is great guy, very sweet and intelligent. He is also great human being with so much love. I have never seen hatred in him.

I was wondering what would happen to someone like this in India. What if your friend in India told you he/she is "product of rape" or "was found in a ditch"? Would your family be ok with your relationship? How would you feel about him/her? I was a very different person with different thoughts when I was in India. Probably 'coz of the environment you are in and our culture(now "culture" is very debatable issue, but we will keep it simple and in broad sense here). I really see these two gentleman as my "hero" now (to be frank, I might have looked down on them years back, not sure!). After going through lot in their lives they came out as winner and success. They didn't have bitterness or hatred in them. Do you think this has to do with broad minded society? Do you think we should accept our child's friend no matter of their background? Or you think that having friend from disturbed background could affect your child's way of thinking too? We know adults have different way to look at things then kids when they are young? Let's say your kid is growing up in very normal environment with mom, dad, grandparents and happy family picture. Now your child's his/her friend may have divorced parent, he might have adopted child from "product of rape", family who abuse a wife or child etc. etc. it is certain that his friend would discuss these issues at some point with your child...how do you think your child will be exposed to such things so early in their life?

Also, both one of my friend who is PHd he is in his 50s and my co-worker would be in his 40s and neither one has children. Not i know now having kids have tons of reasons and its couple thing, but do you think it "may" have to do something with their childhood?

I live in the US, I moved here from India when I was eight. I have family in India and in the US. I think that my family in india would not be ok with it, I guess its just the way people live in India. I know that my family here would be ok with it because its justt the sociaty we live in. I mean in the US we get to see and here alot more then India.

there are many toughts that passed through my mind as i read that:

your friends have had a bad start but somewhere on the way they must have been blessed because they do not seem to be bitter about it. they have been able to adjust to their reality and move on. not everybody in their position should come out winners. many would make that an excuse for all their failures.

it is definitely their acceptance of their reality that makes them outspoken. this combines with the fact that in their environment such things are talked about and they are not unique.

how we respond to these people would depend on our background, our upbringing and our tolerence level. we often live in close worlds and are sure that what we believe in is the only truth.

the kids rarely break their heads over differences that they see around them. go to any classroom in the world and there will rarely case of kids who cannot be friends because they are culturally, religiously or moneytarily different. its as they grow up that they learn to respond from the responses they see in the adults around them. if you do not have a problem, they will be fine too...

Same here, I think it is a very touching story BG, u opened my eyes. The environment in India is not friendly towards people with aberrations in any form. So much prestige is attached to having a child of your own, that people go to such lenghts to have it, instead of adoption, which could be the first option but it is the last resort, coz parents are afraid they will have to hear taunts. Imagine if a thing like a child ( a outcome of rape) is adopted by families, first thing the secret will never be told. Secondly the child will be badly adjusted, always supressed.
signora2

That's the greatness of this country. India too has many things that make us proud, our heritage, culture and the family bonding. But here people do look beyond their own family and own people. A country where the word "freedom" is rightly used. Can we imagine Bush going to any other country and call that country's ruling President/Prime Minister a "devil" and get away with it easily?

We Just have to Keep a thing in our mind , Religion Or Culture.........That make us Different From Others.

[quote=sowmyaa]After going through lot in their lives they came out as winner and success. They didn't have bitterness or hatred in them. Do you think this has to do with broad minded society?[/quote]
God bless those families where these guys were brought up! Such kids can only survive with such a great moral and social support. Yes in these cases the broad minded society and its equal social acceptance for everyone has to be applauded! Also believe it or not but this is one of the strongest arguments in this country to ban abortion. They claim and promise the greatest life for unwanted children through church or through adoption agencies. However examples and discussion like this always throw me in thinking about the nature vs. nurture phenomenon and every time I think I've made up my mind I'm confronted with new theories.
Sadly in India the poor hardly have any means to feed their own family let alone supporting orphans. Discussion on ramification would be quite heartwarming though.

i have to say that both society's openness and the general social structure determine the way unwanted kids are brought up.
In India we put too much emphasis on bloodline or genes, which makes the idea of adoption almost a rarity .Also while in India the orphanages are almost overrun with kids and bad management....making most of the kids end up on the wrong side of law, brothels or die , In USA you have a waiting list...some people wait for as long as 5 years to adopt a child. Not only this ,even stepchildren are considered excess baggage in most cases.This pretty much spells out the difference in attitudes.
Another problem is the virginal view or the insistance of occurance of any offspring within tight confinements of marital relationships. this makes the products of rapes unwanted. how many women survive the experience of rape in India...almost always she is pushed to be silent about it or is treated like a leper in the society driving her to a suicide or a life of prostitution. Indian society is also not very forgiving to unmarried mothers. even celebrities like nina gupta have had a hard time getting away with it.
when the above two attitudes come together...we end up with a very constricting society that does not allow for mistakes..which is how i would define India.

I wouldnt be judgemnetal...I would love them for being my friends...
this when I have been born and brought up in India...

I hate it when ppl generalise that the Indian society is conservative and narrow minded in its view...we could have such ppl in the US as well...ur opinion on such matters is a very individual and personal thing which is affected by your values, your level of education, your experiences in life etc etc

Originally posted by: sowmyaa

Also, both one of my friend who is PHd he is in his 50s and my co-worker would be in his 40s and neither one has children. Not i know now having kids have tons of reasons and its couple thing, but do you think it "may" have to do something with their childhood?

Both of your friends / colleagues indeed have a touching story. As you mentioned in the earlier part of your discussion, I agree that majority of Indians could & should become a bit more open-minded about such issues / children. I also think that things related to adoption of such deprived kids are actually improving even in India. I am just very against sexual discrimination still prevalent though🤢.

Now coming to the real question you asked. Their childhood may or may not have an influence on their choice not to have a kid. I observe that many a times, a parent deprived something in their childhood (in this case, a sense of biological belonging ), tries to over-compensate for that, when he/she has his/her own children. Moreover, since your friends' forster parents gave them a great opportunity to lead life, a good life in fact, they should not have bitter memories of childhood.
It must be dishearteningfor them to live with a feeling that there is no known blood relative known! Should that not enhance their need to want to have a kid who s blood-related?
The above two points argue against their lack of desire to have kids. but again, who knows what the psychology of a deprived / dejected child is and how deep the scars of being rejected by biological parents are!