Firstpost: What we know about Ranbir's Besharam

What we know about Ranbir Kapoor's Besharam from its trailer

by Deepanjana Pal Jul 31, 2013

Now, down to business. First, why is Ranbir Kapoor doing an exotic dance while peeing? He seems to be alone in the field so for whose benefit are these pelvic thrusts and swings? Is he turned on by mustard flowers?

Also, who pees like that? Yes, we know that Bollywood is all about the suspension of disbelief, but surely it isn't too much to expect that the physics of peeing aren't forgotten in a film directed by a man and whose star is a man? These men have experience of peeing and, one hopes, realise what an unholy mess follows if you dance and pee simultaneously.

Ok, boys and girls, get your notepads out. If the neon is to be believed, Kapoor is the following:
Badmash
Awara
Robdaar
Hoshiyaar.
Said altogether, it sounds like the announcement of an ancient town crier.

Then we see Kapoor in a suit made of golden wrapping paper. The voiceover informs us, "Mere seeney mein dil nahin hai dost, jigar hai jigar. Aur woh kabhi tootna nahin." This translates to, "In my chest, there's no heart, my friend. There is a liver, a liver. And that never breaks."

First of all, a liver in the chest cavity is so not normal. Second, how is the botched up state of your internal organs related to either the wardrobe choices or that party we're being shown? Third, if we're going to be literal about it, hearts don't really break either. And compared to the misery that comes with cirrhosis of liver, maybe heartbreak is preferable?

But let us not get mired in medical theory. Kapoor, urf Babli, is wearing a golden suit and thrusting his crotch at the audience facing him. We get a view of his tush as he does his version of a booty shake. Charming.

Oh wait. Now he's on the floor, on his back and the crotch is coming right at us. Let us now take a moment to say a prayer of thanks thatBesharam will not be releasing in 3D. Amen.

This seems like a good moment to point out Babli isn't precisely a very manly name. Not that this has bothered real-life Punjabis (Lovely Singh, Honey Singh and Tiny Singh, raise your hands and do the bhangra now), so why is it worth pointing out in Besharam? Because, let's face it, Ranbir Kapoor isn't exactly an example of the swarthy, in-yo-face-bebeh Punjabi lad who seems ridiculously wrong for a cutesy, girly name. It doesn't matter how much he grows his chest hair or how many buttons he leaves unbuttoned, the reaction to Kapoor remains "Awww! So cuuute!" as opposed to hubba-hubba.

We've now seen about 1/3 of the trailer and we still know nothing about the story of Besharam. Unless Ranbir Kapoor staring at himself and lovingly running his fingers through his own chest hair is a critical plot point.

The crotch, however, does seem to be a very important feature ofBesharam. If Babli isn't thrusting it, he's clutching it and if not anything else, the camera's got its eye on it. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, no prizes for guessing the director of this film is a man. (Note: We're not judging; just observing.)

Babli's love interest spotted at 1 minute and 1 second. She looks perplexed, which makes sense since Babli's flirting techniques include the observation that she has rabdi running in her veins instead of blood. We're not sure if that's a clue that there's a dairy angle to the (still unclear) plot of Besharam. However, love interest does get to say a line with the title of the movie in it. It's also her only line in the trailer. Yes, she's clearly critically important to the plot.

After having repeatedly stroked his chest, Babli now is seen sensuously stroking his own bottom. There's a lot of self-caressing in this film. Maybe this is the film that will tell the story of the Indian Youth after all.

At 1 minute and 30 seconds, we still know nothing of the plot ' other than the film is about a man called Babli who likes to touch himself and dance and say odd things to women ' but we have the first explosion. Hurrah.

Enter Neetu and Rishi Kapoor, real life parents of Ranbir Kapoor who are playing cops (named Bulbul and Chulbul) in Besharam and introduce themselves to Babli as his pappa and amma. See what they did there? Nudge nudge wink wink. And look! Babli just called Chulbul a fatty and made a Dabanng reference ' two in-jokes in one sequence! ZOMG! That's like cray-cray!

Yes, we do only the most sophisticated comedy here in Bollywood. If you had any doubts on this score, there's Babli with white paint all over his hair and face, save the area spared because he was wearing glasses. That's your cue to giggle, in case you were wondering.

While Babli is doing stunts all over wherever the hell Besharam is set (please god, let it not be Benares again), let us recap what we know of the plot. Babli dances indecently, has terrible pick-up lines and drives very badly. This behaviour, and hopefully other slightly more problematic antics, lead to him being investigated by Chulbul and Bulbul. The investigation involves Chulbul being wrapped in a quilt by Babli and a strange person firing a bazooka at Babli. Why? We're not quite sure. It seems a little excessive a response to Babli having misused public property by dangling like Tarzan from a lamppost.

Enter the real villain at 2 minutes 5 seconds: Jaaved Jaffrey. Yes, he's alive and acting. In a very deep voice. Grrowl. For some reason though, Kapoor seems to have inhaled some helium while dubbing for Babli. Oh wait. That's him being funny and downmarket. Just like when he scrunches up his face and exaggeratedly waggles his eyebrows. Or pulls out a sock from his pants (it's that crotch again) and goes 'Aaooh' (a la Shakti Kapoor). Whaddaymean you're not laughing? Come on. Look at that adorable face of Babli's. He's so sweet and trying so, so hard ' you've got to be at least grinning.

By the end of the trailer, we have only three more bits of information about Besharam. One, there's a lot of flying kicks that Babli has to do. Two, at some point, Babli in his golden suit avatar turns into a desiMagneto. Not that this explains why he's making flappy-wing motions with his hands, but anyway. Three, every lead character screams at least once. Minor details like the plot remain a mystery, but hey, it's titledBesharam and there's a lot of Ranbir Kapoor's crotch in Abhinav Singh Kashyap's new movie. What more do you need to know?

https://www.firstpost.com/bollywood/what-we-know-about-ranbir-kapoors-besharam-from-its-trailer-999929.html