Arakshi fic "When there are no words" Pt 8 16/02 - Page 8

Originally posted by: littlebrat

<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">really well crafted update...loved it</font>

<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">poor saakshi how can she be left like that well yea its sakshi who moved out but arjun he is using her without accepting that she is somewhere part to him...his mind...his soul and he can't just use her when he wants to come out of his so called troubled mind...stress...depression or whatever</font>

<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">well lets see what comes up next do update soon</font>

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."

~T.S. Elliot 

(Warning: This part is quite lengthy. And by far, the most angsty and depressing. If you were offended or hurt by something, my apologies!)

Part 4: Is this the beginning or the end? 

"Arjun?" She jumps at her feet, shocked to the core.

Dressed in a crisp white shirt and faded denims, he is every bit the man she knows. However, something is wrong with him. Very wrong. His posture is unnaturally stiff. His fists clench and unclench in a rhythmic pattern. His eyes have reduced to slits, merciless, unnerving. His face is hard, ashen. He gasps for breath. Like someone is choking the life out of him.

It instigates fear in her. Deep and profound fear.

"Arjun?" she calls again. No response.

She takes tentative steps towards him. One. Two. Three. With each step, the fear magnifies. She does not know what scares her. That, he is almost catatonic or that, he might hurt himself.

She rewinds the conversation in her head. If his reaction is anything to go by, then, he probably heard almost all of it.

"Arjun?" She reaches him, touches his cheek briefly. Almost immediately, he breaks from his trance like state and jerks away from her touch.

"You are keeping the child." His tone is not accusatory. It is not a question either. It is just a statement.

She is unsure how to respond to it. He knows. He overheard her conversation with Aisha. She should be angry. She should be. Somehow, she is at a loss.

"How could you not tell me?!" His voice raises an octave. There is an edge to it. A malevolent edge.

The fear returns with a vengeance.

Is he going to hurt her? Is he that f**ked up to hurt her, hurt his own child? Instinctively, her hand reaches to her stomach.

"Stop it, Sakshi. Stop it. I am not going to hurt you or our child." He steps back, tension palpable in his stance.

A deafening silence engulfs them. The air crackles with the intensity of it. The cacophony of the party is distant. It seems surreal. Nothing makes sense any more.

"Why did you not tell me yesterday? Why did you not tell me that you are keeping our child?" his voice is barely a whisper.

Another round of shock courses through her. There is something so raw and broken in his whisper that her heart aches.

"I thought-I thought you knew.." she is confused. Bloody confused. Since when does he care? No, Sakshi, no. Don't be disillusioned by this. He didn't care for the last 4 years. Why would he care now?

"You thought?!" his voice booms. She stifles an involuntary shudder. Nevertheless, he continues, "You know what I thought? I thought you wanted out. I thought you were leaving because your being pregnant with my child spooked you. I thought you wanted to start afresh. To leave behind everything that has to do with me."

What?!

Incredulous by his words, she staggers a little in her place. Her head spins, it hurts. Very much.

Then, everything blacks out. Her name from his lips is the last thing she senses.

~.~

Everything is a mess. Especially her head.

"Sakshi, Sakshi, are you okay?" She hears. The voice looms somewhere above her. It is a familiar voice, it sounds urgent and concerned. She wants to get up, at least open her eyes. Answer in some manner. But she is so tired. So damn tired. And this is comfortable. She just wants to sleep. Maybe the voices will fade away.

Someone shakes her. She gets that familiar feeling again.

"Sakshi?" That someone calls her in his deep, baritone voice.

Sameer? Her eyes flutter open then. Indeed, the person is Sameer Rathore. He looks at her with worrisome eyes, four other people peep around him. Recognition floods her senses as well as the memories of her last conversation. Just as the memories cascade upon her, her eyes, on their own accord, search for him. 

And he is there. 

Standing at a corner like he owns this place with his arms crossed. Looking at her with an inscrutable expression on his face. Although, his eyes.. his eyes are a different story altogether. If she didn't know him so well, she would have missed it. She would have mistaken that look in his eyes to nothing. But she knows now. She knows that his eyes are probing her, calculating her, studying her. His eyes have the mad gleam which is present when he is solving a puzzle, a murder mystery.

She must have stared long because his gaze falters a bit. Consequently, she averts her gaze quickly. If he hadn't been there, she most probably would have thought that the conversation was a figment of her imagination. But he was there. And it was not a dream.

So much is left unsaid. So much is left unheard. There are questions. Thousands of them. But she has to wait. For the right time, right place.

"Sakshi?" Sameer snaps his fingers in front of her face. It severs her mind from her consuming thoughts, rushing her back to reality.

"Are you okay?" He asks her, gently. Aisha touches her thigh in a comforting gesture. Shree, Chotu and Liza stare solemnly at her.

Though her throat is dry, she manages to speak in a croaked voice while getting up from her resting position. "Where are the others?"

Sameer helps her and pushes a cushion on her back to support her as Shree informs her, "We thought that it would be better for them to leave. Perhaps, it's quite late and they have to report to ETF tomorrow." His statement is met with snorts and snickers from the rest of the team and she can't help but venture a smile of her own.

Now that her brain seems to be functioning properly, she finds that she is lying on her plush couch which is surrounded by her team members with the exception of Arjun, of course. Her throat is dry, she still feels a bit dizzy and there is a film of sweat which covers her forehead. But overall, she feels normal. Maybe passing out was one of pregnancy thingies? Or maybe she stressed herself a bit too much. Whatever the reason was, it makes her oddly anxious.

"Sakshi, here you go." Aisha hands her a glass of water which she gulps in a single go. The dryness ceases and she feels a lot better. She is still contemplating the reason for the sudden loss of consciousness, when Sameer jolts her out of her thoughts. "What happened? Arjun said he was talking to you one moment and the next moment he knows, you slumped onto the ground. He, at once, brought you here. Since then, we have been trying to wake you up. Are you sick or something?"

Seeing his worried disposition, she offers him her trademark smile. "No, no, I am alright. I guess I drank too much, more than that is tolerable." It doesn't escape her notice either that in her peripheral vision, Aisha raises her eyebrows at her and gives her one of her Stop-lying looks. And Arjun.. he flares his nose at the mention of alcohol.

Curious.

"Okay then. Now, that you are okay, we should leave." She starts protesting, but he cuts her off. "No, Sakshi, you should rest. We will see you tomorrow at the airport okay?" He squeezes her shoulder reassuringly.

One by one, her team bids her good night and leaves. Aisha leaves the last and before leaving, she tucks her inside her bed and whispers with sisterly care, "If anything happens, call me. And take care of yourself and junior, okay?" Sakshi nods in affirmation. Satisfied, Aisha brushes her hair out of her eyes and giving her a parting glance, leaves as well.

She is almost on the brink of sleep when someone's shuffling footsteps wake her out of her stupor. She almost forgot that he is still there. With half open eyes, she calls, "What do you want, Arjun? I am too tired." Both physically and mentally, she adds in her mind.

Yes, it is Arjun, indeed.

As he saunters inside her bedroom with uncertainty and hesitation in his posture, she gets a sense of dj vu. It cruelly reminds her that he has been to this bedroom and to this bed for the last six months or so. A kind of portentous feeling settles in the pit of her stomach.

Within the spur of the moment however, the uncertainty and hesitation that was there in his regard transform into determination.  A different kind of determination.

"I am not leaving until I get some answers," he replies in a deadpan tone. There is no escaping it. That much is clear.  

She heaves a sigh. A fatigued sigh. Because as much as she doesn't want to face it, this is inevitable. His reaction to the mention of alcohol is testimony enough to his proclamation. Perhaps, she needs answers too. Then, there is the whole sleep issue. Because the faster this inquisition is over, the easier it will be to get on with her life. God knows, she needs to move on.

But first- she swings her legs to the left side of the bed, her feet touch the carpeted floor, her head spins a little (Arjun lunges forward to hold her just in case but one simple gesture of raising her hand and he backs off). Meanwhile, her other hand clutches the headrest and she steadies herself. Taking a deep breath, she closes her eyes to stop the dizzying effect. That being taken care of, she proceeds albeit with wobbly legs and grabs the nearest chair. Arjun mutely watches the whole procession, sort of befuddled by her bizarre action of self inflicted discomfort.

Honestly, she herself has no idea why she did that.

Probably, it had something to do with her not wanting to feel weak and frail. Not to mention, her discomfiture at the fact that she was lying in the same bed in his presence where previously, they had stolen moments of passion. She just felt the need to sit upright during the so called interrogation, period.

When the silence stretches a bit too long, she quickly speaks up, "You can ask me what you want, only on one condition: you have to answer my questions too." He is reluctant but eventually after much deliberation he concedes, giving her an imperceptible nod.   

Without any preamble or further silence, he asks, "How the hell could you consume alcohol?!" His tone mirrors his barely controlled anger.

She had expected it. "I did not. I lied to Rathore for lack of some better excuse." And before he can refute her claim, she beats him to it. "If you don't believe, ask Aisha. Wait.. you were there. Didn't you hear everything?"

"I only overheard the latter part of this conversation."

In other words, the part of the conversation where she tells Aisha about keeping her child.

Perfect timing.

Now, it is her turn to ask question.

"Why were you here in the first place, Arjun?"

He looks away from her. "I don't-I don't know."

"That is no answer, Arjun."

"But it's the truth. I don't know why I came to see you. Trust me; I have been trying to find the answer to this question for the last six months." He looks at her then and his face reflects some of his sincerity.

And just like that the heartache returns. The feeling that he never wanted this, never wanted her, grips her. But before it shows on her face, she bites her lower lip to keep her emotions in check. She cannot break in front of him. No way.

She hides her face from his examining stare, breaking their eye contact. Running her hand on her burgundy colored kurti, she gears herself for the next question. She is suddenly very sensitive to every sound and every movement in the room.

"Why do want to keep the child?" His tone is a mixture of curiosity and anxiety.

She frowns a little. Indeed, why? Was it because she wanted to be a mother? Was it because she could not bring herself to kill her unborn child? Or was it entirely because it was his child.. that maybe she cannot have him in her life but having a part of him somewhat healed that searing pain every time she looked into those black, bottomless pits? Questions, questions. Alas, there are no answers.

"I could not bring myself to kill my unborn child. That would have been murder." It is partly true, isn't it?

He doesn't seem satisfied by her response. So, he presses a little. "What about everything? What about your career? What about your parents? Will they accept our child?" He seems agitated. Bewildered.

Our child.. He says 'our child' and her heart flutters a trifle. Because in the midst of all the chaos, all the hurt, that bit was true. Even if it was a mistake, she was pregnant.. with his child. Oddly enough, she didn't regret it.. and he needs to know that.  

"I don't care, Arjun. The knowledge that he is there, growing inside me.. and nothing matters anymore. There is a reason why I am leaving Arjun. I don't have anybody here"- he looks sharply at her-"I lost my mom when I was four. My dad.. my dad is lying in a hospital bed, comatose"- her breath hitches- "I will take that job in London and I will take care of my baby. If other single mothers can do that, I can do too."

Breathless by her mini-tirade, she sinks heavily in her chair. She had not wanted to reveal about her past. About her parents. About her deepest and darkest pain. She had carefully hidden it for the last four years. Like he had hidden his past. His wife.

He had not told her about Roshni. No. She had chanced upon it while researching some case. If anything, it had only increased her respect for him.

That what why she was attracted to him. The pain, they had it in common. She knew what it was like to lose someone. To lose the person you love. And she had seen it in his eyes. The loss.

She wants to hate him. She really does. Even now, after revealing her dreadful past, he has nothing to offer her. No comforting words. No soothing gestures. Nothing. Only his blank stare. Indifference. Coldness. Detachment.

It is so easy to hate him, despise him but she can't, howsoever she wants. Maybe she is f**ked up to fall for someone like him. Fall for a man who can never love her, never appreciate her, never hold her in his arms, never be her always. Never..

"I am sorry.. about your parents." He says abruptly. It is so quiet, so quiet that she thinks she is imagining things. But she saw his lips move. And-and-and.. she is flummoxed.

Those three words. Those three words and her world shifts. Suddenly, something like hope flickers. Hope. Such a dangerous word. Because she thinks, maybe he is not that inhumane. She hopes. He doesn't offer further but it is a start. Of something.  

"Don't you-don't you have a boyfriend?" He continues in the same quiet tone as if he hadn't just told her that he was sorry.  

And with that, that hope.. that tiny ray of hope burns out.

"How could you have the audacity to ask me something like that?! What do you think of me? You think that I am a cheater? That I f**k one man and profess undying love to another? Don't look so indignant, Arjun. Your words tell me exactly the same. That we have been doing nothing but screwing each other. Enough is enough. Just go. Just leave." She jumps from her sitting position as words tumble one after the other in a scalding statement.  Tears of frustration well in her eyes. She can tell he is hurt. Appalled even. Good. He deserves it.

Panic, hurt and something else flits across his face. He takes a step towards her. "Look, Sakshi.. I didn't mean it that way.. It came out all wrong.. How could I know? We never talked about this."

"Talked?! When do we talk Arjun? We never talk! We walk away, we hurt each other, but we never talk, Arjun!"

And before she can stop herself, she whispers, tears running down her face, "What am I to you, Arjun? What do I mean to you? What does this, whatever this is, mean to you? Is it just the sex?"

Outside the clouds thunder, the winds howl, a storm rages, spelling gloom, devastation and loss. She feels the same.

He takes another step in her direction. "I-I don't know, Sakshi. I don't know what you mean to me or what this relationship means to me.. All I know is that you don't have to do this alone. You are not alone. I will be there for our child. I want to be there for our child. I want her in my life." I don't want to be bloody alone, damn it!  

For the first time, she sees some cracks in his faade. She finds fissures in his mask. Her eyes rake his face. For lies. For deceit. She doesn't find any. It can't be. No. He cannot want this child. He walked away when she told him about her pregnancy. Then, how could he? Suddenly, snippets of her conversation with him in the courtyard strike her.

.. I thought you wanted out..

.. Your being pregnant with my child spooked you..

.. You wanted to start afresh..

.. leave behind everything that has to do with me..

"I don't believe you. I DON'T! Because I don't know if I should believe your silence or your words. I don't know if I should believe your anger or your pain. Your indifference or your want. I DON'T KNOW!"

She crumbles in front of him. She hits the floor and closes her eyes and quivers with the sobs. She cannot do this. She cannot deal with this heart wrenching pain.

"Sakshi.." Her eyes shoot open. He is there. Cupping her face. His expression contorted.

"Don't go, Sakshi. I-I need you."

"You need me. But do you want me, Arjun?"

Silence.

"See, that's why I need to do this alone Arjun. That's why I should to leave. We are two messed up people who, to cope with loneliness and grief, turned to each other. But we are not good for each other, Arjun. We never were. We never will be. You destroyed me, Arjun. You destroyed my hopes, my soul, with your words, with your silence, and with your actions. I don't want to hurt anymore."

With this, she extracts her face from his palms and stands up, wiping her tears in the process. He continues kneeling in front of her, immobilized.

Miserably, "Don't do this, Sakshi. Our child needs me too. Stay for her sake."

"No, Arjun. It's not enough for me. After everything we have been through, after the near death experiences, after waiting for you all this time.. these words are not good enough."

He is still on his knees when she says, "I need you to leave.. This arrangement, or whatever you want to name it, is over."

And everything is lost.  

~.~

Next: Part 5