Two months ago...
When Aarti bhabhi had declared that Aayu was and would officially be her and Prateek's son, Paridhi had expected to feel a sense of accomplishment and peace of mind: this is what she had wanted, what she had so desperately fought for. She had brought Aayu home as her own after all, and he was as much her son as he was Aarti and Yash's. She kept repeating this to herself as a feeling of restlessness and dissatisfaction persisted. At first she had blamed it on her inexperience. Soon, she convinced herself, she too would feel that connection to Aayu, he would fit perfectly into her arms the way he did in Aarti's and her face too would light up with profound love when looked at him. But it never happened. As the days went by, Aayu continued to feel uncomfortable and heavy in her arms and whenever she held him, she was overcome by a sense of desperation, of not knowing what to do and how to connect with him. His eyes often regarded her with a teasing expression, inviting her to abandon her responsibilities and play with him. Sorely tempted as she was, she felt weighed down by the word, the idea of being his "mother."
She had been forced to face reality when Ishita had abducted him from the hospital, where she had taken him for his vaccinations. She had chased after Ishita because of her promise to Aarti, because that was what she was supposed to do, but the whole time she had felt empty inside, purposeless and directionless. When the stranger had caught Aayu in the nick of time and thrust him into her arms, he had felt heavier and more foreign than ever. Wasn't she supposed to feel relief that he was safe? As his mother, wasn't she supposed to feel overwhelming joy that he was back in her arms where he belonged? Instead, the relief had come when Yash bhaiyya had almost snatched him away; her arms felt light and the burden that had constantly weighed on her heart for days suddenly lifted. For a split second, the world righted itself as she saw the little one in Yash's arms, being kissed and held as though he was the most precious thing in the world...
And then everything went spinning even more wildly out of control.
As soon as Aarti had come home from Bhopal, she had shot to the nursery to check on a sleeping Aayu. The restlessness in her eyes, her excitement on seeing Aayu had filled Paridhi with gnawing self-doubt. "I must not be maternal at all," she thought to herself bitterly, later that night. "That is why god never gave me the ability to have children in the first place." She glanced over at the sleeping Aayu. After her unbridled initial reaction, Aarti had visibly gathered herself, and with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, had handed him to Paridhi, graciously telling her to put her baby to sleep. Paridhi's heart ached at the pain visible in Aarti's eyes; how had she not seen that pain a few days ago when Aarti had declared Aayu officially hers? Surely it had been there, lurking in her kind eyes. "When did I become so blind to other people's feelings?" Pari asked herself as a lump formed in her throat.
Just then, Prateek walked in with his usual grin; she was still caught off guard sometimes by the way his smile could light up a room. It was one of the things Paridhi had fallen in love with, his indefatigable joy for life, something she thought they had shared. How could she have known then that the lives that each of them took so much joy in were so vastly different? How could she have known how much it would matter?
"How's our little Aayu?" Prateek aksed.
Paridhi leapt off the bed and into is arms; she felt the tears begin to roll down her face as his arms automatically wound around her. For all the distance that had grown between them, for all the dreams that their marriage had crushed underfoot, she still felt whole only with Prateek. She didn't want to let this marriage go, yet she wondered if it were damaged beyond repair. Would they ever be able to love each other like they had imagined on the night before their wedding? Would she ever be able to forgive him for the loss of her dreams, and would he be able to forgive her for never being able to father a child?
"Prateek, you were right," came her muffled sobs. "You were right and I was wrong. Aayu is not our baby and it was wrong to force him to be. Even if Aarti bhabhi said differently, I should have known better,,, I should have known..."
Prateek lifted her tear-stained face gently, his eyes full of love and understanding, "I know Pari, and I knew you would understand with time. I am so sorry."
They stood silently together, holding each other and mourning the loss of their short-lived and tumultuous tryst with parenthood. Along with the sadness and the loss, though, Paridhi was surprised by an odd peace that overcame her, she felt a glimmer of hope... there was a whisper of something between them, in that embrace, that she hadn't felt in a long time and she suddenly had the urge to tell him everything, every bitterness, every disappointment, and of course, the devastating secret she had kept for so long----
"----ngaaawaaaee," they were suddenly interrupted by a tiny voice and both of them chuckled through their tears as they broke apart.
Aayu was kicking his legs and punching his little fists in the air, demanding attention. Pari went over to him, looked down into his bright eyes and whispered, "You want Mumma, don't you? Chachi is going to take you back to your Mumma now."
She was astonished by how easily the words came out of her mouth and how right they sounded. "Chachi," she said again thoughtfully as she looked at Aayu. For a second he looked at her with his eyebrows furrowed, as though he too was processing her words in his little mind, and then all of a sudden, his face broke out into the brightest, widest and most sunshiny smile Paridhi had ever seen.
In that instant, everything felt right again. She scooped him up impulsively, feeling none of the weight that had plagued her all these days, and held him close. "It looks like my little nephew is smarter than I thought," she cooed, "He understands everything his chachi says!" Her smile grew wider as he gurgled back up at her. She looked up at Prateek, seeing her smile reflected on his face, "Let's take him now!"
They made their way to Aarti and Yash's room, tip-toeing so as not to wake the rest of the family, and knocked quietly. A few seconds later, they heard the latch click and Yash bhaiyya opened the door, his face lined with concern. His face relaxed and lit up immediately when he set his eyes on Aayu, resting peacefully in Paridhi's arms. He looked up at Prateek and Paridhi and it was as though he knew, without a word, what they were here for.
"Bhaiyya," said Prateek, unable to restrain a smile, "Aayu was so worried about his Mumma and Papa that he insisted we bring him to check on them. He claims they just can't do without him!"
"Who is it Yashji?" came Aarti's voice from inside the room.
"Is it a ghost?" chimed in Ansh hopefully, as Palak and Payal squealed in fear, "Nooo!!!"
Yash grinned at Prateek and Paridhi, "Perfect timing," he said, "We are having a slumber party!" He turned towards the direction of Aarti's voice and said, "Aartiji, look who's come to join us... a little mehmaan who is not quite ready to go to bed yet."
They heard Aarti and the kids running to the door, followed by exclamations of delight, lots of giggling and then hasty shushing, for the sake of slumbering family members.
"Was Aayu bothering his mummy again?" Aarti asked, looking at Paridhi with a smile on her lips but that same sadness and longing in her eyes. How had Paridhi not noticed it before? She had been so blind in her own desperation for validation that she had ignored Aarti's pain entirely, but not anymore, she vowed. She would make a conscious effort to be more aware of what other people felt.
"He wasn't bothering his chachi at all," she said pointedly, "but I can't promise he will be so good for his mumma, now that he knows you were having a slumber party without him, right Aayu?" She glanced up at Aarti cautiously and was startled to find tears her eyes.
"Paridhi--- you can't---I couldn't..."
"No bhabhi, you can, and you must; this is the way it is supposed to be. I know that now. Aayu is my most favorite little nephew," she caught Ansh glancing up with alarm, "below 4," she added quickly smiling to herself at his relieved expression, "but he is yours and Yash bhaiyya's baby. He is the symbol of your love and you three are bound by emotions and destiny in a way that I can't begin to understand." She handed Aayu over to Aarti, this time marveling at instead of resenting the way he fit perfectly into her arms. Aarti looked at her and smiled, so like Aayu's smile, and Paridhi knew she had done the right thing.
"Thank you so much Paridhi. You don't know what this means."
"Don't thank me, bhabhi, you were born to be a mother, and I realize now," she looked down, fighting tears, "that I wasn't."
She felt Aarti's strong grip on her shoulder. "Paridhi! What are you saying? That's not true at all. You are going to be a wonderful mother one day. I have complete faith that god is going to bless you with a little one of your very own that will be a symbol of yours and Prateek bhaiyya's love!"
Ah, Aarti bhbahi's faithful optimism. This is what made her so special, so resilient in the face of everything she had been through in her young life' what Prateek so admired about her. She felt the tears threaten to well over and didn't want to spoil the happy moment that she had been so eager to create.
"Aarti bhabhi," she whispered hoarsely, "please don't think I am regretting my decision, because I will never regret it, and I want you to welcome Aayu back into your arms with a clear conscience, but I need to be alone right now."
With one last look at the family of six, and Prateek's concerned face, she turned around and ran towards her room. "Paridhi," she heard Aarti bhabhi call, her voice full of gentle reproach, but she kept running until she reached her bed and collapsed onto it with wracked sobs, crying the tears that she had held back for months. She heard cautious footsteps behind her, "Pari?"
She looked up at him, her face contorted with grief and confusion, "Why did you marry me, Prateek?"
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