Posted:
Defeated
A/N: Takes place after the idiotic abandonment at the mandap post bizzare nutcase track. Rishbala for me now just exists before the insanity began.
My fingers lingered over the phone. I knew I had to pick it up, but there was no point in denying that I was scared. I was ashamed of admitting it but I eventually came to terms with myself. It was true, I was a coward. A coward who loved her.
But if I could, I would pick up the phone starting to feel my hand grow cold.
Ring Ring...
First the tips.
Ring Ring...
Then the fingers.
Ring Ring...
And before I knew it, all of their warmth--lost.
I would wipe away the droplets assembling on my forehead with every "Ring Ring..." only to be stunned at how cold my hands had become.
"Hello?" Padmini's sleepy voice would pick up, wondering who in their right senses was in the mood to chat at 3 in the morning.
I would remain silent for a few moments, not sure about what to say. Considering to hang up the phone but then deciding against it as I knew myself too well, knowing that I wouldn't have the courage to pick the phone up once more.
"Madhu..." I would finally say and be answered with a silent nod that was somehow audible over the phone.
As I would wait, I'd feel the lost heat return, but to my face. Burning it up as my hands grew colder.
Finally I would hear her presence, letting a comfortable silence charm the moment.
"Sorry," I would begin as I would feel the first trickle down from my eyes. And in that moment I would decide to give up but she'd have already been aware of my cowardliness and would clear her throat reminding me I had to go on.
In a moment I'd forget about the phone conversation, the distance between us, my wrongdoings, her pain, forget about it all and imagine us in the winter.
Her delicate fingers nestled in my hair, my head in her lap as we soaked in the warmth of the fire. Her eyes, fascinated by the snow that fell and my eyes fascinated by her. But after a few moments, those same eyes begin envying the snow for holding her attention as they ordered my hands to make their way to her tresses.
My fortunate fingers would fill with warmth as they savored the feel of her locks of silk that would as if a drape shield me from the rest of the world as she finally would look down giving in to my cries of need.
There I would pleasure her ears, with overdue words they deserved to hear. I would ensure her that my need for her still exists but it has changed from a selfish need to a need she deserved. I'd still need her, I'd need her to be happy, I'd need her to know that she mattered, what she thought mattered, what she believed mattered, and most importantly, what she felt mattered.
I needed her to be there for her and then if she should find the chance, to be there for me.
"I know," she would say as she return from my fantasy with me.
And then I would hang up.
I'd start the engine and after moments of impatience, finally reach my destination.
I'd sneak up the stairs of the chawl before I ended up outside her door.
As always she would've read my mind and left the door slightly open for me to tiptoe across the hall into her room.
I would again face a decision to face her or flee however I for once would finally muster up the courage myself to open the door to see her, sleeping safely on her bed but of course in reality she'd be awake in every sense feeling my presence as I would crawl into bed next to her.
Instead of following the norm, I would curl up against her, letting her know.
She wouldn't hug back, instead she would, after a long while, sleep peacefully. Her wounds would take time to heal, however I'd have showed her that this time, I would be there to help her recover.
But my lingering fingers did not pick up the phone. I was forced to give in to the coward that lived in my head, developed from the demon that had forever become a part of me as I lay my defeated self in the large bed that now seemed like an ocean and I felt like I was lost somewhere in the middle with miles and miles of nothing in sight. I closed my eyes as I pray she knew, and I'm sure she did, that I would if I could.
***
A/N: You could have done so much with RK's character after he left her at the mandap. A man defeated by his ego does not equal a jerkface CVs. That is all.
-Shweta
Tum Se Tum Tak
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
