Clearly I'm not in the best mood. This is one of the most depressing OS I have ever written. It doesn't revolve around any characters or anything, it's just a random OS on a broken heart I guess. Sorry for being in such a negative mood right now...
Warning: It involves depression, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. So please read at your own risk. No, I'm not promoting anything here. I'm completely against this myself for certain reasons. I guess this OS is just to scare some people away from doing something stupid like the girl below in my OS does.
I'd just like to add in advance, if anyone is bothered by something and is afraid to tell someone, don't be afraid to come to me. I've been through a lot, so I'd love to help.
The Things I Wish I Said
I walked in silence towards the bathroom. In a trance, I couldn't focus on anything but my thoughts. I could hear the muffled laughter from the floor below. How could they be so happy? How could they be so happy when every bone in my body ached, every organ, every part of me was dying. I was dying.
---
"I'm sorry..." he said as though he had committed a mere mistake.
"Sorry? That's it? I gave you my heart. I trusted you with my heart...and you're just going to apologize after tearing my heart to pieces? How could you do that to me? I loved you. I thought you loved me. Was I not enough? Why...? Why did you do this to...us? Did you not even think about me once? Did you not even think about what I'd go through? I gave you everything I had. I handed my life into your hands and you ripped it to shreds. My heart, which beat for you, is no longer beating...and all you're going to do is say 'sorry'?"
Those were the things I wish I said. I wish I had made him realize the pain he had caused me. But I couldn't do it. I fell weak before him. I felt my heart breaking as I stared up at the man I had once loved. Then I only managed to let a few words slip through my mouth as my mind flooded with questions.
"I understand..." I lied with a heavy heart.
Infidelity was not something that could ever be understood. Whether it is emotional or physical, in the end it's still heartbreaking.
---
I entered my bathroom and slowly locked the door behind myself. I closed my eyes and thought back to all our good times. I tried to smile, but I couldn't. I had lost my smile. I had died. I was no longer the fun, innocent girl who had a perfect heart. I was the girl who had died from within and had stopped believing in love.
I slowly opened my eyes and stared at myself in the mirror. I attempted to remember back to when I had last genuinely smiled...but nothing came to mind. My eyes remained dry, empty, emotionless...I had run out of all my tears over the past few weeks; the past few weeks of isolation, pain, and depression.
I stared down at my arm, not frightened by the light marks that covered it. I could point at every scar and name why it had made a spot on my body.
The physical pain I had inflicted on myself had always helped suppress the emotional pain. With each new cut, the pain would lessen. I had grown accustomed to the pain of a mere razor...it wasn't enough to take away the pain anymore.
I needed something more. Something that would take the pain forever. Something that would cause the pain where my broken heart sat to go away. I needed a permanent solution.
My eyes landed on the bottle of my father's sleeping pills in my hand. People would say the choice I made was a stupid one, but I chose to differ. At the time, it felt like my last choice.
I opened it and stared down at the full bottle.
"It's now or never," I told myself.
I had spent over a week planning for this, but had always frightened myself out of it one way or another. But as I felt the pain within, I placed the pills in my mouth. The minute they entered my mouth, I felt myself swallow a couple.
Was I really doing this? Was I ready to leave this world I called a living hell? Was I selfish enough to put my family through the pain? How could I do that to them?
I closed my eyes as I felt my mind scan through all my childhood memories. Memories from when I was happy and had not a care in the world. I saw my parents smiling down at me and my eyes shot open. I couldn't give up so soon.
I spat out the remaining pills in the sink and fell to the ground. I cried my heart out; afraid for my family if it was already too late. I cried out loud, louder than I ever had before. It was becoming difficult to breathe with the constant sobs and the heaving of my chest. I clutched at my shirt near my heart and pushed my fist into it, hoping the pain would go away. I closed my eyes, breathed heavily, and soon I was hyperventilating.
As I tried to control myself, there was a knock at my door. I didn't have it in me to open the door or to call out to whoever it was.
"What's wrong? I'm here," I heard my mother's voice from behind the door.
"Open the door! Now!" my dad roared as he heard my cries.
My eyes landed on the empty bottle of pills as tears continued to flow out of my eyes. I quickly managed to stand, and while attempting to stable myself, I threw the bottle in the garbage.
"If something happens to me, it happens. If nothing happens to me, then nothing happens," I whispered to myself; unaware at the amount of pills I had consumed.
I felt the bathroom beginning to spin as it became difficult to stand much longer. I heard the sound of frantic knocking and yelling outside the bathroom door. I opened it up and fell, letting the darkness consume me.
---
I awoke in an uncomfortable bed; it wasn't mine. I slowly opened my eyes to see my family standing around me with worried expressions.
"Where am I...?" I managed to question in a light voice.
None of them spoke up. I noticed their puffy red eyes and then noticed the hospital equipment surrounding me.
"What happened?!"
The doctor walked in before they could speak up.
"How are you feeling now?"
"I'm...alive..." I remembered back to wanting to take my life.
"Yes. I'm afraid we're going to have to keep you under suicide watch for a week."
"A week?" I looked around at my family who seemed angry at me...but relieved at the same time.
My father was the first to stand. He walked out of the room and I watched as my brother and sisters did as well. Leaving just the doctor and my mother near me.
"I'll be back to run some tests in a bit," he left the room as well.
I stared at my mother who had tears running down her eyes. She looked into my eyes for a moment.
"How are you..." she asked in the most concerned voice ever.
"I'm alive."
"No...how are you..."
"I'm broken. I'm dead on the inside. I died the day my heart was broken into a million pieces. I'm not the same daughter you once loved, I've changed. I hurt everyday and no, I'm NOT okay. I just need to be loved, I just need to be held. I need to be told that everything will be alright."
Those are the things I wish I said.
"I'm fine," I smiled.
Shiv Shakti
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