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Hey friends im writing again after a long time.. something about zoya's unshed tears and speaking eyes..
Feel free to post ur comments.. as always would appreciate them..
I didn't know what love was until i saw it going away...
Something somewhere inside me was complaining about the high dosage of sweet poison Asad and his thoughts were for me.. I still was processing the very idea of Asad smiling and opening up to me. I mean unbelievable as it may sound , yes Asad smiled and did open up his heart.. though not everything I recollected from last nights conversation was pleasant but what i chose to remember were the words he'd said to me before we dosed off to sleep. I still couldn't bring my head round to this idea that he found me attractive and was equally drawn to me as i was.. All those innumerable times when we'd had a clash, he wasn't just fighting me , he was fighting himself too..
But then like always my personal demons riding on the chariots of my destiny came crashing n I met that unfortunate accident.. Unfortunate not cause I was involved in it , unfortunate cause what I witnessed post it crushed me more. For the first time I realized the loss of something I had no clue I possessed. that very moment in a surreal way the reality made last night more unbelievable.
As if ignoring me wasn't cruel enough, he had hugged this girl and Asad had never seemed more distant. Everything in my head, every thought from last night contradicted and mocked at me for how naive I could be to believe I could have him beside me. Everything inside me had gone still for I still couldn't comprehend what was more painful, my superficial injuries or the searing pain of seeing him holding someone else. I guess that was when my body gave way to the blows on my heart and I passed out.
Who would have thought the journey which had started by me sitting next to him and the moments which we had shared was going to be cruelly thrown at my face so soon.
As if that wasn't enough Tanveer turned out to be his best friend, childhood friend who seemed like tailor made for him. From her attire to her way of carrying herself, her speech and her words to him and Phupi and Najma, all proved time n again what he wanted and what he never dreamed of me being.
Every moment that I spent around him was suffocating me for He couldn't see my pain which ironically I could neither show it to him nor voice it.. For as destiny would have it.. it seemed as if he didn't remember a thing from last night. Amongst all this what was the point of bringing it up and embarrassing him for he'd certainly blame me for everything and tarnish my most cherished memories with him with dirt of the resurrected walls of his conscious mind and ego. So I chose not to say anything. I guess the time had come when I needed time to lick my wounds and heal my self.
What was tormenting me most was his indecisiveness, he came to my room saying how worried he was having found my blood stained ipad on the accident site and then very conveniently brushed me off in Tanveer's presence.. For a split second there I'd thought yes I had hope but the very next moment he crushed it.
The excruciating pain that rose in my head couldn't just be from over thinking things, it had to be a delayed concussion or some other post traumatic disorder. but before I could realize the severity of it all, it took its toll on me and my last thought was of his trying to hold my pallu n caress my face tenderly.
Some thing or someone was saying something from far away, seemed like someone was calling me crazily. My eyes fluttered open N there he was straight out from my dreams. I had no clue how long I'd been gone but I was glad for it. Cause the darkness brought him closer to me and thanks to it I opened my eyes to him. he looked worried, genuinely concerned for me, I could see I had been placed on my bed and he was sitting beside me holding my hand with one of his and his other hand was hovering by my face. Strangely I shied away from his touch and tried to get away from him for his proximity did torturous things to my already battered heart. He found that alarming and thought of calming me down by placing both his arms on my shoulders and holding me down, and as if on cue, it reminded me of last night when he had held me while dancing . The stark clash of reality gave me the jolt to come out of the reverie. And I pushed his hands away and asked him to give me some much needed space. For this time my protector was my tormentor.
My heart reflected my torment through my eyes, I couldn't hold back my tears in front of him and there I cried.. The tears of pain, of fear, of frustration, of pure misery poured down from my eyes. Yes he Was scared and worried for me. But was it just for the sake of it or did he feel something deeper. And then he said something which I couldn't have perceived. He said 'he couldn't see tears in my eyes and that it hurt him'.
Why now, why did he say that, was he so dumb he couldn't see he was the reason behind my tears, Strangely he was there to sooth my fears but not as what I'd dreamed him to be.. At this moment he looked more distant then near. the reality was suffocating me and crushing me and I lost it and shouted at him for being the reason behind my misery. I broke down in front of him holding onto my tormentor, I don't know for how long he hugged me and held onto me trying to sooth me but ironically he did. Ironically because I couldn't stay near him and I couldn't go far from him and ultimately it was his proximity which calmed me.
with every passing moment the splinters of my broken dreams were seeping deep and the one who could heal the scars was the one giving me the scars...
X...X
Hey guys I know its a sad kind of os but today only this came out.. Her pain was palpable .. hope u guys like my attempt..:)
Cricket
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