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Chapter 10
________________________
January 1st 2013.
It is exactly a year since I committed my gravest sin.
Almost a year since I let her go.
As I write this, I wonder why I am pouring my thoughts onto paper again.
I have opened this journal after nearly a year, and I still don't know why..
There is just something about today...there is something in the very air that makes this day different from all the others, and I have felt that since the moment I awoke.
But I haven't been able to put my finger on exactly what it is..
But surely this particular day is nothing like the three hundred and sixty five days that have gone before it..or am I being too fanciful here?
A year has passed..and so much has changed, in so many lives..
All because of one man , and his unlimited capacity for evil.
And also because of my sins, which paved the way for all this in the first place..
I still remember the days when the investigation into his death was on..
I had told my friend to keep me informed of the various developments on the case, because it was easier to focus on details such as those, rather than face the emptiness of my existence..
And one day, I was just leaving the house on my way to meet him, but I was stopped by Di, who had just returned from a visit to Gupta house with Payal.
When she learned exactly where I was going, for the first time in years, she had gotten angry with me.
She had asked me why I was so eager to know who had killed such a monster, because whoever had done so deserved our gratitude.
I was surprised by her vehemence, until I learned the reason for it.
While she was at Gupta house, she had learned that Khushi's father had recovered full use of his hands, and he had started communicating by pointing to alphabets on paper. And one of the first things he had told everyone was the real reason behind his paralysis.
My whole body had gone cold as I realized that Shyam had actually tried to kill Shashi Gupta.
And then I received a further shock as Di told me that hearing this had made her realize some things which had always bothered her.
She now felt that the sudden appearance of a scorpion in Shantivan, and the failure of the car brakes while returning from the temple were not accidental.
Her conclusion is that those were Shyam's attempts to get rid of her, in his obsession to remove all obstacles between Khushi and himself.
For the first time in days, I remembered Khushi's words that without her Devi Maiyya, everything might have been much worse..
If my guards hadn't intervened at that particular instant, would his assault have ended in a fatal attack?
We may never know the answer to that, but I will always be eternally grateful to NK for acting when he did..
And Di's words have made me realize that I no longer wish to know the truth behind his death.
He deserves everything he got, and more.
In a few weeks, the case was closed for lack of further evidence, and I don't even care anymore.
But I was worried about my Di in those early days, how would she be able to pick up the pieces of her life and move on?
But she has surprised me with her resilience.
And she had a very good reason to fight through this, and come out victorious.
My six-month old niece, Ananya Raizada.
Since her birth, she has quickly become the light of her life, and to an extent, she has helped me too..
I try to immerse myself in her daily antics, in an attempt to forget the immense pain of separation..
For most of my life, A.R has been my sole focus.
Not anymore.
Initially, I tried to lose myself in work, but that didn't really help..
Even today, my attention is not completely back on my company.
If not for Akash, who has increasingly taken on more responsibilities, A.R would probably have suffered.
Di has started to take an interest in the business side of things as well, and when Ananya is older, she hopes to play a bigger role in the company.
The rest of my family has gone on with their lives too, although a shadow still hangs over us all..
I have not allowed any of them to stay in touch with Khushi.
Because I remember every word of what she wrote, and I feel that any contact with this family will only serve as a reminder of the horror she is trying to forget..
But Payal is in touch with her, and every once in a while, she makes it a point to tell me that she is doing well in London, with Lavanya.
Lavanya Kashyap.
Another sin that I have forgotten..
If I am honest with myself, I can admit that I had used her in an attempt to run away from what I was beginning to feel for Khushi..
And Lavanya did not deserve that.
I can only hope that she has been able to move on as well..
In the past year, I have visited the Guptas many times.
At first, their attitude towards me was anything but friendly, but now it is a little different.
I only stay for a few minutes at a time, just long enough to find out if they are doing well, and if there is anything I can do for them..
They miss Khushi, that much is obvious..
But there is nothing I can do about that.
Yes, everyone seems to have moved on, in their own way.
Except me.
I am stuck in an endless circle of my sins, and repentance for them which never seems to be enough..
Pain is my constant companion, and so is guilt..
I allow myself to think about her now..
When I first read her letter, my instinct was to follow her to London.
To this day, I don't know what made me stop, and return to Shantivan instead.
But I am glad I did that.
Although sometimes I do wonder, would things have been different if I had been able to tell her the truth behind my feelings that day?
Would they have been different if I had not jumped to conclusions yet again?
I'll never know, will I?
I have read that letter a hundred times, or more, and it's impact has still not lessened.
Every word has come from her heart, and I treasure this insight into her deepest thoughts..
My own heart aches when I read that she feels hatred, but then I remind myself that I deserve it..
I was surprised to learn about those plants, but then I realized that something like that should be expected from Khushi..
My selfless, generous Khushi.
Yes, I still think of her as mine.
Anything else would be too painful.
Of course, my pain and suffering is nothing compared to hers.
The trauma of the assault has left very deep wounds on her, and I know that emerging from that nightmare is not going to be easy for her.
And I want to help her, in any possible way..
In this one year, I have picked up the phone many times, with the intention of calling Lavanya.
And numerous times I have booked tickets to London, only to cancel them at the last moment.
Only one thing has stopped me from going there.
The memory of her words in that letter.
I will not be responsible for breaking another dream of hers.
No matter how much I have to suffer in return..
She deserves this chance to forget, to fight and to learn who she is..
And I know that she will be able to do it.
The strength in her eyes has convinced me of that.
I still have hope that she will come back to me..
And I have been waiting for that moment for what feels like an eternity.
I have made many changes in preparation for her return, and I only hope that she will like them..
But apart from these, there is so much that has changed within me, as well.
I now know that if and when she decides to come back, she will not find the same Arnav she left behind all those months ago.
My repentance has made sure of that.
This past year has been painful in so many ways..
Every little thing seems to remind me of her.
Sometimes , it is the sparkle of Gotas on a dress..
And sometimes it is the sight of someone eating a jalebi..
And this has made me face another truth.
Yes, I want her back.
I want her to be with me, and be mine, forever.
But there is something I want more than that.
I want that spirited, lively, carefree Khushi back.
I want her to emerge victorious from this struggle.
And if that means that she has to stay away from me forever, then I am ready for that too.
Even if it kills me in the process.
Because I have finally realized what love really is.
Love is putting her happiness above all else.
It's that simple, really.
________________________
It's another day in the office, and as I walk through the doors of A.R. I still cannot shake the feeling that there is something different about today.
For the first time in months, I stop by the desk that used to be hers.
I smile as I remember that small idol that once sat on this table..
As I walk up the stairs, further memories come back to me, but my smile disappears as I remember dropping her down from the first floor..
Even after all this time, my cruelty still has the capacity to shock me.
When I reach my cabin, I throw the laptop down on my desk, and think about why all these memories are playing through my mind now.
Usually, I avoid thinking of her while I'm here, because if I do, the intense pain that immediately follows makes it difficult to function normally.
And so I question myself yet again, why today?
But I have no time to think anymore, because there is a knock on my door.
"Come in, Aman."
"ASR, I know that your first meeting isn't scheduled until eleven, but there is something I wanted to ask you.."
"Yes?"
"You do know that today is the day we welcome the new batch of design students who are starting their internship here , right?"
"It is? I must have forgotten. But what does that have to do with me?"
"Well it's just that this year, we have an intern who is doing her training abroad, and has chosen A.R for her two month internship. This is very unusual, you know we don't normally see that..so I was wondering if you would join me in welcoming them today.."
"I don't think so, Aman. Why don't you go ahead and.."
"I think it would be a great idea, ASR. It would make a great impression on all of them, especially on her..and maybe we would get even more foreign trained students next year. It would be a good way to introduce some variety into our design process, you know how we are always looking for new concepts.."
"I think we get enough new concepts right here in India, Aman.There's really no need to.."
"ASR, it's only for a few minutes, and you don't have anything else scheduled for now anyway.."
I don't know why Aman is being so insistent, but I decide to give in, just to shut him up.
"Oh all right. Let's go then.How many are there, anyway?"
"We have ten this year, ASR, and.."
I tune out as he goes on with the details, and my blackberry beeps with an incoming email, giving me a further excuse to do so.
As we near the conference room, I stop abruptly.
The strange feeling that hasn't left me all morning has suddenly intensified, and I don't know the reason why.
"ASR?"
"What?"
"We can go in now, if you are ready.."
"Sure.."
"Here's the list of their names and a brief CV.."
I take the paper from him, but I am still immersed in the email on my blackberry as we walk in.
I hear Aman wish them good morning, and by this time, I have reached my chair at the head of the table.
That sense of something about to happen has now reached it's peak.
In an effort to ignore it, I finally look up at the new interns.
And I still in shock.
My heart stops, my breathing slows, and I cannot believe my eyes.
Because right in front of me, seated two chairs away, is a woman who looks just like her.
Just like my Khushi.
The same hazel eyes that have never left my dreams.
The same face that haunts my every waking hour.
But there are some differences as well.
The soft black waves that reach just past her shoulder...the white chiffon kurti..
The confident way those eyes stare right back at me..
No.
This cannot be true.
I think I've finally lost it.
The year of separation must have taken it's toll, and I must have taken leave of my senses.
There is no other explanation for this.
I hear Aman's voice welcoming them, but I am speechless, unable to focus on anything but this lovely hallucination.
He continues speaking, and dimly I realize that he is now telling them about their responsiblities in A.R..
I finally snap out of it as I hear my name.
"And now myself, and our CEO, Mr.Arnav Singh Raizada, will be more than happy to answer your questions, if you have any.."
I suddenly remember that there is a way to finally convince myself that my mind is playing tricks on me.
The piece of paper in my hands.
I look down at it, and run through the list of names.
But before I can get past the first two names, I hear something that causes my heart to stop, then race at a frantic pace.
Her voice.
The one voice I can never forget.
"I do have a question for Mr.Raizada."
I look up at her, still unable to believe the sight in front of me.
I am unable to do anything else but nod slightly, and she takes it as her cue to continue.
"As part of our duties here, will we be required to take measurements of the male models?"
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A/N: Two chapters and an epilogue left to go!
Thank you for staying with me on this journey so far..
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Edited by EXPELLIARMUS - 12 years ago
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