"I said, let me go!"
I am afraid that she is going to hurt herself, and so I let her go, but she stumbles again, and I reach for her arms to steady her.
"Not again! I won't let you do this to me again!"
A sense of horror dawns on me as I finally realize just what is happening here.
Somehow, Khushi is trapped in a waking nightmare in which she believes that she is still fighting against Shyam..
Her struggles, her cries, the sheer anguish in her voice unnerve me, and I step closer again, trying to convince her that it's me here..
"Khushi! Look at me! I'm not Shyam!"
But the evil of the nightmare has a strong hold on her, and she almost screams the next words.
"You're lying! Arnavji will be back! I know he will! LET ME GO!"
I stumble back, her words striking me like blows.
Was this part of the nightmare, or was this a replay of what had really happened?
Could this be true?
Even after I had been so cruel, even after I had thrown her out to the poolside, had she really believed that I would be back in time to save her?
Has she trusted me, even then?
I didn't think it was possible, but at this moment, I hate myself more than I hate Shyam..
"Khushi! Please! Look at me!"
But I have no time to hear her response, because her screams have brought everyone in the house outside, and my guards come running up as well.
"Hai re nandkishore! Arnav babua, what is happening here?"
"Khushi bitiya?"
Khushi stills for a moment, and then she runs into her mother's arms, and her sobs pierce my heart as I stand there, unable to take in everything that has happened.
"ASR, is everything all right?"
I turn to my guards as they come up to me, and I reassure them that all is fine, and I wait until they leave before I turn to Buaji.
"I..I just came here to..give her the news, but then she..she thought I was Shyam.."
Buaji looks at Khushi, who is still in her mother's arms, and her eyes fill with tears as well.
"She had a nightmare earlier too, babua..that's why Garima was sleeping next to her..but we don't know when she came out here.."
I look at Khushi, who is still trembling, and I cannot understand what just happened here.
She had been fine as I was telling her about Shyam, so what had happened to push her into this waking nightmare?
And then I remember what had apparently triggered this.
My touch.
That's when she had started struggling, and that is when I had taken on the form of her tormentor..
I clench my fists in despair.
What have I reduced her to?
Buaji turns to me, wiping her tears away with her pallu as she does so.
"Garima, take her inside..Arnav Babua, what was the news you were talking about?"
I keep my eyes fixed on Khushi as I answer Buaji.
She is being led inside by her mother, and I desperately want to talk to her, just once..
"I..It's about Shyam. The doctors have confirmed that the body is his..there is no doubt at all."
"Hai re Nandkishore! So does this mean this ordeal is finally over?"
"Yes,Buaji. It's all over now."
Everyone stills as they hear Khushi's voice.
"All over?!"
She pulls out of her mother's arms, and turns to face me.
She is standing in the beam of light that spills out the open doorway, and for the first time tonight, I get a clear look at her face.
Shock slams through me as I register the swollen, bloodshot eyes, and the pale, tear-stained cheeks.
I realize that this isn't only the result of what just happened, she must have been crying for hours now..
And I also realize that her calmness yesterday was a thin facade, this turmoil must have been lurking under the surface all this while..
And then I have no time to think about this, because she continues speaking, her voice shrill with pain, tinged with fear..
"All over?! How can you say that it's all over?"
I hasten to reassure her, apparently she is unable to believe that Shyam is really dead..
"It is over,Khushi. He is dead, the doctor's have confirmed it. You are safe now.."
"Safe?! "
"Yes, you.."
I stop as she comes up to me, and swipes at her tears angrily before she speaks.
"What exactly am I safe from? What is all over?!"
"Khushi, I.."
"Nothing is over, do you hear me? Nothing!"
I don't understand, just what is she trying to say here?
"Everytime I close my eyes, I can still feel his touch on my skin. Whenever I try to sleep, the sound of his voice doesn't let me! Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I still wonder if those policemen were right! So what is over, Mr.Raizada? Nothing!"
She moves forwards again, and I stumble back, unable to face her now.
"Just because he is dead, does that mean everything is fine now?! Nothing is over! I'm still trapped in a living nightmare!"
She turns away for a moment, and her gaze falls on her mother, who is sobbing now.
And then she turns back to me, and there is sheer anguish in her eyes now.
"And how can you say that I am safe? Does his death mean that the neighbours will stop passing by as if we are invisible? Do you even know what has happened here today?"
"Khushi, please just listen.."
"No, you listen to me! Since we came back today, people who have known Buaji for twenty-five years are no longer speaking to any of us! And do you want to know why?They think that I have been sent back from my husband's house because he doesn't want me there anymore after the attack! I'm tainted now! Impure! And they don't want their daughters near me!"
"Khushi, none of this is your fault.."
"But they don't believe that , do they? This entire neighborhood has ignored my family ever since we returned! So tell me Mr.Raizada.."
Khushi comes right up to me, and my heart almost stops at the raw pain etched on her face now.
"Tell me, what are we safe from? What exactly is over?!"
I am a little angry too, at this point.
All this would never had happened if only she had listened to me..
"Khushi, none of this would have happened, if only you had stayed in Shantivan!"
"Really? Is that what you think? Word of this would have spread anyway, these things can never be hidden for long! And so what if I had been hidden away,my family would still have to come back here and face this!"
She waits for a response, but now, I have none.
She sighs, and turns away.
She walks towards her mother, but at the last minute, she turns back towards me.
"Nothing is over. I don't think this is ever going to end. But there is one thing you can do to help.."
"I will do anything, Khushi, just tell me.."
"Don't come here anymore. Not until..until I am ready.."
With those words, she steps inside, and I cannot see her anymore.
I cannot see anything, actually.
Everything is a blur, and I have no recollection of how I got back to my car and drove home..
_______________________
After I return from her house, the memory of her pain has never left me.
I am not sure if I have done the right thing by leaving her alone right now, but how could I refuse that heartfelt plea?
What have we done to her?
Yes, between that monster and myself, we have destroyed the essence of Khushi, and no remorse or repentence from my side is ever going to bring that back..
The only thing that can do that, is Khushi herself.
I have to trust in her strength and resilience..
But I also know that I will be there for here, whenever she needs me.
At this moment, if staying away reduces her pain, then that's what I will do.
I will wait, as long as it takes..
I will never do anything that hurts her again.
I have just remembered that I have had no chance to tell her the complete truth about what the doctors found during that autopsy.
That piece of the puzzle still bothers me, and I focus on it now in an attempt to escape from the vivid memory of her anguish..
Apparently, the internal examination has revealed that the death probably occurred due to a bullet shot at point-blank range into his forehead, and the body was set on fire later.
The fire was only partially successful in destroying his surroundings, and his wallet escaped the flames.
At this point, the suspicion is that this was the work of a hired killer, and since that particular area is well known for it's underworld related activities, there are plenty of suspects.
My friend also told me that they are now looking into his professional activities in the recent months, since that might shed some light on a possible motive..
So who has killed Shyam Manohar Jha?
But Khushi was right, does any of this even matter now?
Will this nightmare ever end, for any of us?
__________________________
It has been one week since that night.
In all that time, I have kept to my promise.
I haven't seen her even once.
But Di and Payal have been to see her many times,and so has NK.
Whenever they come back from their visits, they come straight to me, because they know that I am waiting for news about her.
She has been seeing the psychiatrist, and NK thinks that this is helping her a little.
Her father has been doing better as well, and he has regained some movement in both his hands, and this has helped in making her feel better, too.
But she is still just a shadow of her former self, and the nightmares still hound her..
NK has surprised me again.
He has never once mentioned anything about pursuing Khushi, and I wonder if Khushi has spoken to him about this.
I haven't asked him about this, and in a strange way, I am not worried whenever he goes to Gupta house.
Even though I have never been there in a week..
And now he has just told me that he is returning to Australia today.
Although I am surprised at his sudden , unexpected decision, in my present state of mind, I cannot bring myself to care.
The past week has been very difficult for me.
The memory of her tear-stained face has never left me.
I haven't gone to A.R for days now, and I know that Di is worried about my health.
But I just cannot bring myself to eat as much as she wants me to, and sleep evades me as well.
I haven't gone near Khushi, but I still have hope that one day soon, I will see her again.
One small thing gives me hope.
The memory of a small string of black beads around her neck.
She still hadn't taken it off, even when I saw her that night.
And that small hope is all I have to cling on to, for now..
___________________________
My patience has finally come to an end.
I need to see her, it is almost a compulsion now, and I cannot fight it any longer.
I have just told Di where I am going, and I cannot understand why everyone is giving me strange looks when I mention this.
"You are going to Gupta house now? Aren't you coming to the airport, Chotey?"
Why the hell would I be going to the airport?
And then I suddenly remember.
Of course, NK is leaving today, how could I have forgotten?
"No, Di, I'm not. I've already said my goodbyes to NK. I'll see you all later.."
"But Chotey.."
I don't stop to listen to whatever she is going to say.
Right now, the pull to go to Khushi is greater than ever, and I don't even understand why I am feeling like this right now.
Twenty minutes later, I pull up in front of her house.
Only now do I wonder if I will even be allowed to see her.
Even as I think about this, I see Buaji come out of the house.
I step out of the car, and go up to her.
She seems surprised to see me, and I don't understand why..
"Arnav babua! What are you doing here?"
"I have come to see her, Buaji."
'What?!"
"Yes..I know she has said that she didn't want to see me, but I couldn't stay away any more.."
"But..but she isn't here!"
"Buaji, I know you probably don't want me to meet her, but there's no need to lie.."
"I'm not lying, Babua! She has already left! But wait, she did leave something for you.."
Before I can ask her what she is talking about, she has already turned to go inside, and moments later, she is back with a white envelope.
"She asked me to give this to you later, but since you are already here, I think you should have this now.."
I take the envelope from her, unable to understand what is going on here.
"But where is she, Buaji?"
"Don't you know that? I thought she had already told you..they have been planning this for a week now.."
"No, she hasn't! I haven't even spoken to her in a week!"
"But I thought..she has already left, Garima went with her too, to see her off.."
I am fast running out of patience, and I am beginning to panic as well.
"Where has she gone, Buaji?"
"She has just left for the airport, Babua. Her flight leaves in three hours.."
******************************
Financial markets and global economy
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
703