hi guys...thanks for ur love and concern...i am completely fine now...dont ask me any other thing...i am very nervous...last time when i was this nervous was when i posted my first arhi os..
this chapter and next two are very crucial chapter to this ff...i am really scared to know to ur reactions...all i want to say is i am trying very hard to make this story very close to reality...this is not story of larger than life's character but story of normal people who lives among us...
well...regarding teaser only one found out what i actually wanted to say😉...
pm's will be sent tom along with FILWE update...
CHAPTER 12
"Sorry, sorry, sorry..." Kushi apologized with a high-speed as she opened the car's door. Settling herself in passenger's seat, she turned to her ex-husband. "Sorry for making you wait, Arnav. When did you come? I hope I didn't make you wait for long!" she exclaimed worriedly before fastening her seat belts.
Arnav raised his eyebrows in awe observing the nervousness in her tone. "Relax Kushi. Just now I came. Not even 15 minutes..." Arnav replied to her causally looking at his wrist watch and jerked when Kushi shouted. "Oh my god...15 minutes...I am so sorry Arnav; really sorry." She said looking at him apologetically. "And also thanks for coming."
He nodded as he started the car wondering what's the need to say so many sorry's and thank's for such a silly reason. She wanted to buy groceries for home and he decided to accompany her. What's the big deal in it that too when he is living at her home for past ten days. Not today but Kushi was like this even when they were dating. He still couldn't figure out the necessity for the couples to use words like 'sorry and thanks'. They belong to each other and why the hell they have to use those words.
On the other hand, for Kushi simple 'sorry and thanks' are building block of any relationship. She strongly believed that these words made people more close; these words even had power to turn one's foes into friends. It worked most of the time. The number of people in her phone-contacts list is a proof for that. Even she got Arnav when she tried to thank him for his help.
Arnav phone buzzed when they reached their destination. "Kushi, you carry on. I will join you after parking the car." Arnav instructed her before answering his phone and she climbed down his car. As soon as she stepped into supermarket, she heard someone calling her name out. Turning towards the source of sound, she spotted Aman and his wife, Sarita.
"Aman? Sarita? How are you, guys?" she exclaimed in loud and surprised voice which clearly conveyed the happiness she felt, meeting them after so many months. "Your daughter, right? She is so cute! What's her name?" Kushi asked Sarita after pulling the child's cheek, who Sarita was holding. The little one pouted at Kushi before hiding her face on her mother's neck.
"Tammanah." Sarita answered Kushi while patting the back of her daughter. "Nice name." Kushi said with her eyes still fixed to the baby. Aman nodded accepting her compliment and then asked "how are you Kushi? It has been months since we met. ASR and you broke up. We didn't, right? I never thought your relationship status with him will affect our friendship because i had always considered you as my friend and not just my best friend's wife. But i guess for you, i was just your husband's friend."
Kushi lowered her lashes hearing hurt filled aman's voice. Arnav and aman were childhood buddies. Aman got married two months after Arnav. Their wedding was the first function that Arnav and Kushi attended as married couples. Kushi could never forget the fun she had in that marriage. Since Arnav and aman were inseparable, both couples ended hanging out together most of the time. After her break up, Kushi hadn't ignored them purposefully, but she couldn't move with them friendly as they both reminded her of him and their happy moments.
"It's not like that aman...there were too many things going on...and i ..." Kushi stammered not sure how to explain them. Giving a stern glance to aman, sarita moved forward and held kushi's hands with her free hand. "Its okay, Kushi. I am sure you will be in touch with us from now onwards." Kushi smiled in assurance to Saritha's words.
"Good. What are you going to buy?" Sarita asked as they moved inside the supermarket. Arnav also joined them soon and he was very much pleased with this unexpected reunion. After shopping, Aman enquired "would you guys care to join us for dinner? I am sure as usual my wife will not cook today also. It seems like she forgot the way to the kitchen after tammy was born."
Sarita pouted while Kushi exclaimed "don't you guys have any other job than pulling your wife's leg in public?" Aman raised his hands surrendering and said "it's in male's blood, kushi. Forget it. What about dinner? It would be great if we can make to it, that too after such a long time." Arnav interrupted him "but prachi is alone at home. I don't think its good idea." He finished looking at Kushi asking for her opinion with his eyes.
"i will ask prachi. If she is fine being alone for some more time, then we will go. We can even buy her food. You know she loves outside food." Kushi shared her opinion and then excused herself from the group to call her sister. When she returned the sight in front of her awed her. Tammy was in Arnav's arms. Her tiny foot which were covered with lacy materials was resting on Arnav's abs as he held her in front of him with their faces at equal level.
As Arnav nuzzled his nose against her, she let out mesmerizing laughter completely enjoying his actions. Kushi smiled at him as Arnav looked at her. "It seems like you both get along very well!" Kushi commented. "Yeah, really well. Isn't honey?" Arnav nuzzled little one's nose again making her to laugh more. "i love you baby." Arnav said kissing tammanah's cheeks.
"Do you want to hold her?" Arnav asked Kushi making her to back out. "Just hold her. Believe me, kushi, she is so sweet." Arnav said passing little one to her while Kushi reluctantly stretched her hands out. As Kushi took baby in her arms, baby frowned looking at her unfamiliar face and then began to pout before crying out loud scaring Kushi.
Arnav came forward and wounded his one arm around Kushi and other around Tammy holding them together; he tried to calm down the little one. "No, no sweet heart. Don't cry baby. Arnav chachu is here." As it didn't work out, Kushi handed baby to sarita who started to pacify her. She stood there still as two men went to make the payment asking her to join. "let's go Kushi."
"Are you okay?" Arnav asked Kushi who seemed lost as they walked towards their parked car. "I am feeling giddy. I think i am just too tired. Shall we go home? I don't feel like going to restaurant. We will go out on some other day. May be this weekend." She said to him in pleading tone and he agreed.
"Are you sure you are feeling well?" Arnav asked for fourth time after they started from supermarket. She nodded again flashing a smile at him. She couldn't come out of tammanah's thoughts. Unknowingly her hands caressed her belly as her thoughts started to caress her past.
[ONE YEAR AND FOUR MONTHS BACK] (Before they got divorced)
Arnav turned as soon as he heard the sound of bathroom door getting opened. "What happened?" he rushed to Kushi who stood aghast near the door. She heard his concerned voice again but she felt too numb to react. She just rolled her eyes up to meet his and he gasped looking at her widen and horrified pupil.
"It's... okay Kushi. I mean it happens. We think something but result will be some other thing..." he explained casually and turned to pick his towel which he had dropped down few seconds ago. "It's positive." He froze not sure whether he heard her low voice or not. But as words sunk inside him, he turned instantly and exclaimed "what?"
"It...Its positive." she stumbled looking at his eyes. "WHAT?" he screamed at top of his voice in stunned disbelief. "Oh my god, Kushi..." he shrieked out loudly pulling her body towards him and enveloping her in warm embrace. With the way he was holding her, she could tell that Arnav was happy. But was she happy? She doesn't know.
She is going to become a mother, that too of the man's child, who she loves the most. Of course, she is happy. But she felt too numb to acknowledge it. How can she acknowledge it when her mind was battling alone against so many thoughts? Indeed it's a huge leap in their relationship. But was it at right time? That single question was troubling her.
When they got married both Arnav and Kushi had decided not to have child for next two or three years. First of all they both thought that they were too young to handle such a huge responsibility. He was twenty-five and she was just twenty-two when they got married. Secondly they wanted to enjoy their love life in care free manner for some time. And finally they both were true professionals striving to achieve something big in their career.
These things had lead them to take this decision and they stick to it very strictly, at least until recently when they forgot it in a moment of weakness. Kushi knew that this was coming. She was suspicious about this for past forty days starting from that night and symptoms she had been witnessing in last two weeks confirmed her every suspicion.
She thought of doing pregnancy confirmation test at home but was too scared to do it. What will she do if it was positive?
She was scared of Arnav's reaction as he was the one who was completely against the idea of having a child. And then comes her career. She is not in the position to quit her job. And the thing that scared her most was their relationship which was going through rough phase. Even their small talks ended up in big fight. She was not sure how will the new one affect their hanging relationship; whether it will strengthen it or weaken it further?
With so many questions pondering inside her mind, she couldn't sleep properly for past two weeks. Yesterday night she woke up Arnav sobbingly as pressure which was building inside her became too much for her to handle alone. When he questioned her about what's going on, she whispered the reason into his ears.
"What the hell Kushi? If you didn't get your monthly routines then go to doctor. Why are you waking me at this time...?" he drawled out yawningly before rubbing his eyes with his palm to get better view of the clock. 3.20 am. He blinked as the time got registered in his mind and his eyes widened as something else also struck his mind.
"Wait...you are not pregnant, are you?" He asked in a suspicious tone. "I don't know." She shudder her shoulders honestly. "What you mean by you don't know?" he questioned her with raised eyebrow, little unsure how to react to this unexpected news. "I mean symptoms are like that. But still I am not sure. I thought of undertaking test at home. But i am really scared to do it Arnav. What will i do if it is positive? Arnav, what are we going to do?" she asked him in panic.
"Relax Kushi. Why are you acting like crazy teenage girl? We are legally married! Do you even remember it?" She raised her head to face Arnav after hearing his calm tone and noticed his smirk. She knew that his smirk was a result of her panic stricken speech but there was more to it. He appeared relaxed and if she was right, he looked happy. Happy?
"So you are okay with what i said? I thought ..." her words were cut off by her husband. "True Kushi. I still think it's little early for us to have child. But if it happens, what can we do? It's not in our hand, right?" He spoke to her gently like talking to a child and patted her cheeks lovingly. She nodded still somewhat lost in some other world. "So you are really okay with it?"
"Yeah. But you are not okay with it? Right?" he asked her. "Not like that. Things are not smooth between us and now..." Arnav interrupted her. "We will sort it out. Fighting has become part of our life. But we both love each other. So No need to worry." But Kushi didn't look convinced.
"What's the problem Kushi? What's going on your mind?" he shot her with series of questions suddenly getting worried. "What about my job, Arnav? I can't quit it now!" Finally she said the most disturbing part aloud. "Why should you quit when you can take maternity leave?" He questioned her in confusion.
"They give only six months for maternity leave. How will it be enough? When our child happens I want to be with him and take care of him at least for two years! But you very well know only by end of this year, company will make me permanent staff! If i quit now, my two and half year's hard work will go in vain. Then i have to start everything from first!" she explained her situation worriedly knowing very well that it will make him angry.
Arnav had always encouraged her to work but problem is he never considers her job seriously like he considers his. But it is her career. She had spent four years doing her engineering and worked so hard for last two and half years. How can she let it go so easily?
"So what are you going to do if the result turns out to be positive? Do you want to abort the child?" He enquired her controlling his temper. "NEVER! Arnav don't even use that word!" she replied instantly and her shocked and pained tone cleared arnav's all doubt. "Then?" his voice was calm. "I don't know. I am just scared." She pouted anxiously and hugged him burying her face in his chest. He embraced her back. "Don't worry Kushi. Everything will be fine."
"Kushi! Are you okay?" Arnav's voice brought Kushi out of trance. He was holding her by shoulders. "You are not happy with the result?" It was statement rather than a question. "What? Why do you think like that? Of course I am happy. It's our child; sign of our love." She replied flashing a smile at him before pecking his cheek.
But when he looked suspicious, she added "Arnav, i am really happy. It's just i feel little weird. Can't believe that there is another life inside me." Arnav rolled his eyes to her stomach as she rubbed it. The nervousness in her voice made him to believe her. "i will call di and tell her. She will be happy." Arnav said and started to search for his mobile when Kushi held his hand.
"Not now Arnav. We will inform them later." She requested while he was confused with her behaviour. She reasoned "this is just primary test. What if, it is not correct? I don't want to give false hope to anyone." Arnav didn't know why she is talking so negatively which is totally against her character. As far as he knows she is such an optimistic girl.
When he tried to talk she stopped him saying "First we will consult a doctor."
He nodded. "Okay. Get ready, we will leave in an hour." Kushi looked at him shocked. "What? Now? No...No... We will go little later." She replied becoming anxious. When he asked for reason, she tried replied in causal tone. "For that, first we have to make an appointment." She smiled at him but deep inside her there was bad feeling that something is going to be wrong.
Two days later, when they were seated in hospital waiting for the result, with every passing second her intuition went wild with all possible terrible outcomes. She clutched Arnav hand as middle aged lady, in front of her, opened an envelope. Yes, she was the one who whole-heartedly prayed that result should be negative two days back when she did test at home.
But everything changed just within span of two days. Feeling that she is going to become mother has sunk inside her slowly yet steadily. Now the thought that result might be negative scared her to the core. Her hold got tightened on Arnav when doctor began to talk. "Congratulation's Mrs. Raizada! No need to panic, you are indeed pregnant."
Arnav smiled at doctor and turned sideways to steal a glance at his wife. But kushi's eyes were fixed on doctor and he could see panic on her face. Turning back, he noticed that doctor was scanning the printed paper with a frown on her face. He could feel Kushi getting stiffen next to him, so he placed his other hand over her before questioning doctor "is everything fine, doctor?" Doctor looked at them and smiled.
"Yes, Mr. Raizada. I was just going through the report. Both your child and wife are perfectly fine."
**************[END OF FLASHBACK]***************
Kushi's heart constricted as her past resurfaced her memories. Tears began to fill her hazel eyes. She felt like she couldn't take it anymore. She felt suffocated and her breathing became ragged. She couldn't breathe properly. She needed to get out; out of this car; out of his life; out of these sickening memories.
"Stop the car, Arnav." Arnav turned to his left hearing Kushi's stressed out voice. She looked alarmed. "What happened, Kushi?" he asked her with concern looking at her before turning to steal a glance at the empty road. "I said stop the car." Kushi screamed at top of her voice.
But even before Arnav could react to it, she tried to open the car's door forcing him to apply the brake and stopping the car almost immediately. "kush..." he called out in panic as she got out of the car. Cursing her under his breath, he unfastened his seat belt and got down.
Kushi leaned back against the car's door and closed her eyes. She inhaled fresh air hoping that it will prevent her from breaking down as sob started to bubble up inside her. Hearing Arnav's footstep nearing her, she turned to other side not wanting to expose her weak side to him.
"What happened, Kushi?" he asked completely baffled with her indifferent behaviour for past ten minutes. "Leave me alone for some time. Please." She managed to say in a normal tone without turning back to him. "Are you crying, Kushi?" his concerned voice was more than enough to break her.
She closed her mouth with her palm and began to cry badly. "Kushi..." his voice sounded shattered and he placed his hand on her shoulder trying to compose her. She slid down the car and sat on the deserted road of Delhi making him to kneel next to her.
With every arnav's request to stop crying, she wept more as if . She drew her legs closer to her chest and hugged it continuing to sob as he caressed her hair asking her what's wrong. "You... Arnav...you...leave...just leave..." she said in between her sobs.
"What are you saying, Kushi? Why?" Arnav asked in bewildered tone still unable to comprehend what's happening. "Why?" she asked angrily turning to face him with her tear stricken face. "Because every time i see you, it reminds me about our past; it reminds me about the fact that i can never become a mother."
Arnav froze as her words rekindled his memories of their past; memories of their past which he wants to forget; memories of their past which he is not able forget; memories of their past which led them to breakup.
"i can never become a mother." Her loud sobs broke his trance. He held her shoulders preventing her from collapsing due to her sobs. "What the hell are you blabbering, Kushi? Are you out of your mind? Who told you that you can't become a mother?" He asked her furiously. "i knew it, Arnav. i can never become a mother." She repeated again.
"What the? Why are you talking like this, Kushi? What happened? Answer me damn it." He shook her when she didn't reply. "I knew it from first. All kids hate me and babies never stay in arm. Did you see how tammanah reacted today? Everyone hates me. Even our child left..." she cried out aloud closing her mouth with hers hands, looking at Arnav.
Mention of their child made Arnav to hug her and she continued to sob in his arms. He tried to comfort her but nothing worked. "kushi..." he lifted her head by holding her face in his hands. "No one hates you. No one in this world will be able to do that! Because you too good to hate. Believe me Kushi, you will become mother one day. And i am sure you will be the best mother."
"Of whose child?" Arnav's hand dropped down from her face. "Mother of whose child, Arnav?" she asked him looking straight into his eyes making him to freeze. There was so much agony and anger in her voice. He sat there still as her question echoed in his mind.
"What's going on here? Any problem?" Kushi looked up hearing passer-by's voice. She turned to Arnav to notify stranger's presence but he looked completely lost. Quickly gathering herself, she stood up wiping her tears. "Nothing. We are fine. He is my husband. Arnav, get up." Kushi pulled him up and sighed in relief as he responded. "Is he troubling in any way?" Arnav turned to stranger who asked question. "no...no... Arnav come on, let's go." She pulled him towards car.
Kushi observed Arnav. His one hand gripped steering tightly while the other occasionally rubbed his fore-head. 'Upset.' She guessed. She knew she had talked more today. But what can be expected from her when her whole life is in chaos. What can she do? When she broke up with Arnav, she thought she could move on and start a fresh life. Forget about fresh life, but problem is she couldn't even move on. She is still in love with her ex-husband.
Past one year was a complete mess; she couldn't go back to Arnav as she fears that she might have to undergo all pain once again. she doubted whether he will accpet her or not. she remembered what he told her last night. He still loves her. Of course she too loves him. She could never give the place which arnav held in her life to anyone else, at least not in this life.
But the problem is she couldnt even give the place back to arnav himself. They have seen so much together; so much pain;so much hurt; and not to forget so much love. She could neither move on nor move back. The fear that whether she had to spend her rest of her life just like this, all alone with so much pain and sufferings made her mad. Today's outburst was a result of that.
She quietly got down as they reached their apartment. Arnav watched her retreating back and then leaned back on head-rest and closed his eyes as her words began to ring inside his mind.
well...how was it? i know that you want to ask many questions...everything will be explained in next two chapters...pls do comment and share your thoughts...i need it very badly...i want to know what u r thinking abt this story...so pls...
happy pongal to all, especially to those who celebrate😊...
tamizhar thirunal nal vazhuthukal😉 😆
Edited by deeps_92 - 12 years ago
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