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Ahem has seen Anitha and we watched him get angry, tear their photo etc., etc.,.. I am now going forward to a time when all this is settled. A small OS.đ
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My love, I have missed you these past few days like missing the air I breathe. I never knew that it would be so painful. I now know the pain I gave you and I know I deserve this pain. Haven't I put you through the same thing for so long? But it hurts.. It hurts a lot..
It was my mistake. I was just too late...I now know. You did wait for me. But I just never made it, did I? Not when it mattered the most. I can still see your eyes searching mine. I can still see those questions evident in your eyes for which I have no answers. I was a coward then and a coward now. And it is all my mistake.
It took me a long time to understand what was staring right in my face. I could not understand why I was so angry then. But when I did, it was too late. My anger. How much I hate myself when I think of what I did in my anger. Will you believe me now if I told you that I meant none of the words I said, none at all and that I was a fool? I guess you will not and I agree with you. You actually should not. I do not deserve that much understanding or forgiveness.
Life for me started with my mom and ended with her until you came into it. I never knew when or how and why. But you occupied my dreams and my heart without a murmur. I cannot get you out of there now. Do not ask me to do that. I know that I hurt you. Hurt me back but do not ask me to let you go. I do not think I can survive that.
I was cruel and unkind. How did you survive that? I ask myself how I am able to look in the mirror day after day without flinching at the memories. And I still do not have any answer. I have no excuse either. There can not be any. I cannot ever be forgiven.
It is good that I cannot reach you now. It is justice that you want to stay away from me. You are safe now. From me. You deserve so much more. But it hurts. It hurts being without you. Is this how you felt? Why did you not tell me once, atleast once? I know, You were frightened.. I instilled that fear in you. Why did I not understand sooner?
I am now frightened. Totally. Completely. This feeling is all encompassing. I can see no light and I find myself falling deeper and deeper in this darkness without an end. I drown in this darkness everyday, trying to grab something to stump my fall but there is nothing I can hold on to. No lifeline. Is this how it feels like? I am terrified and there is no way to escape.
Why did I not see the love shining through your every gesture? Why was I blind to the truth? I ask this question everyday and come up with naught. That is no excuse. But in all this did you not feel at least once that I loved you? I know I am not worth it but just once, did it ever seem to you that I loved you? I everyday pray that I did atleast one thing right. I pray that in all this time I have made your life miserable, there is atleast one moment you can think of me with some happiness. I know there is no such time. It will always remain a wish. I just hope in vain.
I lived to work before. Now I work to live. There is nothing that fills the void that is my life. I come back to this house, this room because it means I atleast breathe the same air you breathed.
I come back to this room everyday hoping that I will somehow miraculously find you again. This room. Yes. this room. I never realized the heaven it had become until it turned to hell. It was once Our room, my heaven. Now it is just another place I come back to knowing that it will never be the same. I pushed you out. At that time I did not know that I was losing myself too.. You took my heart with you. And left an empty shell behind. I feel empty and want our room back, my heaven back, you back. But I know I do not deserve it.
Sometimes I wake up in a sweat at night and reach out to hold you for solace. But you are never there. It takes me a long time to come back to the reality . It is all now a dream. A dream. That is what it feels like now. I wish that I had not made the dream into a nightmare. I wish I had been able to see sooner. I wish.. I wish I could have made you happy.. I just wish..
I still hurt you don't I? I can feel it in my bones and it kills me slowly. No.. Don't pity me yet. Let me die slowly trying. It now seems to be a better option than to live without you by my side. But I know that I need to survive. Survive for you, survive for me, survive for the love, yours and mine, survive for our love. I cannot let it die. I will not let it die. I need to survive. I need to fight.
Hope. That is all I have now. The minutest chance that one day, I will be able to look myself in the mirror and tell myself that I did one thing right in my life. I want to beg your forgiveness and tell you that I was wrong and that I need another chance, just one. But words fail me, like they always do.
I love you. I am in love with you. Only you. These words now will hold no meaning to you. I have shouted the exact opposite and have made my point so clearly before that all these words, will have no meaning now. I know. I have broken your dreams and hope so many times that it will sound hollow if I tell you these words ever. But they are true. This time, I mean them. They come from my heart, truly. But I pushed you away too far away.. My words sound hollow in this void.
The sun rises and sets bringing a new day, everyday. But to me, life stands still. I am ready for this life in darkness but I have one regret. Just one. I am the reason you are still living in the darkness I have now come to dread. If I can go back and change one thing, I will change that. You deserve so much better. I ruined my life, my mistake but I ruined yours with it.. I wish I can go back and change that. I wish I could let you go. But I cannot. And I never will.
I cannot ask you to forget what I did for it is not fair to you. I cannot ask you to forgive what I did for I do not deserve it. I cannot ask you to hope again for I broke you too many times and I do not have the right. I cannot let you go either for I love you Gopi.. I just cannot let you go, ever.
Hate me so that I know what it is to be hated. So that I atleast get to feel you again. I know I am being too selfish. But do not turn away from me. I cannot bear it. It hurts Gopi. It hurts to see that you cannot even feel your hate for me. Please Gopi. Just hate me, atleast...
- Always yours, Ahem
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Gopi closed Aham's diary slowly with tears streaming down her face. She sobbed letting out a gut wrenching cry, allowing herself feel everything that she had stopped herself from feeling after that day. She wanted to feel the pain, the hurt and the love her Ahamji had for her and only her.
"Gopi? What happened?" Aham ran into his room terrified for her. The next minute he felt her hand around his neck as she buried herself into him and cried harder. Time stood still. Aham let himself hope for the first time after that fateful day he had let Anitha hug him goodbye.
His wife's closeness to him made him sob out. There was so much he wanted to tell her. But he could not find any words. But He knew his wife understood. His Gopi always understood.
They would be alright, he knew. They would together and they would love again.
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There.. I had to write it.. Just had to finish it after seeing Ahem today.. đ
Cricket
Kumkum Bhagya
Tum Se Tum Tak
Sampoorna
