She sat on her bed, too broken to take note of her loving brother who lingered near the door of her room. She didn't know how to call him because she couldn't say anything. Her entire life was shattered right in front of her eyes and she could do nothing about it. She was so stupid, so idiotically consumed in the perfect fairytale of hers that she had forgotten to take note of the fact that even in the most perfect world, there are things' there are people who make it ugly. And never did she think that it would be her prince, her hero, who would have turned out to be one. She never thought that she'd lose so much in just about fifteen minutes. She never thought that her baby would become fatherless before even coming into this world.
'I'm so sorry, Di'' he whispered, his heart aching with every tear that escaped his sister's eyes.
'So this is why you married her?' she managed a whisper.
'Yes'' he muttered softly and sat beside Anjali on the bed.
'Di, I wish I could do something ' anything to take the pain away' he whispered brokenly. Tears flooded his eyes and he couldn't control them. They streamed down his face and it was the first time in his entire life that he felt so helpless.
'Is she leaving?' Anjali wiped a tear and asked.
'Di, why are you so concerned about Khushi?'
'Because you married her chottey.' She sighed in exasperation. For a moment, she tried to bring herself to reality. 'You married her, you used her. And we didn't know anything and ' she had to go through so much and ''
'Di, it was her Shyam was after!' Arnav said softly although anger had suddenly taken over him. 'It was because of her that you are in this condition!'
'No' it is because of Shyam that I'm in this condition' not her.' She shook her head, a sad smile on her lips. 'She was the victim, along with me. And I know whatever you did was for me and you had good intentions' but you punished her because of something someone else did.'
'Di, why are you lecturing me like I'm an eight year old kid?' Arnav angrily got up. 'I know what I did and I don't regret any of it. I did it for you. Because I didn't want to see you in the condition that you are in today! And you're lecturing me about how I used Khushi?' he stressed on her name. 'She loved him!'
'No, she didn't,' Anjali sniffed and said with certainty. 'You just assumed that she did but really, I know who she loved. It's been six months since your wedding Chottey, she must have '
'She would never love me, Di,' Arnav cut her midway as soon as he realized what conclusion his Di was jumping at. 'She'd be overjoyed now that she can finally leave.'
And he left the room, the last sentence he muttered hanging over him. 'She'd be overjoyed now that she can finally leave.' He couldn't explain the pain that his heart experienced as those words repeated themselves over and over again inside his head. It was time for Khushi to finally leave. He had never thought how it would have felt. He never thought of it as important because with Khushi, he seemed to forget everything but the present, although occasionally he would snap back into reality. But right now, it hit him hard. It hit him how much he would miss her.
It bothered him immensely when she wasn't in the same room as his' how was he going to make himself okay without her presence in the house at all? How would he wake up and not see her smiling face first thing in the morning? How would he work without yelling at Khushi to stop irritating the life out of him when she wouldn't be there at all? Who would give him a reason to smile every day?
He had tried to convince himself that she was a liar. She was only trying to do this to melt his heart. But he couldn't convince himself. How could someone manage to be someone different with so much consistency? If she was faking, surely there had to be some specific time when she was who he thought she was.
But she was Khushi; The Khushi that smiled and made him smile when times were rough, the Khushi that annoyed the hell out of him but without whose annoyance he couldn't survive; The Khushi who loved everything and everyone around her; The Khushi who made him feel like he was finally home.
She was the one who he had fallen in love with, despite his attempts to push her away. And she was going to leave soon'
~
'He would want me to leave'' she thought, her hands visibly shaking. 'He would want me to go away this very second'' She walked in circles in the room, not knowing what to do. 'Should I ask him?' she thought.
'Ugh, Khushi you obviously know what he would say!' she muttered to herself. But what if he asked her to stay? Khushi almost laughed at the impossible thought. Arnav Singh Raizada would never want her for a wife. She had stayed with him for six months and during the time she had spent with him, she had fallen for his hard composure and the real Arnav that he had shown to her time and time again.
She had stupidly believed that after all the time they've spent together; he might have developed feelings for her. He might have wanted her to stay. But she couldn't bring herself to forget all those hurtful moments when he had said he hated her' when he had angrily yelled at her and told her for the millionth time that she didn't mean anything to him. When he had told her that she was the reason why his sister was suffering and Khushi knew that he loved his sister very much. So much so that if anyone even tried to hurt her, he would tear him apart.
But now her entire life was destroyed and he found only Khushi to blame. The thought made Khushi's eyes flood with tears. What had she even done to deserve this? She didn't ask Shyam to want her. She didn't ask Shyam to cheat on his loving wife. She didn't love him like Arnav thought she did. And she only came to know that he thought so today.
She wanted desperately to go and tell him that whatever he had been thinking was wrong. That she only loved him and him alone. That she wanted him to tell her to stay because she didn't how her day would go by without his sarcastic remarks and without his yelling at her to leave him alone.
She didn't know how her day would pass without seeing him every day, sleeping, first thing in the morning. She didn't know how much she'd miss seeing him smile because of her. All that she knew was that it was finally time for them to part. They were not meant to be. A love that is one-sided can never last.
She just wished. She hoped that he would come by and tell her that she meant more to him than she thought she did. And that he didn't want her to leave because she made every day of his life special.
Wanting to cry and laugh at her stupidity, she walked over to the study table at the corner of the room and pulled out a pen and paper. With shaking hands, she sat down on the chair, and began to write.
Arnav,
I've decided to eliminate the 'Ji' for now because once you said you didn't like it and I kept on calling you that because I wanted to annoy you. But now I don't. Those times are gone and I don't know how these months with you went by so quickly. All I know is that they did and I can never get them back as much as I want to. Arnav, I know you might hate me because you blame me for your sister's tears but I never' I never wanted her to go through the pain. But she is and I wish I could change that. I wish I could change everything. I know you will not believe me but please, read the whole letter.
I hate Shyam. I hate him more than anything in the world. He had made my life miserable right after when I had broken off my engagement to him when I came to know that he was actually married. I swear on Devi Maiyya that I never wanted him to follow me around. I never loved him. I never will. But I do wish that before jumping to the wrong conclusions, you'd have asked me for answers. I wish you trusted me more than you trusted him. I wish you knew how much you hurt me and how undeserving I was of that pain. I wish you knew that.
I also want to tell you that in spite of everything, I love you. I love you very much. I love everything about you, Arnav and I hope you believe me. I love the way you smile, I love the way you frown when I irritate you and I love the way you sometimes look at me' that look when I wear a really nice dress or do something incredibly stupid that you find cute. I love the way you care so much about your family and your sister. I love your dedication towards making people you love happy. And I love the Arnav inside you' the one without the hard, ruthless guard up all the time; the Arnav that isn't afraid of laughing' of feeling' of loving.
I love how you used to make sure I was asleep by waking up at three in the morning during that time I fell really sick.
I love you and I want you to tell me to not go away.
I want you to tell me to stay. I want you. I want to be with you. I want to wake up every day and see your face first. I want to make you smile. I want to annoy the life out of you only so that you would frown the way you do. I want to make your life special. I want you to love me back.
But I don't have control over your feelings and I know that you despise me. I know you want me to leave. I know that you smiled because sometimes I did things that could have made anyone smile.
I still hope. I hope that after you read this, you come out looking for me to tell me that you love me too. But I know that's not what's going to happen. I don't even know if you're even going to read the whole thing! But please know Arnav, that I love you. I will always do. And I want to stay with you and be your wife. I don't care if all of this was based on a contract and hatred. I just know that sometimes, beginnings are rough but we make it to the end' don't we?
Love,
Khushi
She looked at how hideous her handwriting was and how a different places, her tears had fallen. It was a messy letter but it contained her heart. And she wanted more than anything in the world for him to read it' even if his reaction was not the one she wanted.
- End of part one.
Comments are appreciated :)
Anupamaa
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