arhi ff(wedding)Chp 29: Allz Well That Ends Well - Page 31

Hi everyone. so sorry for the delay in updating. had loads of work on my hands. but i have made it up with a really long update. its the longest ny far that i have written. hope you guys enjoy.

this chapter dedicated to zafi for being the first to comment on the last one and amna_ali; dumas; priasweet and indy12 for the lovely comments. thanks all

and last thing; am sorry to those whom i was unable to pm my update and link. i was in a hurry last time and you know sometimes shit happens... sorry again. enough with my chatter, enjoy 😊

(my 100th post...yay😊😊😊)

CHAPTER 18: I AM A MONSTER

There was utter silence in the crowd as they heard arnav intently as he made his confession. No one even dared to move. They were all struck by the pain that was thrown at arnav at such a young age. And the fact that everyone had turned their back towards him at the time of his utmost need. Anjali was doing all in her power to fight the tears that were now threatening to pour out of her eyes.

Arnav had not once looked weak in front of her.

He was always there to offer himself and his support for his di but there was no one to offer arnav a shoulder to cry on, no voice to tell him that everything will be alright, no one to show that they had faith in him.

Even though he had lived close to his di, he was alone.

Arnav had always been alone and now the thought ate Anjali of the amount of pain his heart had held.

He had shouldered the whole raizada family's burden on his shoulders at the age of 19 and had never complained about his life.

He was always the one to provide and he never took anything in return.

He was always the first one out to comfort his di but there was no one to comfort him.

he was always distant yet near.

Arnav had for his entire life run away from feelings or emotions to show that he was strong and that he was ruthless but he was literally killing himself everyday by showing no emotions.

The thoughts that he held, were never shared.

The little feelings he felt towards this world were discarded or hidden to show that he had no mercy for this world, as this world had shown no mercy in destroying his life.

Arnav was breathing deeply. He knew that there was no need to tell them all this but today he wanted to open himself up so that he would finally have peace in his heart.

Finally have peace after suffering for soo many years without uttering a single word to anyone. Without even letting his di know.

Arnav wasn't finished yet. He had just taken a pause, a breather as he had just reminded himself of his old wounds. Whatever he did he was never able to stop the bleeding from these wounds but today after sharing his pain, he felt his wounds to start healing a bit. He wasn't done. Not even by a long shot. He still had a lot to tell.

Khushi: arnavji, you really don't have to do this. I know---

Arnav: khushi, please let me finish. I know I don't have to do this but my heart tells me that it is best that I do. And please khushi, don't stop me. It has taken me soo many years to find the courage to speak my heart, my real feelings. If you interrupt I may not be able to speak again. There is still something I have to say and will not be at peace until I do.

He took in a deep breath. He was just calming himself before he threw himself back into the fray.

Arnav: (the following lines are all spoken by arnav)

Now I would like to tell you as to what happened when you came into my life,khushi. And why I had to hurt you so much.

I would be telling a downright lie if I told you that when I saw you in lucknow in my fashion show it was love at first sight.

It was not. It was hate at first sight. I hated you the moment I looked into your eyes and saw my past self. That arnav who I was forced to kill. You reminded me of my past just by me looking into your eyes. What you did was nowhere near the destruction I had caused that day to you.

I saw you in the room where you were kept for questioning. The old arnav knew that you were telling the truth about getting mixed up but the new arnav in me refused to believe it.

When we were talking I had no idea what you were telling me. all I could do was see your eyes.

I could see your innocence but I refused to believe in it. I hated you. I just wanted to cause enough pain to see you hate me because that is what I deserve.

When you were going to leave that room I wanted to cause more pain. That is why I pulled you in and broke your pearls to see that accusation in your eyes.

When you left I regretted causing you harm. It was never my intention but the monster inside me had closed out all sense of reasoning.

I took the pearls and kept them with me. I didn't know why it was important but I couldn't leave them there. I kept them with me at all times. A sane man would say that I had fallen in love.

But I was no sane man. I was Arnav Singh Raizada and he does not love. He has no place for emotions in him.

That is the only reason that on every encounter with you I always used to make fun of your status. I should tell you that after I met you, you were always in my mind. For some reason or the other I wasn't able to forget you.

Then you came to delhi. And you started to work in my office. The day I found out I had asked you to leave AR. I didn't want you to work there. Not out of anger but by thinking as to what will happen if you work under me.

The monster I had become would ruin everything you held dear. Then I did what I cannot till date justify.

I let you fall from my window for about 10 feet. You might have suffered a lot of pain.

But I, Arnav Singh Raizada did not care. I wanted to cause pain and I had succeeded in doing just that.

I was a MONSTER.

But I regretted what I had done. I hadn't the right to do that. I ordered lavanya to fire you, not because I hated you. But because I knew that I would hurt you too much just to see that bubbliness disappear from your eyes.

Even though everything was taken from me, i didnt want you to become like me, a person who lost everything.

I was very sad when I knew you would be leaving but I knew it was for the best. I should have known that it was not to be. You came back. Even if it was to prove yourself, but you came back. I gave you your contract only because of what I feltat that point of time. I didn't want you to leave.

Still I had caused you only pain. I couldn't see myself in the eye for doing so.

I caused pain to put you down as life had done to me but i failed. You kept coming back again and again stronger and more stronger. Then I sent you to the guest house.

Believe me khushi. Even if I was angry at that time, had I known the building would collapse I would never have sent you there.

When I found out that you were missing and that you had not returned home, I was afraid.

I was afraid that I would lose you. I had immediately left house to come save you. I cursed myself again and again for letting you go there in the first place.

I really felt that I died when you weren't answering to my voice. Then I saw you. Life crept back into me. I had no answers to give when you bombarded me with questions and fainted in my arms. I am terribly sorry for all that I had put you through.

The next day when you came to my house and shouted at me, I let you. I was glad that you left AR. You had to do it. You had to save yourself from me. That was the day I knew it to be a fact that I was a monster.

I NEVER deserved anything.

Then di brought you back in the house. And anger seeped within me the second I saw you. Not because of you, because of what I was capable of doing to you when you were near me. I didn't want you to get hurt but I knew that I was the reason for the tears rolling down your eyes. Those tears that felt like a knife stabbing my heart.

I was afraid for you. Afraid to what I had become. Afraid as to what I might do to you.

But times changed. I started to care for you in my own way. I never wanted to see you cry again. And the day you apologized for spilling coffee on me was the day I was scared the most. Cause after you apologized I had smiled. An emotion, which I had killed while killing the mallik. But that emotion had been brought back to life inside me. I had no idea any longer as to what I was doing in my life.

As you know I had tried to end things off with lavanya then but you came to me to make me understand. I didn't want to. I just hurt you more to make you leave and to stop you from caring about me or about my life.

But you had shown me your tears again. Those tears which had told me that you had expected more from me. I went to lavanya's house that day to patch up not because of what I felt for her. I had gone back for you.

I didn't want to see tears in your eyes. I don't know why I had lost control. All I knew was that I will not let your tears fall because of me.

That was the only reason I brought lavanya back into this house.

Time went by and even though I couldn't do anything to stop it, you had started to take some place in my heart. A place which I wasn't able to destroy khushi. You lived there. Within me.

Then I ended up hurting you again in the nainitaal trip. You were sick because of me. because you cared for me and all I did was cause pain again.

You have no idea how worried I had become to see you in that state. And then I lost control when that goon hit you. I didn't know why.

But the amount of anger and rage that welled up inside me just broke loose.

How dare he hit someone who had made a place in my heart. I hit him and hit him until you finally stopped me. I would have ended up killing them but you stopped me.

That was the day I realized that you did hold worth to me. I had lost in the battle to shove you away. And when you hugged me in the hospital I was shocked.

I was shocked to see you come and look for some support from me. after all the pain I had given you, you still expected something from me after all we had been through.

I was shocked to see that you still saw a good side to me. that you expected something from me.

Then on Diwali, I made another mistake. after putting the payal n your feet, I let the old arnav take over me and saw that I had fallen in love with you.

I cared too much for you. I came forward mesmerized by your beauty and innocence.

I came forward looking into your eyes seeing the care they held for me as well. I came forward to show and confirm the importance you held to me.

I came forward to kiss you.

But as you know I recieved a call and that call brought the ruthless human back inside me. I turned and left you there with a lot of questions buzzing in your head.

I made myself believe that I and you should never happen.

I didn't want to love.

It was a weakness I said.

A weakness that I felt that I didn't need.

A weakness which I decided to destroy.

It was that moment I decided that I would marry lavanya and do anything to distance myself from you so that you will be disgusted with what I did to you and leave me forever with a clear conscience.

I would have done anything at that time to make you hate me.

But you were khushi kumari gupta. You never held any anger. You were too simple, too clear minded, too pure to do what I wanted you to do. I was wrong. The next big mistake of my life was that time when I had decided to marry lavanya.

In the next few days I tried everything in the book to try and hate you and to make you hate me in turn, but that didn't happen. All I did was bring you closer to my heart.

Then I realized the mistake I was doing while trying to get married to lavanya. I would have ruined my life as well as hers had I proceeded down that path.

Thankfully you had changed me enough that I decided to tell lavanya the truth.

You brought me back to life or should I say that you brought life back into this soulless monster that I had become. You brought feelings and emotions back into me and that was when I realized the difference you had brought about in me.

Slowly but surely I was becoming the same arnav that I used to be. The man that I used to be. Without fear, without hatred, without anger. Even if I could deny love, I couldn't deny hatred and the will that I had to rise above it. The will to rise above hate. The will to fall in love with you. The will to care for you. The will to make you my wife for eternity.

But because of one man, all that came tumbling down. All it needed was a PUSH. A push that he gave.

You may wonder as to why I didn't have trust in the woman I had fallen in love with to come and ask you once or give you a chance once to explain yourself. The truth is that I was shattered. I loved my di all my life and she was everything to me. so naturally I had a lot of faith on shyam when I had given my sister's hand in marriage to him. He was the closest thing I could have to calling a close family member. But he destroyed all of it. He destroyed my faith in myself.

He had destroyed in me the ability to believe.

The only reason I didn't give you a chance to speak was because I was afraid as to what you may say. My life was cursed. Whoever I loved were the ones who have betrayed me the most. I was cursed never to be loved. And I didn't want to hear you say it too.

The ones who I would happily take a bullet for were the ones who pulled the trigger. The ones who I would gladly give my life to protect were the ones who would happily stab me in the back.

I had lost khushi. I had lost everything again. Love, feelings and emotions. Deep down I felt your innocence but I never let it show.

I had perfected my mask of indifference. Perfected the act of showing people that I don't care.

That day when you slapped me to make me listen to your truth, you wouldn't believe how happy I was. How happy I was to be proven wrong.

And after that I brought my real self out again.

Just this time, for the last time, I wanted the love inside me to flourish.

I know there will never be enough words to express the sorrow I feel when I recall all those moments that I hurt you, all those moments when you see the devil within me, so much so that I feel that I am the devil himself.

I am sorry for all the hurt that I have given you khushi. You never deserved any of it. You have always only deserved love and affection, which for all the time I have known you I had failed to give.

I am really sorry for it all.

I just don't want to lose anyone else ever again.

Please forgive the monstrosity in me and I promise to never let tears flow from those beautiful eyes of yours ever again.

(and arnav's speech ends here)

arnav breathed. It was all over. Finally. Infront of everyone he had confessed. He had poured his heart out.

There was dead silence apart from the flames in the havan in front of which these two were going to get married. In front of which they would become each others for life.

----------------------------to be cont-------------------------------

Precap: it was now time for khushi to speak.

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hey again... hope you guys liked it... please do leave your comments. and thanks again for having interest in reading my ff. and thanks for the lovely comments even to those whom i havent mentioned above. its your comments that makes me write with enthusiasm.