Posted:
Anant:
Dear Diary,
U know...today after seeing Navya in my room...I have seem to been able to finally kill that confused...and weak Anant in me...I mean she came to my room for god's sake...can u imagine??? Forget entering the house underneath detective Baba's eyes...but straight to my room...sitting right beside me with those medications...Ahhh...I have no words to tell u how much of a strength that step of her gave me...
Rama bhahi said the power of love can do anything and how true it is...navya's entry in my room was like her re-entry into my life and she made me wake up from being almost dead...she rejuvenated me yet again and this time from all the way within me who is now totally focused and level headed as to wat I want!!!!!
But wait a min...why is she making it so much difficult for herself...I understand her hesitancy to say the 3 magical words and I didnt force her to say it either...but atleast she cud have given a affirmation of my trust in her and my belief in her that she does love me...no I dont have to hear it...coz I know she loves me...but I need hear it once from her...I need that final strength to go ahead with wat my heart is telling me to do and to refrain from wat it is refusing to do...In the past few days...navya was only giving me mixed signals and it only confused the hell out of me ...I even tried asking her if she cud leave without me...but she only kept tyring to be a "martyr" and turning her face away from me...but no more...her entry into this prison of principles today ...her anxious face and those worry filled eyes as she looked at me...her concern n doctor-giri over me screamed loud n clear wat I meant to her and infact wat she meant to me and I cannot let go of her...I cannot let myself distance from her and I will not at any cost to that either...but I need to ensure b4 I take the plunge of diving into rough seas holding her hand...that she will not let go of my hand...that she will not get scared of the waves and like she asked me...if I trust her...that she will also have that trust n faith in me that I will not let anything happen to her... I dont want to hear that she loves me...that I know already...but I want to hear that she can allow me to blind fold her eyes and take her to where I want to take her!!!!!
Ahhh...oh well...she isnt going to get out of her "martyr" routine so easily...I guess like Mohan bro said...I've got to create that platform first so can stand on it for me to blind fold her and I need to create that platform fast!!!!!!!
Anant Signing Off
24/06/2011
Navya's Diary
I turn to the right...I turn to the left...I roll onto my stomach and tried burying my face in the dark...but sleep still seemd disturbed from the echoes of Anant's words in my ears..."I love You Navya" and I cannot to seem to find solace to my upside down beating heart beats...
Ritz and Appy seemed so much more confident n upbeat about these words from him...they feel if he can say those words...then he can leave up to them as well...but I ask this question??? Can he??? No...not that I dont trust him...but can I let him go overboard for me??? I mean...yes it feels out of this world to be loved...to hear the words he spoke esp when I have heard it for the first time...but m I really worth all this thrive that Anant is prolly wanting to do...???? who m I ???? A simple dumbo ...geeky type college going gal whoes life revolves around conservative rules ...
He asked me if I trust him...if I loved him...My heart so wanted to jump out of it base n proclaim a loud n clear YES...but wat after that???? Where will all these lead to??? More broken hearts...maybe broken families...and angst and gushes of guilt all around??? Is it all worth it??? I didnt think so...and I cudnt allow the words that were dying to be released slip out of my tongue and I simply had to lock up the unsettled heartbeats in some corner of my skeletal self...
I dont know for how long I will be able to withhold these feelings and this marathon of my heart coz wenever I see Anant...all my defences fail but when I see him in trouble or in any pain or misery...then all my senses give up and I know not of anything above n beyond him and thus to keep him and I out of this situation...I have to withdraw from admitting to him...somehow...anyhow!!!!!!!
Navya Signing Off
23/06/11
Rab Raakha
Shilpa 🤗
