Cessation
My piles of half-truths, false hope and unjustly aspirations were uncluttered.
My hand in beloved's never felt heavy before, it was strangely a different evening. The weather was prodigally humid and I realized I never shared and cared as much as I was meant to. I was breeched in the lion's cave; of course I was not the lion man but a male kind of an endangered species of insect. She knew my truths and she knew that she would descend responsible traits this time if she kissed me goodbye, pinching my skin with her nail was not going to be sane. Intelligent milady, you did not pinch me, I was still a frail servant, almost malnourished against you.
Talking of bodily contrasts, companion was not remote with respect to the issue too. She was wellbore with north Indian Punjabi delicacies and that showed around her belly which she adorned with pinks, mostly. She had to know too, after my hysterical heart attack, she really had to know. She deserved to know, and this realization inflicted pain on me, more pain that the pain at the bottom of my pumping organ, it was medical too, please. She was intelligent, otherwise. But I knew she'd cry and have sore throat and swollen eyes because she was going to lose me. She should have been treating her friends lavishly for the relief, but this was the moment of truth originally for her, not time to be intelligent, yet.
My parents were not hopeful, I was digressing and stubborn. Their reflections in the family-size mirror of our living room had started to appear rueful to me, as though the reflections protruding out of my father and mother pitied them for having me. But I was apologetic. My hysterical cries were sure confined to my interior exclusively, but my sorry and err always reached them, wondrously parent-like!
I was alien, merely disguised as a human with more than usual bones in the ribcage which shined brightly, and it was a cakewalk to trace them on my shirts with the finger. Yes, I do not appreciate your extraordinary gallant. No, just one finger did not hurt. Basically, the alien quotient in me had been calculated by my other friends and they started to leave, one after the other. Life was going to initiate a new phase for them and not me, I knew that already.
But of all my knowledge of my and party's prospective, I did not come to know of one. I did not come to know that beloved was going to have me disapprove her idea of going to the park to freshen up and I did not come to know that she'd get out of my house in fury and I won't bother to explain that I wasn't fit to even get out of bed now. I did not know she would run into a car even two months after her death.
Yes, she died before me. I had collective plans for her and companion, now that I had realized I wasn't going to live long enough to be part of any. I planned on being the forgotten and late uncle their respective children would recognize me as, and their respective husbands would loathe me for what I did to their wives. I was strictly supposed to burn into ashes and be lifeless before them, by all means. But my girlfriend eluded me with her death for two herculean months. For, it was like I had died. For, I did not realize it was not me, it was her, unexpectedly.
Two months did not matter to me, they could clearly have been two days of survival, and I do not wish to remember. But if by any chance, they were really two months for some reasons, I feared how they must have acted on my suicidal best friend, if she had even managed through my absence. Those two months that could have been two days were all night and no daylight, smothering but peaceful. Peaceful except for the times in the night when I would wake up, sweating under exposure to a dream that propelled me into fascinations of their abodes! Sadly, one was dead and the other, miserably away and it wasn't her fault. Hence, none of them could provide me my last warmth. I was still dying, technically, sooner this time.
I entailed two endeavors, now that I tracked and inhaled some wind, I got back to her. I wanted to actually apologize to my parents. I wished to hold their hands and clasp them with mine sandwiched inside and tell them, I will always love them and I will always anticipate that someday I wake up to find out that everything I did to myself and people was a bad dream, that I'd wake up a toddler on the bed between both my parents and be a human being this time. I did it, I was halfway at peace when late in the night, my half-asleep parents embraced me and I squeezed on my mother's side of the bed for a nap, my last nap in a home-bed.
My second endeavor was to explain my plans for my best friend to her, to ask her to not bother herself because of me, if not forget me because I did not want her to. I wanted to tell her that I'd rather found her voice to be sensual on the phone than charming. I wanted to compliment her again by telling she was the second most beautiful lady that ever walked the earth, after beloved. Stupidly, I summed my so-called endeavor into three words ' I love you.
I knew it would arouse hope in her, that I'd fight and that she'd have me in reality someday. She was going to approve me in any shape, with no money, with ragged clothes, without virginity, without considering what the doctor said about my condition. Not regarding AIDS, but the hole in my heart, by the way. I knew her basics and deep downs, but I did not know she was audacious enough of killing her approval of me and shoving me out of her way. She wanted to grow out of her feeling for me but she still chose to be a complicated older-than-her-age teenager. Eventually, she had indeed become one and wasn't merely projecting it to hide her fear from growth, from cruel realities. She wasn't petrified, she was growing. I admired and loved her, I was sure. But cessation was my principal feature, and she was going to have to live. If I could be only humanly normal, she would have been all I needed to heal and I would have been fixed.
I might not have hurt her this time, if only I was human and sound. But cessation was my life's principal feature and for what I decipher as twenty minutes, I landed in this hospital with my bed of a more expensive metal sheet this time to mainly dissolve, to undo my actions and to end.
Cessation, it is.
Ishaan
Edited by -Kanky- - 14 years ago
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