Anant's Diary Entry
Dear Diary...
Ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!...I dont even have the heart to say hello to u today...infact...I dont even know from where to start...wat to write...the cells of my brain seemed to have gone into comma n I know not of anything thats happening around me...I am numb...I am blanked out!!!
Today my worst fears have come true and all thats echoing in my ears having a rotary motion in my mind are the words "its ok"...that came from the one who makes my heart skip a beat, Navya, and the words "aapka vivaah" ...that came from the person who forms the root from where I stem, BABA...2 people...who have managed to divide my soul into 2 pieces and who forms the center of my universe at 2 different zones of my life...Baba being my origination...my identity from birth till now...and Navya...who has become my destination...my future identity!!!!!!
Today I got the resolution to the poundings of my heart against the walls of my skeletal self ...today I feel my instincts have made me a psychic overnight...today I cud so hear the voice of faith speaking with digital surround sound telling me...that Navya and I were NOT MEANT TO BE...Ohhh!!!!!! even the thot of it...d sound of it cringes every nerve in me...
The blurry image from yesterday as Navya walked away from me have become crystal clear as I now decipher that she really was meant to walk away from me leaving me to bury into ashes and become part of the earthly dusts!! When she said to me "its ok...main theek hoon"...my hands that were holding onto the phone receiver for a never ending period of time...began to sweat...I felt the force of the pull that took away the remaining of me from me...I experienced a sudden shiver down my spine n my feet went cold with numbness...I dont know how it feels to be a dead body without its soul...but wat I felt in those few minutes...prolly was equivalent to being in that state!!!!!! And yet I dont know how and why but my heart doesnt wanna believe all that she said...why is it that my heart wants to jump out of my body and shake n wake Navya up telling her..."no...its not ok...tum theek nahin ho"...And why is that...despite such urge in me...I feel so helpless...so defeated!!!!
In those few moments of silence during our phone convo...I only wished that all this was just part of my worst nightmares...that I wake up the very next minute to find myself back in panchgani where life was just so beautiful...where laughter n joy was part of me n Navya and where last both our hearts were at content...
For the first time...I did not want anyone invading my space at that moment...not even my mom...I just wanted to hear her voice...I just did not want to end that phone call...but again...something in me makes me so helpless...I guess it my values...and my defined rythm to do things the way I have been taught...
When BABA began to talk about the ideologies n biological combinations of man n women...I felt like I was on a different planet talking to homo sapiens in alien language...nothing was penetrating into my numb n difused brain...but moment he pronounced loud n clear "Hum aapke vivaah ki baat kar rahe he"...an electric shock of thousand metallic volts came thrusting into each n every veins of my body...and it felt as if all the efforts of the world was being put into waking me up from the dead...Death sounded so much simpler ...so much smoother than those words that my ears withheld...
And from that moment on wards...I have found no peace...and I want only 1 question answered from u my dear diary..."WHY...WHY...WHY????"
Anant signing off 06/02/2011
Navya's Diary Entry
06/02/2011
Ufff...wat a day it has been...heavy...very heavy...from my head to my toe...everything that I own in this body feels heavy...n more so...my heart...
Today when I was brought home by Ritz and Appy...I had never thot that coming home will not mean being stress free...but I was proved wrong...Anant's words...his cry...his pain...his dilemna were eating at me and I simply cud not focus...Dadi was only trying to relieve my pain...she thot I had headache...Ahhh!!!...how cud I have told her that the origination of the headache is coming from my heart...No I cud not sit there with her...I was in desparate need of peace...So after biding goodbyes to my dear friends...I went straight to my room...but the burdens of my heart n soul followed me like a shadow ...Anant wanted answers from me...he was looking out to me to show him the way...but wat cud have told him...n how??? Wat m I??? I dont even know wat our relationship is...
My mind had become a swinging pendulum and resolution to the problem at hand was making things only worse...But u know wat...the one person who usually causes or becomes a problem for me today gave me the solution...and that too...unknowingly...
"karwa hi karwe ko kaattah he...dard toh dard he...rulayaga bhi or takleef bhi dega aur agar dard se chutkaara paana he to himmat toh dikhaani padegi" ...these few words that she was talking about my medicinal milk indirectly became the path for all my queries n cells of brain that had went into dormancy suddenly awakened...I knew my resolution...Anant's resolution...knowing less that wat seemed so simple to do was harder than I imagined!
The moment I told Anant my resolution...a rush of pain that seemed like a million knives stabbing at my heart drew in...Tears bared no boundaries and words seem to roll in my tongue...I was feeling exactly the opposite of wat I told Anant and I realized that this pain was much worse than all the pains I may have received so far in this lifetime...but how cud I tell Anant this...how cud I tell him that nothing was ok...not me...not the situation n neither my resolution...
I had to do wat I did...I had to be courageous like Dadi said...coz I cud not see Anant in that despair...in that state of devastation...n more so...I cud not have bared to see him torn apart due to me...I had to set him free n I had to do this without putting a doubt about my true inner feeligs in his mind...Ohhh!!!!!!!!! it hurts...it really does...and with this I remember this painingly beautiful song:
"sach he ke dil toh dukha he...humne magar socha he...dil ko he gum kyu...ankhen he num kyu...hona hi tha jo hua he..."
Good night dear diary!!!
Navya
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