Someday, will my prince come?
So, a few points—I've changed the time a little, made everything much later in the year simply so that I could put in a totally clichd scene towards the end of the story!! Forgive me.
Also, I'm sure you'll see that this falls into the angsty MB category; yes it's probably all been done before, I just hope I've made Tej and Pammi fit well
This is what I wish would happen
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Chapter 1
As he looked at his sister and her husband as they bickered over something to do with the house Maan was planning to buy in Amritsar, Tej couldn't help but marvel at the way in which his sister's whims were being indulged. It was clear that Maan was only putting up a fight for forms sake and that he had every intention of letting Geet have her way.
Frowning, somehow feeling uncomfortable, he turned and caught sight of his wife; she was standing in the corner of the aangan, an unreadable smile teasing her lips. He stopped, about to call her name and tell her to get on with her work when he saw her hand lift to the corner of her eye- she slowly wiped away a tear and then straightened; after a moment she walked towards the kitchen.
He almost called out to her again—what was it with the silly woman, what on earth was there to cry about? Maan had been shown the error of his ways and he had apologised. It was only right that Geet return to her sasural now, but only now, after Maan had made all his apologies. After all, Geet's happiness was important—his sister couldn't be expected to live with a man who didn't have any consideration for her.
He thought back to what Maan had said to him after their wrestling bout at the akhada.
Maan had been breathing hard from the exertion, nursing a bruise to his chest and there had been blood on dripping from a cut above his eye
"Paaji, you're Geet's elder brother, it's your right to think about your sisters happiness. But I'm her husband. If I believed in such things, then I could say that we're going to be together for the next 7 lifetimes. Her happiness is more important to me than to anyone else"
He'd stopped and wiped a drop of blood from the edge of his lip before he'd spoken again
"I've always loved Geet to the point of insanity. It was because of that love that I was so angry with Dev, but in that anger I forgot how soft her heart is; that she's a woman whose given every part of herself to me. I forgot that together with love, respect is also just as important; I forgot that it's her right that I talk to her with respect, that I treat her better and different to the way I treat anyone else"
He'd stopped and they'd started to talk about other things, but those words had been in Tej's mind since then. He'd come home that evening, Maan by his side and watched as Geet ran towards Maan, scolding him whilst she began soothing his hurts. At the time, he'd been a little outraged that his sister didn't think about how she was behaving in front of all her elders (after all, it wasn't the proper thing to show your care for your husband in such a way, such things should be personal and private).
Tej had made his way to his room that evening, shaking his head at the way Geet was behaving. As he'd entered, he'd called as he always did "Pammi, tauliya de"
As he'd watched his wife silently retrieve the required towel and hand it to him, he couldn't help but contrast the affectionate scolding he'd just witnessed with the downcast gaze or awkwardness that he always encountered when he looked at his wife.
Something made him say her name, then he stopped. She froze as he spoke, but didn't turn back to look at him.
"Aap ko kuch chahiye hai ji?" she asked, her voice subdued.
"nahin bas main..." he stopped again, surprised at his own hesitancy. He wasn't a soft man, he'd never needed coddling, never been used to it. Beeji had never been the kind of mother to offer gentleness in his childhood, striving to make up for the lack of a father in the family. He'd always thought that was the way things were, always thought that the way he lived was the only right way.
Not sure quite what he wanted, what he was trying to say he said "pareshan hone ki zaroorat nahin hai"
"Nahin ji, main pareshaan hone wali kaun hoon, main kyun pareshaan hongi" she'd said as she started to walk out of the door "main aap ke liye chai laati hoon"
Surprised by the gentle bite in her tone he'd uttered a muted "Oye Pammi" but by the time he'd reached the door, she had whisked herself out of sight.
Tej had stood in the doorway for a moment, aware of unfamiliar sensations deep inside him
He'd stood under the cold shower that day, trying to think of the last time Pammi had shown any affection towards him. He hadn't been able to remember if they'd ever had any moments between them similar to those between Maan and Geet, where a simple meeting of their eyes was enough to raise a blush on Pammi's cheeks. In fact, he couldn't remember ever speaking to her with anything more than occasional brusque kindness.
Remembering that day, Tej's thoughts turned again to what could possibly have made Pammi cry. It wasn't like she was a crying type of woman- he'd only ever seen her tears once, on their wedding night. It was probably the only time in his life where he'd tried to be gentle—something about the abject terror on her face when he'd approached her had made him try to be temper his approach, made him try to treat her differently from all the other women he'd been with.
He'd been as quick as he could, as gentle as he knew how, but when he'd rolled off her he'd seen the tears dripping down the sides of her cheeks as her face turned away from him. The sight had made him pause, a vague feeling of guilt entering his heart. He'd never had any complaints from the other women he'd slept with, but those were different kinds of women—he hadn't treated his wife the way he treated them.
Following an impulse, he'd stretched his arm out to wipe her tears, then stopped as she flinched away from his touch. He'd realised that his attentions would only cause her more discomfort so had turned away from her and feigned sleep. He'd heard her get up from the bed and watched from the corner of her eye as she tidied away her bridal finery and went to the bathroom to wash. There had been an emptiness inside him, a strange sense that something was missing. He just hadn't known what. When she'd finally returned to the bed, he'd been aware of the way she lay as far away from him as possible—if she'd been any further away she would have fallen off the bed. He'd drifted into an uneasy sleep, wishing somehow that things were different.
It was as if that night had set the tone of their relationship, and somehow the way his mother treated Pammi had influenced the way he treated her too. They were two people who shared a room and a house; she cooked and cleaned and he paid the bills for anything she wanted. His mother bought her jewellery (though she never asked Pammi's choice) and Pammi had all the respect that Beeji's bahu could expect. She talked and behaved like the silly woman he treated her as, though occasionally he'd catch a look in her eyes which gave him pause. Beeji seemed to have no time for her, treating her more as an unpaid servant than as a beloved daughter-in-law. Things seemed to have settled into a pattern that they had both accepted.
But there was no softness between them; he slept with her when he wanted and knew that she tolerated his attentions because it was her duty. He never talked to her or asked her advice, things that he knew his friends did with their wives- whenever he needed anything, he knew he only had to ask and Beeji would be there with sensible words.
He walked from the aangan and climbed the stairs—once on the roof, he stood in the heat of the sun and wondered what was wrong with him. His life was fine, it was good. He had respect, he had a place in society. Sooner or later he would have children. What more did he need?
Looking down, he saw his wife in the courtyard outside the house; she was laughing at Lacchi's antics—Lacchi as always was nagging Yashpal about something. He stood and stared at the woman before him—he'd never seen her laugh. The thought shocked him; he wracked his brain for just one occasion in the last 5 years when he had heard his wife laugh out loud in his presence, but came up blank. He'd never seen her as much at ease as she was at that moment, and somehow there was a pang of guilt deep inside him at that fact.
Tej stepped forward, trying to get a better look at the expression on his wife's face, but the movement caught her eye and she looked up. Their eyes met and her expressions changed in an instant, too quickly for him to be able to read her face. The laughter died instantly, leaving behind a brittle smile; her body language changed. Pammi looked down and drew her pallu further over her head; before he could call down to her, she had hurried back into the house, leaving Lacchi and Yashpal behind.
He stepped back, then leaned against the wall—the sun's rays beat down on his head as he tried to make sense of the alien thoughts in his mind. Why, after 5 years of being satisfied with his life and his relationship with his wife, was he suddenly feeling unsettled? Nothing had changed. Was it simply that the contrast between the way he treated his wife and the way he expected his sister to be treated was so huge as to be cruel?
Was it the fact that he had seen the way Maan had proven his love for his wife, without changing his innate personality- was it the fact that his younger brother-in-law had managed to show him that having some gentleness in your life didn't mean suddenly becoming weak or unmanly? Or was it simply the fact that seeing the joy that Geet's love brought to Maan's life had shown him what was missing from his own—that such love stories were not simply to be found in the pages of a book or on the cinema screen.
Tej shook himself—these thoughts were getting him nowhere. He had work to do.
Chapter 2
Over the next few days, Geet talked and laughed and generally behaved the way she used to years ago; she became again the smiling girl he remembered from his youth. The very urbane, civilised Maan Singh Khurana, who looked every bit the city-businessman now that he had removed his pagdi, smiled indulgently over her actions and allowed her to think she was having her way all the time.
Tej watched them closely, driven to try and understand this relationship where both partners were willing to change and adapt to the other. Would he have done what Maan did, if Pammi left him—after all, his words were often hurtful, his behaviour towards his wife falling far short of that he demanded from his brother-in-law? Would he be willing to go and face his own saale, to explain why his wife was so unhappy as to leave her sasural? He didn't think so—till now he had never seen anything wrong with his actions.
But he kept thinking back to the moment he had seen his wife wipe away hidden tears. He realised how little he actually knew about the woman who was meant to be his ardhangini; he'd never bothered to find out. He didn't even know why Beeji had picked Pammi for him all those years ago; certainly nothing in her behaviour towards her bahu made him think that she had any particular preference for her.
He ate with his family that evening as normal, for once aware of the number of times Pammi was ignored or belittled; he hardly spoke a word through the entire meal. He knew that most of the time, he would have joined Beeji in telling Pammi to be quiet, or that she didn't know what she was talking about- that fact made him extremely uncomfortable. That evening, long after all the other members of the family had gone to bed, he sat on the roof of his home and thought about his life. After more than an hour of aimless woolgathering, he returned to the room he shared with his wife, expecting to find her asleep. Instead, she sat in a chair by the window, wide-awake and waiting for him.
The sound of the door opening caused her to jump to her feet; she started to say something then fell silent as she picked up on his uneasy state. He could almost see her withdraw into herself, and felt another stab of guilt—he knew why she was reacting the way she was. In the past, whenever he was in a bad mood, or troubled by something, Pammi had provided the perfect target on whom to vent his anger. He'd never raised a hand to her, but she had often taken the brunt of another's misdeeds.
Internally chiding himself, for what was the point of going over his past actions, he tried to make himself look less intimidating.
"Kuch hua hai kya, jo tu jaag rahi hai?" he felt like kicking himself as the words left his mouth—he was so used to speaking to her that way that the words had almost picked themselves.
He watched her draw a breath in, as if stealing herself for his reaction, then she spoke in the perpetually positive tone that she always used. He wondered briefly how hard she had to work to constantly keep that happiness in her voice, then listened to what she was saying
"Woh ji, main kehrahi thi ki aaj mummyji ka phone aaya tha, woh kehrahi theen ki Barjayi ji ki godh bharai ki rasam hai do din baad; woh kehrahi theen ke agar main aajati wahan to accha hota"
He could tell that she was prepared for him to say no—there had been many occasions over the past years when he'd refused to let her go to her maika, often simply because he didn't see the need for her to go. After all, Beeji didn't run off to her maika all the time and none of his aunts ever seemed to visit—so why on earth did Pammi's family seem to feel the need to see her so often.
He'd never thought he would feel guilty about that (he'd never thought about his actions with regards to his wife at all if he were honest) but today, he could still see Geet's pleasure at being home with her family, could see how she was revelling in spending time with them all even though Maan was with her.
"Theek hai, main kal chod doonga, phir jab sab rasmein poori hojayengi, to aajana"
Walking into the bathroom, he watched through the open door as she stood there, stunned. It didn't seem right that she was so un-used to any kindness from him. He stood in front of the mirror and looked at himself; he looked the same but somehow he wasn't the same person who had spent the last five years married to the woman standing in the other room.
He grimaced at the thoughts running through his mind, and struggled to suppress an unreasonable anger at Geet and her husband. Why on earth had they come here, with their obvious love and affection, why had they come to highlight the contrast between what he expected for his sister and what he was giving his own wife?
He finished washing up then walked back into the bedroom. His wife was lying there, obviously expecting him to sleep with her. It had been a while, almost a month since he'd been with her, and she obviously expected him to slake his needs before she went off for even longer.
He couldn't do it. He just couldn't. It wasn't that he didn't want to- he had always wanted her, physically, even back when Beeji had shown her to him as the girl she wanted him to marry. He'd found her softness somehow alluring, specially compared to his own hard lines. That physical need was what made him keep coming back to her, why he couldn't just take a mistress and leave Pammi in peace—there was something about her that fulfilled him in a way that no one else could. He'd tried a few times to satisfy himself with someone else, but he never found the same peace with others that he did with her, and so he always ended up back in their bed.
But tonight, he just couldn't do it, couldn't use her body whilst she lay there just waiting for him to be done. Was that the kind of man he was, one who thought only of himself—the thought disgusted him. He imagined how he would react if Maan was so thoughtless with Geet, or if Nandini's husband behaved the same way; why was he so inconsiderate of his own wife whilst expecting others to treat their wives like queens.
He walked to his side of the bed and lay down, facing away from her; he could feel her surprise, then feel the tension drain out of her as she realised that she was going to be able to sleep in peace. Anger filled him at the thought that his touch was so repellent to her, followed by shame as he realised that it was his own fault. He'd never attempted to bring her any pleasure, the memory of her tears always prompting him to trouble her as little as possible. Was it any wonder that she saw his attentions as nothing more than a burdensome duty? The infrequency with which he slept with her was probably one of the reasons she hadn't fallen pregnant yet; he thanked God that Beeji wasn't the type to be cruel on the basis of a lack of fertility—her barbs were always reserved for lack of intelligence or silliness, and those were bad enough.
As he lay there, he was aware of her slow drift into slumber; even in sleep she stayed as far away from him as possible, clinging to her side of the bed like a limpet. A strange feeling filled him—he was half asleep before he could identify it as loneliness.
Chapter 3
Tej woke the next day at his normal hour; as always his wife had woken before him – the room was empty. He washed and dressed; as he stood in front of the mirror, he looked down and saw the things Pammi had left scattered on the table. Something twisted inside him at the sight of her toiletries, then he laughed, wondering if he had gone insane to be looking at things he knew nothing about.
As he turned to make his way out of the room, he saw the packed case by the cupboard. Pammi must have woken extra early to pack before she went down to take care of her daily responsibilities. Realising that he was going to be alone for goodness only knew how long made him wish he had refused to let her go, then he squashed the selfish thought down as he made his way down to the breakfast table.
During the meal, he was quiet; most of the conversation washed over him without leaving an impact. It was only when he heard Pammi say "Theek hai Beeji, main mummyji ko phone kardeti hoon. Koi aisi zaroori cheez thodi hai, main phir chalijaoongi" in a bright, overly cheerful voice that he emerged from his isolation
"Kya kaha, Pammi"
"Kuch nahin ji, bas Beeji ne kaha ke mujhe kya zaroorat hai jaane ki jab hamare ghar mehmaan aaye hain, to maine kaha ke main Mummyji ko phone karke kehdeti hoon"
"Nahin tu chali ja, tujhe maike gaye hue bahut din hogaye hain" he said, then paused as the table fell completely silent.
"Teji puttar, yeh kya kehrahe ho. Hamare ghar mehmaan hain, yeh phir kabhi chali jayegi"
"Nahin Beeji, Pammi ko jaane do. Hum sab Maan aur Geet ke liye hain na. Aur thode se din ke liye hi to jaa rahi hai."
Shock rippled through his family, especially his wife, as he disagreed with Beeji. He never disagreed with her in front of anyone else, ever. If he ever had anything to say to her, he always did it in private so that as far as anyone knew, he never disagreed with her at all.
Tej felt his mother's eyes on him, then she took a breath and said "jaise tu kehta hai puttar, theek hai." And that was that.
He bent to his plate, aware of his wife looking at him. She didn't say anything, perhaps not wanting to provoke Beeji, but he was aware of her shock—it was the first time in five years that he'd ever taken her side rather than Beeji's, the first time he'd ever taken her side in anything in fact.
Conversation flowed again, with Maan and Geet again bickering about where their house should be, and how many rooms it should have. Tej kept his head down until he heard his mother chime in with some advice, then he looked up and looked straight at his wife. Their eyes met and held, probably for the first time ever; after a few seconds she looked away and busied herself with clearing his plate away.
Looking at Maan, Tej said "Main aata hoon, phir hum tumhare liye plot dekhne chalte hain"
As Maan nodded his assent, Tej continued "Chal Pammi, tujhe chod deta hoon, main gadi nikalwata hoon"
Pammi froze, darting a glance at Beeji "Ji, aap..."
"Haan, ab ja, tayyar hoja, yeh sab kaam Lacchi karlegi"
Pammi stood, her eyes darting between Tej and Beeji until Beeji spoke "Haan, ja Pammi. Jo Tej kehraha hai, tu aisa hi kar"
Tej watched as Pammi hurried to their room then turned back to see his mother's eyes on him. He felt oddly uncomfortable, as if she was seeing something different in him and said "Bas Beeji, main aata hoon" before turning away.
Making his way to the bedroom, he watched as Pammi hurriedly tidied away a few things. She hadn't noticed his arrival; he walked up behind her and was forced to take a step back as she turned and bumped into him. She fell back too, her hand going to her pallu to pull it back into place on her head.
"Tayyar ho to chalein" he said. She gave him a tiny smile and stepped forward to take her bag; she froze as he put his hand over hers and said "main laata hoon, ja Beeji se aashirwaad lele"
He could feel her confusion at his behaviour; he was acting so out of character that he could hardly understand his actions, so it was no wonder that she was confused—he was confused himself. She hurried ahead and bent at Beeji's feet as he followed at a slower pace; a short while later they were seated together in the back of the Ambassador being driven to Pammi's maika.
There was absolute silence in the car, even Yashpal having picked up on Teji's strange mood. He sat with his arm resting on the rolled down window edge, looking out at the passing scenery. Pammi glanced over at him occasionally, as if trying to decipher the meaning of his actions, but eventually she too started to gaze out of the window.
Two hours later, they arrived at her maika. Someone had obviously been looking out for their arrival for as soon as the car stopped, the main door opened and Pammi's mother and heavily pregnant sister-in-law Lajjo both stepped out.
As soon as Yashpal opened the door for her, Pammi ran towards them and threw her arms around her mother, holding on so tight that Tej wasn't sure how the older woman could take a breath in. Tej stood to one side as she turned and repeated the action with her Bhabi, though her embrace was gentler for obvious reasons. He watched as she jumped back with a laugh, putting a hand on the swell of the woman's belly- he wasn't sure exactly what had caused the reaction but was struck with the realisation that she was happy.
He finally stepped forward to greet his mother-on-law, bending to take her blessing before saying "Satsriakal" to his sister-in-law.
"My son, if we had known that you would be the one to bring Pammi then I'm sure her brothers would have been here to meet you. Pammi keeps telling us how busy you are. We're all just so happy that despite your preoccupation, you still take such good care of Pammi"
Not sure exactly what the older woman meant, Tej gave a guarded smile as Lajjo broke in "Yes, Pammi keeps telling us how much you worry about her and her happiness, and how much Beeji depends on her"
Tej struggled to keep the smile on his face as he felt Pammi's pleading gaze on him- it was obvious that Pammi had never complained once to her family about the way she was treated, instead creating the illusion that she was a much-loved wife and much appreciated bahu. He knew that she was terrified that he would say something that would destroy the illusion; what was worse was that he knew that she was right to worry. Only a short while ago, he would have probably laughed derisively or scoffed at the idea that Beeji might listen to Pammi; today all he felt was anger directed at himself, because the fact was that her words were a lie—she wasn't really wanted or needed in her own home.
He looked at her, noting the brittleness of her expression, the raised colour on her cheeks. Her family probably thought she was embarrassed by their revelations; only he could tell that actually she was embarrassed to have been caught in a lie.
"Koi gal nahin, Maa-ji. Jab mein Pammi ko lene aaoonga to mill loonga"
He felt she start at the news that he was going to come and collect her; it seemed it was a trip for firsts as he had never taken her to her maika either.
Smiling briefly, he continued "main chalto hoon Maa-ji, thoda ghar pe kaam hai" She was horrified that he was leaving without eating anything, but he politely but firmly continued to refuse- within 5 minutes, he'd begun the journey home. He sat in the front passenger seat; as the car pulled away, he could see his wife in the rear view mirror. She was standing alone, watching the car drive away- she looked small and forlorn as her mother put her arm around her and drew her into the house.
Chapter 4
Pammi gave a sigh of relief as Tej drove away; it was so tiring to constantly pretend to be happy and accepting, to not scream and shout and cry and demand that she be treated like his wife, not just an annoyance. She would never do it, simply because she knew that there was no point.
As she followed her mother to her room, then asked for an hour just to wash and freshen up, she remembered how she'd tried in the early days of her marriage to try to get to know her husband better, to get him to open up to her. Every overture she had made had been met with blank silence, almost as if he didn't understand what she was offering or what she wanted. After a few weeks of being told "iss ke bare mein tumhein pareshaan hone ki zaroorat nahin hai" she had understood that a wife wasn't what Tej wanted or expected. All he wanted was for life to go on as it always had, with one additional person sharing his room, occasional use of her body and occasionally someone on whom to vent his anger.
She still remembered the first time she had seen Tej—she had been 16 years old and he had been beating up some village boys, no doubt for some infraction or another. He had been 21 then, and already a force to be reckoned with in Amritsar. She'd stood watching the altercation till she was pulled away by her mother, but she hadn't been able to forget the fire in his eyes or the inherent strength he's displayed.
Three years later, when her mother had announced that she wasn't going to be allowed to go to the local college to continue her studies, she'd cried her eyes out, especially when her mother had announced that she was going to be married within the next few months. She'd been distraught, having been amongst the better students in her class—she had dreamed of going to college though she had known how unlikely it was. The news that Beeji had wanted her for a bahu, and that she was to be married to the fiery young man she'd seen that day in the market had filled her with a strange restlessness, a feeling she hadn't been able to understand, but she'd accepted her fate and submitted to all the preparations her parents had deemed appropriate.
The death of her father 2 months before the wedding had thrown her family into turmoil; her mother had been prostrate with grief, her brothers struggling to cope with handling the family's business concerns without a firm guiding hand. She remembered watching, hidden from sight in an upstairs alcove, when Tej and Beeji had come to the house to announce that the wedding would go ahead as planned and that they would take over responsibility for all the arrangements. At that moment, she'd seen Tej as a savior, imbuing him with all the attributes a girl dreams of in her raajkumar.
The two months between her father's death and her wedding had been a time of grief mixed with joy. It wasn't until her mother finally pulled herself together and sat down with Pammi to explain some of the realities of married life that a tinge of fear began to enter her mind. That was two weeks before the wedding. Over the following two weeks, the fear began to turn into dread as she remembered the size and strength of the man she was marrying; some indiscreet remarks made by one of her sisters-in-law added to her fears. Her mental state on her wedding day was no less than abject terror; she still remembered looking at Tej as he'd entered the bedroom and feeling as if she was facing an executioner.
She didn't remember much about that night; just pain and the fact that it was all over quite quickly. She did remember feeling as if her dreams had been shattered, as if her prince had turned out to be an imposter.
Her feelings hadn't really changed over the past 5 years- she was almost 25 now though she felt middle-aged. She still felt like an interloper, who had no place in the world. She filled her aimless life with mindless prattle, trying to suppress the fear that someday her husband would realise how little he needed her and send her back to her maika. Whilst in some ways her life would be a lot easier if that happened, she knew how short lived the relief would be- she would forever be an unwanted blight on her maika if she were returned home.
Sometimes she wished that she would fall pregnant, but it hadn't happened yet. Surely if she had a child of her own, someone on whom she could lavish all the love she had stored up in her heart, all the love she longed to give to someone—surely then her life would have some purpose. But it seemed it wasn't yet to be; Tej seemed to want her less and less, coming to her hardly once a month. She didn't know how to ask him whether he even wanted children- they'd never had a conversation about anything serious. He seemed to consider her incapable of anything other than meaningless prattle and she'd never been sure how to disabuse him of that notion.
There were times when she wanted to weep, wanted to scream and rage and hit him for having crushed her innocent dreams, for not seeing that there was a person inside who could have been a partner to him rather than simply a burden. Sometimes she wanted to do what Geet had done and just leave, just walk out and go wherever life would take her. She'd even planned once or twice how she would do it- had taken to squirreling away some of the money that was the only thing that was lavished on her in her sasural. But whilst that hoarded money continued to increase, she knew that she would never do it; somewhere inside her she still had the unacknowledged hope that the imposter would truly turn out to be a prince.
A knock on the door pulled Pammi from her thoughts; she quickly wiped her face of the tears that had spilled unconsciously from her eyes and opened the door. Raano, the younger of her two sisters-in-law stood there.
"Pammi tu tayyar hai to chal, chai pe sab tera intezaar karrahe hain"
As she made her way down the stairs, Pammi gave herself an internal shake; she would enjoy the few days of freedom she had here before she had to return to her normal existence.
Chapter 5
Over the next 3 days, Pammi could feel the weight lifting from her shoulders. It was if removing the pallu from her head allowed her to return to the carefree days of her girlhood, when all she had to worry about were her household chores and whether she had the right clothes for the functions that were coming up. Being away from Beeji's watchful eye, she laughed out loud, chased her nieces and nephews round the house, let her hair hang loose and generally acted like a teenager again.
Tej, on the other hand, generally acted like a bear with a sore tooth. Pammi had spent so little time in her maika over the past five years that he hadn't realised how used to her presence he was. He found her chatter irritating when she was around but now that the house wasn't filled with her constant babbling, he realised how much he hated silence.
All the thoughts that had been circling in his mind continued to haunt him, his guilt taunting him in the absolute quiet of his room. During the days, he was continually reminded of what he didn't have by the sight of Maan and Geet's happiness; whatever had been between them when Geet had arrived alone had been completely cleared away and they were sickeningly happy. He was glad for his sister, having finally been told how her Daarji had treated her; when he'd heard that news he'd wanted to go to the jail and personally deal with Brij Haanda, but Maan had firmly told him that the issue had been dealt with. Whilst he wasn't the type of man to let another deal with his vendettas, something about Maan's eyes had told him that his interference wasn't needed in this case.
Still, seeing Geet basking in her husband's love made him realise how insubstantial his relationship with his wife was; on his fourth night alone, he lay in bed, his mind filled with so many random thoughts that he felt like there was a shouting match going on inside his head. He thought of Maan and Geet, then of his wife; he knew she would never dream of laughing with him, or teasing him- she would never dare to disagree with him or make her opinions known. She would also never look at him with love, or blush as he looked at her, nor could he imagine her happily accepting his touch.
Was that what he wanted for the rest of his life; a life in which there was no softness, no pleasure. Would he eventually turn into a man like Geet's Daarji, who couldn't tolerate anyone crossing his will, who was willing to allow murder to be committed so that his family honour wasn't maligned. What would his life be like when Beeji died- by then he would have hardened more, become even more inflexible, even more closed off, even more isolated. Would his children be able to approach him, or would they long for a gentle word from him the way he had sometimes longed for Beeji to pamper and mother him?
Why had Beeji even picked Pammi for him- he'd never even acknowledged to himself that he'd noticed her around town. Suddenly it became of extreme importance that he know- filled with restless energy, he got to his feet and walked out of the room, knocking on the door of Beeji's bedroom with a heavy hand. It was only when she finally opened the door, wiping the sleep from her eyes, that he realised that it was the middle of the night. Feeling sheepish, not a feeling he could ever remember experiencing before, he said "Beeji kuch baat karni thi, main aajaaoon?"
It was a testament to her experience of the world that Beeji didn't blink. She hadn't been unaware of her son's turmoil, though she had been a silent observer. Without a word, she stepped back, wordlessly inviting him to come in. Tej walked into her room but then seemed unable to find the words he needed. She sat in her rocking chair and waited for him to find what he needed to say.
Finally, standing with his back to her, he spoke. His discomfort was clearly audible but she didn't say anything. "Beeji, aapko lagta hai hum sahi karte hain?"
When she stayed silent, he spoke again "Beeji, main kuch pooch raha hoon. Kya aapko lagta hai hum sahi karte hain"
When she raised her eyes to meet his, he continued "Pammi is also someones sister, Beeji, someones daughter. She didn't ask me to marry her. She didn't say that she wanted to be your daughter-in-law. But if her brothers were to come to me and ask me whether their sister was happy then what answer can I give them"
Aware that he wasn't making any sense, he stopped and pushed a frustrated hand through his hair "Beeji, when it seemed to us that Maan had made Geet cry, then I was ready to break Maan's bones. Don't Pammi's brothers have the right to break my bones? You were the one who brought her to this house, you were the one who picked her for me
But you haven't talked to her with kindness even once in the past 5 years, so it wasn't that you liked her over-much. Why did you pick a girl who don't even like very much for a person like me? You dole out justice to everyone, but you haven't given justice to your own daughter-in-law"
After a moment, she said "Baat poori hogayi, ya abhi kuch aur kehna hai?"
When he remained silent, she continued "I picked her for you because she was so different to me. I thought that she would be able to bring the softness to your life that I wasn't able to give you. Teji my son, since your father left us, I've had to be both mother and father; I was never able to give you that motherliness that I perhaps should have. Perhaps I don't even have it in me to give
But Pammi has that softness. I saw her and I thought that if she becomes part of our family, then perhaps we'll have some love, some gentleness. For Nandini as well, I thought that she needed to see what a woman doesn't have to be tough all the time"
Tej burst out "But Beeji, when that was what you wanted, then why do you get so irritated with her when she shows softness or gentleness. Sometimes it seems that you absolutely hate her"
She spoke slowly "Teji, when I saw that you weren't happy with her, then it seemed that I had made a huge mistake. I blame her for my own mistake; because of my mistake none of us are happy, neither you nor her and not me
From the day she entered this house, I realised that you only married her for my happiness; I thought that maybe you wanted to marry someone else. She was like that mouthful of warm milk that I could neither swallow nor spit out
The more I saw that she wasn't able to keep you happy, the more I blamed her. And her habits are so different to mine that it became difficult to stand anything she did
But since Geet has been here, I looked at our home, our family, I've seen how we treat that poor girl. And I realised it wasn't right, but what can I do. I'm so used to treating her that way that I don't know how to change myself. I don't know how I can ever seek forgiveness for the injustice I've done her"
He turned towards her, pacing across her room like a caged tiger. "Aapko pata hai, maine kabhi shayad uss se seedhe moonh baat bhi nahin ki hai. Aur Geet ke pati ko main..."
He stopped, unable to voice the unfairness with which he had behaved. His mind was filled with the realisation that he'd spent 5 years punishing Pammi for something that he hadn't even realised he blamed her for.
"Beeji, I didn't want to marry anyone else. Maybe I didn't want to marry anyone then. I certainly let Pammi know that; she kept trying to be a wife to me but I never treated her like my wife. I always looked upon her as a burden I had to bear."
He stopped again, his chest heaving as he sucked in a deep breath then exhaled.
Finally, having come to a decision, he turned and faced his mother. Beeji had always been his support, taking his side whether he was right or whether he was wrong. He needed her to see how wrong they had been in their treatment of Pammi.
"Beeij, I've finally realised that Pammi is my wife. Maybe, finally, after 5 years, I've realised how badly i've treated her, how much injustice I've done to her"
He turned back to his mother and said "Beeji, we're going to have to change. I'll have to change. Otherwise I'll turn into the same kind of man as Geet's other brother, who was ready to kill her. I don't want to be like that Beeji, I don't want the world to raise its fingers and remind me of the difference between what I want for my sister and they way I treat my wife"
He stood in front of her till she raised her head, holding her gaze until she nodded slowly.
"Son, I'll try. But its going to be hard to change such ingrained habits, both for me and for you"
He nodded and then walked out of the room, quietly making his way through the house back to his own bedroom. He stripped his top off then lay down in just his jeans trying to sleep, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop looking at the empty space in the bed next to him. He was almost scared of what would happen when Pammi came back—he didn't have any illusions about himself; he knew that it would be a struggle to change such ingrained habits and it wasn't as if he was a man who had any softness inside him. Still, he was a man who did what he put his mind to- he would do whatever was needed to achieve his goal.
Chapter 6
It had been four days since Tej had escorted Pammi to her maika, four days in which Pammi's life had changed drastically though she didn't know it yet. She'd spent the four days relaxing in the bosom of her family; laughing, joking, enjoying being carefree. There may have been moments when she felt a pang of sadness that she was there alone. If she hated opening her eyes to see the other side of bed empty in the morning, she tried not to think about it. If she occasionally thought she heard her name spoken with characteristic brusqueness, she ignored it. All in all, she did her best to convince herself that she was totally happy.
It was the on the fourth night that she lay alone in her childhood bedroom that she had to acknowledge the truth. It didn't matter how little Tej thought of her, she still couldn't help but feel a helpless pull towards him. She finally acknowledged that small part of her that still believed in a prince who had Tej's face. Turning her face into her pillow, she tried to muffle the sobs of despair that poured out of her at the realisation that she would always be in thrall to her husband, a woman helpless to fight the hope that someday he would look at her with love.
Was this love that she felt, this twisted bitter emotion threaded through with sadness and hatred and shattered dreams. Maybe it was; after all no-one had ever said that love had to be returned or that love was wise. Maybe she had loved him from the first moment that she'd seen him, imprinting on him at the age of sixteen. Maybe she would love him till the day she died, no matter how badly he treated her. She cried until she had no more tears left in her eyes; as the last tear rolled down her cheek she wondered what the future would hold. Perhaps this love would die eventually, allowing her to stand up for herself. Perhaps it would turn to hatred, and the hatred would give her strength. She laughed bitterly; after all if the past five years hadn't managed to kill her love, it wasn't likely that anything would.
The thought crossed her mind that though she loved him, she didn't like him very much- she'd borne the brunt of his bitter tongue and vicious temper too many times to have any illusions about him. She grimaced, knowing that her husband was probably not going to take kindly to any change in the status quo; she was almost afraid of the way he would react if she stood up to him. She didn't think he would ever beat her, but he had the ability to cut her to shreds with his words. Still, she had to start somewhere; she couldn't spend the rest of her life living the half-dead existence that had been her truth for the last 5 years.
This time away from Tej gave her the strength to come to a decision - she may have been trapped in a marriage where she would never be able to express the love she felt, nor ever have hope that she might be on the receiving end of the love that she craved, but she promised herself that from that day, she would try and show him the woman she was inside, not the nervous fool she turned into whenever she was in his presence. After all, seeing the way Geet had dealt with Maan made her realise that loving her husband was no reason to let him walk all over her. Maybe he might even notice the difference, appreciate her a bit more. Maybe things would be different.
Chapter 7
The next morning, as Tej came downstairs, his face showing signs of his sleepless night, he heard his mother talking on the phone
"Nahin Behenji, aap bularahi hain to main zaroor aane ki koshish karoongi; agar main nahin aasaki to main Teji ko bhej doongi. Aap fikr na karo ji, aap ki khushi mein hum zaroor shaamil honge"
After a few more pleasantries, she said goodbye then turned to look at her son. Without a word, he took out his phone; within a few moments he had spoken with his foreman and made arrangements for someone else to take over the farm inspections he had planned for the day. As he finished the call, his eyes met his mother's again- she gave a slow nod, then said "Tejji puttar, tu jab ghar aaye na, to apne saath Pammi ko bhi ghar laana; usski kami mehsoos ho rahi hai."
He spent the next few hours sorting out the rest of the work he had planned for the next three days, then returned to his room and packed a small case. By two o'clock, he ready to leave; he made his way to the sitting area to take his leave. His mother was there but so were the rest of his family, meaning that there was no chance for any private conversation; by the time he'd taken his leave from everyone he was in the car and on his way to his sasural.
The two hour drive had never passed so quickly; before he knew it he was standing outside Pammi's home. For once in his life Tejinder Singh was feeling hesitant. Whilst he knew that he would be welcomed like a king by his in-laws, he wondered whether his wife would be pleased to see him. He expected her to act as if she were thrilled; she had always kept up the facade that they were a happy couple in public, even on the single occasion years ago when he had publically belittled her.
That occasion still lingered in his memory—it was probably the only time he'd considered her as a person with feelings to be hurt, when the sight of her hurt-filled eyes had managed to pierce even his hard shell. It was the reason he tried not to chastise her in public, though he failed to control himself more often than he liked.
Still he wondered what he would see in her eyes today—he wondered if he would even be able to read them, having spent years deliberately avoiding them
As he stood vacillating outside the house, he heard shrieks of laughter coming towards him and the sound of running footsteps. Before he knew it, a small wet child ran past him, laughing out loud. A few moments later, he heard the sound of adult footsteps come closer and as he turned to see what was going on, he felt a body slam into him. He instinctively widened his stance to avoid falling, fighting to keep his balance; a moment later he became aware that his arms were full of a warm wet woman who was struggling to stay upright. His arms went round her and he managed to keep them standing; a second later he became aware that his body had chosen that moment to declare its interest and was about to embarrass him.
He looked down, about to make his apologies to the Pammi's unknown relative; the words died on his lips as he recognised his wife. In all the years of their marriage, he'd never held her so close, not even in the darkness of the night. He'd never seen her so unguarded, her hair uncovered and flowing down her back, the laughter dying on her lips as she recognised him.
The thought crossed his mind that she looked beautiful, so different from the chattering woman he lived with. In his mind's eye, he could see the girl he had noticed against his will so many years ago; the woman in his arms resembled her far more than the woman who he saw every day. She started to step away from him, but his arms were firm around her and she couldn't pull away. He continued to stare down at her, not quite sure what to say; before he could get this thoughts in order he heard his mother-in-law's voice coming towards them.
"Ji, aap" was all she managed before she blushed and renewed her efforts to get away. By the time her mother finally reached their side, he'd allowed her to pull away and watched as she gathered her hair into some semblance of order. She was just about to put it up into an untidy knot when he spoke
"Rehnde"
The single word stopped her movements and she raised surprised eyes to his; before she could say anything further, her mother started excitedly welcoming Teji, drawing him into the house as she spoke.
"Pammi, tu ja, apne aap ko zara sambhaal lo; Teji puttar, yahan aake to yeh bilkul bacchi ban jaati hai, bacchon ka dil behlane mein lagi rehti hai"
Tej watched as Pammi nodded quietly, noting that all the laughter seemed to have drained out of her as soon as she recognised him. His eyes kept going to her retreating figure; after a few moments of politely listening to what his saas was saying, he said "Maa-ji, main nahake aata hoon. Main thoda bheeg gaya jab Pammi se mila."
He made his way to Pammi's room, guided by one of the several small children who were running around. Standing outside the room, he took a deep breath and walked in.
Pammi was standing in front of the mirror, about to sweep her long hair up into her usual choti. She'd changed out of the wet suit that she'd been wearing into one more like the ones he was used to seeing her in; there was jewellery laid out on the table just waiting for her to put it on. He'd never seen her like this, just getting ready to face the world. The thought crossed his mind that she was putting on a mask behind which she could hide herself; he shrugged it away like the idiocy that it was.
"Maine kaha na, baalon ko rehnde, yahan maike mein thodi poori waqt sar dhakna hai." he said as he walked towards her. He stood behind her, watching as she brought her hands down; their eyes met briefly before she turned and walked away.
"Ji aap kaise aaye, Beeji theek to hain na. Maine socha tha woh aajayengi to accha hoga, yahan sab unko bahut pooch rahe the"
She went to lift his case onto the bed, then froze as he moved her out of the way; after a moment, she continued in her usual bright voice "Yahan to sab itni tayyari mein lage hue the ke Mummyji ne bataya hi nahin ke aap aane wale hain. Itne log aa jaa rahe hain, kal bahut maza aayega"
Tej stepped back, fighting to keep himself from snapping at her as he normally would. He'd forgotten how much her chatter grated on his nerves. But he'd promised himself that he would try not to react the way he normally did, so he stayed quiet as he stepped back to allow her to get to his case.
"Kapde nikaalde, main zara naha ke aata hoon" was all he said as he stepped into the bathroom
Standing in the shower, cold water sluicing over his body, he reminded himself that he couldn't expect it to be easy to change the ingrained habits of five years, nor could he suddenly expect his wife to understand his change of heart. He wasn't the kind of man who could openly apologise for his actions, he couldn't tell her that he'd realised he had been mistreating her for years. He'd just have to show her, dheere dheere that things were going to be different, and hope that she understood. After all, he wasn't even sure that she saw anything wrong in his behaviour; he had no idea what she had expected from their marriage. Maybe he'd made a mountain out of a molehill, and there was nothing about their relationship that troubled her.
Still, he wasn't changing his behaviour for her. He wanted to change for himself, so that he could look himself in the eye and believe that he wasn't a hypocrite. He'd have to work hard to control himself, but he could do it— he'd just have to learn to stop reacting to the habits that annoyed him and focus on the things about her that he could like.
In the bedroom, Pammi stood with her eyes closed. What was it about his brooding presence that made her want to fill the air with useless chatter; was she so worried about facing how hollow their relationship was? She took a breath, using the moments alone to settle her nerves, reminding herself of the decisions she'd taken the night before.
Turning to his case, she took out a set of clothes; she laid everything on the bed whist pondering the fact that he'd brought enough clothes for a 3 day stay. She was surprised that he'd remembered to pack a dressy kurta, no doubt planning to wear it to the function the next day. She hadn't dreamed that he would attend, let alone that he would think about appearances enough to bother bringing semi-formal clothes.
She smoothed her hand over the embroidered silk, remembering how handsome he looked in their wedding photos (though the effect was slightly ruined by his brooding expression). She hadn't been in a fit state to pay any attention to his looks on the day of their wedding; indeed she hardly remembered anything other than a feeling of panic and fear. It was only through the photos that she knew that she'd gone through all the traditional rasams, that they'd walked into the family home side by side, that she'd actually been the one whose hand prints were still visible on the wall.
Shaking herself out her reminiscences, she straightened; before she could turn back to the mirror to finish fixing her hair, she heard his voice call from the bathroom "Pammi, tauliya de"
She picked up a large towel from her cupboard (the one he had brought with him was hardly big enough to dry his face) and walked over to the bathroom door.
Knocking quietly, she said "Ji, tauliya", then hesitantly opened the door as he said "Haan, to dede na, ya main bahar aake loon"
Perhaps it was the lingering memory of how handsome she had thought him, or perhaps it was the fact that her maika was not full of a thousand memories of the way he seemed only to tolerate her presence, but for some reason she was exceptionally aware of the strength inherent in the wet forearm he extended to her, his sun-darkened skin golden under the drops of water. Over the years, she caught glimpses of his torso, but she'd never seen him fully unclothed- now was hardly the time to be caught ogling so she handed over the towel quietly and walked away.
She busied herself with her hair; as she heard the bathroom door open, she slipped out of the bedroom saying "Ji mein bas abhi aayi".
As Tej emerged from the bathroom with the towel wrapped around his lean hips, all he saw was a glimpse of Pammi's dupatta as she hurried out. Thankful for a moment alone, he walked towards the bed and began dressing. He was just about to pull on his kurta when he heard his wife walk in.
Pammi walked in carrying a small tray with tea and some samosas. She looked up and stopped in her tracks as she saw the kurta sliding over his muscled chest. A moment passed before she could find her voice, then she remembered herself and said "Aap ke liye chai le aayi ji; aap pee lo to phir neeche aap ka sab intezaar karrahe hain"
Turning, she started to walk out of the door when his voice stopped her.
"tu theek hai?"
She stopped with her back still turned to him, unable to believe her ears
"Ji, main..."
He wasn't sure how to start to try and bridge the gap between them, but he had to take a first step.
"Yahan sab tera accha khayal rakhrahe hain"
Inwardly he winced at the inanity of his questions—of course they were going to take care of their daughter, probably much better care than she received at home.
She finally turned to face him, the surprise clearly evident on her face.
"Haan Ji, bahut pyaar se sab mile, itne dinon ke baad aayi hoon na"
They stood, the space between them filled with years of silence, of feelings hurt or ignored, of disrespect, of misunderstanding and irritation. He struggled to think of the words that would break through the awkwardness between them, finally settling on "to phir tu aati rehna, jab ji chaahe aajaya karna"
He winced at the inanity of the comment- he was the one who had always stopped her from coming; was it any wonder that she was looking at him with poorly concealed shock.
Pammi could hardly believe her ears. Her husband had managed to get through more than 5 minutes without telling her to be quiet, and rather than wanting her to leave him alone he actually seemed to want her to stay. She wasn't sure what was going on, but past experience suggested a cautious response.
Suppressing the urge to fall back on her usual volubility, she said "Jaise aap kahein Ji. Neeche sab intezaar karrahe honge".
Before he could stop her, she quietly left the room. He stood for a moment, contemplating the start he had made, then sighed as he realised how far there was to go.
After finishing the tea she had left (and acknowledging to himself that the tea she made for him always tasted much better than any other tea he drank) he made his way downstairs. Within moments, he was swept into the middle of his sasural with all his saale wanting to talk to him. The evening passed in a flash and before he knew it, he was standing outside Pammi's room. Wondering why he was hesitating, he opened the door then breathed a sigh of relief as he realised she was already asleep. It looked like she had been doing her best to stay awake till he returned; she was sitting in a chair, a magazine lying open in her lap.
He looked at her, aware of the fact that he didn't remember ever seeing her like this. She always woke before him and always stayed awake till he returned. He wondered briefly what she had thought on those few nights when he had tried to find another woman to satisfy him. Had she realised where he was on those nights? He couldn't remember whether he had made any excuses, though probably that early in their marriage, he wouldn't have deigned to explain himself. It was only recently that he had started to tell her where he was going, realising that she might need him if Beeji fell ill.
Shaking himself out of those memories, wondering how many more things he would find to regret, he looked down at her relaxed face. Her neck was at an awkward angle and he realised that he couldn't leave her sleeping in a chair the whole night. He put his hand out to shake her awake but stopped as he remembered a night when Geet had fallen asleep whilst sitting with the family downstairs; rather than wake his slumbering wife, Maan had carried her all the way up to their bedroom. Tej looked over at the distance between the chair and the bed and smiled ruefully. If his saala could manage a whole flight of stairs, he could surely manage such a small distance.
He bent and awkwardly started to life her out of the chair, not quite sure where to put his hands. Once she was in his arms he was suddenly aware of how small she was compared to him. As he approached the bed, she snuggled closed to him for one brief moment, her soft cheek rubbing over the hard surface of his chest as she tried to get comfortable. He froze, not wanting her to wake and find out what he was doing. A moment later she settled, seemingly totally at ease as he held her close.
He shifted, then lay her down; as she snuggled into the pillow, he drew her dupatta away and pulled the blanket up to cover her. Within a short time, he had taken his place on the opposite side of the bed; he lay there, facing towards her for once, watching her as she slept. She was beautiful, he thought. Perhaps her beauty wasn't the conventional sort, but it was his sort; it was time to finally admit that. It was hours before he could fall asleep.
Cricket
