- Denial - AR

I had a dream, I dreamt of you last night. Will the dream ever come true? I doubt it, will you really climb through my window just to meet me and call it a 'just passing through, thought I'd drop in' moment. Lol very unlikely. But then that's what dreams are right, they're designed to please your fantasy and you deary are just that. My fantasy.

The 'post comment' glowed on the bright blue screen but hesitation swept over me just a moment too long and I clicked on 'save draft' instead. Funny thing this cyber world, as much as you'd like to trust it and regardless of how much entertainment you get out of it and how long you spend on it, when publishing your personal thoughts onto it, you hesitate a second and think over what you're about to do. Do you really want to run the risk of letting someone cross your thoughts? The idea of a journal had crossed my mind once but then from all those movies you see and all those horror stories you hear of where someone has 'stumbled' across your thoughts and then use it against you' I just wasn't willing to run that risk.

My story starts like this, I met a guy. And here is where you think oh no' not one of those again' another lovey dovey story that you read everywhere and watch everywhere and the ending is always a happily ever after. Well happily ever after or not, my story hasn't ended yet, I'm merely filling you in on what is now and it's anything but lovey dovey' at least it doesn't seem that way to me.

A little introduction into me, my name is Riddhima, Ridz as my near and dear ones call me, I work as do most of the people my age, I study, unlike most of the people my age and I play the perfect daughter, much to my displeasure. My parent's, as are all other parent's in the world are worried about my marriage, but I have what other daughters don't' I have certain disinclination towards the world of marriage, love and children (in whatever order they come in, I'm not much fussed). The entire institution of marriage, love and children is just so over rated that the feeling of it being just a little too fake, a little too commercialised and a little too, oh what's the word' loathsome? Disgusting? Unwelcome? Those and more' I just don't think I'm made for that kind of stuff. I am me, happy and healthy as I am, why become any different or try to mess with the balance of my inner world just doesn't make any sense.

You must be thinking, she hate's love so how can she possibly have met someone right? Well like all good movies and novels, you'll find love where you least expect it. I'm saying love here when I'm unsure of what it is myself, but there we go.

So to start my story, I was sitting at home one day, very much bored with my life at that point and decided to browse the net as you do when you have nothing you want to be getting on with, assignments at this point were piling up over my head, I was drowning in the pressure that was work and then there was the issue of New Year's around the corner and I was once again blessed with having to listen to 'not so welcome' remarks of how I will be spending this one alone again, if only I was married blah blah' instead of listening to the now so routine lecture from my mum I locked myself in my room and started reading just random blogs that I had been doing on-off till that point.

It was a new thing, I was reading random blogs and getting an insight into the minds of strangers, it was exciting! Scary that I could read minds and they didn't know of it, but the feeling of doing something 'forbidden' almost was exhilarating.

And that's when I came across a piece from 'him', or 'you' as he finally became in most of my conversations to him without his presence. It touched an unknown cord of something I had no idea I had inside and I kept reading. He was writing about the emotions of a child when her mother was snatched away by destiny and how the child was left scarred within. I checked the date and it was dated a great many years back and he hadn't updated the blog in some years now. I was left disheartened, I wanted to continue analysing this mind, reading into the unknown but I had no way of doing so. Disheartened I switched the computer off and went back to the lecture my mum was still ranting, completely unaware that she had been lecturing for some time and no-one was present to listen.

Early January now, blog addiction forgotten, new hobby of going to parties to celebrate the coming of the New Year begins'

'Hey Ridz! So happy you could make it, I want you to meet someone' held by the elbow I was led through the ever growing crowd, most of whom I had never met, but then that's what parties are for right? To meet and greet new and old, dragged to a guy standing in the kitchen holding his orange juice just a little too flimsily for assurance laughing in a low luxurious deep throat voice whole heartedly. 'WOW' was the only word that popped to mind at that sound, but I wasn't being led to him, I was being led around him to the guy in front. Good looking, tanned, handsome enough but my mind was preoccupied undoubtedly.

'Ridz I want you to meet Abhimanyu, Abhi this is Ridz, remember I was telling you'.'

"So this is the famous Ridz. My my Nikki has definitely undersold you, you are gorgeous and everything and more that she had said', great was I being set up here? I was thinking, but then my suspicions were put at bay when Abhi slid his arm around Nikki's waist. He couldn't possibly be hitting on me while holding her like that right? So there had to be something going on between them two. Thank god and oh my god she hadn't told me!

"Abhi and I got engaged on New Year's day, I wanted to be the first one to tell you before you heard from the grapevines, this is our engagement party you could call it. You mad at me for not telling you before?' the quick ramble of words without a second pause for breath and those puppy eyes worked just as well on Nikki as they did on puppies, you just can't be mad when she's like that.

"Mad? I'm fuming that you would keep such a thing a secret and call me here under some pretence! You could have at least hinted' I don't even have a present!" the sadness on Nikki's face up till that last part changed to shock and laughter in a spilt second and she lunged at me for a hug.

Laughing I hugged her back; she had been and still was my best friend, almost sister, closer than blood kind of person for 15 years. You don't throw that away just because you weren't the first to know one of the most life changing moments in her existence. Our friendship was beyond those issues.

"Well you certainly do have a very good friend there Nikki" coming out of the hug I turned to the voice behind us, the deep voice guy was still there and so was that drink, it's going to fall on me was my only thought when I took a step back, one which he noticed and must have taken the wrong way.

"Sorry I didn't mean to intrude, I was just'" the confused look on his face didn't match my thoughts of the drink being spilt but before I could voice anything Abhi stepped in.

"Ridz this is Armaan, my best buddy from yay high, possibly as close as you and Nikki except not as good looking as the pair of you obviously" slapping his back Armaan showered me in the warmth of his white smile.

"Colgate advert is where I think you should be heading Armaan, those teeth are blinding, put them away" outstretching my hand I went for a handshake, a bit business like possibly but it had become a habit since I joined work, everyone you met initially would be greeted with a handshake. Armaan was more of a gentleman and lifted my hand up gently for a kiss.

Not used to be treated in this manner I think my hesitation showed in my withdrawal.

"Don't mind him Ridz, his just old school, does all the gentleman gestures from back in the 60's" laughing Abhi led Nikki away to mingle in their new found relationship, leaving me with 'Gent Armaan'.

"Sorry I hope I didn't offend you, back then and now", back then? When was he referring to? And now I think I was more flustered then offended.

"Not so much offended, more uncertain I think. I don't do the whole being treated like a 'lady' thing, it's erm very unusual and not to mention kind of unhygienic don't you think?"

"Every girl likes being made to feel special though, and you Ridz are definitely special. And as far as unhygienic goes I trust your hands are clean and I'm hopeful you wouldn't be trying to put me off by insinuating that I was in any way unhygienic?"

"Are you trying your luck here Armaan? I must say I don't appreciate'" any other girl would have been lost for words at this very point but I was anything but the stereotypical girl.

"Appreciate what? Being told you're beautiful? Being made to feel beautiful? Or is it you get guy hitting on you so much that you're now immune to my charms?" Oh he was mischievous, and that glint in his eyes laughed in the good humour of our banter

"I don't appreciate being told white lies. Complimenting is one thing, but doing it under false pretence is wrong. I must warn you now, flirt again and I won't be held responsible for my actions" the light laughter at the end of my warning didn't do much to make me sound serious.

But I was enjoying myself here, the banter between us lasted much throughout the night. Armaan it turns out was as much as gentleman like as I was lady, he had charms he could put on and off, they were very much off when we decided to go for a coffee at 3am after the party had started to dwindle away. He was just pure fun to be with. There was nothing else there.

One coffee rendezvous turned into a great deal many more; soon we were speaking to each other almost every night, either meeting up for coffee or online chats. We were yet to get each other's numbers though, it seemed without the use of phone we still managed to arrange meetings etc. fine. But then I had to go away on a business trip and our last coffee meeting I broke the news to him.

"I have to be in Venice tomorrow evening, I'll be gone for a week so coffee will have to wait till I get back". There was a certain emptiness I felt when the news was broken to me 2 weeks prior to this meeting and I couldn't pin point what it was. Looking at his face now I could see the same emptiness echoed on his face, it was like I was looking at my feelings reflected on a mirror. Strange but there you go.

"Would you mind if I asked you for your number so we could keep talking?"