Letter Of Confession
To Mayank,
You might be thinking, why I am writing this letter to you, sweetheart it's just to confess my feelings to you ... you know how I am, don't you ...
In a gloomy life like mine, you came as a ray of sunshine and changed my world completely ... your smile; the way you always made me giggle ... everyone used to be scared of me but you dared to come near me and talk to me ... I hated you to core for trying to break the wall I had built around me ...
I still remember when I first saw you ... we were in grade 10 and you were a new admission ... I used to sit alone on my usual desk ... I remember there was a desk empty in front of me but you chose to sit with me and all I could do was gasp ... I hated you since then ...
On the first day itself, you tried to flirt with me!! How could you, didn't you get the damn signal that you are not suppose to talk to me ... but it was your habit to do whatever you were told not to do ... I kept my cool and ignored you ... months passed and I became used to your presence and your flirting ... and I knew you were successful enough to crack the wall ... but not successful in making me talk - I was still the winner ... but then you started joking and irritating me and forced me to shout at you ... and you were successful, yet again, in dismantling my wall ... how?
The year passed and you forcefully spent your whole year with me ... you didn't leave me alone even on Sundays ... followed me till church and made my life hell!! Sometimes I thought, what exactly you wanted from me, did you want me to hate you till core ... well then you were getting successful with it ...
But I didn't realise that you were slowly conquering my mind and thoughts ... and I had actually started noticing your absence ... I used to feel incomplete when you decided of not coming to school ... but I ignored it and pretended that it was a relaxing day but I knew when it grew dark and I sat on my window, all I thought was about you ... I had started noticing you ...
One day as you held my hand when I was walking out of the church, for the first time I felt nervous as you slowly came near me ... the thing you did next; I had never ever thought about it ... you confessed your love to me and didn't want any answer ... you just wanted me to know the truth behind your constant presence around me and you smiled and walked away while my feet were glued at the same place ... I could not believe my ears; but you could not lie in church or could you ... I didn't know anything and I decided to let it be like that and walked back home ... Nothing had changed and I liked it that way ... but every night, your words ringed in my mind ... you were not supposed to fall in love with me and I was not suppose to think about you ...
The year ended but I being I, didn't give damn to what you felt for me but I could not understand why you started behaving as if you could read what was going in my mind ... you started making me feel your feelings ... how was that possible - wasn't it that you loved me? Then why I felt that shiver that you should have felt ... as usual, who cared to answer my questions?
My nights passed thinking about you and I knew you won - you shattered my wall completely ... And yet again you held my hand in church and I knew, I won't be able to hide anymore ... you questioned me politely and I just stared in your eyes ... I didn't even utter a word and you took me in your embrace and smiled like a fool ... I felt your tears on my neck but I let it be like that and closed my eyes ...
School was the same, but you weren't or maybe it was me who changed ... I started answering your questions ... you started staring in my eyes and forced me to look at something else ... you pulled my cheeks and I felt like a baby ... you started lighting candles with me and always accompanied me to the beach ... you forced me to play with you in the sea ... you pulled me for dance ... or was it that I got carried away with you ... I tried to find my stubborn-self but all I found was a new girl inside me who wanted to do what you did ... You made me sing and do what kids do ... and you made me smile and laugh and do all that I didn't like to do ... you painted my life with colors and I liked it ... when we were together; you talked, I listened ... you said, I did ... and yet I felt some kind of peace settling inside me ...
I was changed ... I started smiling, laughing, singing, dancing, playing and all the stuff that so didn't relate to me ... I started talking to people around me ... I knew the new girl inside me had taken over and I didn't mind it ... I started enjoying my rubbish life because in all that rubbish, I found a diamond that made me shine ... I still remember when we were sitting on the beach and how softly you kissed me ... for mere seconds but that moment was heaven and I understood what had changed but decided to stay silent because you didn't hate my silence like others did .. you just pulled me near and I kept my head on your shoulder ...
And then you went away ... just like that ... left me and went away ... You always did what you were told not to do ... just a week before I had told you not to leave me alone and that's what you did ... you left me all alone ... how could you? Didn't you love me ... you just left - just the way you had come ... why did you do it? Damn you, you shattered my wall and then died leaving me vulnerable ... you weren't supposed to leave me like that ... you loved me, didn't you ...
I still remember your funeral ... everyone was crying ... my eyes were moist but I didn't cry instead I just went to the beach and sat there whole day seeing the sunset of my life ... I hated God since then and I still hate him ... he doesn't exist anymore for me ...
And I decided to build the wall again but this time stronger than before so that no one dares to break it and this time I would also put thorns on it ... Everyone looked at me with sympathy and pitied me ... and it was all because of you ... and I got my answer on the beach ...
I never ever voiced my feelings; only if I would have done it .. you would have stayed ... every night I confess that I love you but all I get is silence ... no smile; no tears; no hugs ... only silence ... it was all my fault ... but then again I decided that this time there will be no wall ... I wanted to live the way you left me ... I knew it would be difficult but I would try ... this time it would happen because I loved you too ...
But the one thing that remained constant was that I didn't allow anyone to enter my life ... the year ended but their questions didn't ... they wanted me to get married though I was just 18 but I refused ... They asked me, why couldn't I fall in love again, I fumbled with words until they pestered me to move on with someone ... I silently answered - "To think about another man, makes me feel like a wh**e ..." ... they asked me to make a choice ... I was no more the part of their world ... I was thrown out of their life but I didn't care ... anyways, they were never the part of my life ...
And here I live all alone, in a new city (there are no beaches here) but I don't know why I don't feel alone ... maybe because I feel you all around me ... now I do whatever you wanted me to do ... and I am happy with my life ... I had promised you to live life to the fullest ... and here I live for you ... you know what, I do what you used to do ... try to bring smile on everyone's face ... enjoy every moment of life ... You never actually left me and I don't need anybody ... Yup, there are days when the emotions take over me and I cry all day and all night .. but I promise you that it will stop one day ... And Mr. Flirt, remember, till the time we meet again, don't you dare flirt with anyone else ... remember, you're mine ...
You know, it's not even a year since you left ... there are still many years before we meet again ... but sometimes I wish; we could meet right now but then I stop because I know; you would never let me come near you ... And I won't be able to bare that ... and so, Mr. Flirt, I'll wait for my time to come and till then I promise to stay; just the way you left me ...
The night is taking over sweetheart, and I just want to say that I love you and I'll always do ...
With love,
Your Baby ...
This story is a prologue to this OS; and an elaboration of the OS ...
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