My Dearest Babu…
I am so sorry to have treated you in the way I did, it was wrong of me and I really do feel very bad. It was a bad timing-it was when my brain was not working-I was upset, I was baffled, I was trying to resurface. Asides from the fact that I fully intend to apologize to you, let me say something in favor of my weak self.
Have you really not noticed, that here of all places, in this personal solitude that surrounds me, I have turned to you? All the memories of my childhood/youth speak to me as I walk, just as the broken glasses crunch under my feet while strolling. I was brought up amidst shady parenting. What they skilled to me as 'right' is 'wrong'. You've made me comprehend it. Trying to daring to be myself is hitting hard on me. I am human and not GOD. How can the changeover in turning my life around be a one-day-wonder? How can I fight going against my parents day- in day- out when I know it from the past that aggressive has caused more evils than solving. I still hear the rumble of past incidents, and in my mind the whole endless series of passions surges forward like the waves. I didn't want another bitter episode of you escorting bhauji to file FIR- amma leaving for jail- bhauji forced to take the case back- amma pouncing to you like a wounded tiger -insulting your gravity in the nastiest way thinkable. All it left behind was you as a loser. Its a lose- lose game for you(for me)! Selfishly, I will be devastated to see you in that position than thinking about helping anyone else. In trying to do so, I lost my cool. Did what I have seen babuji doing to amma when he lost his. I am in a transition period ..but I am quite not there yet! Could you please be patience with me?
On whom should I lean, if not on you? My weary mind turns for refreshment to the thought of you as a thirsty traveler might sink onto a river. And now please listen to me in turn. You have touched me more profoundly than I thought even you could have touched me - my heart was full when you came in my life. Henceforward I am yours for everything....
Yours…❤️