arrange marriage or love?? which 1 stays 4 longer? - Page 8

Originally posted by: souro

@ Red - I have a problem with this statement (not about you making this statement as it's a oft repeated one). Most people (read desi folks) say that arranged marriages are more secure cos they have more family support from both sides. However, what I don't understand is, why is it different for love marriages and why do the families not support love marriages?? Ain't parents supposed to support their child and wish that their child's married life is full of happiness (unless the partner that their child chose is really terrible)??

If the families don't support the marriage simply cos it's a love marriage and wishes for it not to last, then I'll blame the meddling parents and relatives if the marriage actually fails.

I have a problem with that statement too, It is repeated constantly amongst the Asian community. The perfect example I can give you Is of myself, my mother says If I marry of my choice then whatever problem I encounter with my future husband or his family i will have to deal with it myself, as opposed to an arrange marriage she will step in and back me up. What I fail to understand Is why parents do that??, maybe it's because they aren't happy with the fact that we have decided to take this decision in our own hands, It's about us choosing they have a problem with, maybe this is one reason why love marriages seem to flop because there isn't much support and family involovemt. If you analyse arrange marriages, parents from both sides will push and counsel the couple to stay and compromise through thick and thin, with love marriages parents don't poke their nose in as often reason why a quick divorce decision is made. This is what I think - I may be wrong I doubt pretty much btw 😆

Originally posted by: P1nk

I have a problem with that statement too, It is repeated constantly amongst the Asian community. The perfect example I can give you Is of myself, my mother says If I marry of my choice then whatever problem I encounter with my future husband or his family i will have to deal with it myself, as opposed to an arrange marriage she will step in and back me up. What I fail to understand Is why parents do that??, maybe it's because they aren't happy with the fact that we have decided to take this decision in our own hands, It's about us choosing they have a problem with, maybe this is one reason why love marriages seem to flop because there isn't much support and family involovemt. If you analyse arrange marriages, parents from both sides will push and counsel the couple to stay and compromise through thick and thin, with love marriages parents don't poke their nose in as often reason why a quick divorce decision is made. This is what I think - I may be wrong I doubt pretty much btw 😆

Originally posted by: JanakiRaghunath

Parents do that because when an arranged marriage fails, they feel half the fault lies with them since they chose out their son or daughter's spouse. They feel it their duty to support their child and fight for them since the failed marriage is half their fault and they want to carry on their duty until they ensure that the marriage is either safe or their child does not get full blame in the divorce matter. As opposed to that, in a love marriage, the child makes his or her choice himself or herself. If the marriage is on the rocks, the parents are not at fault because they had no say in the matter in the first place. Why should they feel responsible for the divorce...or soon to be divorce? The couple decided to get married to each other on their own...so they should sort out their problems themselves. Basically, the idea is that whoever is responsible for the marriage should support the couple. If it is an arranged one, parents have the responsibility to support their child because they were the ones who chose the spouse, but in a love marriage, if the child married against parents' wishes and regrets his/her choice, he/she is alone in the matter.

Anyway, I know of some parents who supported their child in a failed love marriage as well, because in the end of the day, they still did not want to see their child on the losing side of the marriage, but not all parents who do not support their children in failed love marriages can be blamed either, because their mindset is understandable. If the child hurt them by marrying whoever he or she wanted and regretted their choice later on, they have to suffer the consequences themselves.

I think this is a bit extreme where parents refuse to help when It;s a love marriage because the kid decided to choose his/her spouse. I can understand the mindset of parents who aren't happy with their child marrying someone out of faith but if everything is within your limits then there shouldn't be a problem, they need to be more open minded .

Parents should stop being selfish and support both love and arranged marriages equally, they need to stop looking at who made the decision to marry who, afterall they're more experienced than us, It won't cost them to pass down some handy tips and advice; but help us benefit from their experiences so we can make our sacred union a success.

Originally posted by: P1nk

I have a problem with that statement too, It is repeated constantly amongst the Asian community. The perfect example I can give you Is of myself, my mother says If I marry of my choice then whatever problem I encounter with my future husband or his family i will have to deal with it myself, as opposed to an arrange marriage she will step in and back me up. What I fail to understand Is why parents do that??, maybe it's because they aren't happy with the fact that we have decided to take this decision in our own hands, It's about us choosing they have a problem with, maybe this is one reason why love marriages seem to flop because there isn't much support and family involovemt. If you analyse arrange marriages, parents from both sides will push and counsel the couple to stay and compromise through thick and thin, with love marriages parents don't poke their nose in as often reason why a quick divorce decision is made. This is what I think - I may be wrong I doubt pretty much btw 😆

I agree with you...my dad even said something of this sort.
My parents were talking about this girl and she'd gotten divorced and has a kid (her mother had said to my mom that if you know a guy that is looking to get married, let me know), and my mom says that the girl had a love marriage. My dad says, thats why she got divorced. Kids should leave it up to her parents cause they know best. If the kid chooses themselves then it wont work out...kids just wanna marry whoever they want and they dont let their parents choose and then they end up divorced with a child.

Those werent his exact words but you can get what he said.


@bold: i never thought of it that way, and i have to say that it seems pretty true. I mean no parent will want their kid to get divorced, but the involvement in it may not be so great

Ideally there should be no reason why love and arranged marriages should be one and the same. Parents raise their kids and instill in them their values, thoughts and ideas. As such they should have confidence in their upbringing that children will make right choices. Similarly most children have love and respect for their parents and try to be conscientous of that when making such choices.

I could be wrong, but personally I see the trend going towards love marriages which are arranged. Even the traditional alliance systems are more like arranged dating system, so that people have a chance to know each other and hopefully develop some bond of love before marriage.

Both arranged marriages and love marriages have their pros and cons.

Arranged marriage has family support and backing. Family is sometimes aware of personality traits we are oblivious to and keeps it in mind. It saves the hassle and confusion of the dating and courtship, which to many is frustrating and tedious. At the same time family support is a double edged sword. Sometimes what the family sees as ideal in life is not what a person wants or needs. People can feel compelled to marry and sustain marriages to save face of their loved ones.

The biggest benefit of a love marriage is freedom. A person gets the freedom to choose based on their personal interests, needs and wants. There is no pressure to comply and conform to family or do things to save face of family. It also means broader horizons. But freedom here is a double edged sword. It means the freedom to make mistakes and poor choices. Sometimes people are not self aware to make decisions on their own. There is also the hassle of the whole dating and courtship process.

Another difference that crops in is that arranged marriages tend to have more companionate love which is more stable and secure, but lacks sparks. Love marriages tend to have passionate love which has more sparks and romance but less security and stability. Of course two right people getting married can have both exist in right harmony. But one must know that marriages can tend to lean on one side and sometimes its just a risk reward scenario.

All this again is a generalization. There are many exceptions, factors and variables that can change and affect relationships.

In general I am inclined to believe that it is better to fall in love then marry rather than marry and then try to fall in love. But then again relationships are so unpredictable that you cannot quantify any probabilities of success or failure.

In the end whichever marriage a person is getting into - they should do so only when they are ready to make that commitment. They should know what they are doing and not do it under any pressure. They should do it because they love each other and are compatible or have confidence that they can.

And my favorite advice which I repeat many times is. Sometimes the person you marry is not the one you cannot live without, but the person you can live with for a lifetime. Just because you cannot live without someone does not mean you can spend a lifetime with them. Just because you don't fall head over heels in love with someone does not mean that you cannot live a happy loving life with them. That person who you cannot live without, might actually drive you nuts when you live with them. They maybe better in your life as good friends, acquaintances or some other role. And that person whom you thought of just as another friend can actually be the person who you can surprisingly be at ease with.

As they cheesily joke in movies, it can be true in real life too. What you are looking for is right in front of you. Just like you search the whole house and turn it upside down for the car keys only to find them in your pocket where they were all along.

"Marriages are made in Heaven"

Originally posted by: Believe

If love itself becomes such an intimacy that it is unbreakable, tht is another thing, that is not a legal sanction..... Legal sanctions are needed only because we are afraid.... we know that our love is not enough.... we need the legal support for it.... we know perfectly well that we can escape or the woman can escape, hence we need the Law or contract to keep the lovers together... Bt I feel this is ugly, to need a Law/ system to keep you together.... That's what marriage is!...if love itself becomes the marriage, that is another thing, altogether different!😊

Originally posted by: JanakiRaghunath

More than legal, marriages are religious. Even people in true love get married because they want their bond to become purer in the presence of God. That is what the main meaning of marriage is: that God gave the couple permission to be bonded with each other eternally and to become intimate with each other in every way. God is the purest thing out there, that despite how 'pure' their bond might be, it will become purer for a couple to get married under the respective religious rites of that religion and invoke God's blessings. God's blessings only come when a couple gets married because otherwise, their relationship is not pure if they sleep with each other and live with each other without God's blessings. And if a couple doesn't care about anything else but their 'love', then they really are not in love with each other but feel obsession, because true love does not ignore their family, friends, and the practical part of society to do what they want.

I don't see marriage as a legal transaction, because back in the old day, it wasn't. It is a religious rite to invoke God's blessings for the couple.

If the couple from two different religion...which God bless them!! ...both !?? ok its all different beliefs...the real fact is love is insecure...And nobody knows where love will lead.... It is just like a cloud moving with no destination.... I believe love is a hidden cloud, whereabouts unknown. Nobody knows where it is at any moment of time.... Unpredictable ...no astrologer can predict anything about love. Abt marriage? astrologers are very, very helpful....Man has to create marriage becos man is afraid of the unknown.... On all levels of life and existence, man has created substitutes.. for love there is marriage...People believe Marriage is more permanent than love.!! People believe marriage is a security... the registry office, the police, the court are behind it... the state, the society, the religion... they are all behind it. Marriage is a social phenomenon!! thats why everybody doing the same thing!! otherwise...who will try this!!😊

i personally feel Love marriges lasts more then arrange coz in arrange u know the guy when he brins the rishta or whatever but in love u kno the guy u trust him! there are alot of things