20/21 may: big things, little things

sorry this bt,lt is late. but after all the paramedics had left pcp's place... and i spent an hour on the phone assuring mom that i didn't need to be airlifted to the nearest hospital to get a ct-scan to make sure that my old rib injury hadn't come undone and pierced my lung... and spent the hour after that assuring pcp's mom that i could get home on my own without losing consciousness again... and then, reaching home and assuring mom that passing out at pcp's place was not a big deal, that i was all fine, that pcp's mom had some extra towels she wanted to get rid of, which was what i was clutching under my chin, that the ''aai-hai! mar jawaan!'' that i was periodically muttering beneath my breath was just the in-thing at school after the indian election results.... 🤣 seriously! how else could this bt,lt be anything but really late! 🤣

so sorry if you have been waiting long to get the usual neat, clinical understanding of the big things and little things of the 20th/21st shows. 'cause... you are definitely NOT getting it anyway!!!.. how can you expect anything clinical and understanding after these two shows??! i'm torn between 🤣-ing wildly and phrooling just as wildly! how can any torn person write anything clinical and understanding?? it's impossible, i tell you! impossible!!! 🤣

oh man! what a pair of shows??!!!

20th may

* little thing: aww... heer can't sleep and she comes to check that prem can. seriously, this girl's totally unbelieveable! how can she love prem like this??? he was sooo right when he told her ''not to be so good that it makes his guilt even worse!''

* little thing: did you all wonder what it is that she stopped herself from doing before she got up? was she going to clear his hair from his forehead? touch his hand in a sleeping phhandooh? or... was she gonna touch his lips, quiet in repose and soooo totally kiphphable! *omg! i did not just write that!*

* little thing: er.. did the gementor** land up just to taunt heer about prem sleeping on the terrace? rub it in 'bout vitchface suffering like heer? what was gementor trying there??

'cause i bet gementor was not trying was to alert prem to the fact that his mother is a cheap liar, was she? 'cause, who else thought that prem's face at the end of that sequence was ... aware in his sleep? that his nostrils were flared? his eyebrows furrowed in anger? er.. only me?

* little thing: eh! exactly who was heer talking to as she prepared her husband's favourite breakfast for him? she was so loud i was looking carefully at the scene to find who she was talking to! 😆

* little thing: yikes! who else went 'ewwwwwww!!!' when the gementor wiped prem's face and said ''good boy!!'' at his finishing his breakfast? omg, that was ''ewwww!!!!'' i mean, even if gementor is faking it, that was ewwww!!

* hungry hc thing: gee, was he packing away that ... paratha? fast! er... doesn't that speed of ingestion cause indigestion or s'thing? 😆

* little thing: prem's faking being mad(e) at heer. but then what is he mad at, that he should frown at heer like that before leaving?

* little thing: man! ag does sorrow well! i was amazed at the way her eyes looked distressed in that converstation with nihaal! *which still doesn't mean that these people should keep heer sad all the time, mind you!*

and btw! nihaal looks much happier without vitchface in his life! or... is that so obvious it doesn't bear writing down? 😆

* little thing: oooh, heer's flashbacks - with her old outfits and those pretty hoop earrings with the pearls at the end!! i sooo want heer to get those earrings back!

* little thing: but i must say... that entire sequence of heer getting nihaal's chain to sending it off to her conversation with meher was a tad too long. i wonder why they spent that much time on it..?

* little thing: ewww! gementor spying on heer-meher. seriously, y'know how the dementors of the hp-movies never show their face? i will now think that the face under those black hoods are not skulls, but that face of gementor's as she spied on heer-meher from the window. 🤢

* prem-as-boss thing: ooooooooh! and that too, angry boss prem! shaggy dark-haired, dark-browed, dark-jawed, dark-eyed, dark-frown, dark-shirt... all set to bite the head of poor accountants. aai-hai! mar jawaaan! 😆 no wonder bossette heer is banging away at keys to get him to come help her out when he lands up at her office, all huffy and apologetic and sneaking looks at her, and trying not to... ☺️

* little thing: but oh, wait! prem at office without a suit and tie? what's up with that? 😆

* phhandooh thing: y'know? at first i thought: gee, that's a new type of phhandooh. totally heer hand action. no prem hand reaction. and a microsecond later it struck me! actually, it was a prem-hand initiated one! think 'bout it. when he checks the keyboard -- with that pretty prem profile so close to heer's face that prem-cheek is practically begging for a kiphph! ☺️ and his hair! what has he done with his hair??! it is all so... um... stare-able at! i spent all of a minute wondering exactly what part of him heer was admiring as she gazed at his face? it was all so.... admirable! ugh! argh! darnit! what was i saying?

oh ya! he checks the keyboard! 😆 and finds that there's nothing wrong with it. and then? any normal person would've left? what does prem and prem-hand do? prem just stands there, in the same position, leaving his profile for heer to admire some more! and prem-hand? it just sits there! on the table! under heer's nose! tempting her! what else was poor heer0-hand to do but do the phhandooh. 🤣 evil prem-hand! 🤣

* prem thing: heer admits it was an excuse to get him close. and instead of fuming, what does he do? he just stands there, staring into her eyes.

what was sweeter was -- when they are interrupted, what does prem do? he stands up, with his hand on the back of heer's chair, like he intends to be there for a while. then it's like he gives himself a good mental shake! ''what's he doing?! he's mad at heer!'' 😆 that's when he picks up the file and walks away!

😆 that was one of those few rare times that i thought to myself ''poor prem! man, he's sooo hooked!'' 😆

* little thing: so who else rolled their eyes when the accountant started that story 'bout having left the house angry at his wife? ya, ya, 'kay got it! just like prem. ya, very sad -- not! can we skip the cliches here?? thank you!

* heer thing: oh the joy with which she almost skipped up to prem, grabbed him by the arm and yanked him to the couch to feed him lunch!

* little thing: 'kay, dunno 'bout the rest of you. but i giggled madly at the note-passing thing. so funny how we used to go and on 'bout the prem-heer silences where they were doing full conversations. now they're silent and passing notes to their conversations? what happened -- after marriage, you can't get close enough to read each other's eyes, kya? *giggling madly just at the memory of it...*

* preet thing: 'kay, he has just got to stop interrupting these two!!! although i did start another giggling fit at how he dived at the vegetable saying ''bhindiiiiiii''.... and got conned by prem to eating dal-bhat instead! 😆 *btw, dal-bhat is a really big thing in nepal.... i sooo don't want to eat that for another two months, at least!! 😆*

* heer thing: 'kay, 'kay! i know it was kinda corny. but i loved the pleased look on her face as prem got away with the bhindi... i did! 😆

* little thing: gee! what remarkable coordination on gementor's part! she lands up at office asking for the accountant - and she gets heer (instead of any of her three sons or husband!) just as she planned to! man! what planning, no??

so, i wondered ... do we get to hear tomorrow that the accountant's wife didn't have an accident after all? that it was a false call that gementor made? 😆

* little thing: man! is gementor cunning or what?? a cock-and-bull story that needs money -- and totally convinces heer not to tell prem!

although, one thing that i'd have wondered is -- why should'nt prem know?? i mean, it's an old case, right? so... er... am i missing s'thing in wondering why it should be kept from prem? or is it just the fact that blackmailer is being paid off that should be kept from prem? *really confused here...*

hmm! at this point, i was actually confused at gementor's behaviour. i couldn't figure why she came to the terrace when heer had come to look adoringly at her prem. and then of course, why she was tracking heer's moves and spying on everything heer was doing. oh well. as long as prem-heer get a chance to hang around at office, making goo-goo eyes at each other, and doing the occasional phhandooh, i'm actually unconcerned 'bout much else. so that was mostly just a rhetorical question 'bout gementor... really. 😆

highlight of the episode: prem growling at the accountant that he'll go get the hotel reservations file from heer himself... 'cause he's got other stuff to do with her. 😆 oh yeah, prem? like.. what? 😆 heer lovingly admiring the profile of prem's face as he is peering at her machine... standing just more than a little too close to her chair, of course... ai haai! mar jawaaaan! 🤣 *i'm actually thinking of adopting that to replace ''omg!omg!omg!'' -- what d'you think?*

**: gementor -- gayatri-mom who turned into a dementor! 🤢

ya, ya, the bt,lt for 21st may follows next. and er... try to not post until i take at least the next two posts, woudja? 😆

21st may

* little thing: harman and lalit juneja all dressed to kill for a meeting! i must say - harman dresses up well. 😆

* big thing: btw! in one of these shows, did we actually get a scene where harman calls maya's obscene father and tell him that maya has abandoned jzoo??? can we be that lucky??! the shrimp has been vanquished?? yipppe! one down, one to go!! 👏

* little thing: preet getting hauled off for the meeting by the ears by harman and lalit juneja, whining that ''bhaiya has taken my tie''! 😆 he's such a cartoon!

* little thing: er... who else chuckled at the sight of a laptop in front of ... lalit juneja. no really. was funny to think of someone who has retired a long time ago, sitting in front of a laptop at a meeting when most of the others just had paper files in front of them!

* little thing: i liked harman's reaction when lalit-juneja said that all his three sons will deal with the hotel contracts... and his reaction when lalit-juneja said preet's name.

mel! look! your protege is finally growing up! he did that scene quite well... 🤣

* preet thing: his little grin and reaction when harman calls him about the contract -- ''don't get scared. just sign it.'' 🤣

* prem-in-heer's flashback thing: omg! that was such a perfect prem! he comes to heer. they are alone and of course, he puts his arm round her and pulls her to him.. omg! 😍😳 and the way he looks at her when she's all ''i can't do this.. give it to maa!'' his smile! aaai hai! mar jawaaan! and of course, the coup-de-grace: the way he brushed her hair back, tucked it behind her ear, and caressed her cheek before assuring her and walking away...

said this before, saying it again: no-one does prem like hc... 😍

* harman thing: no seriously! harman deserves a thing finally -- for that scene with preet! what a sense of humour -- man, that was great! totally loved his ''you? you were thinking? stop joking 'round, preet.'' 🤣 how perfect was that? paying preet back in his own coin! 🤣 *seriously wondering why they can't work more comedy into this show... all the characters (other than maybe prem and heer who do ... um... other stuff much more perfectly! 🤣) would do it perfectly!! 😆*

and then i loved how he acknowledges that his baby brother is trying to make him feel better -- ''i know you're saying this 'cause you think i'm hurt. i'm not - you deserve to do this contract. you were there when i abandoned the family. but i'm gonna work to make bauji realise that i've come back too.'' cool, prem's bharat. very, very cool!

*thinking* d'you realise that this is the second time that harman has pulled a fast one on us, the audience? the first was when he stood up for heer when that stoopid father of maya's was shouting at her in some party he had paid for at the hotel. and now this. go, bharat!

* heer thing: i dunno why really, but heer waiting out at the gate for prem to come back home was ... touching. she's just soooo desperate to have prem with her, and at peace and happy, no? after everything they've gone through, this is all she really wants, no? heer!! 🤗

* prem-heer thing: when he gets out of the car, his first look at heer was tired and ... wary. and then, the way his face lightens at her bright grin at him, and the way she grabs his coat from him. and by the end, when she gestures that they go in and grabs his arm, he's got a small smile on his face, going where she goes, doing what she does. that scene was soo ... perfectly prem-heer, it is indescribable, no? *sigh! happy sigh!*

and heer's line: ''it's the year's first rains. we'll definitely get wet!'' 😳

why, oh why?? would anyone ever want to do anything to separate these two? why??! you'd have to be a real black-heart! *sigh*

* prem-heer-in-the-rain thing: y'know what i loved? the way he just stood there and watched her after a while. after giving up trying to be sensible with her. he stands there, chin on hand, holding his coat, leaning against the door. just ... watching. we didn't get a close up shot of his face, i know. but... i bet he was smiling.

and then?! when it looked like she was having just a bit tooo much fun without him, he darted forward to grab her into his arms, toppling her off her balance. 'cause, what better way to really have her in his arms, though, no? ☺️😍 he can't even let the rain get closer and have fun with heer, can he? prem..!

and y'know what i thought? watching them do their little prem-heer-thing in the rain? that there was a strange romance to this pair that i've never seen before? and that it's an ancient romance. something that is not of this world. i think i've written this before -- was it in response to a scene? was it in a story? i dunno. but seriously, these two are just wonderfully ... romantic as no-other pair i've seen before.

i've seen angad-kripa in kyph, all intense and steamy. i've seen laksh-kt in ksbkbt, all sweet and innocent. and they were wonderful. but prem-heer? prem-heer break all bounds. they bring back irresistable, irrevocable, irrefutable, romance. they are the essence of romance! like ... no-other couple for me. like ... i can't explain more than this. they are romance... *sigh* i'm doomed, amn't i? can i now be certified and locked up? *burying my face in my hands with deep shame...*

so for me? i really have stopped caring what forces of nature, the world, and all evil are against them. or not. i care 'bout them. i believe in them so deeply that no prem-heer no longer exists in my world -- it's an impossibility! 🤣 'kay, 'kay! i said i can be locked up, no??? 🤣

prem-heer-are-one, guys. warning: i'm gonna say that forever. so if you should feel lost and alone and are missing it, watch out for a bt,lt. as long as it's there, i'll be saying it. 😊

* little thing: 'kay, it was kinda eww seeing the gementor trying to do an eye-conversation with heer, even though heer was asking for it. but i started giggling wildly when prem notices it, and then gives heer his own smiling eyes and says ''let's go?'' to her! man! was that prem being jealous of heer doing eye conversations with gementor or what??! 🤣

* little thing, big thing, prem-heer thing, mind-scrambling thing****: er.. heer asks prem to ... er ... change his clothes and then wipes his hair for him.

'nuff said....


for now! 🤣 please, check end of this post for what **** stands for. 🤣

* prem thing: as the gementor is scolding him for getting his hair wet and asks him what ''bachchpana'' is this, prem has the biggest sweetest smile on his face. he, who probably didn't have a silly childhood, is getting one 'cause of heer. who else thought he was remembering her round-spinning dance in the rain as gementor was going on and on in the background.

* ewwww thing: gementor saying ''shabhash'' in a baby-ish way to prem when she makes him sit down for the massage. ewwwww.... 🤢

* big thing: no matter how much gementor might be faking, it strikes me as chilling how gementor twisted things for prem to hear. what made me want to shout was how she kept saying ''don't misunderstand me.'' and ''i know heer very well.'' oh yeah, gementor?!?! when did you get to know heer? when you were lolling 'round in bed all day, being dressed and fed so that you could keep your round face, pretending to be a vegetable, not doing any work, all 'cause you had lost your beloved son? was that when you had long conversations with heer? was that when you helped her make decisions like getting married to ratpal to help out the junejas? was that when you comforted her? was that it? was that when you got to know heer?

prem knows heer from the bottom of his soul, you.. twisted pretzel**! there's not a thing you can say -- to him, to her, to anyone on earth -- that can make him think any less of heer. no matter what he does -- he knows her inhis heart. do whatever the heck you want, you... twisted gementor!

btw, personally, this episode and this segment made one thing clear for me (i think! 😆): i'm guessing prem is faking it. i'm a little less certain about guessing that gementor is faking it.
but i think it's clear that gayatri-mom and prem are not faking together. she wouldn't have done this conversation if they were, no?

the only thing that stops me from thinking like this is... what vitchface said in the next segment.

* little thing: watching gementor oil prem's hair, i sobbed at the injustice in the world -- that beautiful hair! and other than prem and heer, who gets to touch it? gementor! in gementor state, no less. 'twas as bad as seeing that (other than heer) vitchface is the one who gets to hug prem the most... there's a serious lack of justice in the world. er... not that i care. i hate prem, y'know. 😆

* little thing: man! vitchface listens in to all conversations??! she admits to gementor that she was eavesdropping on gementor-prem's conversation in his room. then she admits to gementor that she was eavesdropping on gementor-heer's conversation 'bout the blackmailer. btw, that was an interesting reaction on gementor's face when vitchface admits that, no?

man! no wonder prem and gementor have to fake their bad behaviour to heer all the time! if they don't, who knows when and where vitchface and shrimp will catch them out on their faking it! no? 😆 seriously...

* little thing: but no matter how much i'm fiercely holding out for the case that gementor is faking it, it was creepy hearing gayatri-mom saying that heer has to be taught that she can't promise to give evidence and then cheat. creepiest had to be her saying that heer has to be taught that she can't steal everything from her, 'specially her son. *brr! shiver!*

* little thing: but i must admit to feeling sad at seeing prem asking heer 'bout the money. maybe it was that upto now, heer has been perfection in being open with prem. prem has held secrets from her; has created situations where he had to apologise later. but heer hasn't - ever (i think). and now?

*sigh* gementor was right. prem-heer-are-one and will always be. but with this one situation, prem's total and unfailing trust in heer will have a reason to shiver and shake...

* hc/ag thing: hc was perfect in that scene, he was! as was ag! man, are they perfect as prem and heer! the way he really has outward reaction when heer comes in with milk for him, chattering 'way 'cause she is all happy and thinking that they are back to their ''moments'' again. he's sitting there, answering all her commands obediently. what perfection was his voice! 😍

and then he questions. first quietly and ... hopelessly? 😔 prem..! 🤗 (please remember that i hate you! but you deserve that one..) and then, as heer tries to put him off in increasing desperation, acting as if she is one of those wives who are always in the mall shopping, and spending all their husband's money! omg! what a perfectly fake act! heer! i could see that you were faking it! do you think for a moment that your prem wouldn't see through it??! heer, you ... duffer! you had to join him even in that, didn't you??! 🤣hheer! 🤗
after all, where prem goes, heer has to go. what prem does, heer has to do to! 'cause
heer prem ki prateek hai.
aur prem? prem heer mey sabsey zyaada samaa hai.
heer aur prem ek hi hai.
ek hi hai, heer aur prem. 🤣

but what was heart-wrenching was that at her drama, he looks ... more hurt, to the bottom of his soul, than angry. and who else can feel that hurt as much as heer? who, when she hears him quietly say that he will never ask her questions again, closes her eyes as if to shut out knowing that she is the one who has hurt hre prem like that.

i remember, during sanjana times, gementor had convinced prem not to tell heer of sanjana, saying that heer wouldn't understand. and i remember thinking then that gementor was showing signs of wanted to keep her special turf with prem protected and safe from heer by doing that. 'cause i thought that prem deliberately keeping things from heer would be unforgivable. i still haven't forgiven prem for not having fought harder against gementor then. and now.. now, i'm not sure that i can forgive heer for hiding stuff from prem like this, without finding out more 'bout gementor's story! at the very least, i thought, heer should've asked someone! -- preet, lalit-juneja! -- 'bout this whole blackmailer stuff. i mean, i know that she trusts gementor blindly. but still... i wish... i wish!

*sighing firmly!* well, wishes aren't horses. and i can't get everything i want. *that's what mom keeps telling me, all the time! sulk, sulk!* but i'll still with what i want most. *which is what mom says i should do. sulk, sulk, anyway! 😆* and what i want most is prem-heer-are-one. forever.

and i think i have that. 'cause you know what was the biggest 🤣 thing for me today? wait, lemme ...

* biggest thing: last time prem was angry with heer, he gave her a long un-understandable bhashan about how some moments are lost for ever... and then wanders off into jzoo with pillow and blankie looking for a place to sleep. today? after she has spent the whole day running after him, making his favourite food, conning him to come to her, making him enjoy some bachchpana in the rain, driving him crazy with her love and care while being drenched and dreamy-eyed and ... *sigh*... and then gementor comes and tries to tell him that heer has changed. and then heer shows him that she has changed -- that she is hiding something from him, what does prem do? prem quietly says with hurt that he will not question her anymore and? climbs into his side of their bed!!!! did anyone notice that??!! no more going off into terraces for young mr. juneja! it's his bed with his wife in it for him from now on! you have nooooo idea how much i 🤣 and 🤣 and 🤣 at that!! one night alone and prem can take anything but life without heer. prem!!! 🤗

'kay, 'kay! stop shaking your heads at me! i told you i'm hopeless? i believe prem-heer-are-one. 😃

*deep sigh* i cannot help but admit this -- no matter how despicable i think the rest of the show is in having to have resorted to this slow degrading (imho, act of) gayatri-mom-turned-gementor, i like prem-heer in this. i like prem-heer-are-one in this. it's still wildly melo-dramatic. hysterical. too much time dwelt on the bad guys winning. too little time on the good guys winning. bad story pacing. terribly packed with social cliches, and wild character swings. terribly shrill background music - specially for the dramatic parts. some very very boring bad guy dialogues - which is terrible especially 'cause the bad guys get so much screen time!! 🤢 but.. it's got good photography. editing gotten a bit better. i's got some of the loveliest characters ever in a hindi soap-opera. it's got charismatic actors. it's got hc and ag. 😍 and prem-heer. and it's got prem-heer-are-one. 😍 i'm good... 😃

so i'll keep quiet. and keep w&w to see how these creatives will keep doing what they've done so far -- surprise me with how prem-heer-are-one will prevail. and while i'm waiting to watch, i'll just go out and search for khushi's caps of last night's episode. and hope that mom won't have to call the paramedics like pcp had to do last night... 🤣

highlight of the episode: are you kidding me???? with the kind of detail that moment needed, it's written about in ... the next post. 🤣 oh, and i loved how prem watched heer spin in the rain. and i loved how he had to run out and grab her... as if he couldn't bear to be left out when she was having such a wonderful and ...er... tactile! moment with the rain! *omg, i can not believe i just wrote that! hiding brick red estee face in my hands!*

**: ''twisted pretzel'', a phrase that lana (lghosh) came up with for a really mean-mean-mean! character in smitha's (sshekar) destiny -- i think! 😆

****: what did you think? that one post would have space enough for me to talk 'bout that scene? vent 'bout that scene? rant 'bout that scene? keep dreaming, phorum-phriends!!! whether you read it or not, i have to talk, vent, rant 'bout that scene from the bottom of my heart! even if i have to stay up all night to do it!!!

khushi! where are those caps??! 🤣

*er... mod-am, i said that in a very respectful and humble tone, 'kay? really! i need caps of yesterday -- where? where?? oooops! excuse me while i get pcp's mom's old towels and wipe the anticipatory drool off my poor doomed keyboard... 😆😆😆*

* little thing: at the end of the prem-heer-in-the-rain thing, who else went ''argh!'' and slapped their foreheads when we got to see mopey-divorce-lawyer and gementor in the jzoo hall?

man, what a romance-killer that duo were! a divorce lawyer no less! and the gementor!! who's pretending to be a mother!! and then, when we got to see prem and heer being happy and bright in their room, i remembered giggling and thinking that if they could smile after having seen those two, then their romance can survive anything! 🤣

* little thing: heer will really do anything -- forget the past, forget the future -- to live in the present, live in prem's love, won't she? i marvel at how heer today is truly what you would expect of someone who has lost her love to death and got him back -- she will make the most of every moment with him!

* little thing: what is it 'bout guys being wet that makes women think they must lecture them? 😆 i mean, she was all drenched too. and yet, she must come to prem, lecture him and then wipe his hair herself.

me? i think she just wanted full and unquestioned access to that hair... 😳 i mean! she's been eyeing ever since the 20th may episode, damnit!!! 🤣

* prem-hair thing: d'you realise that this was the first episode (well, ever since he came back pretending to be hip-hop! 😆) that prem didn't object to his hair being fooled 'round with?? in fact, he looked like he was still in the mood of being a kid and fooling 'round in the rain -- what a nice chabbu, round-round face he was making with his smile.... oh! khushi's got caps! so here, i demo prem's chabbu round-round face with a smile 😆

* big feel-hot-and-bothered thing: is very difficult writing 'bout s'thing that makes you feel hot and bothered. and this? this did make me feel hot and bothered.

what is weirdest was how it all started in such a mundane way. maternal-heer scrubbing boy-prem's manly mane. 😆 and i remember thinking after a heartbeat or two... that gee, it's going on and on. she was having fun with it... and prem continued to sit obediently, tolerating her ... playing with his hair! 😆

hi 🤣

was waiting since wen....😆

☺️ posted caps of 21st may....do inlcude it...😍😆

Originally posted by: Anhdara13

E! I didn't watch the episodes. And I'm kinda glad I didn't. I shall be back to edit this when you are done.

😆 radzie, your holiness! why didn't you watch the episodes?? is it 'cause chanting ''prem-heer-are-one, prem-heer-are-one...'' over and over in your head is prohibited for the religious head of the entire western world?

*looking furtively to the left and then to the right, and dropping estee-voice to a whisper*

go ahead and say it. it'll be our secret! and yesterday's show was - good! has chills, thrills and all that good stuff... now if only they can be persuaded to tone down their background score to a less hysterical one, we may actually have something decent! 😆

one more part to finish the bt,lt... waiting for khushi's 21st may caps to load... 😆

*whistling ''khabar nahin'' tunelessly in my head as i wait for 1500 odd caps to load up to pick and choose what i need... oh, tempora, oh, mores! how will i ever - ever! - be able to choose!!! 😆*