Hey guys,
Well, I had written this story nearly a month ago, don't ask me why I didn't post it!!! I was too lazy to edit and proof-read it!!! My exams will start shortly, I have only 5 exams over a period of one month (Too long), I have a lot of holidays in between. I just finished revising thrice, so thought of posting it!!!! It's a bit off-key and you might find bani really weird and a psychopath but you might just sympathize with her!!!!
Do leave your comments!!!
ENJOY!!!!
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The Inheritance of Loss...
She let out a pleasure filled sigh as he entered her?her breathing subsided as the act got over and he lay beside her?fondling her intimately?she let out of a stifled moan?he brought her closer to his masculine taut body and closed his eyes trying to sleep?he fell into a deep slumber within minutes due to the tiredness?hours flew by?but she lay wide awake enslaved in his arms?she turned to look at the clock?it was midnight?slowly entangling herself?she came out of the bed?she dragged the crumpled cotton bed sheet with her and made her way toward the dress mirror? ?
Her imagination was her saving grace as a child but it was a double-edged sword... she could imagine she was divinely beautiful, famous and universally loved?but this woman in the looking glass had such sad droopy eyes and her long hair, the color of charcoal, was perpetually in a state of disarray?her sunken eyes and medusa-like curls made for a disheveled picture? she was short, not too short but short.... her button nose was pressed... her face a bit oval and her forehead almost square?
Her mother came from a lineage of graceful women of Himachal, her two sisters were fortunate enough to have inherited those traits? flawless skin, gleaming grey-green eyes, lithe beautiful figures?she was destined to be the odd one out, to look like the father who had walked out on them?
All she knew about him was that he came from a royal Rajasthani family...and even though she was too young to have committed his face to memory, it stared back at her every time she looked into the mirror? raven black hair, olive skin and deep dark chocolate brown eyes?
She failed to see the fairness of it all or the humor? she felt unbeautiful? not ugly, just diminished? she turned around to look at the sleeping figure, she thought about Jai? he deserved more? she wasn't it?but she couldn't think of being with another man... she loved only him?she desired him, but her mind frequently disobeyed her? ?her sense of purpose overpowered her naked emotions? ?
She was the epitome of a successful woman, where young women in her organization tried to emulate her...the men admired her ?she wanted to tell them not to because there was not a bigger failure than her but the words never formed and she left it at that?
She had practically cheated him today, to be honest?she did so because she didn't want to hurt him? for days she had spent insomniac nights in the bathroom and bawled?because she couldn't carry that onerous baggage anymore?she turned up on the water and let it take away the hotness of her tear drops?she felt light?she was constantly fighting an inner battle with herself as well as the whole world?she wore a fake mask of rigidity in order to hide her angst? no one would understand what she wanted?what she was searching for?it might sound irrational and unreasonable?but it was something she direly longed for?her thought process was a face of sadism, she knew it but she accepted that sadism as there was a retail reason attached to it? ?
She felt something inside her?she knew it was coming?and she was desperate?she changed into a pair of casuals, she wheeled her suitcase from inside, planting a sorrowful kiss on his forehead she left?praying for his happiness and well-being?she left?maybe forever? ?
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The security check was done?Bani unmindfully sat in the Mumbai International Sahara Airport, her huge suitcase stood still near her seat? she was going back to from where she had come?London, she looked at the family seated in font of her, a middle-aged husband and wife with their cute daughters?they were laughing and smiling, it reminded her of her family which was once so perfect, Why things were so dynamic?? Why was a change required??? Why could time be still just like she had read in a poem, Time you old gypsy man will you not stay, put up your caravan just for another day? ?But indeed time was not a gypsy man neither it would stop its ever-continuing caravan? ?she suddenly felt tears well up in her eyes?
"This is no place to be weak?Bani?" she kept repeating to herself; if only she had not suffered form that premonition? if only she had not been through what she had, if only her father had not down trodden them, if only her mother was alive today, if only she could come to terms with herself? if only her life was not an unending failure?if only she was so obsessed with her inflexible mythology?
"Could fulfillment ever be felt as deeply as Loss? Love must surely reside in the gap between desire and fulfillment, in the lack, not the contentment. Love was the ache, the anticipation, the retreat?" so true she thought as she flipped the pages of the book?she had made her choice to suffer for the loss of her love rather than live with it? she heard the flight announcement?the flashbacks of the recent past replayed in her mind as she went closer to her destination? her brain raced back in time, the moment froze in her memory? ?
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Bani was visiting India nearly after 6 long years, she felt strange?unknowingly so?she was born and brought up in India, lived her childhood there?but still the prospect of coming there didn't excite her?the last time she had come here was when her mother lay on the death-bed?
Her mother herself had destroyed her life because of somebody who had left her long ago? ? she never smiled again?from that day Bani kind of loathed love, especially marriage? she had always believed that it was love that kept her family bounded, that was beautiful but it was love that had destroyed everything?everything was burnt down, only the dark grey ashes remained? her mother had stopped smiling?but she had smiled again, on her death bed, a weak satisfying smile from behind the oxygen mask, she was happy to be going away from this materialistic world, she wondered whether she loved her at all, yes she did, but her love for her husband over-powered her love for her children?
"I am sorry?Bani?but mamma loves you?" was her last words?her body died and her soul breathed a new life? ?
And as she saw her mother burn with the dark shadows of the fire dancing in the air what she felt was hard to describe?gloating cruelty and triumph to see her mother go contently or wretched despair of loosing every thing she ever had? ?
The world had become a clich for her since then? The sky was blue, the sun was shining bright, and the birds were singing in the trees...It was hot enough to fry chips; the air smelt of pencil sharpenings; the sky was tinged with violet?
Bani felt weird? she had been restless.... she felt goose bumps?as she entered the house in which she once lived? her baleful eyes fell on the swing, it was still the same?she neared it and caressed it lovingly?she felt the familiarity creep in as she roamed around every corner which held memories of the gone past, she knew she belonged here?she felt known just like the knowing of a child who is able to capture and recognize the voice and laugher of his mother, while she is in a crowded room? ?
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Jai Walia ordered himself a coffee?caffeine gave his day the perfect kick start? he preferred it without sugar... It added more to the bitterness in his heart... he should stop calling it bitterness, it was emptiness...and an empty heart was worse than death? when nobody stays there, when you don't wait for someone to come home the heart gets sad? he often wondered why he used the word heart? all his scientific knowledge told him that the heart was incapable of thinking?
Yet, he could feel a deep pain and sense of loss there? ?a sense of deep irrecoverable loss?and he hated to think about it?but never tried to forget it?his childhood was littered with the shouts and screams of his two quarrelsome parents whom he never appreciated?his inconsiderate mother who was more interested in her kitty parties and social gatherings than her own son?his father more or less vanished?his parents separation was indispensable?he was a teenager when he came to know that his father had a mistress and a son too?his step-brother?during his last days he had divided the property between the two step-brothers?he hated the fact that his father never really cared about his well-being, as he worried about his illegitimate son?in a fit of mad anger he had refused to take any penny and vowed that he would make a humongous empire?and he had succeeded in doing that as well, he had reluctantly performed his father last rites?
He disinterestedly drank the tasteless cup of coffee with an outlandish name? he felt the lukewarm go seeping through his body ? it was highly unsatisfying?his cell phone rang?a jolt back to reality: a client wanting for a quote; then the bank wanting some details; a famous magazine looking to put him on the cover? it was time to go back to work? ?he enquired his P.A. about his day's appointments?the new international company with which they were working jointly was very eager on starting the work, who wouldn't want to work in India, after all it had become a hub for everything starting from IT, medicine, engineering etc etc? in fact their architect had already come down to India? and today he was all set to meet the person, he read and re-read the project file, hoping that everything would be fine as this was one of is very ambitious projects? ?
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Bani Randheria and Jai Walia met, there were no fireworks but both of them felt an uncanny attraction towards each other?something held them together, probably that feeling of loss which either of them experienced?they were likea pair of actors trapped in a reconcile play with no hint of plot or narrative, stumbling through their parts, nursing someone else's sorrow, grieving someone else's grief? they worked together with elements of mutual sexual draw lurking around them silently?they argued, they bickered, occasionally agreed and finally their much awaited project was on a roll? which would last for another 5 months? ?
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He looked at her retreated figure standing by the window?her slim curves was covered by the silky gown?the thin straps exposed her shoulders? she was as desirable as desire?he felt aroused?he walked and stood behind her?she could feel his presence?she turned around?her face was splashed by a few rain drops? ?they kept staring at each other?jai slowly bent down and kissed away those wet drops? ?bani's breathe dipped? ?her hands moved to touch him?her grip over his arm tightened when he kissed her? ? he started planting tiny kisses around her ears and down her neck, she felt the earth move? ?
Longing and yearning?touch and taste? smell and sound?all become one when they came together as one?moving as one?their hearts beat together?their breaths intermingled?lying on the soft bed?they stared into each others eyes as the passion rose... caressing each other?their eager hands moved all over the place in desperate attempts to map out their bodies? ?
"Beautiful?" he whispered between appreciating breaths?her body responded, ecstatic?
They moved against each other as the passion raised... their tangible senses heightened?their mutual need became unbearable?their increased body heat made them sweat?they kissed, caressed, held each other...sighing, they writhed and twisted?discovering each other? Bani let out a sharp cry as they reached the climax? ?
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Bani knew it was much more than just a physical attraction?she had had her share of very few affairs, some of which were physical too, but she never felt so complete?she knew she was falling for this charming, handsome man?and she was aware of something else too her fear of commitment?
Jai felt some what the same, he had been with many women but no one seemed to ever come near bani? she was something else altogether, her imperfections seem to be more attractive to him?but as his golden rule said "No-commitment"?
They both came from the same school of thought?marriage was something they both dreaded, they had a first hand experience of 'marriages' which were no where pleasant at all? neither of them swore any promises, or commitment, they were happy being together, and they knew once this project got over they would go their different ways amicably so?
Their imperfect nameless relationship was more than just perfect for them; it was liberating?
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Jai stirred around trying to protect his eyes from the sun rays which were hurrying into the dark room through the openings of the draped windows?giving up he woke up to find bani missing?he wondered about her whereabouts, wearing his pants he walked around the house to find her no where in sight? he searched the room again, her clothes were not there, nothing which belonged to her was there?Did she leave?? But why so he tried finding a reason, the project had just finished, they planning an inaugural party, and then suddenly why did she leave???
He felt anger rise inside him, how could she be so obnoxious, she could have told him that she was about to leave, why did she have to run away like this?he hated it, well, it hardly mattered to him, she was any way going to leave, what was the big deal about it?
His cell phone rang with a loud noise; it was Roshni his old friend, he smiled?
"Hi Roshni!!!!"
"Let's meet up fro dinner?" he hung up the phone?
He looked at Roshni with dismissive eyes, a perpetual smile pasted on his handsome face, he somehow controlled himself from yawning?he hated listening to her, meeting up with her was something he regretted?there was nothing whimsical about her unlike bani?she only talked about some stupid fashion trends unlike bani who could just talk about anything be it sports, politics, business, economy, history, literature, art, with panache?she was over dressed unlike bani who could even look gorgeous in a baggy pant and shirt? she wore a thick pack of make-up unlike bani whose face glowed naturally?
He suddenly realized what he was doing fro the past one hour; he was comparing Roshni with bani?Why???? He screamed from inside, Bani, that listless woman who had just left like that, he hated her?
"Let's go to my place jai?" Roshni said suggestively?flashing her eye-lashes which he knew were artificial?he looked at her nervously?
"May be?some other time Roshni?I just remember an important meeting?" Jai said before leaving in a huff leaving behind a much bewildered Roshni?
Bani looked around the serene winter landscape?the icy mountains, the so covered roof-tops; everything was white?with just a bit of green vegetation?she saw people surrounding her busy in their own little world, she felt like an intruder, out of place?strangely, she had come back to the place she loved but a sense of loss filled her heart, she felt she was in a alien land, a whole new planet? ?she was standing on an earth, unaccustomed to her basic senses? ?
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Nearly 7 months later? ?
"And was it his destined part
Only one moment in his life
To be close to your heart?
Or was he fated from the start
to live for just one fleeting instant,
within the purlieus of your heart?"
{Ivan Turgenev}
Jai fastened his seat belt as the flight was about to take off?he was going to London for a business meeting? London certainly did remind him of Bani?the woman who came into his life like a silent breeze, then like a whirlwind turned his life upside down and silently went away leaving behind his catastrophic self?he wanted to meet the woman who walked out on him, not knowing the reason for this urge, but he wanted to?
Jai was busy eating his lunch in a restaurant when he got the shock of his life, color drained from his face when he witnessed the sight in front of him? Bani was walking in along with a man, her belly was hugely rounded and protruding, she was heavily pregnant? ?he observed her take a seat in another corner, it was very much evident that she didn't notice him?he heaved a deep sigh?and stood up?
"Hello Bani?" jai said trying to be as calm as possible when his interiors were ready to explode?Bani froze as she heard the voice, she crossed her fingers and prayed religiously that it should not be him but her luck?she looked at him with fearful eyes?
"Hello, Jai?Nice to see you?" she pretended to be composed?
"Nice to see you too?I guess Congratulations are in order?" he said fakeness dripping in from his every said word?
"Thanks?" she mumbled?
"Will you not ask me to join you, for old time's sake?" his expressions seething with a sarcastic glint?
"Sure Jai?please sit?" she said controlling herself from fainting, she was not expecting him?it was so sudden and out of blue that everything went blank?
"Thank you so much bani?" he said glancing towards the man seated besides her who was thoroughly confused?
"Jai, meet Ron, my husband?" bani said forcefully clinging on to Ron's arm?Jai looked at the man in a baby pink t-shirt, his face made up as if he had swallowed something hard and it was not going down his throat?jai gave him a very amused look?
"Oh!!! Hello Ron?you didn't invite me fro your wedding?"
Ron just smiled at him not knowing what to do?
"It was such a private affair and everything happened so quickly?" she trailed off?
"Well, I think I am disturbing the two of you, I should better be leaving?I have an important meeting lined up?" jai said as he got up?
"Oh!!! Bye Jai?it was nice meeting you?"
"Same here, bye Ron?" Jai said as he left?and he surely didn't miss the sigh of relief on bani's face when he left?
He headed straight to his office? something was surely amiss; a woman who was against commitment just a few months back was married and pregnant too? it was indigestible?Why did Bani get so nervous looking at him??? She was hiding something?and he had to find that out?
"Wasn't he Jai Walia?" Ron said?
"Yes, he is?" bani said grumpily?
"Bani are you mad???" Ron almost shouted?
"Shut up Ron and let me think?" Bani said drinking the glass full of cold water?
"You shut up bani, what were you doing, And when did WE get married??? My boyfriend will kill me if he comes to know about this, my poor baby?" he said squealing in an unusual tone?
"Oh Ron!!! I am leaving bye?BYE!!!" Bani said and left the restaurant in a huff?bani knew by the look on jai's face he was very much unconvinced about her cock and bull story?and he would certainly not leave this matter, after all she had walked out on Jai Walia? for her own selfish reasons though?she bit her lower lip thinking about his reaction when he will come to know about the truth?
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It was late in the night, and bani was feeling anything but sleepy, she hated it, for the past two days only one thing revolved in her mind Jai, Why did he have to come to London for a meeting of all the places? getting herself a bowl of chocolate ice-cream from the fridge she slumped into the sofa?she caressed her belly?what if?tears streamed down her eyes?she wiped them from the back of her palm?when suddenly the door bell rang?
"Hai Bani?" jai said sounding terribly instigating?
"How did you get here?" she snapped?
"Andar nahin bulaogi?" he said as he barged in?
"Jai?tum?" she couldn't find any words for her defense?
"Nice house?" he said as he flopped himself on the sofa?
"Jai?tum jao yahaan se?my husband will wake up?"
"Really, I met your dear husband yesterday; he was with his boyfriend?"
"He?he must be John, Ron's twin brother, he is gay?" she said before bethinking anything?
"For GOD'S SAKE BANI, FOR ONCE STOP LYING?" He gritted his teeth?she knew the moment of truth had come?she quietly sat on the opposite couch?and got hold of the ice-cream bowl, digging the spoon inside the molten stuff she ate a spoonful and calmed her nerves?
"I am not married?Ron is my best friend?" she said as casually as possible?
"And this child?"
"It's mine?"
"I know it's yours but it just couldn't have dropped inside you from the sky, you must have well?you understand, if until you went the scientific way?"
"Why are you so interested in me??? I get married or not, I have child or not??? It is my bloody businesses?who the hell do you think you are to just barge into my house and question my existence?"
"Steady dear?don't stress yourself, being the father of the child I have every right to question you?"
Bani gaped at him open-mouthed?
"How??"
"Ron was such a sweet heart?"
"I will kill him?" bani said
"Why did you do this bani?" he asked his voice soft and mellow?
"Jai...I?" she failed to answer him?
"Was it an accident?? We were careful?"
"Jai, please?"
"I have all the time?"
"Jai, I wanted a child, it may sound strange or insane but I wanted a child, my own child, I had stopped taking pills?I was a week pregnant when I left India?"
And this time it was jai's turn to gape at her?
"Why me????"
"Because I love you? I was nothing but being selfish?I kind of used you to be honest but I love you that is very much a fact?"
"You are simply ridiculous Bani, you love me and are carrying my child, and you didn't need to inform me?this is pure sadism?"
"Jai it's a bit complicated, you won't understand?"
"I want to understand bani?please tell me?what kind of love is this bani?"
"Jai, I had a very troubled childhood, my father left us I don't know why, and my mother waited for his return for her entire life till her last breath but he didn't come, my sisters were old enough to understand the gravity of the situation?but I was this confused soul, my father left me, my mother ignored me, and my sisters were busy in their own little world, I think from then on I have lived on my own, I loathed marriage from then on, but I always wanted to have children, I loved then, I wanted to be the best mother unlike my mother whose love for her husband outgrew her love for her children?"
Jai gulped down as he listened to her plain emotionless speech?
"You could have adopted?"
"But I wanted my own child, my blood?"
"Why me???"
"I had my affairs, but they just got over even before they starting, I liked a few, hated a few and then I met you, and I knew you were something else, I saw a reflection of myself within you, you completed me in every sense?I had fallen in love with you even before I realized?"
"You could have told me this before?"
"What would I tell Jai, I would come to you and say, Jai I love you, I want a child from you, but I don't want to marry you?and you would have happily agreed?"
Jai kept mum?
"Jai, I don't' hold you responsible, it had nothing to do with you, I wanted this child, it is my complete responsibility, I never wanted you to know about this, that's why I left without even meeting you, so that you would hate me and move on and we didn't commit either, jai you are absolutely free, go and live your life, get married whatever, I don't' expect anything from you, I really don't?"
"I fail to understand you bani, I don't know what to say about you, a callous lover or a desperate mother?"
"Please jai, don't complicate things for me, live your life and let me live mine?I am very happy the way I am?"
"And my happiness bani, for the past 7 months I am constantly thinking about you and only you, after coming into my life and changing it completely, now you are saying to leave, do you think it is that easy Bani?"
"That's why I avoided you; I didn't want to tell you?"
"Just shut up Bani, Let me make myself very clear, I am not leaving India without you and my child?"
"I and my child are not going anywhere?"
"Bani, I love you and I want to marry you, I want to give this child a name?Why don't you just understand?"
"Why don't you understand, I can't marry Jai, I have a great deal of prejudice, I don't think I can be the wife you want?"
"Why bani, I agree you have been through a horrid experience, I have see my parents quarreling, their divorce, my father's illegitimate relationship, but I want to give us a sincere try bani?one try?it might just work?I love you bani?"
"I love you too...but what you are saying is not possible jai?"
"Don't; you think a child needs a father too?"
"Might be, but I will be both my child's father and mother?"
"Its easy to say but far more difficult to do?"
"I can do it; I love my child more than anything else, more than you as well?"
Jai came towards her and bent down near her, taking her palm in between his he said as lovingly as possible?
"Bani don't you think by doing this, you will be giving our child the same future which you had as your past and present, our child will always long for a father's love for its entire life just like you and me bani? don't do the same mistake your father did, I don't want my child to grow up and hate me just like I hate mine?please bani?"
Jai's eyes moistened as he finished speaking?bani cried out loud?
"I don't deserve you Jai?I am very bad that's why every body left me Jai, every body left me?" she cried covering her face with both her hands?
Jai immediately got up and hugged her?"No bani?No?you are not bad?I love you?I really do?and I promise I will never leave you?"
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Jai patted her softly as she rested her head on his arm?sleeping soundly with her hands placed on her grown abdomen?he kept looking at her innocent tear strained face, he wondered how to put in words what he felt right now, she had managed to make him angry, disgusted, happy, sad, hurt, helpless, sympathetic, love all myriad of emotions in an hours time?after all she was bani and she could do anything? that paradox was confirmed by now? he was amazed to see her immense strength, he wondered how strong-will she would have been to take such a daring step in life?to love a man unconditionally, to mother his child, to let that love go, to not expect anything?he was spellbound and he now knew what attracted him to her? he always knew she was different, stark different?
His eyes fell on her swollen belly?he was going to be a father, a father, he couldn't believe that, he never knew that feeling could be so satisfying, he had never wanted to get into a domestic life, but today he just dreamt about his perfect family along with bani with a son and a daughter, a dog was missing, he would complete that too?he smiled at his juvenile thoughts, he felt nervous, excited, afraid, more than anything else? responsible, he would not do the same mistakes his father did?he would love his child immensely, in a few moths a little life was going to come?he just couldn't sum up his haywire feelings?he let those tears flow down without any barriers, tears of happiness, tears of sadness, tears which he had never shed before for the loss he had inherited?
He moved his hand to rest it on her abdomen, his hands shook before he touched her?it took a lot of effort to place his hand on her?he felt something incredible?a cold shiver ran down his spine?he was touching his child?he bent his head to keep his ear on he abdomen to listen to his child's heartbeat? he could sense some movement when he felt a soft thud from inside?
"The baby kicked?" he heard bani's heavy voice? he got up removing his hand?she slowly brought his hand to same position it was in before?with her hand on top of his?giving him a watery smile she spoke up?
"I am sorry jai?but I promise our child's future will not be like ours, it would only be happy and wonderful? I promise?"
"What did you just say?our child?" jai gave her a surprised look?
Bani bowed her head feeling a bit embarrassed?jai simply hugged her?
"I love you?I love you both?"
"I love you too?but I love him more than you?"
"Him??" jai gave her a confused look?
"Our son?" she said showing off her dimples?
"Our daughter?"
"Son?Jai?"
"Daughter? bani?"
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Ron and his boyfriend stood in the church with white handkerchiefs in their hands which were by now wet?crying as they witnessed jai and bani getting married?
It was difficult for both jai and bani to overcome their disastrous past which was so strongly cemented in them but did everything possible to make their marriage work, they had their share of differences, arguments, moments of love, tensed episodes, but they bore it all with patience and perseverance not just because of the new life which was going to enter in their lives but because of their mutual love for each other, it took them a lot to accept each other's qualities, shortcomings , habits, and get accustomed to each other's way of living but they tried to embrace everything with enthusiasm and a bit of humor? every day, every hour, every minute, every second was a sincere effort from either of them to create a beautiful world full of love? ?
"Relationships are made? but one has to work at it every day?to make them last? forever?"
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The End?
God bless
Dhan
Indian Premier League
Fan Fictions
