Bollywood is like that Omigod-I-can't-make-up-my-mind-about-him boy in your class. There are times you just simply hate his crazy guts (or lack of them), complete disregard for logic and bullheaded tendency to go overboard. And there are occasions when he totally floors you by being his batty, unique, indescribable self.
Most of us, movie fanatics, harbour this love-hate sentiment towards Hindi films and everything extraordinary (or absurd if you will) they stand for. But there are some qualities exclusive to Bollywood alone, which makes its 'lydat wonly' attitude so much fun.
rediff.com tells you which ones:
1 Ding dong o' baby sing a song!
Songs and dances act like oxygen to Bollywood. And so when Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam's Nandini (played by Aishwarya Rai Bachchan) says 'We have songs for all occasions,' she isn't far from the truth. Whether X is sick, sad, happy, bored, constipated (Aati nahi, remember?), dreaming or dead (Bhoot hoon main, anyone?), there's a mandatory song to cheer, chill and chide.
Needless to say, in most cases, it will be picturised with a hefty dose of grandiose, flamboyance and mathematical precision (four dancers in red to X's right. four to his left. Eight behind him, in blue outfits. So on and so forth).
When on this topic, can rain songs and item numbers be far behind? Bollywood's love for this wet, hot and sultry weather is legendary. From Madhubala to Priyanka Chopra, every heroine has been through the dripping sari routine.
Nowadays, no actor has truly arrived till they have an item song to their credit. It adds to the USP of the film, brings in the ceeti-friendly audience and gives its guest star an ultra-glam makeover to harp about in glossies and a chartbuster to hip-shake on for moolah-raking concerts.
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Bollywood's preoccupation with dreams and flashbacks has given us plenty to enthuse about.
Besides catching eye-catching glimpses of the Swiss Alps and virgin Thai beaches wherein the hero and heroine break into an impromptu shimmy, of course it's all still happening in our heroine's tourist-friendly imagination, dreams also provide a perfect red-herring set-up in the plot.
X has a brutal accident. Y flunks in his exam. Z's mother finds out the truth and has a heart attack. What do you know? It was only a bad dream.
If you thought that's ingenious, you'll surely love the flashback funda Bollywood likes to pop up in every second film. More often than not it these blasts from the pasts will begin with a 'Bahut saal pehle ki baat hai..' 'Us din bahut baarish ho rahi thi...'...'Main hamesha se aisa nahi tha...'...'Uska naam Pooja tha...'Bachpan mein hi mere maa-baap guzar gaye...'
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N o prizes for guessing what Bollywood's favourite word is. Correct, shaadi. If it's not Shaadi Se Pehle, then it's Shaadi Ke Baad. Then there's Chameli Ki Shaadi, Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai, Meri Biwi Ki Shaadi, Hamari Shaadi and goodness alone knows how many more.
Sooraj Barjatya started it all with Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, often teased as a 'marriage video of a movie'. And despite the snickering comments, the Madhuri Dixit-Salman Khan starrer went on to become a record-breaking blockbuster and influence future filmmakers like Aditya Chopra and Karan Johar. Even the offbeat Mira Nair couldn't resist creating her own version in the eccentric but brilliant Monsoon Wedding.
And whether you, the ticket-buying baarati, care for the on-screen mithai, sagaai, sangeet or not, it's one popular gimmick Bollywood is not planning to give up so easily.
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From Shashi Kapoor's iconic declaration 'Mere paas maa hai" to Taare Zameen Par's heartwarming Maa melody, Bollywood mommy finds herself in an enviable spot film after film.
While Nirupa Roy epitomised the 'bechari' struggling mother in her worn-out whites and 70mm sighs, Farida Jalal, Reema Lagoo, Anjana Mumtaz and Bina regaled as indulgent moms to playboy sons.
The motherly banter continues with new age moms like Ratna Pathak (Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na) and Kirron Kher (Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna). Their face and outlook may have progressed over the years but the 'Aakhir mein tumhari maa hoon' stance remains unchanged.
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Fixation is Bollywood's favourite trait. It's always 'dil' this or 'dil' that. Not a single music album can be possibly complete without the inclusion of dil and the dard it evokes.
It's a hot favourite where movie titles go as well. Sample this: Dil, Dil Hai Ki Manta Nahin, Dil To Pagal Hai, Dil Se.., Dil Hai Tumhaara, Dil Tera Aashiq, Dil Ka Rishta, Dil Ek Mandir, Dil Kya Kare, Dil Deewana, Dil To Dil Hai, Dil Dekke Dekko, Dil Hi Dil Mein, Dil Aashna Hai, Dariya Dil, Dil Ka Kya Kasoor, Dil Dosti Etc, Dil Ne Jise Apna Kaha, Koi Mere Dil Se Pooche, Hamara Dil Aapke Paas Hai, Hum Aapke Dil Mein Rehte Hain, Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam, Har Dil Jo Pyaar Karega, Rehnaa Hai Tere Dil Mein, Maine Dil Tujhko Diya... Holy Dil!
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Only in Bollywood, you can kung fu with words.
Sample a dose of Garam Dharam's epic snarl 'Kutte kaminay mein tera khoon pi jaaonga' and you will know what we mean.
You can always rely on musclemen -- Sunny Deol and Akshay Kumar to forebodingly growl with amusing threats like 'Arre oh giddad ki aulad, maa ka doodh piya hai to samne aa' or 'Saamne hota to haath pair ki zubaan se tujhe samjhta, kutte.'
And now, after breaking grounds with the expletive-friendly Omkara, filmmaker Vishal Bharadwaj has gone ahead and befittingly titled his next, Kaminay.
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A lot happens between the opening credits and The End. Almost no plot can survive without the proverbial kahaani mein twist, in many cases multiple of them. What makes these gimmicks all the more entertaining is how corny and illogical they can be.
Some familiar oh-no's include the heroine turning unexpected pregnant, villain holding the hero's girlfriend/sister/mother or some cute kid in the family at ransom, a blackmailing ex or how the nice old man-next-door is actually a corrupt, strategy-playing politician.
Just recently, Abbas Tyrewala's Gen-X romance, Jaane Tu... Ya Jaane Na resorted to an impossibly unreasonable albeit hilarious Khan (Arbaaz and Sohail) brothers twist so that Meow and Rats could have their happily ever-after.
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What's in a name? A Langda Tyagi by any other name will still be a Langda Tyagi. Ditto for a Raja Hindustani. In Bollywood, that's a big yes. Most characters are named according to their personality traits or the writer's whim.
For example, cops should evoke a sense of virtue or heroism every time their name is mentioned. Vijay, Ajay, Vishal fit the bill.
Comedians and villains, on the other hand, get the most bizarrely imaginative handles in their share. Be it the tickling Pappu Pager, Yedda Anna, Crime-master Gogo or furious Gabbar Singh, Mogambo, Shakaal, Ajgar Jorat.
With a name like that, how could anybody possibly grow up to be normal anyway?
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Did you know Bollywood is the largest consumer of glycerine in the world? Okay, we made that up. But it could be true for all you know.
Ever noticed just how much our actors bawl on screen? Preferably, in a public place.
Or how the emotionally charged 'aaaaa' crooning chorus, coupled with an equally weepy violin or piano, works its throat overtime especially against a tearjerker scenario?
Or how it invariably starts to rain on cue when a reel heart breaks and tear glands burst, no matter what the weather department predicted?
Or how some tears fall in the category of 'khushi ke aansoo'.
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Instead of relying on martial arts of SFX, Bollywood has invented its own brand of action, which is characteristically invincible and physically impossible. Sunny Deol beating up hundred fellas in one go and escaping unscathed, yeah?
Or how our hero stubbornly refuses to die, despite being shot down with nothing less than a thousand bullets, until he has someone's lap to rest on or made a million go-on-pity-me state
ments, which never ever includes the will.
To think 'Mard ko dard nahi hota.'
That's Bollywood for you, where there's no place for rules, formulas are sacred, everything that works is a success and preposterity is a virtue.
Anupamaa
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