Characters:
Anupama
Me: as the voice in her head
(Also, no Maaya, didn't want to overcomplicate it)
Disclaimer:
Haven't watched this show properly in a while, so there might be inaccuracies
Reflections of Anupama
"You might not be busy but I'm a little busy"
Anuj's voice kept running in her mind on repeat.
"Have you become too busy for...me?" She remembered asking.
"I haven't become busy, Anu, you became busy.."
A voice of indignation rose in her. Busy? Taking care of your paralyzed son is being busy?
What happened to her Anuj? He was always so understanding, so patient, so kind, yes but..
Yes, he had wanted her to start saying no, told her this over and over, had actually begged her to give their family the importance they deserved...and she tried, she really did, but when it is your own children that's in the picture, when your own children are suffering...
A sudden realisation came to Anupama. It was something that was always buried in the back of her mind, something she was a little ashamed about...but she had to admit it now...
She never considered Choti Anu as much of a child to her as her other children.
But that's...that's so understandable, she was their mother, they were her blood, and yes, two of her children...there have been times when they were rude, spoilt, entitled...yes but however they are, they are still her children. She was their mother.
And Anuj...
No, Anuj had always understood her bond with her children. He just kept on repeating to keep her boundaries.
But keeping boundaries...it's not like she wanted to be dragged into every little issue with her family...
She corrected herself. Her ex-family. But family is still family, right?
Right? A small voice in her mind awakened.
Right?
Toshu's father, no no, Vanraj and the way he used to treat her...with the same hand he smacked up her food after always demanding to cook his favourite dishes; with the same hand, he pointed at her, called her repulsive and reeking of spices, and gave that as a reason for cheat -
No, no, she shouldn't start thinking of all these -
But the flashbacks kept coming.
Baa...with her bitter words and taunts, making her feel guilty about everything -
but, she's an elder, she has to be respected -
Again the small voice in her head erupted: Does she? What has she done to earn the level of respect you keep giving her? She demands everything from you - mind, body and soul and the minute something goes wrong even a little, she declares everything to be your fault...how easily she curses you
...
Is that what a mother does?
But no, no, she mustn't start thinking like this, Baa still loves me, sees me as her own daughter...
Then why...why does she treat me so differently from her real daughter?
No, no...but they were still her family. Samar, Kinjal, Bapuji...yes, Bapuji has always supported her. He truly saw her as a daughter, not like Baa, he truly -
Did he? The voice gently asked.
He always had advices and words of concern and love...
Yes he always had words...
Words and no actions.
He was a mute spectator to 25 years of my abuse and a mute spectator even after that. What has he actually done?
No, no, there were still her children, her own blood - maybe they were a bit rude but they still loved her, right? They still...she remembered the times they called her characterless, and so many other painful things...
No, no, thinking about all this is not good. She was their mother, she has to forgive them eventually...and right now, Toshu needs me...
But her thoughts were running wild. It was like everything she has been suppressing was released - the contrast between Shahs and her current family...
Anuj - always listening, always trying to understand her, always trying to take care of her needs - she was so used to taking care of others and sacrificing her own needs, he brought out sides in her she didn't even know existed...
But...it made her so uncomfortable, in some ways. There were a new set of expectations...what exactly did he see in her? It was so good to be true...
Do we accept the love we think we deserve?
But the level of support she had gotten from him....it had felt like unconditional love for the longest time, and she had only known the taste of conditional love...
But now he's disappointed and sad. When I go back, I need to have a meaningful conversation with him, addressing everything - I need to set my priorities straight - I think I do know what to do now, I know exactly what to do now!
Baa's sharp voice interrupted her thoughts. "Anupama...what are you doing sitting there? You need to make food for Toshu and feed him, and also give his medicines. While you are at it, make tea for me and Bapuji - I mean I would have done it myself but you are anyway going to the kitchen. Also heat up some milk for Pari"
"Yes...coming, Baa" Anupama replied immediately like a reflex. She shook off her previous thoughts. Really, what all was she thinking, such ridiculous thoughts - this has been her family for 25 years and right now they need her. She should be there for them.
Anuj will eventually understand, like he always does.
(Anuj didn't understand and gave her divorce. End of story.)
Bigg Boss 19
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