CHAPTER 52
OF DISTANCES AND DIFFICULTIES
Beep. Beep. Beep.
It was a constant beep that woke Sanju up, not like the tune of her morning alarm. She opened her eyes groggily, the darkness her room was shrouded in and the quiet but audible breaths of her roommate fueling her confusion. It wasn't morning.
Her watch was glowing. She stared at it for not more than a second before it hit her.
The intruder!
She was out of the door, briskly walking through the halls before she even had her service gun tucked in her holster. She climbed the stairs two at a time, running up.
The door to the terrace was open and she tensed. She hoped the intruder wasn't in. It would be far more work and far more complicated if he had gotten in. She whipped her gun out, flicking the safety off.
She quietly walked on to the terrace. Faizi's familiar and steady form was the first to greet her, and she relaxed slightly. His gun was aimed at someone. He glanced over his shoulder, eyes immediately darting back when he registered it was just her.
The intruder was a young man. Perhaps in his mid 20's. His eyes wide and frantically darting around, Sanju was willing to bet that he wasn't all that experienced.
There was a looming presence behind her and a quick glance over her shoulder told her it was just Karan. He walked quietly, his gun tucked in his holster- visible but not drawn.
"Naam?" She demanded.
"R-Rahul", he blurted out easily, almost shivering. Sanju clutched his hair, questions burning at the tip of her tongue.
"Sanju", Karan interrupted. "Yahan nahi." He gave her a look. She glanced around. The information he would offer wasn't for anyone else's ears. She released his hair.
"Humaare mehmaanon ko inka kamra dikha do, Sanju", Faizi said. "Achhe se khaatirdaari karna inki."
"Sir ji", she said, nodding. She grabbed his collar, hauling him up. She glowered at him when he dared to glance up. His eyes immediately averted.
"Sanju. Good job", Karan said.
She smiled at him a little. "Thank you keh raho hain, Sir ji." She looked down at him. "Chal tu."
---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---
"Suno", Faizi said quietly to the guard. He glanced around. "Iss room mein humaare, Sanju, Karan aur Batra Sir ke alaawa kisi ko mat aane dena. Raawat Sir, aur kisi aur official ko bhi nahi. Agar woh rank pull karne ki koshish karein, toh unhe kehne ki Batra Sir ke orders hain. Samjhe?"
"Ji, Sir ji", he said.
"Pehra dhang se dena. Andar aantakwaadi hai." The guard's eyes hardened slightly. "Tum usse koi baat nahi karoge. Paani, khaana, kuchh nahi milega use jab tak hum, Karan ya Batra Sir nahi kehte."
"Ji, Sir ji."
Faizi quickly slipped away from the door before anyone saw. While 'the matter is confidential' excuse worked almost anywhere, it was best not to let the questions arise in the first place. The best way to keep a secret was not to let others know there was a secret in the first place.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he fished it out. His footsteps halted. Abbu? He hesitated for a few seconds before accepting the call.
"Hello?" He said.
"Faizi!" His gruff voice said.
He suppressed a sigh. "Ji, Abbu?"
"Hume tumse kuchh kaam tha." Of course. Why else would he call? "Tumhaari Ammi ke manpasand phool kaunse hain?"
"Ammi ke manpasand phool?" He repeated. His eyebrows furrowed. "Kyun?"
"Tumhaari Ammi aur humaari saalgira aa rahi hai. Tum bhool gaye?" He asked.
Faizi pulled away his phone, staring at it in disbelief. Was he serious? He intended to celebrate their anniversary? Celebrate? Celebrate what? Their union that he broke? Oh wait, that he didn't even consider important enough to break? Why was there a sudden interest in celebrating their anniversary anyway? Even after he had 'returned' in their lives, he was content with not acknowledging the day and that was perfectly fine with Faizi.
Faizi pressed the red button, dropping the call. His hands curled into fists.
A 10 year old Faizi peeked out from under the blankets, groggily blinking at the lights. The sound of the sewing machine was a monotonous buzz in the background. He glanced at the clock. 1?
'Ammi?' He said. The sound paused. She turned to face him. 'Aap so kyun nahi rahi hain?'
She stood up. She sat down next to her. 'Tum so jao', she murmured, lovingly running a hand through his hair. 'Hume thoda sa kaam hai.'
'Kal kar lena.'
She sighed a little. 'Aapki school fees ke liye thode paise kam padh rahe hain. Uske liye kal kaam karne se chalega nahi. Tum so jao. School jaana hai, na, kal?'
He nodded. She kissed his forehead, instructing him to quickly close his eyes again. He did as she asked, opening them a minute later when the hum of the sewing machine started again. He stared at her quietly, till his eyelids drooped with sleepiness, and he slipped into a sleep.
Faizi walked into his room, quietly sitting down on the bed. He could never forget the countless nights his mother had spent awake.
'Tumhaari Ammi aur humaari salgira aa rahi hai.'
His father wasn't trying to get back with his mother, was he? His hands clenched into tight fists at the thought.
He would never approve of that.
'Aaj se tumhaara aur humaara koi rishta nahi hai', his father sneered. Faizi peeked out from behind his mother, clutching her clothes tightly. He flinched as he slammed the door in their faces.
He would never see his mother humiliated like that again. Never.
---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---
Monami stared at the words. They were blurring together. The week off had helped in her preparation but the exam the next day had put her on edge. She couldn't fail!
'Main keh raha hoon time waste kar rahi ho. Medicine practice karne par dhyaan do, par nahi. Tumhe toh sunna hi nahi hai kisi ki.'
Her fingers curled around the book. He was right, wasn't he? She didn't belong in this life, did she? Soldiers were strong. She wasn't. How could she belong in this life if she was weak?
'Tumhe bhi pata hai yeh training wagera tumse nahi hoga.'
"Monami?" A voice jolted her out. She looked up.
Karan?
His eyebrows furrowed and he quickly crossed the room in two long strides. He knelt down in front of her, hands lifting gently to her face. It was only when his fingers touched her face that she realized. She was crying.
She hastily wiped her tears away. God. Wasn't she pathetic? Crying over exams?
"Kya hua?" He asked. "Bura sapna dekha?"
She hesitated. It was easy to say yes. He wouldn't question her. But lying to him unsettled her. She shook her head.
"Toh phir?" His gaze fell on the books behind her. His eyes darted back to her. "Exams ka stress?" He asked carefully.
"A-Agar main f-fail ho g-gayi toh m-main P-Papa ko kya b-bolungi?" She wiped her tears angrily.
"Monami... tum fail nahi hogi. Chance hi nahi hai." He heaved a sigh. She stared at him. Was this it? He was leaving, wasn't he? He thought she was pathetic. He was so strong and tough, taking on every challenge head on and here she was, crying over exams. But the panic refused to stifle down. The mere thought of failing, the mere thought of having to return home to tell her father that she couldn't do it was stifling.
She looked at Karan. "I am s-sorry."
"Kyun?"
Kyun? Wasn't it obvious? Oh no. Did he have multiple reasons? Was he asking which one she was apologizing for? "F-For... For c-crying. Be-Being w-weak." There were more, weren't there?
"Monami", he said gently. "Rone ke liye, kabhi bhi maafi maangne ki zaroorat nahi hai. Aur mere saamne toh bilkul bhi nahi. Aur tum weak ho hi nahi ho, toh uss cheez ke liye maafi kyun maang rahi ho?"
She stared at him, tilting her head. "M-Main y-yahan exams p-par r-ro rahi hoon a-aur aa-aap k-keh rahe ho m-main w-weak n-nahi hoon?"
He sighed. He sat down on the floor, looking up at her. "Rone se, ghabrane se, darne se, insaan weak nahi hota hai, Monami. You know what makes someone weak? Jab woh koshish nahi karte. Jab woh sahi ke liye nahi khade hote. Jab woh darkar give up kar dete hain. I have seen you try. I have seen you stand for what you believe is right. I have seen you not give up. Toh haan, main yeh keh raha hoon ki tum weak nahi ho because tum nahi ho. Jo tumne face kara hai, usse badhe badhe log darkar bhaag jaayenge. Tum toh bacchi thi. And you faced it, and you survived. You are a survivor. And survivors bahut kuchh hote hain par weak nahi."
Her heart stopped for a second. He... He knew? Did... Did Param tell him? "Aa-Aapne... Aa-Aapne apne Bh-Bhaiya se b-baat kari hai?"
He paused, almost freezing. "Haan", he said finally.
She exhaled. So, this was it. He was... he was going to leave. Or pity her. Or think she was pathetic. Or weak. She stood up. Karan looked up at her, pushing himself to his feet. "I th-think aa-aapko j-jaana ch-chahiye."
"Monami..." He clutched her shoulders, gently turning her around to face him. "I am sorry ki jab Bhaiya se maine baat kari thi, tab hi maine tumhe aakar nahi bataaya ki mujhe pata hai. But I didn't want to remind you of anything."
"But... But usse h-humaare b-beech mein ch-cheezen b-badal g-gayi hain."
"Haan, of course badli", he said. Her eyes welled up with tears. "Yeh badla ki main tumhe aur zyaada respect karta hoon. Yeh badla ki chaahe main tumhaari feelings aur tumhaare trauma ko feel nahi kar sakta, main at least, tumhaari better help kar sakta move on karne mein, at least yeh samajh sakta hoon ki tum jaisa react kar rahi hoon, waisa kyun kar rahi ho. I want to help you. Shayad pehle se bhi zyaada."
'Ek din log tumhe salute karenge aur dushman tumhaare saamne apni aankhein jukhayenge. Yeh mera vaada hai tumse. Main tumhe utna confident banaunga, utna kaabil banaunga. I promise.'
"Kyun?" She whispered.
"Kyun nahi?" He retorted.
She stared at him. Why... why not? She took a step back, leaning against the desk. She exhaled.
'Tooti hui cheezen waapas judti nahi hai, beta. Kitna bhi try kar lo, cracks toh rahenge hi. Tum toot chuki ho.' A 17 year old Monami opened her eyes, looking at the retreating form of her father. She was... she was broken. She can't be fixed.
"Kyunki u-uska k-koi result n-nahi n-niklega", she said softly. She looked up at him. "You are w-wasting your t-time with m-me, S-Sir." She pushed herself away from her desk, moving past him. Tears welled up in her eyes.
'Tooti hui cheezen waapas judti nahi hai, beta.'
'I want to help you.'
"Mera time, meri marzi", his voice halted her. She didn't dare to turn around. "Maybe you're right, and koi result nahi niklega. It will still not be a waste of time for me. Meri koshish time waste nahi hai. Tum mere liye time waste nahi ho, Monami."
She swallowed the uncomfortable lump in her throat. She stepped out of the room, walking out. No tears, she scolded. No tears. Don't believe the words. Lies! That's what they were. Delusions.
But her tears dripped again and his words echoed in her mind again and again and again. She wanted to believe them. Why couldn't they be true?
---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---
Raawat leaned over the counter, raising an eyebrow. "Kya khabar? Karan, Faizi? Cadets? Jo bhi pata hai?" He said.
"Dekhne se lagta hai ki Karan Sir, Faizi Sir aur Sanju ma'am ka mann mission aur cadets ke saath lag chuka hai." Raawat's eyebrows furrowed slightly. They actually enjoyed the mission? "Especially Foxtrot waale cadets ke saath."
He hummed. "Yeh Foxtrot ke cadets kuchh achhe hain training mein?"
"Bahut achhe", he said. "Best hain." He leaned forward. "Aur ek aur baat. Kuchh toh mission par yeh sab kaam kar rahe hain. Top secret. Kisi ko nahi pata kya chal raha hai."
The officer nodded. "Kaun kaun mission par kaam kar raha hai?"
"Pakka toh nahi pata, Sir. Par Karan Sir, Faizi Sir aur Sanju ma'am hi hain sirf shayad."
Raawat walked back to his room. In the few days he had been there, there weren't any major indications of any other mission. What was this secret mission? And why would Colonel Batra burden Karan and Faizi with it? They already had the responsibility to train and oversee the academy.
This mission had to be something huge.
But... what?
---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x—
"Here", Sid said, holding out a napkin to Sanju. She glanced down at it, and then up at his face. She nodded in thanks, accepting it.
Koel stared at the two in interest, a small smirk spreading on her face. All through dinner, Sid had seemed extra attentive and sweet to Sanju. Offering a napkin, passing the spoon, it seemed natural, but he did it before she even opened her mouth.
She glanced at Monami, who was looking at her daal in disgust. Koel chuckled slightly when the younger girl scooped a spoonful, letting the mostly liquid food drip back down into the plate. "D-Daal hai ya p-paani?" She muttered to herself. "Din m-mein ek b-baar kh-khaana b-bura yeh e-endurance t-training ke l-liye d-dete hain kya?"
Koel laughed a little. Monami looked up, a pout on her face. "Koi baat nahi, Monami. Dessert mein ice cream hai."
Her eyes lit up. "S-Sacchi?" She asked.
Koel nodded. She leaned closer. "Main tumhe apni ice cream bhi de dungi. Ek shart par."
Her eyebrows furrowed. "F-Faizi Sir t-tak koi m-message p-pahuncha hai toh u-uske liye k-koi fees n-nahi l-leti m-main."
She smiled. "I appreciate that but Faizi ke baare mein baat nahi kar rahi main." Her eyes trailed to Sid and Monami followed her gaze. "Mujhe yeh batao. Sid aur Sanju ma'am... scene kya hai?"
Monami smiled. "Sid h-has a c-crush."
"Sanju ma'am par?" Koel asked, eyes widening. "Woh hi mili thi?"
"She's n-not b-bad, K-Koel."
"I know, I know!" Koel leaned closer, her voice dropping even lower. "Sanju ma'am bas... thodi violent hai. And Sid se completely opposite."
Monami shrugged. "J-Jaise tum aur F-Faizi S-Sir toh s-same cl-cloth se b-bane ho? D-Different hone m-mein kya pr-problem hai?"
Koel tilted her head in acknowledgement. "I suppose so." She looked at the two talking. "Do you think Sanju ma'am bhi Sid ko pasand karti hain?"
Monami sighed, shrugging. "I d-don't know. K-Kabhi kabhi l-lagta hai, h-haan. She is h-happy sp-spending t-time with h-him. I know th-they are f-friends, but... kabhi k-kabhi l-lagta s-sirf d-dost hi hain, but..."
"Kabhi kabhi lagta hai ki dost se bahut zyaada hain", Koel completed. She nodded. Koel looked at them. "They look nice together." Her eyes darted to the entrance as Karan entered. "Waise, Karan Sir aur tumhaari coffee dates kaisi chal rahi hain?"
"D-Dates?" She said. Her cheeks reddened. "They are n-not d-dates. B-Bas... hum d-dost hain. And... a-abhi k-kuchh n-nahi ch-chal raha hai. He s-said ki j-jab t-tak officials h-hain, tab t-tak th-thoda door r-rehna hi b-better hai."
Koel chuckled, but let it go. She was already redder than a tomato. Her eyes darted to the entrance again, and she smiled slightly, seeing Faizi.
Her smile faded at the look on his face. The normally playful expression on his face had darkened into a serious one, and he quietly sat down in front of Karan. The head trainer gently nudged him, pushing his own plate towards him.
Koel's eyebrows furrowed. Karan rarely let Faizi touch his plate. And he was offering it on his own? Was everything alright?
---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---
"Karan Sir."
Karan halted, turning around. "Koel?" He asked. "Kya hua?"
"That's what I wanted to ask you", she said. "Faizi dinner par kaafi serious aur sad lag raha tha. Kya hua?"
Karan paused. "He's alright. Tumhe chinta karne ki zaroorat nahi hai."
"Sir, please, kuchh hua hai, na?"
He sighed. "Usne tumhe apne Dad ke baare mein bataaya tha, right?" She nodded. "Uske Dad ne use call kara, and he's a little disturbed. That's it."
"Can I talk to him?"
"Koel, dekho, I understand you are concerned. And I am happy ki tum Faizi ke baare mein itni care karti ho, but... Faizi ne tumhe samjhaaya tha, right? Exams aane waale hain tumhaare, and we don't need ki officials ko yeh lage ki koi bhi biased hai tumhaari taraf. It's better if you don't appear too close to anyone. Tum Faizi ki chinta mat karo. Main uska khayal rakh lunga."
Koel sighed. "Yeah."
"Good. Now, bed, cadet. Kal exam hai. Good luck."
She watched him walk away. She took a deep breath, exhaling the frustration. Exam. She should focus on that.
---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---
"Monami", Ustaad ji said. She looked up. "Phone?"
She looked down at the phone in her hand. It was Sunday but the bed time was nearing. "U-Ustaad ji, m-main aapko 10 m-minute mein de j-jaoon?"
He hesitated. "10 minute mein de jaana, theek hai?" He said.
She nodded. "Th-Thank you." She took a deep breath. It was the last chance. She dialed the number, listening to it ring.
"Hello?"
She let out a shaky breath. It had been weeks since she had heard his voice. "P-Papa?"
"Monami."
She sat down on the bed, clutching the sheets. "Papa, k-kal se m-mere e-exams sh-shuru hain. Academy ke. Aa-Aaj tak k-kisi bhi e-exam mein aa-aapki b-blessing ke b-bina n-nahi g-gayi hoon."
There was a pause. Her father heaved a sigh. "Monami, kya chahti ho tum mujhse? Ki main tumhe luck wish karoon exams ke liye?" He asked. "You know it well enough ki tumhaara yeh decision main accept nahi kar sakta. Jis army ke khilaaf tum ek shabd nahi sun sakti, uss army ne mujhse meri wife li hai, meri bacchi ki hasi, uska sukoon liya hai. And you want me to bless you?"
Her eyes welled up with tears. "Iss a-army ne, P-Papa, Mumma ko i-itne s-saal tak kh-khushi bhi di hai. Iss a-army ki w-wajah se m-main aaj z-zinda hoon. Aa-Aap yeh bh-bhool r-rahe hain ki i-isi a-army ne m-mujhe b-bachaaya hai. Yeh m-mera s-sapna hai, m-mera ambition hai! I w-want to s-serve my c-country."
"Jo tum doctor bankar nahi kar rahi ho?" He asked. "Aren't you still saving lives, Monami? Apni jaan risk par daalne ki kya zaroorat hai tumhe? BOLO!"
She flinched slightly when he snapped. She closed her eyes, tears dripping. There was silence for a few seconds.
"Tum samajhti kyun nahi ho, Monami? I don't want to come home to another corpse on my bed, baccha", he said softly. She bit her lip, suppressing her sobs.
"I know", she said softly. "I know, P-Papa. And y-you w-won't."
"How can you be so sure? Tumhe army se hi kyun itna pyaar hai? Tumhe serve karna hai logon ko? You are already doing it. Tumhe medicine chodhni hai, chodh do. You can open up an NGO, an orphanage, jaise serve karna hai, jitna paisa lagta hai, donation, charity, main sab karne dunga, kisi mein kuchh nahi kahunga. But... But army hi kyun?"
"You d-don't g-get it", she whispered. "It h-has to be the a-army."
"Kyun?"
She took a deep breath. She closed her eyes. "I d-don't know m-main aa-aapko k-kaise samjhaoon?"
"Kuchh mat samjhao tum", he snapped. "Naa tum samajh sakti ho, naa samjha sakti ho. Bas woh hi karna hai, jo tum chahti ho. Selfish ho tum. I am so done with you. Pyaar se samjha liya, daant se samjha liya, par nahi!"
"Papa, main..." She trailed off. She looked at the phone. He had cut the call.
She didn't have the guts to call him back.
She slowly backed to her room after submitting the phone, lying down on her bed.
'Army hi kyun?'
'Selfish ho tum.'
Was she being selfish? Was she being inconsiderate of his feelings? She sat up in her bed. She walked over to the desk, opening the drawer. She pulled out a picture.
It was of her mother and her, smiles on their faces. She was young, about 6, maybe? And she sat on her lap, snuggling comfortably up to her. She didn't remember the scene, but her mother was in her uniform.
'Ek din main aapke jaise solider banungi, Mumma.'
She stood up, hugging the photo closer to her. It has to be the army. It has to be.
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