Heey heey,
So this is a story after the happy ending.
After you married the love of your life.
A story about when life throws you a curveball.
ps. This story could be triggering its about cancer.
ps. please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors.
The Vows
To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death.
Raavi felt her stomach turn, she was so nauseous. She tried to step out of bed but her body felt so weak. It took her a couple of times before she could get up. She walked to the bathroom, her legs feeling wobbly, like it couldn’t hold her body. She kneeled in front of the toilet and she felt the content of her stomach coming up and she started to throw up. Her throat on fire from the acid. She felt the tears in her eyes. I don’t know if I can do this anymore, she thought. She heard the footstep behind her coming closer before she felt his warm hand on her back, slowly stroking her back in a calming rhythm. ‘’It’s okay babe, I’m here with you,’’ he said to her. Finally her stomach calmed down. She felt so weak and she rested her head on her arm that was holding the toilet seat tight. She felt him sit down behind her, his chest against her back and she could feel his warmth. His legs were cupping her on both sides. I tried to clear my throat but it didn’t work, ‘’I’m sorry I waked you up,’’ I whisper, my voice sounded fragile. ‘’Don’t worry about it Raavi, it’s okay,’’ he said to me. Slowly I moved my head from the seat, my stomach felt much better now. Maybe I could try to sleep again. I can’t remember the last time I had a good night of sleep, probably six weeks ago, before all this started. ‘’I think I’m feeling better now,’’ I said to Shiva. He stood up and carefully he helped me to stand up but my legs wouldn’t hold me, I buckled down but he was always there for me. He lifted me in his arm, my head rested against his chest. I feel the tears coming in my eyes, ‘’I hate to be this weak, Shiva. I don’t know if I can do this any longer,’’ she said to him, her voice shaking with emotions. She felt the tears in her eyes and she couldn’t restrain it.
Shiva looked at his crying wife in his arms. She looked so fragile, like she could break any moment. She lost weight and she was so light right now. His heart broke into a million pieces, seeing his always smiling, positive and strong Raavi turning in a shadow of herself. He needed to be strong for her. He needed to give her the strength to fight. ‘’I know you can do this Raavi. You are so strong, I never met anyone like you. You are a fighter! Everything is going to be alright Raavi, you are almost there,’’ he said to her. ‘’I don’t know Shiva, I feel so tired right now,’’ she whispered. With her in my arms I walked back to our bed and sat down still holding her close to me. I wiped her tears away and was happy to see that it didn’t get replaced by new ones. We both didn’t say a thing, we were just holding each other. After a while I heard her slow breathing and I knew she was asleep. She needed all the rest she could get. I knew that she wasn’t sleeping much, she was always tossing and turning in bed because she was scared and worried. Sometimes she was so sick that she spent almost the whole day in the bathroom. Slowly I put her down and put a blanket on her. I walked around the bed and lay down next to her and looked at my Raavi. Her face was small. She looked so pale making the black circles underneath her eyes more visible. They will make it, he thought. He felt something wet on his cheek and he wiped it away. He couldn’t be weak in front of her but moments like this when she was sleeping and he was looking at her, he could finally admit that he was scared too. He put his arm around her and pulled her closer to him. ‘’Shivaaa,’’ she said in a small voice. ‘’Go back to sleep babe. I love you,’’ he said. ‘’Love you too,’’ she said before she closed her eyes again. Her head rested against his chest and he put his chin on top of her head. Holding her in his embrace, scared to let her go.
He woke up from the sound of the shower, his arms were empty now. Raavi was probably taking a shower. He sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. He stepped out of his bed and walked to the kitchen to make them some tea. He was watching the milk boil when he heard his Bhabhi, ‘’how is Raavi doing,’’ she asked.‘’She is doing okay Bhabhi. I’m making her some tea before we have to leave,’’he said to her. She nodded her head, ‘’you are taking good care of her Shiva.You are a good man,’’ she said and gave him a tight hug. He hugged her back,‘’it’s the only thing I can do now bhabhi. Taking care of her and being there for her,’’ he said. He let go of her and poured the tea in two mugs and walked back to the bedroom.
He put both of the mugs on the night stand beside their bed and walked to his closet, to take out some fresh clothes. A jeans and a black shirt is good enough, he thought. He closed the door and at the same time the bathroom door opened and Raavi walked in their room. She was wearing a kurta and legging with a scarf draped around her face, she looked beautiful. He looked at her, waiting for her to see him and when their gaze met there appeared a smile on her face. ‘’Good morning,’’ she said. She looked almost like the old Raavi with that smile on her face. She wasn’t the girl from last night, who didn’t knew if she could do this and broke down in his arm. She looked rested and stronger this morning. She still had black circles underneath her eyes but they were a little faded. He smiled at her ‘’Good morning babe. How did you sleep,’’ he asked her. ‘’I always sleep better when you hold me,’’ she said shyly. He laughed, ‘’then I will hold you every night in my arms, even if I get cramp in my arm,’’ he winked at her. She laughed, God knew how much he missed hearing that sound.‘’I’m going to get ready before we have to leave. I made you some tea,’’ he said and pointed to the mugs on the nightstand before he walked to the bathroom.
They stepped out of the car and he took hold of her hand, their fingers automatically entwined. They stepped in the hospital and took the elevator to the oncology department were they sat down in the waiting room. Raavi looked around her, there was bald man sitting to her left, a young women with a headscarf on the right and an older women who was holding and older man his hand, probably her husband, just like Shiva was holding her hand. Were all these people sick? The women with the headscarf looked sick. Did she also look like that, she thought. How did she ended up in this nightmare.
six weeks before
Raavi was standing in the shower, enjoying the hot water on her body. She took some shower gel in her hand and massaged it against her skin. She smelled the flowery and coconut smell and she smiled. Shiva loved this smell on her, it made him crazy. Suddenly her hand stopped on her right breast. She felt a tight knot of fear in her stomach. She pressed her fingers deeper in the skin of her breast and moved it slowly around her breast, using light and deeper pressures and this time she felt it again, a little lump. She used her other hand to feel around her other breast, no lump there. She raised her arm over her head and checked her armpits, again using different pressures. At last she moved her hands across her collarbone, nothing there. Only that one lump in her right breast, panic swelled within her. She stepped out of the shower and changed. Immediately she called her doctor who told her to come by today and she did.
‘’Raavi, I will make an appointment for you for a mammography and ultrasound. After that you will go to see the doctor to discuss the results. I will call you later today the confirm the date and time.’’ dr. Singh said to her. ‘’Thank you dr. Singh,’’ she said. Dr. Singh looked at her, ‘’Raavi I know you are scared right now but try to be calm and stay positive. Did you talk about it with your husband,’’ she asked. ‘’No, when I found out Shiva already left for work and I didn’t want to interrupt him on his work,’’ she said. ‘’Talk to him Raavi. He is you partner, he will support you,’’ dr. Singh said before she stood up. She walked to Raavi and she also stood up, ‘’Thank you dr. Singh I will,’’ she said to her. “Remember, stay positive,’’ dr. Singh said and gave Raavi a handshake. Raavi shook the hand of her doctor and left the doctor’s office.
When she arrived at home, she told Suman kaaki and Dhara bhabhi that she wasn’t feeling well and that she was going to lay down in bed. She leaned against the headboard, her arms wrapped around her knees, her head resting on her knees. Why was it so hard stay calm, she thought. She felt knot of fear in her stomach. Her head was a mess right now. She could only think about the worstcase scenarios. Maybe she got cancer, what if they couldn’t treat it. Don’t think like that Raavi, it’s going to be okay. Stay positive just like dr. Singh told her. She didn’t knew how long she fought with herself in her own mind but eventually she got tired of it. She had to talk to Shiva about this. How do you tell something like this? She laid down and closed her eyes. She didn’t knew when she fell asleep but she woke up, from a warm hand against her head. Slowly she opened her eyes and looked at Shiva. He sat down on the bed, ‘’mom told me that you didn’t feel well. Why didn’t you call me Raavi. I would have come home to take care of you,’’ he said. She got up and leaned against the headboard, she folded her hands on her leg and just looked down. ‘’Heey babe, talk to me. Are you still not feeling well,’’ he asked me. The tears burned in her eyes and her lower lip trembled. He lifted her chin with his finger and through her blurry vision she saw the worried look in his eyes, and the tears started to roll down her face. ‘’Raavi you are scaring me. What is wrong? What happened? Why are you crying?’’ he asked her. Holding her tightly against his body, moving his hand across her back to give her some comfort, whispering that everything is going to be alright. Slowly the crying stopped, his arms still wrapped around her. Finally she looked at him, her eyes were red from all the crying, her face was pale. He cupped her face in his hands, ‘’Babe what happened today, I have never seen you this sad,’’ he asked her. She didn’t answered him. He stood up to get a glass of water for her but she grabbed his wrist. ‘’Please, don’t leave me alone,’’ she said to Shiva. He sat down on the bed again, holding her hand and looked at her. ‘’Sh Shivaa,’’ and she stopped, she couldn’t say it. It would be to real but she had to. She cleared her throat to tell him what happend today, when she heard her phone. She picked her phone of the nightstand and saw that the caller was dr. Sing and she picked it up. ‘’Heey, doctor Singh,’’ she said. She felt the intense gaze of Shiva on her, she looked at him and she saw that worried look again. ‘’Heey Raavi, I made the appointment for you. Tomorrow you have to be in the hospital at ten a clock. First you will get the mammography and then the ultrasound after that you have an appointment with dr. Sinha. She is one of the best Raavi,’’ she said. ‘’Okay, thank you doctor Singh I will be there at ten,’’ she said to her. ‘’Okay Raavi, take care. Bye,’’ dr. Singh said. ‘’Bye,’’ and she hung up the phone.
‘’Raavi, what’s going on? Are you sick? Why do you have to go to the doctor,’’ he asked her. This time she didn’t hesitate, she had to say it, ‘’Shiva, this morning I found a lump in my breast and I went to dr. Singh for a check-up. She told me I have to get a mammography and a ultrasound tomorrow at ten,’’ she said with a trembling voice and she looked at him and saw the shock on his face. ‘’I’m scared Shiva,’’ she said and that woke him up from the trance. He pulled her in a tight hug, stroking her hair, ‘’you don’t have to be scared Raavi, it’s going to be okay and even if it is bad news, we are going get through this. You are the strongest women I know and I will always be there for you, every step of the way Raavi. You and me,’’ he said and pressed a kiss on top of her head. She heard the sincerity in his voice and it gave her a warm feeling. He was right, I’m strong and maybe it was nothing and she was worried for nothing. She let go of him, ‘’I don’t want to tell the others about this right know. Can we wait till we know more,’’ she asked him. ‘’Yes it’s your decision Raavi. I’m going to get us some food and tonight we stay together in this bedroom,’’ making a funny wiggle with his eyebrows that puts a little smile on her face.
He walked to the kitchen and leaned against the kitchen counter and took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself down. He didn’t expected to hear this news. He needed to be there for her. She was going to be okay Shiva. Tomorrow you will know more. No need to worry now, he thought. He turned around and scooped some food on two plates and walked to the bedroom. She was still sitting on the bed. He put the food down on bed. ‘’Thank you Shiva,’’ she said to him. They ate in bed and after that he turned the tv on both of them curled up against each other, trying to relax and not think about what might happen tomorrow but both of them thought about what could happen tomorrow.
The next day they went to hospital,both of them didn’t sleep much, they were just laying in bed close to each other. ‘’Mrs. Pandya, you can go to room 2 for the mammography,’’ the assistant said. Both of them stood up. ‘’I’m sorry Mr. Pandya but you can’t come inside. When she gets the ultrasound you can go wit her, I will come and pick you up then,’’ the assistant said to him. He looked at Raavi, she looked lost, he pulled her in his arms and gave her a kiss on top of her head. ‘’I will be waiting for you here. I love you babe,’’ he said. She looked at him, ‘’I love you Shiva,’’ she said and she walked to room 2. The assistant told her to take her top and bra off and she did. She walked to a machine, the assistant told her what would happen. After the mammography the assistant walked her to next door for the ultrasound .‘’You can lay down Raavi. I will call your husband,’’ the assistant said and she gave her a towel so she could cover herself. That mammography hurt, her breast was pressed between two plates, she would definitely get some bruises, she thought. The door opened and Shiva stepped in, he walked to her and gave her a kiss on her forehead before he sat down on the stool beside the bed. ‘’You are doing great Raavi,’’ he said to her. The doctor came in and introduced himself, “Mrs. Pandya I’m going to make an ultrasound of your breast, armpits and collarbone. I will send that to your doctor and she will discuss the result with you,” he said. Shiva was holding her hand and she hold it tightly. The doctor put some gel on the transducer, “can you put your arms above your head Mrs. Pandya. This going to feel a bit cold,” the doctor said. She let go of Shiva his hands and put her arms above her head. She felt the transducer on her breast, and she couldn’t hold a little flinch, that was cold. “I’m sorry,” the doctor said. The doctor moved the transducer along her breast, armpits and collarbone, just staring intense at the screen, while clicking constantly on the button, to make some images. She felt nervous, she felt scared. Why didn’t he say a thing. Why did he took so many pictures, did he saw something bad? After 15 minutes the doctor finally was done, it felt like three hours. He handed her some tissue paper to wipe the gel from her body. “I will send this to your doctor, take care,” he said and gave her a handshake. She stood up from the table to put her clothes on. The assistant came back and told her that the next appointment would be in a hour. So both of them went to the cafeteria to get some coffee. Sitting next to each other they looked around. Shiva took her hand, “you are doing great Raavi,” he said to her for the second time that day. He didn’t knew what to say to her, how he could be there for her. He brought their hands to his lips and gave her a little kiss on the top of her hand. She looked at him and she saw that he was trying to reassure her that it would be fine. They just sat there, sipping their coffees and making some small chat before it was time to go upstairs to talk to the doctor.
“Raavi, the radiologist and I examined your scans. We both saw some abnormalities on the scans. So we like to do a biopsy of the lump in your breast, to be sure. We can do that today, so we can have the result within two days. I would like to see you on Friday so we can talk about what we found out,” doctor Sinha said to her. She looked at her doctor,the blood was pounding in her ears and Shiva took her hand in his and gave her a little squeeze. “Okay doctor. Thank you,” she whispered and they left the room. In the hallway Shiva hugged her, holding her tightly, “it’s just to be sure Raavi,” he said to her. She nodded, she couldn’t speak the fear clutched at her throat.
She didn’t feel pain when the radiologist put the needle in her breast to get some tissue. She got a local anesthesia. “You are doing great Raavi, we are almost done here,” he said to her. She was laying on her back, holding the hand of Shiva so tight. “We are done,” the radiologist said and he put a little bandage on her wound. “I will give you some bandages you can use. There is a chance that you will get some bruising. If you are in pain you can take some Tylenol. Take it easy today and from tomorrow you can do the things you normally do,” the doctor said to her.
In the car to home both of them didn’t speak, just holding each other’s hands. It was a stressful day and Raavi felt emotional drowned. They walked into the house and without greeting everyone she just walked to her room. She needed a shower, she needed to get her mind straight, she needed that this whole situation was just a nightmare.She just needed this to be over. She heard Shiva coming in the room, ‘’Raavi,’’ he said. Before he could say something more, she turned to him, ‘’can you help me take this kurta off.’’ She felt the anesthetic working out and she felt sore. He nodded his head in a yes and walked to her. She put her arms above her head and she couldn’t hold back a wince from pain. Carefully he took her kurta off. And when she looked him in the eyes she saw the sympathy in his eyes, she saw him scanning her breast, ‘’I’m sorry you have pain, Raavi. If it was possible I would take it all over from you,’’ he said before he bent down and kissed both of her breast, both of them covered in bruises. She heard the sincerity in his voice and she realized that he was also scared about this whole situation. She stroked his hair to give him some comfort, ‘’It’s okay Shiva. It doesn’t hurt that much, its going to be alright. I’m going to take a shower okay,’’ she said. She pressed a kiss on his cheek and walked to the bathroom. The next two days she was living on automatic pilot, she showered, she ate without tasting a thing, she did some chorus in the house. She was not herself anymore, she crawled into a shell. She didn’t talk, she was just hiding in her room. But every night she fell asleep in the arms of Shiva, the only moment she could find a little peace in her mind. She was scared about the results, she feared that it may be bad and tomorrow was the day she would find out.
Raavi and Shiva walked into the office of dr. Sinha and sat down, holding hands. When Raavi looked at dr. Sinha, she knew something was wrong, she saw it the doctors eyes. Her heart beating almost out of chest, the cold fear trickled through her. Panic swelled within her. ‘’Raavi, we got your results back from the biopsy and it confirmed the abnormalities we saw on the scans. I’m sorry to say this but you have breast cancer,’’ dr. Sinha said.
‘’Breast cancer’’, she felt her life falling apart. Her whole world was crashing down around her. The nightmare she have been living in her head became the truth. She felt Shiva tensed up next to her, she looked at him and she immediately found his eyes on her. She saw the same shock in them as that was going through her body now. She looked back at dr.Sinha. ‘’Raavi, the tumor in your breast is in a difficult position, so if we operate that immediately we have to amputate your breast. But we also found a little abnormality in your lymph nodes. So we like to start as soon as possible with chemotherapy. The chemotherapy can help to make the tumors smaller, that way the tumors would be easy to remove and there is a chance that we don’t have to amputate your breast,’’ dr. Sinha said. Raavi was listening to the words dr.Sinha said, she saw the doctor her lips moving but her head was so foggy, she couldn’t understand it. She got cancer and she needed chemotherapy, breast amputation. Would she become bald? Would she don’t have one breast anymore? ‘’So we will start with chemotherapy 3 times a week for 4 weeks. After that we will make a scan again to see if the tumors changed. If they got smaller we will operate it and take the whole thing out. After that you might need some radiotherapy to be sure that we got everything. I know you are scared right now Raavi but you are young and strong, you need to fight this. We caught it on time, we have different treatments we can try and we will do our best to make you better again,’’ dr. Sinha said to her. She couldn’t produce more than a shaking,‘’okay.’’ dr. Sinha was watching her, ‘’Raavi, I want to talk about the side effects from the chemo. You can be very nauseous but it’s important that you try to eat something cause your body needs the fuel. So try to eat little things through the day. The chemotherapy will not only destroy the bad cells but also the good ones. So rest well, sleep when you can. Also the chance is very big that you will lose your hair,’’ dr. Sinha said. She felt Shiva squeezing her hand, and she took some strength out of him, otherwise she would break down here in the office of dr. Sinha. ‘’There is onemore thing I like to talk about. There is also a chance that the chemotherapy will make you infertile. So if you want kids in the future I like to send you to a fertility specialist, they will talk about the options you have,’’ dr. Sinha said. And for the second time that day she felt her world turned upside down. But this time she shoved it away, she wouldn’t think about that yet. Dr.Sinha gave her a card from the fertility specialist and she took it from her.‘’Raavi, I don’t want to put pressure on you but it’s important that we start as soon as you can with the treatment. I will give you a couple of days to process this and I hope you call me next week. Do you have any questions,’’ dr.Sinha asked. Did she have questions? No or maybe she did? She was confused? Was she going to die? ‘’’No, thank you dr. Sinha. I will call you next week,’’ she said to her. Dr. Sinha looked at Shiva to see if he had any questions but he was also silent. Maybe he was also processing this whole conversation. Dr.Sinha stood up and so did they, she gave them both a handshake. ‘’Be positive Raavi. You have a great partner beside you, so you are not alone in this fight,’’ she said. Shiva and Raavi walked out of the office, and silently they walked through the hallway. Their shoulders touching while they were walking. Both of them thinking about the news they heard. Processing it. After a couple of steps she felt Shiva holding her hand, he entwined her fingers with his. ‘’Raavi,’’ he said. ‘’Please, Shiva not now,’’ was the only thing she could say, her voice filled with emotions. He accepted that and they walked to cab and again the ride home was filled with no sound.
They walked into Pandya house and everyone was sitting in the living room. ‘’Heey Shiva and Raavi, come sit down. I made some pakora’s and some hot tea,’’ Dhara bhabhi said. Raavi ignored them and walked in to her bedroom. Her head was a mess for a couple days right now but today it was 100 times worser. She walked into the bathroom and turned the faucet on. Without taking off her clothes, she stepped into the shower. She lifted her face to the warm water but it didn’t take the fear away, it didn’t make her feel better like most of the times. And at that moment she felt it, the last thread she was hanging on was breaking. She buckled down and fell on her knees. The tears were streaming down her face but soon washed away from the water of the shower. She couldn’t breathe, she was scared. Scared about what was coming, scared if she could handle this. She was scared that she wasn’t strong enough, scared to die. She pulled her knees to her chest and her head rested against her knees, the water pouring down on her head.
Shiva, saw her walking to their room. He saw the faces of his family members. He didn’t knew how to tell them what happened today, he couldn’t even understand it. His Raavi was sick, she had a serious sickness. Everyone was looking at him, and he knew that they could see the fear and worried look on his face. He sat down beside his brother Gaumbie. He rested his elbow on his knees, his face in his hands. ‘’Shiva beta,what is wrong? Raavi isn’t herself for the last couple of days. She is always in her room, she doesn’t talk. Is something wrong?,’’ his mother asked him. He felt the emotions through his body, the tears stung in his eyes. He let his hands fall down of his face, ‘’she is sick. Raavi is sick, she has breast cancer. She needs to start chemotherapy and after that they will try to take the tumor out. If they get everything out, she probably need some radiotherapy just to be sure that everything is gone,’’ he said to them, feeling the first tear rolling of his face. He heard the gasping sound coming from them. He felt his brothers arm around him, pulling him closer to him. He looked at them and he saw the tears in their eyes. He wiped the tears of his face, ‘’We need to be strong for Raavi. We can’t cry in front of her, we need to give her power and strength to get through this, okay,’’ and everyone nodded their head. ‘’Raavi is strong she will get through this. Its going to be a hard and long fight but she will get through this,’’ he said. He looked around him and his mother and bhabhi’s wiped their faces. ‘’We all we be there for Raavi and you,’’ Rishita bhabhi said. He could only nod his head. He stood up, ‘’I’m going to be with Raavi for the next couple of weeks Gaumbie. I cant come to work, I’m sorry. But my first priority is to be with her. I don’t want her to feel that she is alone in this fight,’’ his brother stood up and hugged him. ‘’You don’t need to come to work Shiva. Don’t worry about that, we will manage that. We all love Raavi and you are right, you need to be there for her,’’ Gaumbie said and he gave Shiva a tight hug. ‘’Thank you Gaumbie,’’ he said and he left the living room to their room.
He knocked on the bathroom door, ‘’Raavi, are you almost done,’’ he asked. He didn’t get an answer and he knocked again and again there was no answer. He opened the door and his heart broke, she was sitting under the shower and he could see the tears on her face, the pain and the fear in her eyes.. He opened the shower door and walked in with his clothes on and sat down, he put his arms around her and pulled her closer to him. She felt his arms around her and she broke down. She grabbed his shirt and pulled him to her. The sobs wracked her body, robbing her from the ability to speak, she could barely breath. He was holding her so close to him and he felt his own tears rolling of his face. He looked at her, he never seen her cry like this before. He was worried about her, he felt scared, and he didn’t knew what to do help her, he felt so useless. So he pulled her closer, whispering sweet words in her ears, stroking her hair to give her comfort, pressing little kisses on the top of her head. He didn’t knew how long he was sitting there with his in his arms but slowly her crying stopped. He stood up and turned the shower off before he picked her up in his arms and stepped out of the shower. He placed her on the counter of the washbasin. He walked back to the room and took some towels, two shirt of his, a sweatpants and underwear for both of them out of the closet. He walked back to the bathroom and put the clothes down. He took one towel and dried her hair. She was to numb to do anything, to feel a thing, she was just sitting here and let him take care of her. Slowly he pulled her down on her feet, and he took her kurta and bra off. He dried her body and put her a shirt on. He took away her legging an underwear and dried her legs before he put on some new underwear. She was standing still like a statue. Fast he took his clothes off and dried himself, putting on a shirt and a sweatpants. He picked her up in his arms again and he sat down in bed, position her, so she was straddling him. Her head buried in the crook of his neck, her arms around his neck. His arm around her lower back pulling her closer to him, while his other hand rested against her neck.
He didn’t knew how long they sat there just holding each other without saying a thing before her whisper broke the silence, “I don’t want to die.’’ He felt his body tightening, he took a deep breath, pulling her so close to him that he could feel her heartbeat against his chest, it calmed him down. “Listen to me Raavi, you are not going to die,okay! This is just a little bump in the road, you are going to survive this.You are strong and you will fight to win this and I will be there by your side every step of the way. You are not alone. You don’t have to hide your feelings and emotions for me Raavi. If you are scared tell me, if you think you can’t do it anymore tell me, if you just want me to hold you tell me. For better and worse babe, and we will get through this, together,” he said. He felt the tears in his neck, slowly he pulled her away so he could look at her. Her eyes were red, her face looked pale, with both of his thumbs he wiped the tears away. He brought his face closer to her, their noses touching, “I love you so much Raavi Shiva Pandya,” he said to her. His words made her feel stronger, she didn’t knew how much she wanted to hear them, to hear that she wasn’t alone in this, to hear that she was strong enough to fight this. It made her feel good. She would fight this with him beside her. “I love you too Shiva. I don’t know if I could do this without you by my side,” she said to him. She pulled her head a little back so she could look at him, “what do you think about the fertility specialist? Should we call them and make an appointment,” she asked him. He was silent for a couple of minutes before he spoke. “Raavi, it’s your body and your decision to make. We can go to talk to specialist and maybe freeze your eggs for the future but I don’t care if we don’t have our own children. There are a lot of alternatives like adopting. I’m open for that, at the end I just want to have a family with you,” he said to her. They were married for three years now and they decided that they would try for kids next year, they wanted to enjoy one more year together. Traveling, making some memories, turning everyday life into and adventure, just the two of them. Did she wanted to get her eggs frozen? Did she want to go to another process with a specialist? She was young 27, so maybe the chemo won’t make her infertile and like Shiva said, they could adopt. There were a lot of children that needed a home. “I don’t want to talk to the specialist Shiva. I will be lucky if we have our own biological children but also when we adopt, either way I will be happy to have a family with you,” she said to him.
The next day she called the hospital to tell them that she was ready to start the chemotherapy. So here she was Monday morning sitting in a chair with a IV in her arm in a room full of people who are going through the same treatment as her. Shiva was with her, never leaving her side. “Shiva, you can go to the store to help Gaumbie out. You know this will take 5 hours, you will be bored sitting here the whole day,” she said to him. He just smiled at her, “I’m never bored when you are with me babe. And I promised babe, for better and worse, in sickness and health,” he said. “ till dea,” he hushed her by putting his finger on her lips. His smile was gone, she saw a little anger in his eyes, she saw it in the way his jaw was tightened, “Don’t say that! We are going to have a long and happy life together Raavi. A very long life,” he said to her. She wanted that too! “I love you,” she said to him,his finger still on her lips. He moved his finger away and there was his smile again, “ and I love you,” he said, making her smile at him.
The first chemo went very well, she wasn’t feeling bad. She had dinner with her family, her maasi and mausa came over, she had a great night. After the second chemo she felt a bit tired. The third chemo made her sick, she was nauseous the whole time, she slept almost the whole night in the bathroom with Shiva beside her. She tried to eat but she couldn’t hold a thing in her stomach. The second week was the same, she would wake up in the middle of the night reaching for the bucket beside her bed, or running to the bathroom. She felt miserable that she woke him up every time. She even told him that she would go and sleep in the guest bedroom, not wanted to disturb him. But he just pulled her in a hug and told her she was crazy thinking that he wouldn’t be at her side. The third week was hard, she wasn’t sure if she could do this anymore. After her second chemo of that week, she went home and looked at herself in the mirror. Her skin color was greyish, she had dark circles under her eyes. She took off her clothes and looked at her body. She lost a lot of weight, the last couple of weeks.The bones of her ribs and hips were visible.Gone were her curves that she was so proud of. She wasn’t herself anymore. She walked into the shower and let the water stream down her hair and face. She moved her fingers through her hair. She brought her hands to the front and she saw some strands through her fingers. She knew that she would get hair loss, she tried to prepare herself but it didn’t help. Her body didn’t look the way it was before, her hair fell, she was going to be bald. She didn’t feel feminine. What would Shiva think about her? He couldn’t find her attractive anymore? He was going to walk away, he would leave her. She knew she wasn’t thinking rationally, she knew that Shiva wouldn’t leave her, but she was having a very bad day. That night she asked Shiva if he could shave her hair off and he did. It was very hard for her to look at the mirror and see her bald head. This couple of weeks changed her a lot, physically and mentally. She saw Shiva looking at her through the mirror, he stepped so close to her that she could feel his chest against her, he wrapped his arms around her. “With or without hair, you are still the most beautiful girl in my life Raavi. I didn’t fell in love because of your hair, I fell in love with you because you have the most beautiful and biggest heart. I know it’s difficult to accept but your hair is going to grow back again and you will be healthy again and that’s the most important thing,” he said to her before he pressed a kiss on her now bald head. She wrapped her arms around his, and they just stood there. She felt a lot of better hearing this. The last week she felt so weak, she couldn’t stand without wobbling, she felt dizzy and the vomiting was still not over. Every night she said that she couldn’t do this anymore and every time Shiva was there for her, to give her strength to get through this fight. She remembered her conversation with Shiva two days ago. They were watching a movie in bed, his arm around her, her head resting against his chest. The movie was to take her mind off things but just like the other times it didn’t work.She looked at the screen and saw some lilies in a vase. “I love lilies, they smell so nice. I want lilies,” she said and looked up at Shiva. “Lilies? I will buy a whole room full of lilies for you if you want,” he said to her and he tabbed her playfully on her nose with his finger. “I want lilies on my wake Shiva,” she said to him. She saw the change in his eyes, gone was the playfulness, she saw the irritation in his eyes, the anger. He pulled her off him, so he could look her in the eyes. She missed the heath from his body. “Raavi how many times are we going to have this conversation,” he said frustrated. She saw his hand run through his hair, he only did that when he was angry, frustrated or irritated. She didn’t mean to do that. She wasn’t really thinking about it, she just told him what she thought about. “You are not going to die! You are going to be better. You are not leaving me. So stop talking like that,” he said to her, angry he stood up of the bed and looked at her. “Do you think I’m ready to die? I’m not okay, I’m not ready to die. I want to do a lot of things before I want to go up. I don’t want leave you, I want to spend my whole life with you. And I’m not giving up this fight, it’s just if there is one thing I learned this last couple of weeks is that life is short. You never know when it’s over so I’m telling you this because when my time has come. I want you to fulfil the last wishes for me,” she said, her voice trembling. She took a deep breath,“I want lilies, I want to wear that mint green saree but only when I’m still young and not fat. And if I’m older you can choose something for me, you have great taste. Ow and your taste in music is also very good so you can choose that too. And after I’m cremated I want my ashes to be spread in the ocean. I love the ocean so that would be fantastic,”, she said and this time she looked up, she grabbed his wrist and pulled so he fell down on the bed. His gaze was intense. “Why do you think that you will die before me,” he asked her. She sat down on her knees and cupped his face in her hands, slowly stroking his jaws with her thumbs. “That’s easy! Because every day I pray that I want to live a long life with you and when the time comes he should come and get me first,” she said and saw the shock in his eyes, he didn’t expect that answer. “I don’t want to live my life without you and I don’t know if I will survive without you, so that’s why I ask him to come and take me first,” she said still stroking his jaw. She saw it in his eyes, the intense love. she didn’t knew how it happened but one moment she was sitting one her knees and the next moment she was straddling him, his arms so tight around her that she felt a little pain, but she didn’t mind it. She put her arms around him and hold him as tightly. “If something happens to me I want you to find peace with it. I want you to live your life for the both of us. You can only be down for 2 months okay? Otherwise I will come to haunt you,” she said, making him chuckle. “I want that you find love again, I want you to share to the world that you are beautiful and amazing man. Promise me this Shiva,” she asked him. She saw the tears in his eyes. ‘’I promise but I want you to promise me that you are not going to leave me for the next 100 years,’’ he said to her. She saw a tear rolling down his face, carefully she wiped it away. ‘’I can promise you this, I’m going to fight this disease the best I can. And I will be by your side till the last breath. I love you,’’ she said to him and she pressed her lips softly against his.
So here she was sitting in the hospital and hoping that the scans were good after the chemotherapy. Dr. Sinha waked in the hallway and saw them sitting, she smiled at them. “ Raavi, Shiva, good to see you again. You look beautiful Raavi. You can walk with me to the office,” she said to them. Raavi felt beautiful today and since a long time she felt good about herself, she couldn’t describe how and why but she just felt very good today, and hopefully she would get some good news today. Last night she felt terrible, she felt so sick again and she didn’t have any fight more left in her. But when Shiva hold her close to him, she felt better. And this morning waking up in his arms, felt extra special. They walked into her office and they sat down. Now that she was sitting here she felt nervous, scared. What if the treatment didn’t work out. Before she could think about every worst-case scenarios dr. Sinha interrupted her. “I have good news for you Raavi! The scans were very good, we saw that tumor in your breast got smaller and now we can operate it without having to amputate your breast. Also the abnormality we saw in your lymph nodes also disappeared. I already put your name on the operation list, so you will get called when the surgery is going to happen. Raavi smiled at dr. Sinha, she wasn’t there yet but this felt like a great step into becoming healthy again.
Three days later she got a call that her operation would be in two days. She was so happy that the operation would be so soon! She wanted that dam tumor out of her body. The last couple of days she felt better, she started to eat little things and the nausea subsided. The night before her operation they were laying in bed. Both of them on their sides, looking at each other, so close she could feel his breath on her lips. ‘’Are you scared for tomorrow,’’ he asked her. She thought about it, ‘’I guess I’m a little nervous about the operation. I hope that they can take the whole tumor out,’’ she said to him. His hand slide down the side of her face in warm caress. ‘’You are so strong Raavi. You went to chemotherapy and now you are going to get through this operation. Its going to be alright, I believe in that,’’ he said to her. He cupped her chin and lifted it up,‘’I love you,’’ he said before moved a little forward and pressed his lips against hers.
The operation went very well. They got the whole tumor out but to be sure that they didn’t forget one little cell, the doctors decided that she needed additional radiotherapy two times a week for six week. She recovered from her surgery and her hair was already growing back and last week she had her last radiotherapy, so today she had an appointment with doctor Sinha. Shiva was true to his words, he never left her side. She looked at him and smiled. How did she get lucky to have this beautiful man at her side, she thought. He looked at her and pulled their hands to his mouth and gave her a little kiss on her hand, ‘’I’m the lucky one, to have this strong, loving and beautiful women at my side, ‘’ he said. Oww, she was thinking out loud again and she felt the heat creeping up her cheeks. He laughed out loud, and he brushed his fingers along her cheek,‘’I love his color on you,’’ he said to her. Before she could say a anything dr. Sinha appeared, ‘’Raavi, Shiva, come in,’’ she said.
It felt like the thousandth time that she sat down in dr. Sinha her office, holding Shiva his hand and waiting for good news. Dr. Sinha looked at her with a big smile on her face, so she smiled back. She wouldn’t smile when it was bad right. ‘’Raavi, we are 99 percent sure that we got all of the cancer cells, so you are officially in remission. We will have regular checkups every three months for the first three years. After that we will do checkups every six months till you reached the 5 year clearance. After that we do checkups once a year for five years. We will do and ultrasound and one or two times a year a mammography. If you feel something that isn’t suppose to be there, or if you feel something is wrong, don’t hesitate to call me. But we all believe that we took it all out,’’ dr. Sinha told her. She couldn’t believe it, she was happy thate verything was alright but she also felt a little panic thinking about the 99 percent and not the 100 percent. She was not going to die, she fought this disease. She turned her head to look at Shiva and he was already staring at her with a big smile on his face. They both went through hell the last couple of months and she was grateful. She was grateful for her husband by her side, she was grateful for her family and she was grateful that she got a second chance in life. ‘’’Thank you so much dr. Sinha,’’ she said, she didn’t knew what to say more. Shiva thanked the doctor and they left the office.
Standing in the hallway he pulled her against him. He looked her in the eyes, his strong wife, she made it, they made it. The last couple of months were hard but if he learned one thing from this all was that life is too short and he would love her everyday of their lives. He was married to the love of his life, but this situation brought them closer to each other. ‘’You did it babe. I knew it. I love you so much Raavi,’’ he said to her. She saw the love in his eyes, she put her arms around his neck, she stood on het tip toes and pressed her head against his, ‘’Thank you for being there for me every step of the way. We have been through a lot the last couple of months but you never left my side, thank you for that. Thank you for being this amazing, caring and loving husband. Thank you for loving me every day. I love you so much Shiva Pandya,’’ she said to him. They looked at each other, moving their heads closer till their lips met in a kiss full of love.
I hope you liked it.
I will post a epilogue in a couple of days ❤️
Itti Si Khushi Sab TV
