My dear Arylians! Another installment in Full Circle to read over the weekend. This chapter was quite dear to me. Malini's internal monologue is necessary to her journey but I think what has my heart, just like you all, is Neel. Do read to the end. You might need a tissue or two. Ah, my Neel! Today's story, happens during the same day, in different places, for different characters. Malini, Aditya and Imlie, Aryan+Neel. Today is Neel's first introduction to the concept of death. I hope you agree with my presentation of it. You'd be amazed at how easily children can grasp a complex concept such as this, the key is to use simple and straightforward words. Please remember not to think of the Malini in the show when you read this story. In my AU she has not sunk to the same depths as the show Malini.
I chose a song for Neel and Malini today. This is the first of two I have in mind for them. It is linked as always at the bottom.
As always, do let me know your pheelings about this chapter. Egle was right, the last chapter was light hearted to make up for this one. I can't wait to hear your thoughts. --- Love, M
Chapter 17
Malini fought her way to consciousness, struggling for release from the dreadful visions her nightmares had brought her. Her eyelids lifted open, the fog clearing from her brain ever so slowly. All the medications they had to give her to keep the pain at bay, muddled her brain, making it hard sometimes to separate fiction from reality.
She was tired, so very tired. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. So many questions swirled in her mind about what came next. What did dying look like? Was it painful? Was it peaceful? Did one just go to sleep and never wake up? God, she hoped so! All she knew about death, was what she had seen on TV, read in books. Was any of that real? She was so anxious about what lay ahead. Who would be able to answer her question? Dr. Chitale, maybe?
And then what? After her death, "Malini" would cease to exist? The very thought brought so much heart ache. The simple realization that in a few short weeks she would no longer, be.
Over the past few days, Malini had found an outlet in talking to the social worker, Priyanka. When they had first met, she had solely felt the need to talk to Priyanka so that she could figure out how to move forward with Neel. But over a couple of visits, Priyanka had gently guided Malini with some visualization and imagery to help with the pain. This had then slowly transitioned to a life review and reflection on "what had gone wrong?"
Malini winced as she felt a sharp twinge in her left arm. She ran her good hand gently over the spot, trying to ease the pain, trying to distract herself with her thoughts.
Malini had been her parent's only child and they had always coddled her. She had always prided herself on being a mature, well rounded child. She was beautiful, intelligent, excelling both in the classroom and out of it, well liked by teachers and classmates, Malini felt she had the world at her feet. But then as she grew older, she had realized that her parents marriage was broken at best. Both bitter, her mother wasted no opportunity to hurl vitriol at her father. Her father would respond by walking away in silence, retreating to his studio to paint.
Despite her parents doting and fawning over her, she had watched the barely masked resentment that her parents harbored for each other, instilling a deep sense of insecurity when it came to love and marriage. In Aditya, she had found a man who was intelligent, principled and conscientious. She had instantly fallen in love with him and during their courtship she had always known exactly how to caress his male pride. They had seemed so well suited, completing each other's sentences, knowing each other's likes and dislikes. She had basked in Aditya's adulation and indulgence. When they had finally married, she had been in seventh heaven, dreaming of the happily ever after her parents had never achieved. She would, she had thought, be the perfect wife, the perfect daughter-in-law, the perfect sister-in-law and the perfect aunt. In the Tripathis, she had found the love and camaraderie she had craved all her life as an only child.
When she had first met Imlie, she had felt an instant connection to her. She felt sorry for her, a poor, young village girl who was forced to earn a livelihood at a tender age to support her family. In true Tripathi fashion, she had decided to take Imlie under her wing. When they had all realized, how brilliant a student Imlie truly was, Malini had convinced Aditya to allow her to go to her college. Aditya's behavior by that time had been perplexing at best. He had gone from being extremely rude to Imlie to being protective of her. Quarreling with Malini at times over Imlie's education, implying that Malini's college was not good enough for an exceptional student like Imlie. And how could she forget the day of the fort collapse when Aditya had raced right by her to save Imlie!!
Malini's lips twisted in a bitter self-deprecating smile.
She had hoped against hope that her intuition was wrong, living in a world of denial until Aditya had finally admitted it to her face. Imlie was his first wife. Those five words had changed the course of her life.
Malini had never understood why her mother had harbored such animosity against her father. It had all fallen into place once she had learnt the truth of Imlie's birth.
At first, she had felt confused. Her discovery that Imlie was her half sister had come on the heels of Aditya's confession. She had felt conflicted, simultaneously protective and envious of her little sister. She had felt sympathetic towards Meethi but also towards her mother.
Malini had been determined that her marriage would not be a repeat of her parents' reality? Oh, she had striven to not end up like her parents! But no, destiny had to serve a blow more cruel than that, for the other woman in her life was her own sister. Malini had felt so overwhelmed by her thoughts and emotions that she had tried to end it all. When that did not work, she had spun a story about a fictional man, Kunal Chauhan, the hero of her purported extramarital affair. Aditya had accepted this lie so easily. Had he had no faith at all in her character? Did he really think she was capable of loving anyone other than him after the years she had invested in their relationship?
She had felt that her sister was largely innocent, having been forced to marry a man twice her age at gunpoint. Malini had tried to encourage Imlie to come clean with the family to no avail. In fact, Imlie was the only one who had questioned her story about Kunal. Eventually, thanks to her mother's machinations, Aditya and Imlie's truth had been revealed to the Tripathis before they could do it themselves. In a twist of fate, Kunal Chauhan turned out to be a real person, a lawyer at that. She had begged and manipulated him into playing a role in her farcical extra-marital affair. Malini smiled fondly as she recalled the messy haired, handsome Kunal. He was a good man. Sharp witted and straightlaced. He had clearly been interested in her, but Malini had been so blinded first by her need to keep up pretenses and then her obsession with Aditya and the Tripathis, that she had never really dwelled on any softer feelings for Kunal.
The Tripathis had ostracized Imlie in the aftermath of this revelation and this was where Malini felt her downfall began. She had to admit that back then, watching Imlie being ill treated by the Tripathis had brought her grim satisfaction. Imlie, always the believer of good in people, had failed to see the change in Malini and continued to worship the ground she walked on.
Never one to mince Kunal had made multiple attempts to convince her that what she was doing was wrong on so many levels but to no avail. Malini was too far gone in her obsession of taking everything away from Imlie, starting with Aditya.
Had her mother taken advantage of her insecurities to get back at Meethi and Imlie? Probably. Looking back, Malini recalled how her mother was constantly instigated her against Imlie, reminding her maliciously how Imlie was responsible for all of Malini's woes, never allowing Malini the realization that "snatching" a man who did not love her was a lost cause. Isn't that what mothers are supposed to do, warn their children, look out for them, bring out the best in them. Instead her mother had used her. She had, figuratively, placed a gun on Malini's shoulder to shoot at Meethi and Imlie.
Malini thought about Neel. She was a mother now. If Neel was ever in a position where he had to choose between pursuing a woman who clearly did not love him versus moving on in life and maybe finding love again, she would always, ask him to choose the latter. Why had her mother not done the same?
Malini felt that dull throb beginning in the back of her head again. The throb that she knew would transform into a pounding headache soon enough. Malini squeezed her eyes shut, tamping down the feeling of nausea that always came with the headaches.
When would this end? Yes, she had behaved abominably with Imlie, but she was regretful, so very remorseful. Was that enough, though?
She had harbored so much bitterness against Imlie for so long, but the moment Malini had been told that her cancer was now going to be a terminal event, the first person she had thought of was Neel and the second person she had thought of was Imlie.
In her heart, she knew without doubt, that only Imlie would be able to love Neel like her own. She had always admired Imlie's absolute commitment to the people she loved and Imlie loved Neel. Once she had realized that, swallowing her pride and putting aside her animosity to beg Imlie to take Neel under her wing had not been that hard.
If there was anything she wanted to leave behind as a legacy for Neel, then what better parting gift than this. A mother figure who would love him to the moon and back. Just as his own mother would have, had she been granted the time.
Malini sighed as the throbbing in her head started escalating, reaching for her call button. She needed to catch this pain in its upswing, not its peak, just so she could keep her sanity, she thought as she rang for pain medicine. This was her life now. Short periods of near lucidity, followed by blessed unconsciousness.
**************************************************************
Aditya, eagerly opened the letter that had been delivered earlier this morning by a woman claiming to be a family friend, at the rehab center. The rules at the rehab center were strict. No electronic contact whatsoever with the outside world, no visitors. But regular mail and hand delivered letters were allowed. Everything that came in was always checked, of course, to ensure nothing illicit was being delivered. This delivery, was quite unexpected.
He could not believe it, someone had actually written a good old letter to him, he thought, as he stared at his name, neatly printed on the front of the envelope. His hands shook as he opened it and slid out the two pieces of paper inside.
The first was a drawing, clearly drawn by little, untrained hands.
A big red heart, and a few little thumbprint hearts in various colors, with the words, I love you, Papa.
Neel. Aditya thought as a warmth bloomed in his chest and his eyes teared up. He held the precious piece of paper close to his heart. His son, of course! Who else would care enough to send him a treat like this. He looked back at the big red heart and brought it up to his lips, imagining kissing his little face. Neel was his inspiration, the reason why he was ready to do this. As grueling as the therapy sessions had been, he was singularly focused now, on getting back to Neel. One week down, two more to go.
He looked at the other piece of paper and frowned, his smile turning into puzzlement. He opened it to see a neat hand written note.
Aditya,
Neel was missing you a lot and wanted to send you his love. I hope you are doing well. We all have demons in our closets. I had mine too. The struggle to overcome them is very real and very frightening at times. I hope Neel's love is the shining light that shows you the way.
Arpita
Aditya held the letter, a mild tremor in his hands as he re-read the contents. He closed his eyes, picturing the graceful woman he had met in the rose garden a week ago. The big expressive eyes, her sweet face, that gentle, reassuring smile. If he was a believer, he would have thought her to be an angel. He shook his head to stop his thought process. What are you even thinking, Aditya? Looking for a lifeline in a woman, yet again? And a woman like Arpita? Everything about her screamed pure. He doubted there was single unkind bone in her. Oh, but how he craved just a plain and simple friendship with someone kind hearted, someone who understood what it was like to have demons hiding in the closet of their mind. He gulped. Did he dare reply?
With a deep breath, Aditya sat at his desk and pulled out his notepad. He picked up a pen and contemplated his responses. First things first. Neel.
My dear Neel,
You made my day, son! Your love is all I need and I cannot wait to meet you again. Soon, my beautiful child, soon, we shall be together again. Until then, here is my heart for you. All of it. And every time you think of me, just think of this heart and know I am right there with you.
I love you too, Neel.
Papa.
Aditya smiled as he drew an equally big heart around that last statement. The words were coming easier now, because his head was clearer and so his vision had clarity. He could feel again, love again. And Neel truly had his heart, all of it.
He carefully removed the paper from the notepad, folding it and setting it aside.
Aditya stared at the notepad, conflicted on whether he should write back to Arpita. Just a little note to thank her for delivering Neel's message to him, he told himself.
Arpita,
I cannot thank you enough for delivering Neel's message to me. You are right, Neel is my guiding light, my North Star, as I find my way in the darkness that I allowed to overcome my life. I am sorry to hear of your own tribulations with fears of your own. I hope these fears have passed.
Thank you again, for loving Neel so wholeheartedly and making him welcome in your family. I feel reassured that he is in safe hands. Please do take care, convey my best wishes to your family. If possible, let my family know, I am well. Counting down the days to when I can been with my Neel again.
Sincerely,
Aditya.
Satisfied, he slipped both letters into an envelope. Maybe when his counselor called home for an update, he could tell them Aditya had a message for Neel ready to be picked up. Aditya smiled to himself. Being disconnected from electronics and writing an old fashioned letter with on paper with a pen was an experience that was becoming a memory for many. He was glad his isolation from the world had allowed him to reconnect with the lost art of formal letter writing.
******************
"Okay!! Your turn, Chaachu! Make sure you hit a sixer. She is not such a good bowler anyway." Neel giggled pointing at Imlie, as she narrowed her eyes and stuck out her tongue at him.
"You got it bud! But remember, you are the fielder. So you get to retrieve the ball after I hit it way beyond the boundary, okay?"
"Don't you worry, Aryan Chaachu!"
"There is no need for you to two to build castles in the air. Watch, all three stumps are going to be on the ground pretty soon! And, you Mr. Chaachu ke chamche Neel, don't forget its the fielder's job to catch any flying balls too!" Imlie said and turned to walk away a few paces, to bowl, knowing full well, this was one skill she really was not good at. The boys could bowl all sorts of speeds and spins, Imlie could just about make sure the ball stayed straight enough to land in front of the batter.
Imlie eyed Aryan, who took a serious batters stance, his eyes focused on the ball in her hand. Imlie started off at a slow run and swung her bowling arm and bowled. As expected, Aryan easily lofted the simple delivery into the air and Imlie yelled, "Neel!! Catttchhh it!!"
She had to admit, Neel was going to try, as she watched him pump his little legs, his eyes on the ball, hands in catcher position, missing it by several feet as the ball went over their imaginary boundary line of Jasmine bushes. Neel disappeared behind the bushes to retrieve the ball, while Imlie made a face at Aryan for openly laughing at her poor bowling skills.
"Imlie maasi!!!" They both turned as they heard his cry.
Aryan's mirth faded as he heard Neel's voice. He sounded .....distraught?
Tossing his bat aside, he ran, with Imlie right on his heels, towards Neel, only to find him on his knees, holding a little sparrow in his hands.
"Hey, bud." Aryan said softly, crouching next to him. "Here, let me hold it."
"Is it going to be okay, Maasi?" Neel looked at Imlie with concern in his eyes, carefully handing the precious little bird to Aryan.
Imlie's eyes met Aryan's as he examined the bird and shook his head subtly. The bird was cool to the touch, its beady eyes lifeless and body stiff.
"Do you think it got hurt because of our ball, Maasi?"
"I don't think so, Neel." Aryan replied quietly. "I think its been lying here for a while."
"If our ball didn't hurt it, did something else hurt it? Can we take it to a doctor and make it feel better? Like Papa?"
Aryan and Imlie looked at each other, unsure how to tell Neel that the bird was beyond saving.
"Neel, look at me." Imlie turned him towards her, deciding to take her first jab at the topic. "I think the bird is not just hurt. I think it has...." Imlie paused. All the articles and books they had been reading had recommended not to beat around the bush, call it what it was. Don't use words like, passed on, in a better place, in God's arms, in heaven.
"I think the sparrow has died." she said simply.
"Died? Is that a disease? Like when I have a fever and they say "Neel has flu"?" Neel asked, confused.
Imlie met Aryan's eyes again, asking for help. Aryan quietly laid the little bird aside and answered Neel.
"No, Neel. It's not a disease or illness. When we say the bird has died, it means it is no longer able to breathe, chirp, fly, eat, drink or play with other birds."
"Oh...but it will do all that again someday, right?" Neel asked, still sounding hopeful.
"No, bud. Once something dies, it just becomes a body that cannot do any of those things."
Imlie sat down next to Neel, cross legged and pulled him onto her lap.
"So this little birdie will never fly again?"'
"No, bud."
There was silence, while the three of them processed their thoughts. Neel was trying to understand what his Chaachu was trying to say, Aryan and Imlie were wondering if they had said too much or too little.
"Chaachu? Why did the sparrow have to die?"
"Because.." Imlie said, "Every thing that is alive will someday die. Do you see all the pretty flowers that Arpita Maasi brings home and then a few days later they wilt, right?"
Neel nodded as he looked back at the bird.
"Does that mean......that we will die too?"
Aryan nodded solemnly, "Someday. But we learn to accept that and live the time we have to the fullest. Laugh, cry, play, sing, dance, love. Be happy."
"Is Mumma going to die too? And Papa?"
Imlie gasped despite herself. She felt a moment of panic. She was not ready to talk about this, not yet. Not without Malini didi. She raised her anxious eyes to meet Aryan's over Neel's head, shaking her head.
"What makes you think that, bud?" Aryan knew they were never going to be ready but this may be the perfect opportunity to start talking about Malini.
"I heard two teachers whispering to each other the other day, when Imlie maasi was out of town. They thought I was busy drawing and not listening but I heard them, Chaachu. They said, poor Neel, he doesn't even know his mother is dying." Neel's little chin wobbled. "I didn't know what dying meant, Chaachu. But I thought I'd come home and ask about it and then you surprised me with the Karate class and then I forgot about it."
As Neel started sniffling, Imlie hugged him from behind.
"Is Mumma going to be like this birdie, someday? Will she not be able to......hug me? Or kiss me, or smile at me? I love it when Mumma smiles.” Neel finished on a sob.
Aryan and Imlie stayed quiet, tears dampening their eyes.
"For how long, Chaachu?" Neel raised his tear streaked face towards Aryan. When Aryan didn't answer, he slipped out of Imlie's arms and held Aryan's face.
"For how long?"
Aryan enveloped Neel’s little body in his arms, as he fought to control the sobs that were desperate to escape his chest. He steadied his breathing, and gently pulled away from Neel, so he could look at his face and meet his eyes.
"She is still with us, Neel. Yes, she is very ill and someday, she will not be able to hug you or kiss you or smile at you. Someday you will not be able to touch her or feel her or see her. But right now, she is here and we are going to make the most of it."
"And then?"
Imlie came up behind Neel and whispered, "And then, we are going to hold on tight to all the memories we have made with her."
Neel broke down first. Imlie hugged him from behind and Aryan enveloped them both, wishing he could protect, these two people, most precious to him, from the grief that was hovering over them like a dark cloud.
**********************************
Aryan watched as Imlie, held a quiet Neel in her arms that night, singing in a lullaby about the moon sleeping quietly behind the lemon tree. Neel was restless tonight, fighting sleep. His eyes were tired but he refused to close them. He heard him sniffle again and fresh tears came as Neel broke down yet again.
"I am a good boy, na Imlie Maasi?" he interrupted Imlie's lullaby.
"Of course, you are."
"If I was best of the best, maybe she will not die?"
"Bud, your behavior has nothing to do with why your Mumma is dying." Aryan needed to reassure Neel. "She has cancer. Some cancers can be cured, some cannot. Hers is not getting better."
"Does Papa have cancer too?"
"No, bud. You Papa is going to come home healthy. I know it. He does not have cancer."
"You promise?"
Aryan swallowed.
"No one can make any promises about living or dying, bud. But I have a very strong feeling, knowing why your Papa had to be away for treatment, that he will come back to you. He loves you very much, Neel."
"Does Mumma not love me?"
He could hear Imlie muffle a sob.
"Your Mumma loves you more than anything in the world, of that, I am convinced. She has fought a long hard fight with the cancer to be able to stay with you. Sometimes though, it is a losing battle. She has become weaker, Neel. It does not mean she loves you less. No, in fact I think she loves you more than ever."
"Maybe I should take her some milk tomorrow. Haldi waala. She always said it makes you strong and helps fight disease."
"Of course, Neel! I think we can certainly try." Imlie sniffled and quickly wiped her tears. "But we won't force her to eat or drink anything she does not want to, okay? She already feels quite ill and unable to eat. We wouldn't want her to feel worse, right?"
Neel shook his head.
"I am tired, Imlie Maasi"
"Then sleep, my little one."
"Aryan Chaachu?"
"Hmmm?"
"Will you tell me a story?"
"Yes, bud. What story would you like to hear?"
"The giving tree."
Aryan thought back to a book they had read recently about a tree and a little boy. About how the tree was always selflessly giving and the boy selfishly taking from it, until one day the tree was nothing but a stump and the boy was a lonely, dying old man and the tree offered her stump for her friend to rest.
As he quietly narrated the story, Imlie lovingly stroked Neel's forehead, brushing her fingers over his lashes, encouraging him without words to sleep. At long last, as Aryan drew to the end of the story, Neel finally fell asleep, snoring ever so softly, with his back to Imlie and his hand fisted in Aryan's t-shirt.
Aryan looked at a drowsy Imlie who had finally given into the exhaustion of having had one of the most challenging conversations of their lives. All his business dealings were a cakewalk compared to the heart wrenching talk they had had with Neel, today.
He needed to talk to Mrs. Sharma, Neel's principal about finding a good child counsellor for Neel. He knew Neel's family, the Tripathis and now the Rathores would all rally around him, but he may need some professional help along the way too. Aryan was determined to leave no stone unturned to ensure the emotional health of this child who had become so precious to him in such a short time. He covered the little fist on his chest and closed his eyes, praying yet again for grace and strength for the days ahead.
https://youtu.be/zbsBUf9VKyc
Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
And I wanna live my life just like you did (like you did)
Make the most of my time just like you did (like you did)
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there, just
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
'Cause I will be there soon
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon.
I'll be there soon.
Coming up: Aditya meets Malini.
CID
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
