Do you guys agree with Mumtaz's take on Boney/Sridevi? - Page 18

Originally posted by: return_to_hades

Why does it feel that you posted some research links without reading through and assumed others will not read through either.

Quotes from the study "This article reviews new research on this topic, emphasizing how it can inform policy debates about the role of marriage in reducing poverty and improving child outcomes"

"The current marriage debate centers on questions concerning the role of government in encouraging marriage and discouraging unmarried childbearing"

And at one point it even cities another study "Sometimes, marital breakup can be beneficial for children and adults, particularly in cases of high marital conflict or abuse" Amato 2004 (link = https://www.jstor.org/stable/3600169?casa_token=by8nzE9XjuAAAAAA%3Atm46y51Dmt1Sgki0WY7AG-O72K6s8AVnzI-thFjW-bc8pL3zifaoTnBqCn4od-g2zYnEzeVLC_f3yNziLsOOkZyighokKuETi1cu-fU9a4v0XPU2C38&seq=4#metadata_info_tab_contents)

NIH is encouraging marriage for socioeconomic benefits. But doesn't draw any conclusions that unhappy people should not separate.

From the abstract "Findings indicate no differences in child well-being for children living in cohabiting stepfamilies and cohabiting 2-biological-parent families."

From the abstract "The authors find that family structure has little impact on adolescent drug use once potential mediators are accounted for. Though there is minimal direct effect of family structure on adolescent drug use, family structure is significantly correlated with the four mediators."

Correlation is not causation.

This study has nothing to do with divorce and separation. It is about cohabiting families vs married families. And even so.

From the abstracts - "Children living in two-biological-parent cohabiting families experience worse outcomes, on average, than those residing with two biological married parents"

And "Child well-being does not significantly differ among those in cohabiting versus married stepfamilies, two-biological-parent cohabiting families versus cohabiting stepfamilies, or either type of cohabiting family versus single-mother families."

Another study that has nothing to do with divorce and separation. It just in general about family structure.

And it states "We found that family income, mother's psychological functioning, and the quality of the home environment are particularly important for children's behavior"

Once again a study about various structures. And it states clearly that while some family structures were less ideal the difference was socioeconomic. Correlation is not causation is an important thing to remember.

"Teens living with cohabiting stepparents often fare worse than teens living with two biological married parents. Adolescents living in cohabiting stepfamilies experience greater disadvantage than teens living in married stepfamilies. Most of these differences, however, are explained by socioeconomic circumstances."

Finally, a study that actually focuses on separation itself. BUT the study focuses on how parent-child relationships impact separation. And the conclusion "These results highlight the importance of interpersonal relationships within the family prior to parental separation"

It is easy to dismiss some societal outlooks as patriarchal or outdated because they are. And in the case of forcing unhappy couples to stay together for the children, it is toxic and leads to emotionally damaged people.

Of course, this doesn't mean that religious people are wrong. Along with Gregor Mendel, there are tons of clergy scientists who made important contributions. And some religious beliefs are based in rationale - like not eating pork can be traced to ancient swine flus. And yes, nonreligious people can spew bullshit too. There are tons of nonreligious people spewing anti-vaxx and anti-mask sentiments. Tons of nonreligious people subscribe to the notion of staying together for the kids.

The news articles I quoted are by practicing psychologists. They are not perfect and do make mistakes. But they base their practice and advice on research. Psychologists translate research into practice.

Children do better in married families, but that is usually due to socioeconomic factors than anything else. And let's not forget all stepfamilies and cohabiting families are not the results of divorce or separation. They happen due to death or unwed pregnancy too. You don't need to stay together for children. But you need to maintain a relationship with your children as a parental figure. As long as there are people who care for the children - it really doesn't matter what the family structure is.

But in either case, if anyone, unfortunately, is in a situation where they are contemplating divorce or separation - please see a licensed therapist. Each family and situation is unique. You need to work with a professional to find whats best for your situation

Huh? Every single one of the links was from a citation used by the *NIH.* Not by me. I added the links to make it easier for anyone happening by to get to the info. If you have a peeve, it should be with the NIH, not with me.

Quoting again:

Over the past decade, evidence on the benefits of marriage for the well-being of children has continued to mount. Children residing in two-biological-parent married families tend to enjoy better outcomes than do their counterparts raised in other family forms. The differential is modest but consistent and persists across several domains of well-being. Children living with two biological married parents experience better educational, social, cognitive, and behavioral outcomes than do other children, on average

The links lead to the citations used by NIH as evidence of this above para.

Questioning my reading of the studies will not change facts any.

And yeah, one trite response deserves another. If correlation is not causation, nor is data the plural of anecdote.

If you have data as shown by the studies that children will be equally fine when married parents are not living with them under the same roof, do provide.

Until then, an anecdote (or a shrink's opinion) here and anecdote there do not make evidence.

With re: religion and societal rules. Human societies over the years got a lot wrong, but they also got a lot right. It's a bit silly to imagine all *right* knowledge started with this generation. Also, FYI, the banning of pork from diet was because of T. Solium, aka pork tape worm.

One more thing: the arguments against needing both parents married and in the same household as the children seem to boil down to one thing. Economics. The fatal flaw in that outlook is it fails to take into account the intangibilities of relationships within the family unit. There is no one in the world, no entity, which can replace the presence of parent under the same roof. God bless them, grandparents, aunts, uncles, even the other parent, can try, and they succeed to a great extent sometimes, but it still is not the same, No government can provide the warmth a father or mother can. No temple, no church, no mosque can give you the guidance a parent can.

Caveat again: there are families where sometimes it is not possible, such as in death or sheer toxicity in relationships, and even the need to earn a living causing a parent to move away. None of the above realities should be taken to mean those who are not as fortunate should be demonized.

Haven't posted anything on this forum for ages, but I've been checking it every now and then as a silent reader, as I was going through some issues at the time, and felt I didn't have any ideas for posts, or anything to add to most of the threads I saw anyway.

But with this one that that changed, as I know from firsthand experience about some of the issues being discussed here. And drawing from that experience, I can say one thing:

No, staying together under one roof in an unhappy relationship "just for the kids" does not actually benefit said kids in any way whatsoever.

If a couple actually make an honest effort to work through whatever issues they're having (whether that's cheating or something else), come out of it stronger, and THEN decide to remain together, then that's an entirely different story.

If it's genuine, such a thing could actually teach children important lessons about true forgiveness, compromise, honesty in relationships.

But giving your children a home where Mom and Dad constantly resent each other/fight/cheat and generally make each other miserable, but just remain together like that in that situation- claiming it's for YOUR benefit, or to show society, or for "convenience" or whatever- isn't going to do anything good for your child. In such a home, the constant friction between the parents, and whatever latest dramas are trigger or are triggered by more of said friction forever takes centre stage over pretty much anything and everything else.

One or both of the parents' own physical/mental health, professional/social lives taking a hit due to this unhappy living situation is a given, but have the people advocating for this sort of thing taken into account that in such a home, it's not uncommon for a child (in who's best interest staying miserable like this apparently is) to refrain from sharing their own issues/problems at home because "there's so much going on already"?

Not to mention that by remaining in a relationship like this, you are essentially teaching them that it's a positive thing to make important decisions in your life with a view to maintaining a certain kind of image in society (because let's be real- for many of these people the aforementioned actually matters significantly more than their children's wants/needs)- as opposed to doing what genuinely makes them happy.

You are teaching them that it's ok to repeatedly belittle, insult and bully your partner, or to accept behaviour of that nature from future partners yourself.

Sad to say, but if there's cheating involved, you are also teaching your children that adultery is something to be ignored and tolerated from a future partner, or to do-just as long as you keep it lowkey, or also marry someone approved by your family/community whilst indulging in whatever else you want to.

And I'm not even going near the subject of what all you'd be doing to a child's values, mental health and perception of relationships if they are being raised in a home where parents remain together despite there being actual ABUSE involved in the relationship.

But in short- imo couples who can feel their marriage turning unhappy/toxic should ideally try and make an honest, two-sided effort to repair their relationship- whether that means cutting of sidepieces, setting aside time to spend with one another, going to marriage counselling- whatever it takes, as this is what I feel would normally be in the best interest of both the couple, and their kids if they have any.

However if this is not possible, then separation is always the best option for everyone involved.

Also regarding those studies that people keep bringing up to say that children raised in two parent households do have better outcomes than those raised by single mothers-

A major variable in these studies that is usually overlooked is class and income.

Mothers who's partners leave them, or die are a lot more likely to fall on hard times and end up living in poor areas with high rates of crime, drug/gang culture, etc.

Lower income sections of society in the west also tend to have higher rates of early pregnancy, domestic violence, alcohol/drug addiction, and incarceration- which all lead to a significantly higher proportion of women becoming single mothers in these parts of society as compared to higher classes.

It's downright ridiculous to compare the life of a boy raised in a small flat in a dangerous government housing estate, likely being exposed to gang violence, substance abuse, etc. from a very young age, to the life of a boy being raised in a detached house in a safe, decent area with a reasonable access to resources/opportunities that would greatly minimise the likelihood of turning to crime of any type, and happily conclude that the reason why one got involved with illegal activities and one didn't is because of their parents' relationship statuses- but that's exactly what these "studies" seem to do!🤪.

Originally posted by: Anjalika01

Haven't posted anything on this forum for ages, but I've been checking it every now and then as a silent reader, as I was going through some issues at the time, and felt I didn't have any ideas for posts, or anything to add to most of the threads I saw anyway.

Revisiting this thread to say hello!! 😊 It's been a while ... nice to see you around and I hope good days are ahead! :) There isn't much to talk about so I'm sure a lot can relate there. 😆 Still glad this thread managed to grab your attention and drag you back.

Originally posted by: SmittenKitten

Revisiting this thread to say hello!! 😊 It's been a while ... nice to see you around and I hope good days are ahead! :) There isn't much to talk about so I'm sure a lot can relate there. 😆 Still glad this thread managed to grab your attention and drag you back.

Hey...

Did you used to have a different username on this forum before? And yeah it's a personal thing so I just had to say something lol.

Hi Anjali...good to see you back...❤️🤗

Originally posted by: Anjalika01

Haven't posted anything on this forum for ages, but I've been checking it every now and then as a silent reader, as I was going through some issues at the time, and felt I didn't have any ideas for posts, or anything to add to most of the threads I saw anyway.

But with this one that that changed, as I know from firsthand experience about some of the issues being discussed here. And drawing from that experience, I can say one thing:

No, staying together under one roof in an unhappy relationship "just for the kids" does not actually benefit said kids in any way whatsoever.

If a couple actually make an honest effort to work through whatever issues they're having (whether that's cheating or something else), come out of it stronger, and THEN decide to remain together, then that's an entirely different story.

If it's genuine, such a thing could actually teach children important lessons about true forgiveness, compromise, honesty in relationships.

But giving your children a home where Mom and Dad constantly resent each other/fight/cheat and generally make each other miserable, but just remain together like that in that situation- claiming it's for YOUR benefit, or to show society, or for "convenience" or whatever- isn't going to do anything good for your child. In such a home, the constant friction between the parents, and whatever latest dramas are trigger or are triggered by more of said friction forever takes centre stage over pretty much anything and everything else.

One or both of the parents' own physical/mental health, professional/social lives taking a hit due to this unhappy living situation is a given, but have the people advocating for this sort of thing taken into account that in such a home, it's not uncommon for a child (in who's best interest staying miserable like this apparently is) to refrain from sharing their own issues/problems at home because "there's so much going on already"?

Not to mention that by remaining in a relationship like this, you are essentially teaching them that it's a positive thing to make important decisions in your life with a view to maintaining a certain kind of image in society (because let's be real- for many of these people the aforementioned actually matters significantly more than their children's wants/needs)- as opposed to doing what genuinely makes them happy.

You are teaching them that it's ok to repeatedly belittle, insult and bully your partner, or to accept behaviour of that nature from future partners yourself.

Sad to say, but if there's cheating involved, you are also teaching your children that adultery is something to be ignored and tolerated from a future partner, or to do-just as long as you keep it lowkey, or also marry someone approved by your family/community whilst indulging in whatever else you want to.

And I'm not even going near the subject of what all you'd be doing to a child's values, mental health and perception of relationships if they are being raised in a home where parents remain together despite there being actual ABUSE involved in the relationship.

But in short- imo couples who can feel their marriage turning unhappy/toxic should ideally try and make an honest, two-sided effort to repair their relationship- whether that means cutting of sidepieces, setting aside time to spend with one another, going to marriage counselling- whatever it takes, as this is what I feel would normally be in the best interest of both the couple, and their kids if they have any.

However if this is not possible, then separation is always the best option for everyone involved.

Long time no see and excellent insight

Originally posted by: blue-ice.1

Hi Anjali...good to see you back...❤️🤗

Aww thanks, great to see you too 🤗

Originally posted by: Maroonporsche

Long time no see and excellent insight

Thanks so much 😊

Originally posted by: Anjalika01

Haven't posted anything on this forum for ages, but I've been checking it every now and then as a silent reader, as I was going through some issues at the time, and felt I didn't have any ideas for posts, or anything to add to most of the threads I saw anyway.

But with this one that that changed, as I know from firsthand experience about some of the issues being discussed here. And drawing from that experience, I can say one thing:

No, staying together under one roof in an unhappy relationship "just for the kids" does not actually benefit said kids in any way whatsoever.

If a couple actually make an honest effort to work through whatever issues they're having (whether that's cheating or something else), come out of it stronger, and THEN decide to remain together, then that's an entirely different story.

If it's genuine, such a thing could actually teach children important lessons about true forgiveness, compromise, honesty in relationships.

But giving your children a home where Mom and Dad constantly resent each other/fight/cheat and generally make each other miserable, but just remain together like that in that situation- claiming it's for YOUR benefit, or to show society, or for "convenience" or whatever- isn't going to do anything good for your child. In such a home, the constant friction between the parents, and whatever latest dramas are trigger or are triggered by more of said friction forever takes centre stage over pretty much anything and everything else.

One or both of the parents' own physical/mental health, professional/social lives taking a hit due to this unhappy living situation is a given, but have the people advocating for this sort of thing taken into account that in such a home, it's not uncommon for a child (in who's best interest staying miserable like this apparently is) to refrain from sharing their own issues/problems at home because "there's so much going on already"?

Not to mention that by remaining in a relationship like this, you are essentially teaching them that it's a positive thing to make important decisions in your life with a view to maintaining a certain kind of image in society (because let's be real- for many of these people the aforementioned actually matters significantly more than their children's wants/needs)- as opposed to doing what genuinely makes them happy.

You are teaching them that it's ok to repeatedly belittle, insult and bully your partner, or to accept behaviour of that nature from future partners yourself.

Sad to say, but if there's cheating involved, you are also teaching your children that adultery is something to be ignored and tolerated from a future partner, or to do-just as long as you keep it lowkey, or also marry someone approved by your family/community whilst indulging in whatever else you want to.

And I'm not even going near the subject of what all you'd be doing to a child's values, mental health and perception of relationships if they are being raised in a home where parents remain together despite there being actual ABUSE involved in the relationship.

But in short- imo couples who can feel their marriage turning unhappy/toxic should ideally try and make an honest, two-sided effort to repair their relationship- whether that means cutting of sidepieces, setting aside time to spend with one another, going to marriage counselling- whatever it takes, as this is what I feel would normally be in the best interest of both the couple, and their kids if they have any.

However if this is not possible, then separation is always the best option for everyone involved.

In dharmendra and many other actors case the husband is having relaton with both wives and both side kids are ok. What is psychology of kids in such a case?

Have they accepted the fathers other wife and kids? Not really they do not even attend sisters wedding

So kids are ok with father cheating on mother but not ok with his other kids and wife

Its a different thing to altogether leave a family and start new family

Its diff thing like having two house mentality of kids

Than what happens to kid psychology?

In USA gun culture is more and so are broken family. Is there a link to resented anger and frustration of broken family coming out in violence form gun culture in USA?

These are complex answers cannot b ejust said that parent separating is ok than staying for kids psyche