Priorties in life

Hi I am posting first time in this forum. I have seen this show on and off since season 1. I remember watching it diligently during first couple of months of season 1. This show captures human emotions very nicely and keeps in touch to our cultural obligations.

I know parents in our culture are very important and highly respected and I appreciate that fact of our culture. Maa-beta relationship in this show is one of the prime themes. I completely get Dev's affection towards his mother but I have a problem with him keeping her on a pedestal. Infact I hate the fact that you have to keep any relationship on a pedestal be it parental or romantic all relationships require balance, when you put one relationship or person on a pedestal they will always look down on you or think that they're better than you. When people put their spouses or parents on a pedestal that creates imbalance in a relationship and can be grounds of abuse.

Every relationship has its own importance and are equally important. No one person should always be your first priority apart from your kids because you are responsible for them as parents. Every other thing should be balanced in life. Your parents, spouse, siblings, are equally important(All this can be different if you have a toxic family). Your friends, work, hobbies are very important too. Priorties should always be circumstantial, it shouldn't be the case that by default you choose your parents/siblings first or your spouse first. Look at the situation who needs you more, your mom is sick and your wife wants to spend time with you, here priority is mom. Mom wants to go out with you and you already made plans with your wife, here priority is wife. Isn't this the way we do at our work place too, we know all work given to us is important but we prioritize things in order of what's more important at that time.

Dev lacks this balance. Also I hate the meddling with the grandchildren. As a grandmother Ishwari has all the rights to pamper them, guide them, love them but you cannot go against the rules set by their parents, you raised your kids your way, now let go. Dev needs to sort his priorities now, his mom's feelings aren't more important than his kids well being and future. He needs to step up. If you can stand up for your mom( very good thing if she's right) you should also stand up for your wife when she's right. And in no way you have to be disrespectful just being polite but stern will help.

What are your views regarding priorties in life? How do you balance your parents/siblings and spouse/inlaws/kids?

Originally posted by: nainarox18

I know parents in our culture are very important and highly respected and I appreciate that fact of our culture. Maa-beta relationship in this show is one of the prime themes. I completely get Dev's affection towards his mother but I have a problem with him keeping her on a pedestal. Infact I hate the fact that you have to keep any relationship on a pedestal be it parental or romantic all relationships require balance, when you put one relationship or person on a pedestal they will always look down on you or think that they're better than you. When people put their spouses or parents on a pedestal that creates imbalance in a relationship and can be grounds of abuse.

I can't begin to explain how hard I agree with this, and the more you look at it, the more signs of abuse are visible in Ishwari's relationship with Dev. While it's true that she has been through so much for the sake of her children, to this day she holds that over Dev like a sword to his neck. She emotionally blackmails him constantly with full knowledge that she's doing it, and thrives in the notion that she can convince him to do anything. She plays it off as love, but continues to ill-treat the love of his life, and pushes him to do the same as well.

More than genuine love, Dev feels indebted to his mother. He cannot deny her of anything and does not feel like he has the ability or right to question her. He has no avenues and no exit, he has to comply either happily or unhappily.

Ishwari and Dev share a "trauma bond". When you go through a trauma together, your bond becomes very strong which is good usually until someone starts exploiting it. Ishwari here exploits this very dedicated bond that she and Dev had. She also has a chip on her shoulder that whatever Dev is today is because of her, which is definitely true but then she she thinks she owns Dev's life. But what she doesn't know is even if she lets go a little, Dev would still love her very much but would also have some individuality. Also seems like Ishwari doesn't have unconditional love for her kids, she invested in them for her because she only invested in Dev, not Neha,Riya, or Nikki. So all the motherly love seems so fickle coming from her mouth.

I can't begin to explain how real this is and how much I agree to this.

It's a form of emotional abuse from one with stronger emotion to the one with weaker ones. I've been a first hand victim of the same. Balance is actually the key

If I would have been in Dev's shoes. The first thing I would have done after getting rich and before marrying someone would be seek counselling and therapy for me and my entire family especially Ishwari, then I would have involved her in things that would keep her busy, like maybe a job in my office, or some community programs, some support groups so she isn't free to overthink things. I would have helped her to cultivate new hobbies, got her into some entertainment shows that she could look forward to everyday. When you are a secure individual with a life of your own, acceptance comes easy. I mean you can get a nutritionist you can might as well get a therapist.

The fact is you're talking sense, because you have emotional independence.

The depth to dev and ishwari s dependence on each other is unhealthy, but it's only a third person who realises it. By the time he realises it he's too lazy to put his foot down or downright doesn't see the effect his instability has on the younger generation.

The man doesn't even have the emotional independence to see anything beyond the point of his mother's sacrifice. That is what ishwari made of him and is exploiting it to the T.

This brings me to that Sushmita Sen quote of how she doesn't term or think of anything as sacrifice for her children because that'll make her a martyr and at one point or the other she'll seek return. Indian parents have this in general (Touchwood I've been blessed in this account)

I agree. I mean show gratitude towards your parents sacrifice for you but don't make that your entire personality. I actually respect this part of our culture, to take care of our parents. Also I might be biased but I have not seen a lot of Indian parents around me that seek some return under the guise of exploitation, I have mostly seen parents who just want their children to love them, respect them and be in close vicinity like being in the same house, but deep down have their kids best interest at heart. Here Ishwari might have been a good mother if she did the same for all her kids and actually wanted Dev to be happy. She was ready to ruin his relationship with Sona for her selfishness, that's not what a parent does, parents love you unconditionally. She's a narcissist and every narcissist parent has a golden child and rest all are not good enough in this case Dev.

Originally posted by: nainarox18

If I would have been in Dev's shoes. The first thing I would have done after getting rich and before marrying someone would be seek counselling and therapy for me and my entire family especially Ishwari, then I would have involved her in things that would keep her busy, like maybe a job in my office, or some community programs, some support groups so she isn't free to overthink things. I would have helped her to cultivate new hobbies, got her into some entertainment shows that she could look forward to everyday. When you are a secure individual with a life of your own, acceptance comes easy. I mean you can get a nutritionist you can might as well get a therapist.

Goddamn, they really need a therapist. And right now, so does Ayush. Losing his father, then thrust in an asylum as his "blood relations".