As I sit here feeling unwell from my covid vaccine, I've finally decided to write my first OS. I wrote this yesterday. This is from Raavi's POV and her inner thoughts. I personally relate to this topic so made it one of Raavi's insecurities, even though it's not one in the show. We've talked about it alot as well! Please give it a read and show some love if you like it. Feedback and constructive criticism are always welcome! Enjoy!
Love Sofia! ❤
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It's been a month since me and Shiva were forced to marry, and I still can't get over it. Everytime I think about it I want to cry...I mean wouldn't you if you had to keep wearing these ugly clothes?!
I used to be the prettiest girl in Somnath, my sasural clothes have turned me into a clown. I even saw Jamuna Kaki, a 50year old grandmother of 6, wear something similar to what I did. WHY ME?
When I married Shiva, I thought the worst had happened, I'm at my lowest. Until the next day when Gaumbi bought me a saree to wear to the temple. I just smiled and thanked him but who does that to a recently jilted and new bride. I had to sit on Shiva's motorcycle and I immediately remembered how I used to sit with him in my comfortable clothes - how I wished I was back in my old clothes. On top of that Shiva's motorcycle broke down, I gave him some shade from the sun with my saree's drape - I became self conscious because I realised that it probably didn't help, HOW CAN I SHADE HIM FROM THE SUN WHEN I LOOKED LIKE THE SUN MYSELF?! The colour wasn't the main issue, I just felt horrible in it. I wanted to cry but I fought with Shiva to get over my embarrassment. Just when I thought the worst was over, we got kidnapped by Janardhan's goons! In those clothes! Is it too much to ask for that they kidnap me in better clothes?! Shiva called me a panauti, I wanted to shout I'm not the panauti, it's the clothes that HIS brother gave me, but I didn't want to draw more attention to it. On top of that my saree's drape fell off my shoulder revealing my hideous blouse in front of my new husband! I shouldn't care about that right? But I did. The poor guy had to touch it with his teeth to lift it! Damn you Gaumbi, it should be made illegal for him to buy clothes for anyone but his wife.
Is it weird that I think more about my clothes than about Dev?
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It's been 2months since our families got me and Shiva married. Dhara di has given me a saree to wear to a wedding. I smiled and thanked her. It was hideous. WHY ME? Am I an aunty? What have I done to deserve this? I miss having a choice and miss the old Raavi. She got herself a nice simple saree! I thought back to the time when I had to wear a pink ugly saree - I looked like a pink highlighter! And that side profile did nothing for my curvaceous body.
Being around Shiva isn't so bad anymore, we actually have small conversations as well as our fights now. But I always get self conscious about what I'm wearing. I'm so uncomfortable and I end up taking it out on him so he doesn't notice my clothes. This must be karma. I used to make fun of Shiva's clothes but atleast he's comfortable in his own skin.
We all attended the wedding together. Shiva was looking handsome, I must say when he makes an effort he cleans up good. I was sticking out like a sore thumb. I think I must have been more dressed than the bride herself. I felt like a hindi serial bahu and the way I stayed silent and just nodded I acted like one too. I wish I had Rishita's guts to voice out my sadness. I saw these other girls trying to talk to Shiva. Hmmf! Wth is wrong with them? Shiva caught my eye, looked at my face and at my annoyance. The next thing I know he was calling them behen.
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It's been 3months since Shiva married me. Today I'm walking around looking like a sparkly aubergine. How do I know? That was what we prepared for lunch. I couldn't help but notice how I looked like a sparkly version of the food. Shiva looked at me briefly, then looked away quickly. Omg he must have noticed the resemblance! WHY ME? I actually like him now. Maybe I'll ask for some money so I can go buy new clothes. Should I ask Shiva? He'll make jokes but he'll give it. He understands my rights if not anything else. And he won't ask questions. But I know he's been working hard and he's been spending less recently to save. And if I ask him he'll get to know of my inner thoughts. The old Raavi is slipping away fast.
I asked Dhara di for money instead, she casually questioned me as to why I needed it. I said I wanted to buy some clothes. She told me not to worry, she's going to the bazaar, she'll get some back for me. I smiled and I thanked her. WHY ME?
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It's been 4months since I married Shiva. I am so jealous of Rishita! I hate her clothes but atleast she's comfortable! Dev likes her for how she is, which is sweet. Looking at Dev now makes me question myself. What was I thinking when I thought I loved him. I didn't fancy him, nor did I know anything about him. Now that I really look at him he looks weird to me. It must be the lack of facial hair. I love facial hair on a man, it makes all the difference. Shiva, my Shiva has facial hair. Does Shiva notice me? We've had our moments but is he attracted to me? I sometimes feel like I'll die if he keeps his gaze on me long enough. Oops! Snap out of it Raavi!
I love spending time with him now, I sometimes think he flirts with me a little. I thought back to the time when he pinned me against the wall as I was about to fall. I felt my heart beat heavily, can he feel it too? I was relieved when he let me go. Only I know how hard it was for me to get into these clothes, and only I know that not even Shiva would be able to get me out of them. Seriously Raavi, snap out of it! All I know is that after marrying Shiva I never thought my torture would come in the form of clothing.
We've had some deep conversations. Once he found me crying and held me, okay he held me awkwardly and patted my back but it was something. He wiped my tears with my dupatta, the pattern on the dupatta nearly scratched my eyes out, but the poor guy wasn't to know. I lied about why I was crying. I said I was missing my parents but I was crying because I was missing the old Raavi. I miss being her, physically and mentally too. Shiva is able to bring out the old me sometimes but how I wish I could tell him about how I feel about these clothes. I sound ungrateful. Lots of people would die for these. I should learn to be grateful.
Today I took one of his jokes seriously. He was waiting for the bathroom and said I'm becoming slower than the traffic in Somnath - all I heard was traffic and thought about the traffic lights, and looked down at the colours on me. WHY ME? I stopped talking to him for a few hours. When I went to talk my favourite person Krish, he said something about fireworks. I looked down at my colours and stopped talking to Krish for a few hours.
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It's been 5months since my wedding to Shiva. Today I felt jealous of my mausi-ma. How is she wearing better clothes than me? When Shiva goes on his daily rant about mausi-ma I agree with him. He looks at me weird. He's trying to read me. But I get conscious of my clothes again and change the subject. Today's clothing wouldn't have been too bad if I didn't look like a mendhi pattern. WHY ME?
The next day was my happiest! Shiva kissed me you see. It came after he opened up about his father. He was missing him. I knew what that felt like. He looked vulnerable and innocent. The kiss itself just happened, it was slow and soft. I thought my heart would explode at his touch. I blushed after the kiss and he looked at me with a small smile but he didn't initiate anything else. It's a good thing too, I had more layers than an onion today.
Now I'm finding it very hard to sleep. My night clothes are not so bad, although sometimes I wish I got PJs with me. I used to wear such nice PJs and only a handful of times I wore nice simple and pretty desi suits to bed. It would be nice to mix it up sometimes. I should have been better prepared. I thought I was going to marry Dev, and didn't even think or plan anything properly other than how I'll please the family. But I ended up married to Shiva. He's actually soo hot. Everytime he comes a little close to me my breathing and brain become jumbled. He walks around without his shirt sometimes, not knowing what his body does to me. And I have to walk around like I'm Jamuna Kaki's twin sister. I get abit hot and flushed thinking about him now. He ruins my sleep but is completing his own. It's not fair.
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It's been 6months since Shiva and I married in front of the whole world - I think I love him! No, I know I love him. I want to tell him but I'm scared. Not because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid because I want it to be perfect and I have no nice clothes to wear for when I tell him. WHY ALWAYS ME? I know he doesn't care but I do. I had a traumatic incident not too long ago. My dupatta caught on fire whilst in the kitchen. Shiva ran to save me and put the fire out. He's my hero, my saviour, my precious husband but A TRUE GHADERA! Can't he tell I purposely put my dupatta on fire? Why is he saving it for? WHY ME?!
Am I really ungrateful? I know clothes don't define a person and I don't judge what others want to wear. But is it so bad that I personally want something different? I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, I want to give myself abit of self-care and self-love. I want to hold onto the part that's just Raavi, not just the pandya family bahu. Had I married Dev my whole life would have been a disaster. Not only would I have been with someone I did not love, but I would have been that person in ugly clothes. Thank God for Shiva.
It's the eve of our 6month anniversary. Suman Kaki gave me and Rishita clothes, she told us to wear it for the puja today. I smiled and I thanked her. WHY ME? I'm about to look like a Christmas tree. How is Shiva ever going to look at me in these clothes? I wear it anyway and the puja is done. Tomorrow I'll pick out the best one from my long line of hideous clothes because we're allowed to spend the day celebrating however we want. We should really be allowed to spend any day as we wish, but that's for another day. Shiva hasn't said anything about celebrating together but I want to look nice regardless. Dev and Rishita are going on a romantic date in the evening but are staying home until then. How nice for her, I'm happy for her. I'm staying home, as long as me and Shiva get some free time it's okay.
It's my 6month anniversary, everyone wished me and Shiva. I also wished Dev and Rishita. Shiva hasn't wished me yet - GHADERA! And we don't have any plans as of yet.
I walk into my room and there's two packages and one envelope on my bed. Did Shiva buy me a present? And maybe something for Dhara di? Shiva walks in as I sit on the bed.
'Shiva? Are these for me and Dhara di?'
'No.' He answers.
'Oh'. So he didn't buy me a gift.
'Both are for you. And so is the envelope.' He says whilst putting his hands through his hair. 'You open them, get ready, I'm going downstairs to wait.' He ran off before I could thank him.
I smiled. My first present from Shiva! I'll accept anything from him! I opened both packages and sat there staring at them. One had an elegant but dare I say a sexy saree and the other had a pair of light jeans with a white kurti. I opened the envelope, it had a note. The note said -
'Happy 6month Anniversary my Chipkali. I was wondering what to gift you. Do I give you something expensive like jewellery, do I take you somewhere expensive to eat, I didn't know. But then I thought I'll try to alleviate some of your worries. I know we married on weird circumstances, but I still remember the old chipkali. Being married doesn't mean you forget yourself. You should always try to be the Raavi that YOU want to be. When we got married, I accepted you as my wife, as that mamikibehenkibeti that always annoyed me but was full of life. But that mamikibehenkibeti looks uncomfortable, unhappy and lost to me. And I know you enough to know the reason. All I can say to you is that although your clothes don't define you to me, I know it's important to you. So my present to you is to say BE YOURSELF, BE THE RAAVI YOU WANT TO BE AND I'M READY TO SUPPORT YOU IN THIS!
P.S. We're going shopping, I'll be there to carry your bags. And let's have our first dinner date? If your answer is a yes, come down and join me.'
I looked at the note and clothes with tears in my eyes. So that's why he's been saving. Who knew Shiva could be this thoughtful? And most importantly he's ready to support me in my quest to find myself again.
I changed into the jeans and kurti, this is what I'm going to go out in. Something simple. I do my hair nicely, oh I've missed looking like this. I feel free. I put on a little make up. I'm worried about the reaction of the family. But I still slowly go down the stairs. I'll be lying if I said I wasn't saying a little prayer. What will Suman Kaki say? I started becoming visible to the family who were all getting ready to have snacks. They all stared at me and I felt my legs drag slowly. Rishita's eyes went wide and then she looked down on her own clothes, she looked cute but abit like a Pokemon. Krish looked at me and smiled, he gave me a thumbs up. But most importantly I saw Shiva look up and he gave me a small smile. That gave me the encouragement I needed.
'Aye mamikibehenkibeti, what's taking you so long? It'll be our 1st anniversary by the time you get here. Come let's go.' I immediately went down and stood next to MY SHIVA - the one who understood my pain, a pain that's probably so miniscule to others but a huge deal to me. Today I felt like the luckiest girl in Somnath. Suman Kaki looked at me, stared then gave me a smile. 'You look like the old Raavi' she said. That's all I needed. Tomorrow I'll talk to her openly about my feelings, she's my mother after all. I'm ready to be myself again or even find a new balanced Raavi that I liked. I couldn't wait to go shopping and get a whole new makeover! - I thought of all my choices, I'm going to try to buy a range of things. And yes I'll get Shiva to buy something nice for himself too, for our dinner plan. Maybe I'll buy myself a dress to wear.
Me and Shiva left the house. As soon as we did I held Shiva's hand and squeezed it. He turned around to look at me and I gave him a hug. He eventually hugged me back, there was nothing awkward about it. He then kissed me, not thinking about our surrounding. And he said 'let's enjoy yourselves today, tomorrow we'll go and donate your old clothes.' How did he know what's in my heart?
As I get on the back of his motorcycle, I thought about the time he told me to sit properly. Makes me giggle now but it feels good to sit like that again. I feel excited. Not only is mine and Shiva's story finally starting, not only will I tell him that I love him, but I'm slowly getting Raavi back in my life.
I make a few quick mental notes - buy a dress for the date, wear that hella sexy saree tonight when you celebrate with your husband after the date, and when buying clothes for yourself don't forget to buy some sexy undergarments for the bedroom. I'm young and I'm sexy, and I'll enjoy my life the way I want!
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The End.
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